Disclaimer: Check list: Millionaire: nope; amazing writer: unfortunately not; the owner and creator of all things Harry Potter: man, I wish. But no. Own nothing.
Author's Note: This is my first story (except for "There is Only Power", which is a very short one shot so it doesn't count) that isn't at least slightly AU. Admittedly, my AU character, Cambri, makes something of a cameo in here, but she is mentioned in name only. This is a Regulus story, told through his eyes, although much of the time he is talking about Sirius. I had a lot of fun writing this, and I hope you like it. Please, please R/R if you've got the heart or the time. Loves-Sulwyn
I am not the sort of swashbuckling, sword-brandishing, damsel-rescuing hero you'll read about in stories. I don't even know what a swashbuckler is, although I do own a foil. It is the opinion of most that I am asexual, so rescuing damsels is out of the question. Must keep up images. (Note to self-discover what image is and determine whether or not it is acceptable.)
I am also not the drowning-in-grief, suffering-artist, disturbed-but-lovable hero. I'm too logical. I don't have anything to be grieved or disturbed over, unless you count my family, which I don't. So what kind of hero am I? I'm not. I'm not even an anti-hero, like the ones in Hawthorne or Poe or those pop novels that I refuse to read. Too much logic. Too much self-discipline. Too much intelligence to be a hero.
So I'm no the hero of this story, if I could be so bold as to call my life a story-there's really not much plot. But, story or no, I'm no hero. That would be my brother, Sirius.
He is the sword-brandishing, suffering-artist, hero/anti-hero all at the same time.
He is the outcast of the family, despised by some of the most powerful people of the wizarding world, but loved by just about everyone else he meets.
He is charming, graceful, and he draws with crayons on a regular basis. Good drawings, too. Oh, he is also an alcoholic, with helps with his Suffering-Artist look.
He stands up for what he thinks is right, always. He'll defend peoples' honor, even if they don't deserve it, and he stands strong in the face of adversity.
So, really, there's no room for me to be the hero. I'm not jealous; quite the opposite, actually. I've never wanted to be in the spotlight like him.
If I may, I will continue in this story metaphor. Our family, Lucius and Bella in particular, is the Antagonist. They are always testing the Hero, like they can't wait to see what he'll do next.
The Supporting Heroes are as follows: James Potter, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, Cambri Terrangs, Kira Adelais, and, sometimes, James's parents, Cyril and Karenina Potter.
The Antagonists do not receive Supporting Villains. They are powerful enough that they don't need them. They support themselves.
Remus Lupin doubles as a Supporting Hero and a Character Foil for the Hero. Lucius is a Villain as well as a Foil, as is our mother and that weird psychiatrist they sent him to last year.
Our father is a Minor Villain, since he's rarely around, and Cambri is our Love Interest.
The teachers and Dumbledore are Watchers, Minor Characters, and Narrators, at least some them are sometimes.
I don't know where I fit in. I don't molest Sirius, so I can't be a Villain, but I'm certainly not his friend, so Supporting Hero is out of the question. I am neither around him often enough nor influential enough to be a Character Foil. And I am not complicated enough, at least not to him, to be a Plot Twist or a Conflict.
I am White Noise. A Red Herring. One of those characters who you think you have to keep an eye on but doesn't end of mattering much in the end. Or vice versa.
Either way, I was supposed to be creating an extended metaphor about my own life, and it has wound up revolving about Sirius. I am not surprised.
It seems ridiculous that I am White Noise in my own story of my own life. There's no way I'm giving this to the Therapist. He'll think that I have self-esteem issues, which I do. But it's his job to figure that out, so why ruin his fun by just telling him my problems?
Which I could do, by the way. I am slightly schizophrenic, have some mild OCD, and am paranoid on most bank holidays.
But, mostly, I just think too much. I blame my genes, but mostly I blame Sirius. (Could that be considered an issue? Maybe-must consult psychology textbook). I was born more or less brilliant, and, like many brilliant people, more or less emotionless. I have Sirius's delinquency to thank for my hostilities, phobias, sarcasm, and pessimism. Of course I would never tell the Hero this. It would damage his all-too-sensitive, all-too-inflated ego.
It is amazing how distant 'almost nothing' and 'nothing at all' are. I am Almost Nothing, and, though I expend all my energies on it, I cannot become Nothing At All. I cannot disappear into the crowd like I used to. Sirius's popularity has seen to that. Most people enjoy the residual effects of having a well-liked sibling or friend. I, on the other hand, am annoyed, especially since people have begun to see my silent, outcast attitude as attractive. I think puberty has something to do with this and I have nothing but antipathy for it.
The Therapist keeps telling me to express the pain he knows is buried within me somewhere. I want to know what the point of expressing buried pain is-if I wanted to express it, why would I have buried it? I don't say this, but I can tell he is annoyed with my silent reply to his comment-an upraised eyebrow.
He sighs and hands me a sheet of paper so I can draw for him. This is our usual routine. He makes truly laudable, yet vain attempts at conversation, and then, once it has failed, he gives me paper and some pens and I'm off, drawing flat, children's drawings of animals, usually of birds. There's no need to show him my potential in art and get his hopes for a breakthrough up, but somehow I think he can tell I'm something of an artist anyway.
I have a headache. I want to go home, or at least I want to go back to what's left of home. Father died just a few weeks ago, Sirius left just before his death, and Mother is rapidly losing her mind.
It seems strange that Sirius is gone. He has always been my shield, turning away most of the spotlight and most of the family's anger from me. He always protected me, even though he never realized it. But now, with both him and Father gone, and Mother going mad, I have to be the oldest son, the youngest son, and I have to manage the family's business. My life is, well, dreadful, at the moment.
And Sirius has no idea what he left me to. He cannot realize he was confining me to this life of endless responsibility and frustration. And yet that is exactly what he did. And he doesn't care. He is having the time of his teenaged life at school, while I've had to take time off of it because I have to take care of my family.
I'm really quite frustrated by his behavior.
I didn't want him to leave, although I'm sure he doesn't know it. I've never been good at expressing my emotions, especially not towards someone whom my family so reviled. But when I walked into Sirius's room and found him packing a few weeks ago, I realized that I didn't hate him, as the rest of my family did. In fact, I rather enjoyed his company. I stared at him for a good long moment, and then I left. I think my behavior puzzled him, but there's no way for me to tell him how I feel.
He left me, anyway. Left his whole family behind with not a second glance or regret. I can't blame him, really. They treated him horribly; he has all sorts of scars from them, not the least of which is the Black family crest branded on his back. I probably would have left myself, had I been in his place and had I been the emotional type.
But none of this speculation matters. I am on my own, and I will adjust and move on. This has the opportunity to make me strong, and I will emerge from this current situation smarter and better than I was upon entering.
Still, I do miss him. And still, I wish I knew why . . . I wasn't good enough for him to stay.
A/N: So, what'd you think? I'm preparing myself to write a follow up chapter told in Sirius's point of view, but we'll see how everything goes. Please R/R, it would be much appreciated! Thanks much!