Series Title: Series of Unfortunate Events with Akabane

Pairing: Akabane/characters of GB

Genre: Humor

Rate: R for bad language…

Disclaimer: Not mine, unfortunately…

Betas: Farah & Meiry (Eloisa Austria)

Summery: Akabane is trying to be social but……

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Operation One:

Jubei's Malformed Ass…

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The birds sang happily to the summer sun at Madoka's summerhouse, where the Get Backers and some of their friends were spending their vacation. It was indeed peaceful happy day until……

"AKABANE KURODO, I CAN'T BEAR THIS ANYMORE!" Jubei unusually screamed, jumping out of the bed.

His scream filled the house, waking everyone up.

"Jubei-kun," Akabane replied calmly, sitting up with his usually creepy happy smile on his face. "What is it that you can't bear anymore?"

"Look at my dissected body and you'll know what. If I was dead, the doctor wouldn't need to cut me open because you've already done the honors." Jubei yelled angrily. "I can't bear more cuts on my body."

"But I thought you liked it, Jubei-kun."

"Don't 'kun' me, you creepy pervert." Jubei retorted. "I won't allow you to chop my body anymore. I have lost more blood with you than all my battles in the Limitless Fortress combined!"

"Now, now…I still fail to see the problem." Akabane replied, yawning.

A needle flew towards Akabane but he dodged it gracefully.

"My, My…" he said. "I see that we are in a bad mood…again."

"Bad Mood? I'll show you bad mood." With that, a handful of needles flew in Akabane's direction but he managed to jump away, dodging them in time.

"I see that you are in the mood for playing." Akabane said with a smile, unleashing his knives. "What a nice way to start the day."

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Meanwhile, outside in the garden, the rest of the gang started to have their breakfast while listening to the couple's fighting.

"They are fighting again!" Shido said with a sigh. "I don't know how long I can stand this every day. Someone is ought to do something about it…"

Everyone nodded in agreement.

"Poor Jubei." Kazuki said, while drinking his tea. "I don't know why he is keeping up with a monster like Akabane."

Shido was about to comment when suddenly, a needle struck the middle of the table followed by a knife that struck into the tree right behind Ginji's head, causing the blond Get Backer to shrink into his chibi-form.

"Ban-chan!" he stared frightenedly at the knife then at his boyfriend. "Doesn't that thing in the tree look familiar?"

"Relax." Ban said. "They'll calm down after an hour or so."

"But what will happen to us during that hour?" Ginji asked tearfully.

Ban just shrugged and continued his breakfast, while listening to the outraging battle in the house.

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Back in the house, the battle continued between two strong wills, Kakei Jubei vs. Akabane Kurodo.

"Take those, you blood-sucking vampire." Three black needles were thrown at Akabane's direction.

"Yare, yare, Jubei -kun." Akabane said with a smile. "You're too slow this morning. What's the matter? Lost too much energy last night?"

"I haven't lost anything because of your damn knives. Every time, you're near orgasm, a knife pops out of nowhere and cut through my body!"

"But Jubei-kun," Akabane replied with a smile. "Those scars look awfully nice on your body."

"What do you think I am? A freakin' war hero?"

"Another wild fantasy, Jubei-kun?" Akabane said with a bloodlust look in his eyes.

"You damn creepy pervert!"

"Anyway, if you didn't like it last night, it's because you didn't do like I said."

"What? Swallow your cum, you said?" Jubei yelled heatedly. "You were asking for the impossible. And you call yourself my lover! Are you a lover or were you on a mission to poison me?"

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Everyone, listening in the gardens, sweatdropped.

"Ban-chan?" Ginji asked. "What was that about?"

"Beats me."

"I'm glad that Madoka isn't here to hear this." Shido said. "This would have hurt her virgin ears."

Kazuki sighed in defeat. "I told Jubei not to get involved with that scary guy. Akabane is nothing but a creepy pervert!"

"Are you jealous, Kazu?" Shido asked teasingly.

"Keep your mouth shut, Shido." Kazuki warned, holding up his thread bells.

"I rest my case." Shido said with a smirk before dodging a flying needle coming from the house.

After two hours, flying needles and knives stopped coming and the sound of the raging battle ceased. Deciding that it was safe now to return to the house, the gang re-entered the house and headed to the second floor to check on the couple.

There wasn't any sound coming from the room that Akabane and Jubei shared. The gang looked at each other, trying to decide who would be brave enough to open the door.

Taking a deep breath, Ban decided to do the honors. Followed closely by a frightened Ginji, Ban opened the door and peeked inside.

As soon as the door was opened, a needle and knife were thrown at them. Luckily, Ban was fast enough to close it before either weapon could make a hole in his head.

"Stay out." The two men yelled in union.

"Ok, they haven't killed each other yet." Ban said.

"Ban-chan…" Ginji said tearfully. "Until when could we keep up with this horror?"

"Don't worry, Gin-chan." Ban said with a smile. "Everything will be alright. Now, how about we go to our room?" he winked.

"Alright, Ban-chan!" Ginji said brightly, jumping with excitement as the two returned to their room.

"We better go away too." Shido said as he walked away followed by the rest of the gang.

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"AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" the scream filled the house in the middle of the night, waking up everyone else.

"What now, Jubei-kun?" Akabane asked with a sigh, looking down at the man beneath him.

"Stop thrusting, you damn blood sucking vampire." Jubei yelled. "Another damn knife cut through my ass…AGAIN!"

"But Jubei-kun, don't you like it that way?"

"If my hands weren't tied to the bed, you creepy pervert, I would have strangled you to death."

"But your hands are tied, Jubei-kun." Akabane said with a creepy smile, unleashing his hand knives. "This means, I'm free to do with you whatever I please."

"TWISTED PERVRT!"

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In the next-door room…

"Ban-chan!" Ginji whimpered, hiding his face under the covers. "I can't sleep."

"Why?" Ban asked coolly as he stood near the window, lighting a cigarette.

"Lots of hideous images are passing in front of my eyes." Ginji whimpered. "I can't get Akabane-san's images out my head!"

"So am I!" Ban murmured to himself.

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Meanwhile, in Kazuki's room…

"Oh, Jubei!" Kazuki whispered as he looked at the stars out of his window. "Why are you torturing me like that? Oh, Jubei, what have I done to deserve this punishment?" tears slid silently down his cheeks.

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"Shido..." Madoka said softly, looking at the man sitting across the bed.

"Yes, Madoka?" he replied.

"Maybe we should try to do it tomorrow instead, ne?"

"Hai." He said defeatedly; a single tear fell down his cheek.

Damn those blood-loving perverts!

The END

P.S. The author and her friends declare that they are clueless about the origin of the knife and they are not responsible for any misunderstanding regarding this matter. Any suggestions from the readers would be most welcomed…