A Little Taste of Home
Set during season 8 (really because I haven't seen any of 9 yet) a little one off idea I had while making the sauce featured!
I only own the Recipe for the Horseradish source used Stargate SG-1 belongs to MGM and Gecko.
Jack hated this part of the job. To be honest this was the job, alright he had the best parking space and he wasn't getting shot at. Unfortunately it was the most evil form of torture ever produced. 'How many reports have we got left Walter?'
The technical sergeant read his sheet for a moment. 'Four more today sir.'
'Do I have to read them.' Jack dropped the folder onto his desk in near despair. He hated "Report Day".
Another one of the perks was watching Walter take a deep breath before answering. Somehow he liked this part of the job and Jack found it fun to ask the same questions each week. 'Yes sir I'm afraid you do.'
After yet another hour sorting through reports written by geeks who seemed to have majored in putting him to sleep Jack slumped in his chair. 'Tell me again why we had to do this.'
'As you know sir the President wants to be kept up to date with all matters regarding the Stargate. As well as this we have to forward these reports to our allies in China, Russia, Great Briton and Canada.'
'How did the Canadians find out anyway? I don't remember telling them.'
'I don't know sir. I could look in to it'
Jack thought back for a moment but he was interrupted by a knock on the door. 'Sir. A package came for you this morning.' One of the bases SF's came in with a box.
'Thank you airman. Walter look into it.'
'Sir?' the technical sergeant looked at the box.
'I meant the Canadians.'
When the two had left Jack spent a moment trying to tidy his desk before looking at the package. Taped to the top right next to the word "fragile" and just above "this way up" was a letter. He recognised the hand writing and frowned. It was from his aunt back in Ireland. She was only a few years older than him and she had never married, making him the closest relative since his fathers death. It read:-
Dear General Jack
It's been so long since your last letter telling me about your promotion and I've been wanting to send you something. At last I found the perfect gift, I hope you like it. I have to tell you it was difficult to find all the ingredients on mothers list, but I made it exactly like you'll remember.
The farm is still how you left it, you know I wouldn't change a thing. I would love to see you over here again, perhaps you could bring your friends and I could get to meet that Samantha your always talking about.
Your auntMillie O'Neill
Jack's embarrassment over the last sentence almost caused him to miss the clue a to the contents inside the package. Opening the box and getting past the padding Jack recoiled in horror at what his dear Aunt had sent him.
Lieutenant Colonel Sam Carter was talking with Sergeants' Siler and Walter in the briefing room when the General burst through his office door backwards. 'Walter!' he half shouted, spinning around. 'Carter get has-mat up here. Walter seal of this floor until they get here. Siler,' he stopped and waved his finger for a moment before half shouting again 'help Carter.'
Sam took a few steps back; 'What is it sir?'
'In your office what is the problem?'
'A jar of my grandmother's recipe for horseradish sauce.' The generals eyes were wild, and she sighed. Every so often, when they were on missions, Sg-1 shared stories from home. Every time that happed he would talk about his "Grandmother's Horseradish Sauce". Which, according to him, was the most corrosive substance on planet Earth and possibly the galaxy. It had almost become a running joke that it should be part of any SG-team's prison escape kit.
'It can't be as bad as you say.'
'Carter its eating through the seal, I swear the glass is bubbling already!'
'Alright I'll see for myself, with that she headed into the office.
'Carter I'm telling you; Don't go near that thing!'
Picking up the hefty glass jar she had to admit that the pail brown glass did give the impression that it had started out clear. 'Sir I looked it up, it's a strong side sauce nothing more.' Twisting the lid off she took a deep breath from the jar and all the bones in her legs melted.
Daniel followed the three Airmen as they ran to Jack's office. Outside he almost walked into Teal'c. 'Oh hey Teal'c. You know what's going on?'
'I do not Daniel Jackson. I was considering investigating the situation.' The big Jaffa inclined his head, his hand was half way to he doorknob.
'So let's see.' Daniel followed him, inside the briefing room they saw Jack and Siler carrying Sam to one of the chairs.
'O'Neill. What has happened?' Daniel could hear the eyebrow being raised.
'She didn't listen.' There went the other eyebrow Daniel noted before speaking.
'Listen to what Jack? She must have had a reason.'
'She didn't believe me.' Pausing Jack looked up and explained. 'My aunt sent me some sauce and Carter didn't think it was dangerous.' Jack gestured to her slumped in one of the chairs.
Daniel tried not to look sceptical but knew he would anyway. 'If you can post it the stuff can't be that bad.'
'Daniel, my aunt can post an Ice-cream sandwich. Don't ask me how she just can alright. In there is the most dangerous stuff on the planet. You know how much mustard powder is in there?'
'I do not O'Neill. Do you not find mustard weak?' Teal'c asked. Daniel slipped past the ranting general in into his office.
'I find French mustard weak T. She'll have used the English version, there's a reason they invented the Vindaloo curry and it wasn't because they were bored.' Daniel heard as he came back to the briefing room.
'Is the glass supposed to be brown?' he asked
'No I think the fumes did something to it.' Jack turned around; 'What are you doing?'
'It's a joke Jack. Come on do you really think we'd fall for it? In the post? If it's that bad you're aunt wouldn't have sent it.'
'I've know you for almost ten years Danny-boy. We've save the galaxy together. That stuff is lethal. Believe me.'
'I am afraid I to do not believe you O'Neill. Both yourself and Colonel Carter have played practical jokes like this in the past. I believe you have cried lupine one too many times.'
'"Wolf" Teal'c, it's "Cried wolf" and that story ended with the boy being eaten.' Jack waved his hand as if tying to emphasize his point. Ignoring him Daniel opened the lid and scooped out a teaspoons worth.
Teal'c found himself staring at Daniel Jackson as his friend rushed for the water on the table, thrusting the jar into his hands. As the archaeologist proceeded to drink all of the water, between coughing and sneezing, Teal'c accidentally inhaled the aroma from the still open jar. The result was… interesting.
'Most…' Strangely his own voice was effected by the gas realised by the compound. Forcing it back down to his usual bass tenor he managed to say. 'Most robust,' before his voice cracked again with the word; 'O'Neill'.
'I warned you.' Said the General.
'I can't see.' Whimpered Daniel Jackson clutching the table with bone white knuckles.
'I warned you too Daniel.'
'I told you.'
'My mouth's on fire!'
'Oh yes and I'm bli…' Teal'c guessed Daniel Jackson was going to say "blind" but O'Neill interrupted.
'I did tell you. Didn't I warn you too Carter.' The blond woman waved an arm, it appeared to take some effort but Teal'c considered that an improvement on Daniel Jackson's current status.
Said status being cursing in all of the languages known to him at once. And probable blindness.
O'Neill clapped his hands together for attention. 'Alright then kids here's what you do. Daniel, you and Carter help each other to the infirmary. Siler, you go with Teal'c to has-mat and take that thing with you. I will try to tidy my desk.' Then perhaps the greatest warrior of the Tau'ri scrambled into his office and bolted the door.
Surprisingly it had only taken quarter of an hour to clean his office. Exactly the same amount of time it would have taken the guys time to get where they were going and deliver themselves or the sauce. Another surprising coincidence was that Jack's idea of "Tidy" left the room in exactly the same as it was before. The General chose not to notice these coincidences. Picking up the phone Jack had to pause to remember the intercom number for Hazardous Materials.
'General O'Neill here. Has Teal'c left yet.'
'Sorry sir. He never arrived.'
For a horrible moment Jack wondered if the Jaffa had tried to eat any of it. 'Call me when he gets there.' Dismissing it as paranoia Jack leaned back. But his eyes never left the phone.
Between then Sam and Daniel had let themselves out of the infirmary and had headed to the commissary. 'If there's one thing I need it's a cold drink.' She smiled.
'I hear you there Sam. I still can't believe that stuff exists.'
'Once has-mat's finished with it I'm taking a chemical analysis and then putting it on the controlled chemicals list.'
'What I can't believe is that some people eat that stuff. Hey there's Teal'c… with the jar?'
Said Jaffa was sat at a table with said Jar and a large stack of ham sandwiches. The huge man was grinning as he took a fork full of horseradish to one of them.
Guy's trust me on this, that stuff really exists! I know because it's a real recipe from my family. Thankfully the stuff is almost impossible to get hold of in large amounts but man is it strong!
Good thing to have with Christmas turkey!
Seasons greetings and a happy new year
AKA Thomas Fishwick
19th to the 20th December 2005