DISCLAIMER: Still not mine.

DEDICATION: You, thanks for reading this story. I'd love a short review even just to say "yay" or "thanks" or "hi". I like knowing people enjoy reading this old thing, it's the only reason I'm posting at this point ha ha ;)

It Falls to the Young, The Last Chapter:

It's the Last Chapter, Just Like I Said. Don't You Trust Me?

Severus: Hello. Welcome to the last chapter. First off, I'd like to inform you that I am in no way responsible for any of the insanity contained within. If you experience anything unbearably idiotic in these next few minutes, please sue Sirius. Not me.

Sirius: Hey! Don't get all arrogant on us—you got a freakin 50 chapter story, we get the last say!

James: Ditto.

Remus: And so, we present our first exhibit—

Severus: Unfortunately.

Remus: —Why It's A Bad Idea To Let Sirius And James Be Your Betas.

Severus: Also known as—what is the muggle term? Fwoopers?

Remus: Bloopers.

Severus: Ah, yes. Bloopers.

James: *Passes out popcorn* Watch out for Monty Python and Douglas Adams. Have to love us British chaps, what?

Sirius: *chuckles evilly and starts projector*

The gargoyle leapt aside, granting Severus access to the Headmaster's quarters. He rode upwards on the ever-spiraling staircase until he reached a gleaming oak door. Before he could knock the door swung open silently, revealing the Headmaster and the Dark Lord, sitting on opposite ends of Dumbledore's claw-toed desk and sending each other murderous glares over the Connect-Four board.

Severus decided to come back later.

Thou shall not arrive later than Goyle—and he's always late! If you're even later that is pathetic!

Thou shall not arrive covered in slime, gum, silly-putty, magi-glue, Neosporin or any other liquid!

Thou shall not arrive without the cookies you were told to bake—what? Raisins!? CRUCIO!

Thou shall not arrive without your wand. Let's face it, all jokes aside that's just stupid.

Thou shall not melt books belonging to Lord Voldemort. My grandma gave me that encyclopedia, you worthless, inconsiderate brat! CRUCIO!

And thou shall most certainly not give those tree-hugging imbeciles ANY reason whatsoever to suspect that you have a secret identity! Change in the phone booths, not the bathroom, you—WAIT! This is the wrong list! WORMTAIL!

"A Legilimens," McGonagall answered, slipping into her lecturing tone, "is a witch or wizard who practices Legilimency, that is, the art of what muggles call mind reading—"

"Minerva!" Moody interrupted. "Legilimency is certainly not mind reading. It is the ability to acquire knowledge of another's feelings and memories, the ability to know when someone is lying..."

"YOU aren't a teacher! What do you know about explaining—"

"Yeah? Well, at least I don't spend half my time as a furry feline checking out all the toms in Diagon Alley! OW! OW! Hey, watch tha—Stupefy!"

"Impedimenta! How DARE you curse a lady, you soon-to-be-one-eyed-twitchy-bastard—"

"Obviously your definition of 'ladylike'—Rictusempra!—is more liberal than mine!"

"That's just like a man! Tarantallegra!"

The rest of the Order watched, amused, as the two pummeled each other. Sirius took the bets and the upshot of it all was that the Headmaster won fifteen galleons, two sickles and a knut when Professor McGonagall punched Moody in the nose and knocked him cold.

Lupin blinked, still looking nervous, so Severus continued: "Wait—you don't have to tell me your secret. I know. You're having a horribly torrid love affair with Gilroy Lockhart."

"They threw Severus in Azkaban," James said. Remus stared, openmouthed.

"But they wouldn't throw someone innocent in Azkaban!" Sirius protested.

Severus looked away first, and without further ado, Dumbledore plopped the Sorting Hat on his head. The room was silent for a moment. Then the hat's brim opened and spoke the words they'd been waiting to hear...

"I think you ought to know I'm feeling very depressed."

"We've gotten off-topic," Severus said. "Did you have any more questions, or is that enough to let you fake a through and comprehensive knowledge of demons?"

"One more," someone called. "Why does Umbridge hate you so much?"

Severus snorted.

"Because she hates half-bloods," James answered.

"Because she's evil," chimed in Remus and Lily.

"Because it's part of her secret plan to brainwash us all into mindless submission so she can lure us into her office one-by-one, sprinkle us with sugar and eat us alive because she's secretly a hag," said Sirius.

Severus groaned. James. I—don't—care—about—your—socks.

There was a moment of stunned silence.

"Merlin," Sirius swore. "No wonder you're so messed up."

James: *turns back on the lights* So? Was that great or what?

Remus: It seems anti-climatic, somehow.

Severus: I'd give it an "or what". Half of them weren't even funny—

Sirius: Who asked your opinion, fur face?

Severus: Muzzle mouth.

Sirius: Stupid cat.

Remus: Shut it, please. It's time for exhibit two...

James: DELETED SCENES! YEAH!

James & Sirius: *victory dance*

Severus: *sigh*

Nymphadora: Hey, Severus! What happens if you hit this button?

Severus & Remus & James & Sirius: No, wait! Don't—

"Hello! My name's Nymphadora Tonks and I am seven years old exactly. This is exhibit three, because I hit the wrong button!" Nymphadora laughed, jumped off her bed and pulled a scroll of parchment from under the mattress. "See? Here's the secrets. Wanna see?" She crawled back onto her bed and unrolled the parchment, securing one end with Kitty and the other with her pink-socked foot.

"Okay. Ahem. It says: Dear Reader—that's you!—you might've... noticed? Is that how you spell noticed? that the number forty-two showed up un—unusually?—often during this fic. This is a... tribute... to Douglas Adams, and if you don't know what I'm talking about, go read The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy."

A large copy of the book fell out of nowhere onto Nymphadora's bed. "Oh, look at the happy planet on the cover," she said, hefting the tome onto her lap with both hands. "I'll have to get Severus to read this to me... oh, yeah. Here's a list of places the number showed up:

IV: "Severus squinted through the pain and recognized it; Experiment Forty-Two for Dumbledore..."

V: "Ted, get a dose of 402 into him." –Andromeda, on healing Severus

XVIII: "He stopped at the last, pried it from the pile and flipped to page 42. There was a letter wedged between the pages, written with perfectly ordinary black ink on perfectly boring white parchment, which been delivered the previous evening by a perfectly mundane post owl."

XXIII: He threw on a slightly formal robe of dark green—noting with satisfaction that it did fit—pulled out his newly acquired book, and was sprawled on the bed reading page forty-two when Sirius finally emerged from the bathroom.

XXV & XXXIV: Forty-two percent was the original record on Albion's Quandary

XXVII: "—instructions are in your book, page two hundred and forty-two..."

XXXII: "Eventually James' watch read 5:42..."

XLII: "But you can tell him that the Aurors—those who aren't politically-minded gits—remember how many lives the information coded 4EIY2 saved." and "How Not to Get Yourself Killed: Forty-Two Easy Steps to Take"

"Wow, that's a lot. Look, there's more... It says that there're some 'inside jokes'—remind me to ask Daddy why the jokes have to be inside—it says... Oh! My babysitter, who I haven't seen for a long time because the Death Eaters got her—her name was Wendy. Like in Peter Pan. Get it?" Nymphadora laughed. "You get it, don't you, Kitty?"

Kitty got it.

"Oh, yeah—and... how do you pronounce this? Ari-star-chus? It says Aristarchus means 'severe critic' in Latin. Which works, 'cause he's the bloke who gave Severus the really hard test, you know. And... it says all the dates in the story work out exactly perfect, if you have enough time to make a chart—though I think that'd take way too long—except for October 30th, which is a Wednesday and a Thursday for some reason. And that's the end, right Kitty?"

Kitty thought so.

Sirius: Well, that was...

James: Interesting.

Severus: You did a great job, Nymphadora.

Nymphadora: Thanks. Will you read the book to me now, Severus?

Severus: *reads summary and blanches* Maybe when you're older.

Remus: You're off-topic. It's finally time for...

Sirius: BISCUITS!

*Mounds of biscuits fall from sky*

Severus: This is what I meant by "unbearably idiotic".

Nymphadora: Mmm, yummy.

James: *burps*

Sirius: Well, should we play the scenes then?

Remus: *sighs*

"Okay, finally some sense!" Remus smiled and dropped into the plush armchair before the Gryffindor common room fire. "This first scene is just a quick glimpse of Hogwarts from Nymphadora's perspective. It takes place shortly after their arrival..."

Nymphadora Tonks liked Hogwarts.

She liked the way Hogwarts smelled—like magic and cooking and grass and old books. She liked the way Hogwarts sounded—like the hoots of a hundred owls, the whisper of robes rustling, the clatter of feet on the stone floor... And she liked the people there, too: Mummy and Daddy, Professor Albus, Severus and Sirius and Remus and James...

But the most neato thing about Hogwarts was that you could see the sky in the Great Hall—with birds and everything!

Nymphadora was studying this phenomenon instead of eating her lunch, kicking her legs from side to side and humming contently to herself, when...

"But we'll never know what happens next!" Remus cried, dropping to the ground in the sort of agony only true devotees of literature can experience. Trinket appeared with some tea—laced with Calming Potion—and Remus recovered after the first few sips. "Ah, that's better. Sorry, I get a bit carried away. Ahem. This next scene is an excerpt from a very, very early draft, written over a year and a half before the final completion of the story. It takes place during our fourth year, when Severus has just been told by his father that You-Know-Who is out to kill us—that is, the Marauders—and that Wormtail is helping him do it. In this version, Severus is not already in Dumbledore's confidences. Which explains the internal agonizing." Remus dropped back into his chair and grabbed a box of popcorn. "Roll it!"

I promised myself I would if I ever got the chance... Here's my chance! Just go to Dumbledore, tell him the Dark Lord's plan in exchange for sanctuary.

He wouldn't believe me.

Yes he would! I could ask him to use Veritaserum on Pettigrew.

He's never believed me before—

This is different. This is important. This might be my one chance to get out of hell—am I just going to waste it!?

I heard what Father said. He said if I told...

That's exactly why I need Dumbledore! And this information is really important; he'll have to help me... He can protect me from Father...

I wish I was right but I don't think he'll believe me. It would be my word against Peter's, and I know he favors the Gryffindors...

But I have to do SOMETHING! Am I just going to let Potter and Black and Lupin die!? I'd be as bad as a Death Eater!

But I hate them.

Sure, I hate them—but I've never wished them dead.

Severus sighed; he was right. He didn't know if that was fortunate or not—would Dumbledore believe him...? I'm going to try. At least now I'll be able to live with myself, even if Father kills me...

Suddenly he was sprawled across the ground, tripped by yet another tree root. The Forbidden Forest was really not a good place for thinking, at least not while running in the dark. Severus wished there was more light... Something crashed through a bush a few yards in front of him, and his wish was granted.

"Bloody—! Stupid tree roots! Lumos!" Light flared up from the ground where someone had tripped...

"Turn it off, Padfoot! You're going to get us caught!" The whiny tone of the voice instantly identified it as Pettigrew's... It's them—Merlin, they're here already?

"Oh shut up, Wormtail. Lumos," At Potter's voice another wand lit up. "This was your idea to begin with—and how are we supposed to find that watch of yours without any light?"

"You can't blame Wormtail completely. It didn't take much convincing to get you two in the forest after hours. Though I agree with Prongs—we could hardly find our own hands without light, let alone a watch... Lumos." Lupin raised his wand and began sweeping the light around his feet... What do I do now?

"Well, just be careful..."

"Wormtail! I don't think you need to be telling us to be careful. You're the one who lost some bloody watch in the Forbidden Forest—" All the lights were searching the ground now, moving closer and closer to Severus...

"Padfoot! That was my foot!"

"Sorry, Moony."

Lupin's light moved closer and closer; Severus held his breath, too scared to move... the light passed over his finger, his thumb... and stopped on his wrist.

"Aha! I FOUND IT!" Lupin declared triumphantly, just as Pettigrew shouted the same thing. They stared at each other a moment...

"We found two? Can I have the extra—if it works, I mean? Mine's still broken; it got all inky during that encounter with the giant squid..." Severus ignored Black's babbling; Lupin was inches away... As was inevitable, the werewolf's sharp eyes flickered to his face...

"SNAPE!?" Lupin stumbled backwards in shock, caught his foot on a root and promptly fell over.

Before his mind could catch up with his body Severus was on his feet, wand out and shouting, "Petrificus Totalus!" Pettigrew fell over immediately, but three more wands were pointed at him...

"Expelliarmus!"

"Reducto!"

"Rictusempra!"

Severus and his wand went flying in different directions—he was giggling uncontrollably; it felt so odd to laugh in such a solemn situation. He watched Lupin un-hex Pettigrew... Black and Potter were coming.

"What is a slimy, Slytherin snake like Snivellus doing out here this late at night?" Black leered down at him, wand still drawn... "Spying on us? Trying to get us in detention?"

"Petti—gre—he's—try—kill—you—Dark—kill—" Severus could hardly breathe, let alone talk coherently. This was so stupid, all of it... Bloody Gryffindors mess up everything.

"Did you understand that, Padfoot? Sounded like a murder confession. Has Snivellus been a naughty boy?"

"Maybe he has. Tell us more, Snivelly. Finite Incantatem."

"THE DARK LORD IS TRYING TO KILL YOU!" Severus shouted before they could change their minds and hex him again.

There was dead silence. Then Black burst out laughing as if he'd been hit with the Tickling Charm.

"Honestly, Snivellus. Why would the Dark Lord want to kill us? That is the stupidest—"

"Shut up, Padfoot." Potter was not laughing. He was gazing at Severus intensely, frowning... For a moment he thought there was hope after all. Surely Potter, son of an auror, knows enough to take the Dark Lord seriously...? "If you're joking, Snape, I'm going to—"

"Would anyone joke about something like this?"

"You would! You can't be trusted, you hate us all!" Pettigrew accused in his shrill, annoying voice, "If the Dark Lord's trying to kill us why would you attack me? Huh? Huh!?"

"Because you're HELPING HIM, you bloody—" Severus' eyes widened as he realized his mistake, but it was too late; Black and Potter's wands were at his throat.

"How dare you accuse Wormtail of working with You-Know-Who, you pathetic, stupid, ugly, nasty, greasy, smelly son of a—"

"Ouch. Language, Prongs," Remus scolded. "Here, have some Nymphadora vs. Umbridge action."

The hallway right outside the Hospital Wing, Nymphadora decided, was abso-positively-lutely perfect. A grin spread across her face as she surveyed the corridor—no one coming right, no one coming left—no one but her and Kitty and the bright orange ball clasped firmly in her right hand. She liked the ball a lot—Severus had bought it for her, in Zonko's—but after the first time she'd played with it, Mummy and Daddy had enacted the No-Perpetually-Bouncing-Balls-In-Our-Quarters rule. "Just because it broke a lamp and two pictures and knocked over the pitcher and spilled butterbeer everywhere," she complained to Kitty.

Kitty was sympathetic and agreed that this huge, empty corridor was a great place to play. So Nymphadora dropped the ball.

It bounced up and down and around, picking up speed as it darted overhead. Nymphadora shrieked with delight and clapped her hands, ducking and diving to avoid the streak of orange ricocheting off the stone. The ball had begun an elaborate series of maneuvers on the ceiling when a pink-cardiganed figure turned the corner. It's Toad Lady! Oh no! Nymphadora grabbed Kitty off the floor and raced towards the Hospital Wing's doors, hoping not to be spotted...

"What are you doing?"

Nymphadora cringed and turned towards the high-pitched voice. Toad Lady waddled forward, her lips pressed together tightly as she peered down at her.

"You shouldn't be in the corridors by yourself, young lady. I will certainly speak to your parents about this," she continued.

Nymphadora bit her lip. "But—"

"Don't interrupt! How rude young people can—" The rest of Toad Lady's sentence dissolved into a screech as the trusty orange ball ricocheted off the wall to collide with her forehead. Toad Lady fell to the floor, still shrieking; Nymphadora leapt at her and managed to snatch the ball from where it'd tangled in her ugly curls.

"AHH! Get off me, you insolent—"

The doors swung open and Mum peered down at the pile of Toad Lady, Nymphadora and Kitty.

"Do keep it down, Dolores," she huffed. "This is the Hospital Wing. Nymphadora, come inside, please."

Nymphadora darted around Mum's legs and ran across the room to the bed currently groaning under the weight of all four Marauders. She jumped up onto the duvet, scattering parchment everywhere as she crawled into Severus' lap and huddled close.

Severus frowned. "Nymphadora?"

"Toad Lady," she whispered.

James and Remus exchanged glances. Sirius narrowed his eyes. "Did you two do something without me?" he demanded, just as the double doors flew open again and Toad Lady marched into the room, followed by Mum.

"Dolores, honestly. They've been in here with Sirius since morning curfew—"

"I know who did it." Toad Lady's big ugly toad-head was only inches away. Nymphadora hid her face in Severus' robes. "You—you think it amusing to fill my desk with rotten gelatin?"

Yes, James acknowledged. Nymphadora bit her lip to stifle a giggle.

Mum sighed. "Dolores, I—"

"Disrespect for faculty members and the Ministry of Magic will not be tolerated," Toad Lady hissed.

"Dolores is absolutely right," Severus interrupted. "Mr. Potter and Mr. Lupin, detention. Actually, make that double detention. You too, Mr. Black.

Remus: And that's that. The End.

Nymphadora: Wait!

Severus: Why?

Nymphadora: Remember what happened when Sirius yelled 'biscuits'?

Sirius: We got biscuits. So?

James: Oh, I get it.

Remus: Get what?

Nymphadora: A HUNDRED MILLION CHOCOLATE FROGS!

Severus & Remus: Uh-oh.

*A hundred million chocolate frogs fall from sky*

James & Sirius: Wicked.

Severus: PADFOOT, YOU ARE A BAD INFLUENCE!

THE END.