AN: Absolutely NO offence to ZoroSanji lovers. u I just… really don't see that pairing.


Food was, for once, late.

"Oi, cook," Zoro shouted, as he banged open the door to the kitchen on purpose, "the Captain demands that he be served his daily proportions of meat in five minutes, and if not, there's no guarantee of what he'll do to - the hell are you…?"

The swordsman stopped mid-threat, one eyebrow raised at the slim, suit-clad figure sitting hunched at the corner of the room. Back braced against the wall, both legs set in a casual squat-like position with both arms stretched across his knees, Sanji didn't even bother acknowledging the other's presence.

Zoro scratched the back of his neck, a little unsettled by the cook's uncharacteristic behavior. "Oi," he said, a little less gruff this time, "y'heard what I said? Luffy's going ballistic back there, and there's only so much Nami and Usopp can do to pacify his hunger before – "

His words stuttered and died as the blond hunched forward, buried his head between his own knees, and let out a wail of despair.

"…what the hell…"

"Please don't mention her to me," Sanji sobbed, still sniffling into his pant legs, "my heart aches every time I think of that beautiful face…"

"Sanji, what drugs did you take last night?"

"And you!" The cook's head shot up, a furious glare directed his way, a jabbing finger pointing accusingly at his face, "you shouldn't even be here! It'll just make things worse! What would Nami-chan say if she saw – !"

"Could you kindly back the hell up and explain what is going on here?" Zoro growled, annoyance flaring – he knew the cook had issues, but this was just… What did he have to do with Sanji and Nami, and when the hell was the cook going to shut up and cook before the Rubber Man started eating their ship?

Now it was Sanji's turn to look annoyed. "You mean you don't know?"

"Don't know what, moron!"

"Me." The cook jerked a thumb towards himself for emphasis, as though Zoro was a mere child who couldn't understand language, "and you" – he pointed fiercely at the bushido again – "have a problem. Well, to be more specific – I have a problem with you."

"Which is!" he roared. "Stop keeping me in suspense!"

"Alright." Sanji inhaled deeply.

"I think the reason Nami-chan hasn't been speaking to me for the last twelve hours was because she discovered that the majority of our fandom consists of pairings that have you and me in it."

The round, antique clock on the far wall ticked by for long, painful ten seconds.

"…what the f – "

Sanji began clawing at his face. "ZoroSanji is EVERYWHERE, my god – I don't want to know how the hell those peoples' minds work – we're guys, and just comrades at that – and if my constant shameless lusting after our beautiful navigator hasn't already proved the fact that I'm perfectly straight – though I'm not too sure about you," he added as a considerate afterthought, "I don't know what will. I mean, I totally approve of all the SanjiNami." Said blond allowed his eye to magically morph into a pink heart for a moment, "but you – and me – "

Zoro somehow managed to look squicked. "Just a sec – where in the world are you getting your information from?"

"I have my sources," the cook said mysteriously. "Do you know? I flitted through this list of reasons on why the two of us are (he shuddered) compatible, and it was because we fight all the damned time. What the hell?"

"…the fuck?"

"Yes, apparently, we do that too." Sanji began systematically bashing his head against the cabinets on the walls. "URGH I think my brain has been scarred for life. The sheer amount of fanfiction…"

"So just because we break each others' ribs every few days over some minor squabble and beat down the other's ego every few minutes, it's 'love'?" Zoro demanded. "I thought that would be classified under 'aggressive spouse abusal' or something."

"Not to mention that anyone who'd want to settle down with an algae-head like you has to be absolutely out of her mind."

"Same to you, Prince Idiot."

"Oh, petty name-calling now, eh?"

"You started it. Look, moron, the only reason Nami didn't speak to you for the past twelve hours was because it was nighttime, idiot. We were all asleep. I'm very sure she doesn't read that trash. And I don't want to know why you were reading it in the first place."

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

Tick.

"…oh."

Suddenly Sanji looked a lot happier.

"YOU ARE SUCH AN ASSHO – "

"MEAAAAT!" Luffy roared, crashing through the kitchen door, "I want my breakfast and I want it noooooow, Sanji!"

"Who the hell eats meat for breakfast?" Sanji roared back, leaping to his feet, upsetting a nearby bowl of salad over Zoro, who, predictably –

"YOU MORON! YOU GOT SALAD DRESSING ALL OVER ME – "

"GOMU GOMU NO… PISTOL!"

"You idiots, stop tearing up the ship – !"

"Ah! Nami-chan! I'm so sorry! I'll fix up the place right away!"

"LIKE HELL YOU WILL, AFTER I'M DONE WITH YOU – "

"Sanji! Food now! Before Luffy turns cannibalistic!"

"Sure thing, Nami-chan!"

"THREE SWORD STYLE – "

"MEAAAAAAAAAAAT!"

fin