A/N: Scribbled in my notebook whilst in a strop. Warnings include bad sex and worse humor. Also a fair dose of OOC and everyone-bashing. Flames defending Kikyou will be laughed at, as I love her OMGsomuchmorethanj00.
Edit, 12/22. Proofreading is a virtue, and the "Y" is far too close to the "T". Apologies to those who had to read, "a spay between two women," never has a finger-slip cost quite so many ovaries. While spaying Kagome and Kikyou would probably solve a good many problems, I for one advocate keeping it to dogs and cats.
Inuyasha was convinced that his life was a joke.
Now, for all you may have heard the term before, it rarely makes sense. After all, how many jokes are told about being orphaned, ostracized, betrayed, or shot through the heart? Not the funniest material, there.
But this referred to that sort of joke most told amongst children, in which a simple pun or slip leads to a huge misunderstanding, and is carried through to the point of silliness. For example: "Did you see my yardstick? I think I left it in my bed." "Why would you bring a yardstick to bed?" "I wanted to see how long I slept!" Har har. Only this sort of thing was happening to him all the time.
His life, or so he'd been told, started with a misunderstanding. The Inu no Taishou had headed home, rather drunk, with the intention of knocking up his wife. Somewhere along the way, he had, er…missed.
Maybe Sesshoumaru had been lying.
But all things considered, Inuyasha was inclined to believe him. It fit.
It wasn't that he was against Kikyou in any way. Even when she did things that he would not have tolerated in anyone else, he knew that being dead leads to an altered perspective on things. In her mind, she was completely logical and moral. He understood, if by that it is meant that he had no clue whatsoever. But that, while one of a long string of misunderstandings, is besides the point.
He hadn't meant to kill her. Again. Really truly.
Of course, he'd known it was all a big misunderstanding when he'd found Kikyou about to kill Kagome. Kikyou just probably liked Kagome, and wanted another dead friend, someone she could relate to. Or something. Not wanting to take sides in a spat between women, but really preferring Kagome of the breathing persuasion (most of the time) he gently separated them, and looked Kikyou in the eye, distinctly uncomfortable.
The girls watched on expectantly, Kagome sure that Inuyasha had finally grown a pair and was standing up for her, and Kikyou certain that her darling love had been so overwhelmed with desire for her that he pushed the inferior girl aside, and was about to do delightful things to her.
Nervous sweat gathered under the tangled hairs on his neck, and began to itch. He raised a hand slowly, with the intent of scratching his neck, a gesture that Kikyou mistook for an invitation, leading her to fall forward with a passionate yet demure sort of abandon.
…And was impaled on his outstretched arm.
Inuyasha looked on with shock. Kikyou hadn't known her own strength. Dully, he wondered what would have become of him if she had collapsed on him as intended with that force of impact.
"Hah! Self defense, I saw it, she lunged at you!" came Kagome's clear voice. "Actually, defense of me, my hero! About time you came around, and saw that a dead old…" she hesitated, seeing Inuyasha's rather hurt expression. "I mean," Kagome fumbled, "what a tragic end to things, truly." She cleared her throat, and looked downward guiltily. "Poor Kikyou," she added unconvincingly.
Now, as misunderstandings went, that had been a bad one. Knowing Kikyou like he did, Inuyasha was certain that a little thing like manslaughter would be but a temporary obstacle to her. This helped to assuage his guilt, but he shuddered to think of her pain and righteous wrath when she inevitably returned.
However, he had always intended, at some point in the end of things, to walk away with one of the two girls he loved on his arm. (Ironic pun not intended.) So for a very bad misunderstanding, this one had its perks, as Kagome was convinced that Inuyasha had chosen her once and for all, even going as far as to slay his zombie ex-lover for her benefit. And this fortuitous misconception resulted in quite a bit of sex.
But Inuyasha should have known that this was entirely too good to last. Something was bound to bugger it all up, and like as not it would be widely agreed to be his fault.
It came about the same time he did, gloriously buried inside Kagome, and somewhat delirious from similar performances in recent memory. He squeezed her breast and bit his lip and moaned, "Oh, oh, Sango!"
He was out the door and groping bonelessly for his pants before he'd even had time to go fully flaccid. A shoe landed on his head. Seeing as he didn't wear shoes, he concluded that Kagome had run out of his clothes to throw at him, and started throwing her own. He caught a glimpse of Kagome's bare breast heaving with venomous passion as she located her backpack and proceeded to hurl textbooks at him. He reached for that breast, so beautiful, and his so very, very recently, that had now become as unattainable as the sun.
The textbooks had painful corners, almost as sharp as the villagers' stares. He'd never known that there was controversy over whether his hair really was white all over, but there were the village housewives, paying off bets to one another. Really there seemed to be quite the gambling problem.
Inuyasha pulled on his clothes, resigned to his miserable fate. But even he hadn't expected that. It wasn't as if he harbored any illicit longing for Sango. Why, he didn't even see her that way! Kagura certainly, and once Jaken—but no, there was no reason for this to have happened.
The only thing he could think of was that he'd been so terrified of accidentally calling out Kikyou's name, that he had been thinking, "Don't say 'Kikyou', don't say 'Kikyou'," and as fate would have its way, he didn't say 'Kagome' either.
"What did the mommy tomato say to the baby tomato that was lagging behind?" "Ketchup!"
See, just like that, a joke. A homophonic slip. 'Sango', 'Kagome', they sound alike!
…Except for the part where they're completely different.
At that point in his musings, Kikyou showed up. Though she looked murderous, he thought it was almost cute after seeing Kagome's wrath.
"Hey," Inuyasha said, expecting (nay, hoping) to be pulled into a lovers' suicide at any moment.
Only she didn't. Instead she pulled a sheathed sword from her robes, saying, "You forgot this."
Inuyasha stared at Tessaiga, dumbfounded. How could he have lost something so precious? How could he have failed to notice its absence? Inuyasha felt a sudden outpouring of affection toward Kikyou then, who, in spite of everything, had overlooked circumstances and done something kind for him. Wasn't that how he'd fallen in love with her to begin with? He clasped his hands around hers, which still held the sword.
At that moment, Kagome opened the door, and burst into tears. Kikyou gaped at Kagome's state of undress, finally noticed the mess Inuyasha stood in the middle of, and jerked her hands away.
"You cad!" Kikyou exclaimed. "Is that the great thing your life was spared for, to womanize?" Knowing that the hanyou would barely feel a mere slap in the face, she kneed him hard in the groin and stomped off, Tessaiga in hand.
As Inuyasha crumpled over to the sound of Kagome's wailing, it seemed to him that his life was exactly like a joke. And when that night he mistakenly got into a rather amorous Kaede's bed, he just couldn't muster the energy to be surprised.
That was just how his life tended to go.