Killing Me Softly

An odd title to say the least. I was listening to oldies (yeah, I'm an oldies geek ) and I heard a song I never heard before: "Killing Me Softly" It's about a woman in love with a man who's enrapturing her by his words and "killing her softly with his song". I thought this would be an apt title for this story, most particularly with BlackRose. This writing style is somewhat new for me, and I have to thank Matthew Stover for reawakening the will within me. I apologize, but I'm making BlackRose a bit out of character, but since we don't get a too in depth character analysis from the game, I feel that I have a little, er, space for my interpretation. I hope people will like it. Even a little. Please don't flame me for what ensues with BlackRose. Constructive criticism is very helpful. I am rather rusty. ''

Disclaimer: I own nothing of the dotHack series or their characters. :-)

Synopsis: First part of a three chapter story dealing with BlackRose, Kite and their feelings for each other. Rated for slight language, slight innuendoes and mild sadistic undertones. I started writing this towards the end of Part 2, so let's just pretend this happens before the whole BR/Kite mush at the beginning of Part 3, okay? ;-)

Dedication: BlackRose/Kite fans and those who have fallen in love and experienced pain.

There are weird things in life. Blunt but true. Like paradoxes. Ooh…paradoxes. Come to think of it, irony too. In a sense, light and dark. Just a little bit of light can penetrate darkness whereas an abundance of darkness can snuff out light. How odd is it that such two different things can be so parallel? Light and dark, black and white, and the recent revelation, death and love. Love is death. Oh, God, love is death, the worst kind of pain and torment there ever was or will be.

Of course it makes no sense. What does? Love means different things to different people. Love for the inscrutable BlackRose is indeed death. The demise of everything BlackRose—the fiery Heavy Blade, the façade of bravery, the hopeless love-lorn girl. Ugh. Death. Death death death death. Kite Kite Kite Kite. Just look at what Kite has done. He has single-handedly killed BlackRose and everything she was and once stood for. The BlackRose now is nothing but a transparent shell of what once was. Everything is nothing. Yet, death is a funny thing. Death is all past tense, whereas love isn't constricted to what has been, but also what is and what will be. Does this mean that BlackRose isn't truly gone? Different, yes, vastly different from before, but perhaps BlackRose still lives. Somewhere, deep down, BlackRose is fuming at this affliction, this, this, intrusion in her mission.

It's all for Kazu. BlackRose must save Kazu. BlackRose must slay that demon which incapacitated Kazu. It is not a question of if or how but when. When will BlackRose exact her revenge? Unleash her fury? She has a plethora of fury welling in the depths of her soul, positively brimming to the core. BlackRose is so close to her goal, yet something is stopping her. It's death. It's love. It's Kite.

What sort of spell does Kite hold over BlackRose? Could it be those eyes? Those horrible eyes. Possibly. God knows that looking into the eyes of Kite could be anyone's undoing. It's like staring into the eyes of…of…Eeyore, like he just lost his tail into the bowels of Dante's Hells and no one will help him, again. No, worse. Like, like a baby Eeyore that's screaming "Hug me." Ugh. The over-whelming heartsy, cutesy feelings are just so much it brings vomit. No, that can only bring about irrational thought and drunken stupidity. Not the death of love. The eyes can't possibly turn the valiant BlackRose into a simpering fool, leaping forward to dice a Harpy in such a ghastly manner, it jars Kite out of his charm status, or to greedily hound his every move, or to mercilessly beat upon all female opponents for his affections or to put her revenge for Kazu on hold. All for Kite. Everything for Kite.

Oh, Kite, of course. BlackRose will most definitely Rai Don that surreptitious bastard that feebly clawed at you. Kite, how could you possibly doubt that BlackRose would deplete her supply of Antidotes and her SP just to Ole Repth you to the stunning perfection that you are? Would BlackRose fluff those little earflaps for you? Of course BlackRose would put them back into their dainty position. Give you all the best equipment she spent the past twenty hours straight scavenging for just to hear a simple "Thanks"? Of course.

Perhaps…no no no. It couldn't possibly be? Kite is incredibly strong, what with the bracelet at his beck and call. Could the reason be that BlackRose was weak? That she needs Kite? That BlackRose couldn't possibly rescue Kazu, her Kazu, without the help of the near-omniscient Kite? The very thought is sickening. In the beginning, BlackRose was a shadow of what she is now. No, BlackRose is nowhere near weak. Never. Impossible. BlackRose can decimate anything in her path. Anyone or anything.

It is infuriating. Why must BlackRose cower in the shadow of what she feels? There was a time when BlackRose feared nothing, when BlackRose did as she pleased, but now, now the love has killed BlackRose. Yes, slowly, bit by bit, BlackRose has been consumed by the furnace of her heart. BlackRose wants to run, run far, far away, away from The World, from Kite, from the death, from herself. That is what a child would do. When they face a situation that they can't possibly fathom, when the pleasant dream is over and the terrifying reality beckons instead, they run away. Like a child. BlackRose is like a child. BlackRose is scared. BlackRose cannot face Kite. BlackRose cannot face Kazu. BlackRose cannot face the demon that started it all. BlackRose cannot face herself.

The demon was inside BlackRose all along. Yes, the demon has been feasting on BlackRose all along. It is eating at everything BlackRose, until it starts upon BlackRose herself. There are bags under eyes, a sort of fatigue eating away at the body, silent misery lurking behind the eyes. Indeed, the demon is eating BlackRose piece by piece. That's not the worst part. The demon is BlackRose. BlackRose is killing herself. BlackRose is killing herself by letting these feelings and thoughts cloud her mind, her purpose, her mission, her destiny. BlackRose must bring back Kazu, even if it kills her. Only then can BlackRose obliterate the demon that is herself, destroy the weakness that has now turned her into the blubbering mass that is both pathetic and piteous. How painful. How tragic. How like love. BlackRose's love and tolerance of love is killing her. This ethereal substance that is deliriously close to finally eradicating her very being must be stopped.

BlackRose must kill this love. It is impairing every aspect of her being. But how? The demon is so strong now…BlackRose cannot kill Kite. No. As painful as it is to accept, BlackRose is nowhere near able to even displace a single hair beneath that orange flop of a hat. No, BlackRose keeps forgetting the demon is BlackRose herself. These thoughts and feelings are even induced by her own self. What must BlackRose do in order to wipe these feelings from existence? BlackRose must give in to the other feelings, the darker feelings, the ones kept hidden since Kite gated in Mac Anu. Both newbies. How easy it was then to mask her obsequious tendencies. BlackRose must allow those feelings to be put away now.

It was easier than thought. The love was fresh, just ripe for slaughter. BlackRose marveled how easy it was to twist love into a mockery of all that it was before. Ha. How puny it was, what little fight there was in it. BlackRose could still feel it lurking around in the bowels of her heart, most likely near the ventricles. It is like a poison, spewing all of itself into every stream of blood in the entire body. This was the drawback. BlackRose had taken the easy way. BlackRose had simply manipulated the love inside of her. Yes, that was why it was so easy, and that is why it is still a threat. Not a very likely threat, but one nonetheless. It skulked everywhere, just waiting for the opportune moment to lunge forward and overtake her again. But BlackRose would not let love consume her again. No, BlackRose had a mission. She must wreak revenge, must hate. BlackRose needed something to fuel the fires of her hatred, her lust for the death that nearly consumed her. BlackRose finally rid herself of love, but in the process unleashed an unhealthy desire for all that was not BlackRose to begin with.

BlackRose was ready to kill. BlackRose was like some lunatic thirsting for the thrill of darkness. BlackRose needed to obliterate. BlackRose needed to destroy every fiber of every being. BlackRose had to decimate all.

This is BlackRose. A champion of gallantry. One who excels in physical fulfillment. Who dreams of Wimbledon, who yearns for happiness. She is confused by something she has never felt before. In her confusion, BlackRose unleashes a door she never knew lurked within her, within every being. BlackRose has now become the very thing she has always despised and sworn to destroy and protect from: the very demon that hurt Kazu. The very thing that endangered everything she once cherished. And none shall feel its fury more so than the one that truly cares: Kite.