AN: Hi guys, you know what? I don't really care if you object to my going over to the dark side. I'm a fan of the canon as much as of the fanon; I can view Zoro and Sanji as really good friends, best buddies or nakama – doesn't mean that since I like them as a slash pairing means everything I do has to be them screwing each other all the time. (Not to mention I can't write porn.) It also DOESN'T mean I can't write hate fiction about the pairing I'm into. It's all for point of good fun, good humor. I never intended any serious hating towards ZoSan lovers when I started this fiction, it was merely just poking harmless fun and wondering what the canon characters would say about it.
So, nagging aside, I present my sixth crack issue of anti-ZoSan.
(Straw Hat navigator NAMI strides into view wearing a black suit and miniskirt. She is carrying a tape under one arm, and she takes short, brisk strides across the stage before stopping to face the audience.)
NAMI: (growling to herself) For the money, only for the money… (realizes she's on camera and suddenly gives the audience a blinding smile that has everyone scrambling for sunglasses.) Well, good day, everybody! Welcome to the first episode of "We Are! Anti-ZoSan!" What is "Anti-ZoSan", you ask? Well it means exactly that, you brainless dumbass! It's anti-Zoro-times-Sanji! A show that is completely against what should be the most sinful slash pairing the Grand Line has ever come up with!
You want proof, you say? Proof that these two aren't actually doing things behind the scenes? (She holds up the tape.) WELL, HERE'S YOUR DAMNED PROOF. FANGIRLS, YOU BETTER WATCH CLOSELY.
USOPP: (peeking out from behind a curtain) Uh, N-Nami-swan, the director says to keep your swearing and insulting down to a minimum –
NAMI: TO HELL WITH THE DIRECTOR! I DO WHAT I DAMNED WELL WANT ON THIS SHOW!
SANJI: Ah, my Nami-swan is so stunning when she shoots flames from her mouth like that…
NAMI: YOU SHUT UP, TOO! I'M DOING THIS FOR THE BOTH OF YOU IDIOTS!
(Scene changes as NAMI pushes the tape into a player and plays the tape. The camera cuts in to the television screen. ZORO appears on the screen, sleeping outside right next to the galley door.)
NAMI: (offscene) Watch closely and take note of the cook's and swordsman's reactions.
(The galley door suddenly slams open, smashing ZORO in the face and sending most of him backwards into the wall. The door stays in its opened state. SANJI comes waltzing out with a tray of olive-topped martinis, numerous pink hearts floating off his form as he saunters out of camera range.)
SANJI: (television, offscene) NAAAAAAAAAMI-SWAAAAAAAN? ROOOOOBIN-CHWAAAAAN? Please have a sip of my freshly-prepared drinks, made with love from my heart for yoooou!
(Several seconds after, the galley door is suddenly ripped off its hinges and goes flying, disappearing somewhere in the distance with a sparkle. ZORO's teeth have evolved into sharp, white fangs and his eyes appears to have lost their pupils. His face is red and swollen from the force of flesh meeting hard wooden door.)
ZORO: (television, onscene) THAT SHITTY LOVE COOK, I'M GOING TO KILL THAT –censor- STUPID USELESS –censor- FOR BRAINS –censor- -censoooooooooooorrrrrr-
(ZORO gives a loud roar that sounds amazingly similar to King Kong, beats his chest, and stomps offscene with all three of his swords drawn and his bandana tied around his head.)
(Camera cuts back to show Nami and television set in the foreground.)
NAMI: Note that Sanji never even noticed that Zoro was sitting directly outside his path, despite the visibility through the porthole located on the galley door. Note also that Zoro will be owing me a triple percent interest charge for destroying said door –
ZORO: BLAME IT ON THAT SHITTY LOVE COOK!
NAMI: (pointedly ignoring Zoro) – and his instant reaction to immediately sought out and kill said cook. Where is the love, fangirls, I ask you? Where?
(Camera cuts back in to television. In the mens' quarters, ZORO and SANJI are now asleep, with ZORO on the couch and SANJI on the floor directly below him.)
NAMI: (offscene, sounding resigned.) Observe.
(ZORO gives off a particularly loud, chainsaw snore, turns over in his sleep, and falls off the couch, promptly landing heavily on SANJI, hip to hip, chest to chest, face to face, with his lips over the cook's own. Both ZORO and SANJI's eyes snap wide open as they wake up, regarding each other in approximately one second of horrified silence before they rear back from each other aggressively. After which, the camera goes into I'm-standing-on-an-earthquake mode, shaking to the point where the room and whatever is in it dissolves into a nausea-inducing blur of motion. The television also begins emitting a series of rapid, continuous high-pitched censor beeps as ZORO and SANJI presumably begin swearing at each other.
At one point, the camera is knocked over and lands sideways on the floor, and we can now see ZORO and SANJI each trying to choke the other purple, with LUFFY and CHOPPER in the background eating popcorn and cheering them on while USOPP runs around screaming. A couple of seconds later, NAMI makes an appearance through the emergency door in the mens' quarters, and begins beating all the men over the head with one of ZORO's dumbbells.
The screen is replaced with a censor bar for nearly two minutes before we see NAMI storming out of the room, clutching the now-dented dumbbell. Any survivors left are not in camera range.)
(Cut back to Nami and the television set. She has a very forced grin on her face.)
NAMI: See? It's clear they hate each other! Not to mention that this was recorded in total secret, so this are their perfectly natural reactions.
ZORO: IF LUFFY DIDN'T MAKE ME SWEAR NOT TO KILL MY NAKAMA, I'D HAVE FINISHED OFF THIS ASSHOLE A LONG TIME AGO!
SANJI: Killing? I'd be more creative in my methods of dealing out death than what limited cells your brain permits you to use.
ZORO: WHY YOU –
NAMI: Kill our cook, and that'll be another 50 percent raised.
ZORO: …FINE! (throws himself into a nearby chair, folds his arms tightly, and begins sulking, shooting accusing glares at the blond chef)
SANJI: Ahhh, my Nami-swan is so sweet and dear to come to my defense –
NAMI: And if YOU ever aid that idiot buffoon in destroying any of our property again OR create enough of a din to rouse me AND Robin from OUR sleep…!
ZORO: …wait, you mean you and Robin…?
NAMI: What? What do you m – NO! NO! WHAT DO YOU – YOU SICK BASTARDS! EW!
SANJI: How dare you insult my precious Nami-swan, you stupid Marimo head!
ZORO: So it's my fault she chose to word her sentence that way, now!
NAMI and SANJI: MORE LIKE HOW YOU CHOSE TO HEAR WHAT WAS ACTUALLY BEING SAID!
(Camera cuts to show NAMI and SANJI hitting on… er, aggressively beating ZORO up in a corner. USOPP nervously pokes his face into view.)
USOPP: Uh… Stay tuned for next week's "We Are! Anti-NamiRobin!" episode?