Sorry that I haven't been updating in a VEEEERRRRY long time. The truth is, I can't seem to write hetero stories for some reason now. But I'm trying to. So don't hurt me for not updating quickly. .
On to the story
Finding a Mate Ch. 3
"Watch where you're going." Ino muttered, standing up and dusting herself.
"I didn't mean to knock you over, how come you weren't watching where you were walking?" Naruto retorted.
"Smooth, say sorry then get angry at the girl in return." Kyuubi snickered in Naruto's mind.
"What?" Ino asked staring at Naruto. Did Naruto just tell her to shut up?
Naruto wanted to hit himself on the head. Great, just great. He forgot that he didn't have to speak out loud to talk to Kyuubi.
"Poor little sod."
"Oh nothing. I was talking to myself…" Naruto said a weak excuse.
"Well have fun talking to yourself, I have to go." Ino said dismissively before turning and quickly walking away.
"This will take a while, right?" Kyuubi said to Naruto.
'Oh shut up you old fart. Were YOU lucky with the ladies back then?' Naruto retorted.
"Of course I wa- NO YOU IDIOT! Why would I be asking an idiot like you to help me if I already had one? Use your mind, it needs exercise!"
'Hey!' Naruto started 'Are you saying I'm fat?'
Somewhere, in the deep, dark, empty corners of Naruto's mind, Kyuubi wept silently and mourned for the loss of what could have been if Naruto hadn't bumped his head on the sidewalk when he was five.
'Back to the subject, how am I going to get Ino to like me? It's like asking the villagers to be nice to me on my birthday, impossible.'
"It is possible. You just need to learn how to act like a guy people actually like to be around." Kyuubi said in him All Knowing Voice.
'How am I going to do that?'
"Well, brain washing is definitely out… I could lecture you, but you always faze off in about 30 seconds… Let's go to the bookstore."
"No buts. I need you to get laid or we will both die!"
'You are such a nice person!' Naruto growled sarcastically.
'I don't get any of this at all! Why do I have to open the door for the girl and be nice to her?'
'Those are the rules of manhood, learn them well.'
'But it doesn't seem very important!'
'Listen, do you WANT to be castrated?'
'What does that mean?'
'Kids these days.' Kyuubi sent a mental film of a man getting castrated.
With an axe.
A blunt axe.
'My eyes! My eyes! Stop it, stop it!'
Kyuubi stopped the film.
'Never again… never again will I be mean to women.' Naruto whimpered. He was on the floor and curled up in a fetal position.
'Yes, little one, women are monsters. But they can be tamed. With money, chocolate, flowers, and words of love.'
'Holy crap, you're starting to sound like those rich old perverted men who have many concubines that I find sometimes on the streets!'
'This conversation is getting awkward…'
'Let's just come up with a plan, okay?'
Two hours later
'Finally. Now remember, you have to remember these rules when you talk to Ino.'
'I know, I know.'
Naruto looked down at the piece of paper. He read through it once again just to make sure he wrote down everything Kyuubi had said. He didn't want to be castrated.
The Ten Commandments of Dating
By: The Great Kyuubi-Sama and The Insignificant Whelp One Who Will Become The Greatest Hokage Ever.
1.Thou shalt not stare fixedly at the victim's target's...assets.
2.Thou shalt not speak with foul language in the presence of the victim target.
3.Thou shalt be gentlemanly and kind to the target at all times. That means no farting or obscene gestures in nearby vicinity of target.
4.Thou shalt make an effort to become a part of the target's life.
5.Thou shalt be polite and kind to target's parents. Be sure to let them know you have good intentions. Remember, what doesn't hurt them will probably hurt you. Also, Konoha isn't very big. They probably have contacts. They will probably hunt you down and kill you.
6.Thou shalt not cheat on target after establishing a firm relationship. Doing so will result in consequences not unlike those from commandment number 5.
7.Thou shalt not make any semi-threatening noises while in company of target or anyone related to target. It's not hard for a well-meaning friend to mistake you for an enemy ninja and 'accidentally' kill/maim you.
8.Thou shalt not assume that it's alright to have sex immediately after one, two, or even three dates. Sex is unsafe. Very unsafe.
9.Thou shalt not force target to do anything they don't like. Examples: Going to eat large amounts of Ramen right after breakfast.
10.Thou shalt remember that the target has feelings too. That means no calling the target 'baby-cheeks' and 'sex on legs' in front of people.
'Naruto, there are additional rules too.'
'A-additional???' Naruto was in a panic now. He could hardly remember the ones he wrote down, how the hell would he remember the 'Additional Rules?'
'Let me show you…'
1. The Female always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possibly know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male to know all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.
17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5.
'Man, this is going to suck.'
A/N: THE RULES was found online. This chapter is pretty short but it was fun to write. .