Title: A Short Parody
Genre: Tragedy. Pfft! Yeah right! It's humor.
Disclaimer: Lord of the Rings belongs to Tolkien. The movies belong to Peter Jackson. Not me. No matter how much my insane mind tries to claim them, I can only call myself a fan and leave it at that.
Summary: A very short parody of the Quest, in which Gandalf gets ticked off, Frodo loses the Ring, Legolas does nothing, and Gimli gets to be the hero. I guess you'd call it AU.
Author's Note: Just a bit of insanity I cooked up because I was getting annoyed with movie-Frodo constantly saying "I can't do this" and the way movie-Legolas kept letting everyone order him around. Don't get me wrong, I love the movies but there are a couple of things that start to get on my nerves about the twelfth time through.
"But Gandalf," the hobbit whined for what had to be the three-thousandth time in a row, "I don't want to!"
The wizard, not exactly known for his patience and tolerance in dealing with these halflings, finally snapped. "If you don't want to do it then I'll find someone who will!" he roared, yanking the ring and its chain from off Frodo's neck. "I am so sick of your whining! It's always 'Gandalf, I can't do this,' 'Gandalf, I can't carry the Ring to Mordor,' 'Gandalf, Pippin's looking at me funny'. You want to forsake the quest? Go right ahead!" Gandalf stomped off, muttering something under his breath and ignoring the suddenly hysterical behavior of the ex-ringbearer.
"Aragorn!" the wizard called. "Will you take up the quest?"
The man looked up from sharpening his sword with a bewildered look on his face. "But Gandalf," he protested, "what about the weakness in my blood? Isildur himself couldn't resist the Ring...what makes you think I can?"
Growling in frustration, the wizard turned to the other likely candidate. "Samwise?"
The hobbit looked up from where he had been cooking...something. "Well," he said slowly. "Normally, Mister Gandalf, I'd be happy to do whatever you ask, but I'm afraid I can't."
The wizard frowned. "Why not?"
"Can't say I'd have much better luck with it than Mister Frodo," Sam shrugged. "'Sides, heroics were never my thing...I'd just as soon turn back to gardening than anything else. And who's to say I wouldn't fall prey to that thing? No, sorry, Mister Gandalf, Sir, but I have to decline."
Gandalf blinked in surprise. He hadn't expected this amount of wisdom from the hobbit. Unfortunately, the other two hobbits in the party didn't show the same discretion.
"Oi! I'll take it!"
"No, Pip, you'd just lose it. Give it to me!"
"I said it first!"
"But I'm older."
"But I said it first!"
"Tell you what; I'll destroy this evil ring, you destroy the next."
"That's not fair!"
"Silence, both of you!" Gandalf roared. "I am not leaving the ring in the hands of an imbecile, and that applies to both of you," he added as the pair started smirking as though each had won the argument.
"I'll take it," Boromir offered.
"Not you," Gandalf snapped, a little more harshly than was necessary. "You'd just take it back to your insane father and he probably destroy all of Middle-Earth by accident. Or else he'd lock it away, never to use save with great need, and the enemy would learn of its location and raze your city to the ground. Is that what you want? Is it?"
Frightened by the wizard's sudden anger, Boromir meekly shook his head and looked down.
"Legolas," Gandalf turned to one of the two remaining members of the party. "What about you."
The elf paled and looked over to Aragorn for advice. The ranger shrugged and went back to sharpening his sword. "I-I don't know," Legolas stuttered. "What do you think?"
"Can't you decide something for yourself for once?" Gandalf fumed.
"Well...why don't you take it!" the elf exclaimed brightly, beaming at his skill in thinking for himself.
Gandalf just shook his head. "Because I already have a ring—but you weren't supposed to know that, so just forget it," he added, knowing the elf would literally obey him and forget about Gandalf's ring of power. "As I told Frodo, I cannot take it because I, as a wizard, am too powerful and it would be too easy for me to be corrupted by the ring."
Disgusted, Gandalf turned to his last hope. "Will you take the quest, Gimli?"
The dwarf chewed on the stem of his pipe thoughtfully and nodded, taking the chain from Gandalf and slipping it over his head.
"Right!" Gandalf said cheerfully. "We're off to Mount Doom!"
"But what about us?" Aragorn wailed.
"It's no concern of mine...go to Gondor and help Boromir save his city for all I care, just leave me and the dwarf to finish the quest!"
And thus Gimli the Dwarf never did learn to like elves, though he did save Middle-Earth. Which is, I suppose, more important.
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