TITLE: "Whistle When You're Dead" (1/?)
AUTHOR: Marie-Claude Danis
EMAIL: mc@verticalcrawl.com
SITE: http://verticalcrawl.com/fic
DISTRIB: My site, list archives. Otherwise just ask.
SPOILERS: Um... hee hee... sure, I guess. Season five in a general kinda way.
RATING: R for language, perhaps.
PAIRING: None, really. Just a whole mess o' people.
SUMMARY: A full-fledged, take-no-prisoner, in-your-face Mary Sue to end all Mary Sues. All that, minus the pretence that it's not really me. That's the point, eh. Very cheeky. Meet Emmy (moi), she who was possibly put on this earth to make Spike's life a whole lot harder.
NOTE: In response to Anthony Davenport's "put yourself in BtVS" challenge and Scorpio's Mary Sue challenge. Title an obvious rip off of Robbie William's "Whistle When You're Winning".

* * *

So, it all started with Xander tripping through the Magic Box entrance, all limbs and grin. "Guys! Come quick! Spike is getting his ass kicked by a girl!"

Giles looked up from his book. The others barely bothered. "Spike always gets his ass kicked by a girl," the Watcher pointed out, then he returned to his work.

Xander made an exasperated, helpless gesture in the air. "This is the part where you're all supposed to jump up and rush outside with me."

"Oh, I suppose we COULD take a break..."

I resounding scream came from outside, and in a heartbeat they were all on the sidewalk, watching in awe as Spike laid face first on the pavement, with a girl straddling his thighs and pinning his hands in his back. A giggle came out of Buffy. Willow elbowed her with a scowl she didn't really had the corresponding 'tude to back up. Giles himself could barely contain his amusement.

Spike wiggled, trying to worm his way out of the girl's hold.




"SAY UNCLE. I have a book with me, I can stay like this forever!"

Spike just growled and wiggled some more. Xander, enjoying himself silly, addressed the young woman.

"Ah, miss?"


"Well first, welcome to Sunnydale."

"Nice to be here."

"You're straddling a vampire."

She looked at the back of the blond head.

"I am? Well." She looked back at Xander and the giggle gang behind him. "The Forces of Darkness aren't trying very hard nowadays, are they."

"Well, he's usually a bit manlier than this."

*wiggle* "Thanks, mate."

"You an old buddy of his? Someone with a grudge?"

"I've never seen this man before. Yet he walks right up to me and jumps on me. Bastard tried to BITE ME." Those two last words were yelled at Spike's head, and she yanked his arms higher on his back, getting a howl of pain out of him.


"Oh be quiet."

"No respect for the mother country!"



Giles stepped in, stifling his own chuckles. "Children, children. Please. Miss..."

"Lamoureux. Emmy Lamoureux."

Buffy made a face. "For real?" Willow elbowed her again.

"Miss Lamoureux, I assure you that Spike is not dangerous. You can release him. And thank you for that, by the way. We..." He smirked. "That was enjoyable."

Emmy considered this, then stood up, taking deliberate care to dig her knee into Spike's back as she did. As soon as he was free Spike jumped on his feet and stood at a safe distance, glaring at the girl angrily.

She dusted her pants casually and shouldered her bag, muttering. "Goddamn Americans..." She turned to leave but was intercepted by Xander.

"Wait wait wait. What are you?" Because, hey, she'd just tackled a master (if a little emasculated) vampire.

She looked at him oddly, reaching for an answer. "I'm... a girl?"

"Yes, but what else?"

"Uh... Canadian?"

Buffy perked up. "For real?"

"Buffy, shh!" Willow warned her.

The wheels in Xander's head worked quickly. "Oh. Riiight. Mother country, the accent, the clothes..."

"What's wrong with the clothes?" she asked defensively, looking down at her flared brown cords, Birkenstocks and green top. She pointed at Tara accusingly. "I'm practically dressed like HER!"

Tara hid behind Willow.

Spike piped up, finally. "If you ask me, we should get rid of her. She's bad news."

Everybody, including the newcomer, turned to him with their hands on their hips.

Spike threw his hands in the air. "FINE! The girl just ATTACKS me, but sure, fine, leave her to traipse around town like a bloody she-devil."

"Look, pal, I'm just passing through, 'kay? I wouldn't DREAM of inconveniencing you beyond the call of duty."

"So you admit being a pain in the-"

She took a menacing step towards him and he fled like a rabbit.


(BTW, about the name. People who can't pronounce my name often call me MC or Emmy. And Lamoureux is my father's last name, which I don't use much. I have enough names as it is.)

Feed me please!