Title: Childcare Isn't a Snap

Summary: Sparda has been left to look after his two sons. Unfortunately he seemed to think that it would be a lot easier than it turned out to be, so what's a demon to do? Read his sons a bedtime story of course! – One Shot

AN: This is my first DMC fanfic and I thought that it would be easiest to start off with a sickeningly cute story XD I apologise if anyone is OOC but I tried to adjust their character to suit how they would behave if they were kids.

Childcare was a snap. That was what Sparda had always believed, but then again he had been blessed with two children (both boys) that he rarely got to see because he had other responsibilities, such as keeping the demonic population down and ensuring that the gates of hell remained sealed. Unfortunately for him, this theory was being put to the test that night, as Eva, his beloved mortal wife, had decided that she needed a break and had gone out with friends.

Of course, he had attempted to protest, but it then became apparent that his two well-behaved sons had managed to scare off every babysitter in the whole city. Unfortunately, Sparda had not been informed of this until he had suggested to his wife that they hire one, approximately five minutes before she had gone out with her friends.

At the moment, Sparda was relaxing in his favourite antique chair, reading the daily newspaper and taking an occasional sip from his cup of tea. He was content with the fact that his children were playing happily in the next room and were generally keeping out of trouble.

Unfortunately, that was not the case. It seemed that the boys had gotten too involved in their game and they were currently, very successfully trashing the next room. The new game that the twins had created was the rather simply named 'knife fight' where they basically threw knives at each other. Each twin had a certain amount of knives that they attempted to throw at the other. The scoring went as follows:

100 points for the head.

70 points for the wrists and shins.

50 points for the shoulder.

10 points for the torso and back.

5 points for the thighs.

Crotch shots had been banned of course. Currently, Vergil was winning which his slightly younger brother was not too pleased about. Without warning the sound of a window shattering could be heard as one of the knifes hit the already cracked window. Moments later the sound of a knife making contact with someone's skull, following by much yelling and swearing that no seven-year-old should have known echoed throughout the cavernous manor.

"Your so bad at this!" The slightly older twin exclaimed as he waited for his brother to recover. His hair fell around his face softly yet not a strand of it was out of place despite their hyperactive actions.

"Am not!" The younger twin protested, pouting a little as he pulled the knife out of his forehead and dropped it, blood trickling down the side of his head "Your cheating!" He exclaimed, pointing at him wildly.

"You can't cheat at this!" Vergil responded firmly before picking up one of the bloody knives on the floor. He had a few injuries himself although like his younger brother they did not seem to phase him in any way, shape or form. Narrowing his eyes as he took aim, he threw the knife.

Ducking at the last possible second, Dante scowled at him and picked up a knife, sprinting across the large room and throwing it. Unfortunately he missed and hit a rather large, expensive painting behind his older brother's head, causing it to fall off the wall and break. However, since they had been breaking stuff all day (or rather, since their mother had gone out) he did not really bother about it, merely trying to find another knife.

Unable to find another knife to throw, Vergil wisely retreated into the lounge, although he knew that his younger brother would follow him anyway.

Sparda looked up from his newspaper as the twins ran in and blinked as the knife Dante had been holding ended up embedded in his shoulder after his son had thrown it.

Sniggering lightly, Dante glanced at his brother "That's another 50 points, I'm in the lead!" He declared happily, running a hand through his messy white hair before freezing and remembering that he had gained those 50 points by hitting his father with a knife "Umm… sorry." He mumbled sheepishly.

"What have I told you boys about playing with knives?" Sparda demanded as he pulled the knife out of his head. He tended to simply let the boys do whatever they want, even if that meant that they trashed most of the house. He was not a disciplinarian and he did not want to be, simply because he did not have the heart to tell his twin sons off.

"He started it!" Dante whined, pointing at Vergil as he added "He stabbed me with a fork! I couldn't just sit back and let him get away with it!" He exclaimed before shooting his older brother a playful glare.

"Well you stole my pizza," Vergil responded, speaking in a much calmer manner although with the same level of immaturity as his (baby) brother "I had every right to stab you with that fork, the pizza slice was mine, I was saving it."

"Yeah well, I was hungry!" Dante answered before picking up the knife that he had accidentally thrown at his father, aiming it at his older brother and proceeding to stab him in the chest with it.

Vergil yelled out in pain before removing the knife and glaring at his brother, tackling him and repeatedly stabbing him with it.

Meanwhile, Sparda blinked. This had been what Eva had complained about for months, the heavy bickering that seemed to have possessed both brothers, however he felt that this particular problem was easy to solve "Well, then I'll just buy some more pizza," he offered before adding "Now, no more stabbing, otherwise I'll send you both to bed without any supper. Sooner or later your going to miss and hit your brother in the eye, that means both of you." Sometimes, he simply had to put his foot down, as much as he did not like to.

"You could send us to bed without a bath," Dante muttered sulkily, yelping as Vergil elbowed him in the ribs before letting out a low snarl and pouncing on him, beginning to tickle him.

Vergil attempted to hold back his laughter but unfortunately for him, his younger and (in his opinion) more immature brother knew exactly where his most ticklish spots were and he was soon in fits of laughter. Eventually he managed to squirm away from his younger brother and he promptly moved over to Sparda, abruptly climbing up and sitting on his knee, cuddling up to him happily "Have there been any more sightings?" He questioned softly after he had managed to calm down.

Before Sparda could even consider answering, Dante had climbed up onto his knee as well and scowled, firmly shoving Vergil and causing him to fall onto the floor before grinning proudly and relaxing on his father's knee.

Glaring at him and wiping the tears from his eyes (that had really hurt!) Vergil grabbed his younger brother's leg and grit his teeth as he roughly pulled him off, climbing back up onto Sparda's knee.

Deciding that it would be best to stop this before it escalated into a full-blown fight, Sparda offered "Why don't you boys go and play hide and seek?" This plan had two goals. One, to stop the twins from fighting, and two, to get the twins to leave him alone so he could finish reading his newspaper in peace.

However, Vergil did not seem to like that idea, cuddling up to Sparda even more "I'd rather stay here with you," he commented, relaxing against him, quite content to just sit there on his father's knee and read the newspaper with him.

Frowning thoughtfully, Sparda attempted to think of another suitable distraction for the boys that would give him a few more minutes of peace before he'd have to go out and get another pizza, not knowing that Eva was not particularly fond of the boys eating so much junk food "Why don't you go and play outside in the snow?"

"Snow?" Dante perked up at that, although upon noticing that his older brother had not reacted in the slightest, he pouted "I wanna' go play in the snow, lets play in the snow Vergil!" He promptly whacked him on the head, folding his arms and scowling.

"…nah." Vergil responded, looking pretty much half-asleep even though Dante had hit him on the head, however he soon found himself on the floor when his slightly younger brother yanked him off by the ankle before running off outside.

Scowling, Vergil promptly ran out of the room and opened the closet under the stairs, spotting his father's precious Yamato katana sword, he smiled to himself and picked it up before running outside after his brother. Usually he knew better than to play with his father's swords, but Dante needed to be taught a lesson.

Allowing the sheathe to fall in the snow, he held Yamato in front of him and grinned happily before hiding it behind his back (although because he was short, the blade was visible behind his head) and he crept up on his little brother, firmly whacking him on the head with the flat end of the sword.

Yelping in pain, Dante rubbed his head and turned around before pointing at Vergil and grinning "I'm gonna' tell on you! Your not supposed to play with father's swords!"

"I'm not playing with it," Vergil responded firmly, hitting him on the head with it again "I'm teaching you a lesson with it!"

Scowling, Dante ran back inside, leaving a trail of snow behind. Moments later he returned, practically dragging the very large, heavy sword behind him "Yeah well … I can teach you a lesson too!" He exclaimed before grunting as he attempted to lift the sword, finding that he could not.

"Your bleeding on the snow," Vergil commented smoothly, pointing at the blood that had dripped onto the snow from his head injury "Tch, your making such a mess!"

Dante scowled "Yeah well, it was your fault for hitting me in the head with a knife!" He exclaimed, shoving his older brother roughly and pulling his hair at the same time "And it was your fault for throwing a plate at me!"

"You started it when you threw the salt shaker at me," Vergil argued, poking him in the chest before shoving him down into the snow "You deserved what you got!"

"Yeah, well if you hadn't have tripped me up, I wouldn't have had to get you back by throwing the salt shaker at you!" Dante exclaimed "You started it and I wont let you finish it, you deserve whatever you get because you're a mean big brother!" Grabbing fistfuls of snow, he began to stuff it down Vergil's top.

Yelping at the cold, Vergil pulled away and began to shiver just as Sparda came outside. Sighing at the sight of both boys, who were covered with their fair share of dirt and blood, he picked them both up "Look at you both, your filthy," he commented, carrying them into the bathroom and locking the door before he turned on the taps "You two are going to have a bath, then your going to bed."

"But what about supper?" Dante questioned, pouting at the thought of missing out on extra helpings of pizza.

Sparda sighed, whilst he knew that the boys did not deserve supper in the slightest, he didn't have the heart to deny it them, especially when Dante looked so adorable "Fine, you can have supper, but it will have to be quick." Picking up both boys once they had finished undressing, he dropped them into the bath.

Vergil yelped and moved as far from his father and brother as possible, still shivering softly. Sparda grabbed the shampoo and began to massage it into the older brother's wet hair, ignoring his protests. Soon, he was sat in the corner of the bathtub, sulking with lathered shampoo in his hair.

Whilst all of this had been going on, Dante had been attempting to escape the bathroom, although he had been unable to dislodge the lock on the door and soon Sparda had scooped him up and put him back into the bathtub. After both boys hair had been washed and conditioned, Sparda turned his back to them so he could fetch the towels that had been heating up on the radiator.

Suddenly grinning as he glanced at his older brother, Dante began to splash him, causing Vergil to shield his face and yelp. Letting out a soft groan, Sparda turned around again. Whilst he hated disciplining his boys, he had to stop them fighting … somehow "Stop it Dante or you wont get any pizza … okay that's a lie, you will get pizza, but your brother will get more pizza!"

"…I'm not that hungry," Vergil responded after a moment, wiping the soapy water out of his eyes and blinking at his father cutely "I feel quite sleepy." He admitted.

Mentally groaning as yet another plan to calm the boys down bit the dust, Sparda lifted Vergil out of the bathtub and wrapped a towel around him, beginning to gently dry him off whilst Dante began to play with a rubber duck.

Laughing softly, Vergil cuddled his father after a moment before slipping on his pyjama bottoms. Meanwhile, Sparda wrestled Dante out of the bathtub and into a warm towel, roughly drying him since he was not as cooperative as his older brother.

Buttoning his pyjama top, Vergil padded into his bedroom and climbed into bed after grabbing one of the gothic hardback books from the shelf (he had to climb up it to reach of course) opening the book at where the bookmark had been placed, he waited patiently for his father and Dante.

When Sparda finally strode into the room with Dante tucked under his arm, he smiled over at Vergil before tucking Dante into the other bed. After having a firm discussion with him he had managed to calm him down. Sitting on the chair that had been placed between the beds, he took the book from Vergil and began to read. At some point during the chapter, the twins had climbed up onto his lap and cuddled up to him.

Once he had finished reading the chapter aloud to them, he put the bookmark back in and put the book to one side. Vergil got out of his lap as he stood up and tucked Dante into bed before he turned to the elder twin and picked him up, kissing him on the forehead lovingly before tucking him into bed too.

Alas, that one mistake would cost him dearly and as he said "Goodnight." And left the room, both boys sat up.

Vergil smiled happily "I told you he loved me more."

Dante pouted "He does not! He loves me more! That's why he said I could have Rebellion!"

"I don't want Rebellion," Vergil answered sourly "I want Yamato because it is clearly father's favourite," he paused briefly "And he does love me more. He gave me a kiss but he didn't give one to you."

Scowling, Dante climbed out of bed and knelt on the floor, rummaging around under the bed for a moment before grinning and turning to face him, holding up a pistol in his tiny hands and pulling the trigger.

Blood splattered on the wall behind as the bullet went straight through Vergil's forehead. Blinking for a moment, the elder brother looked rather shocked for a moment before he let out a loud yell and lunged at Dante, tackling him and beginning to pummel him "You shot me in the head! I can't believe you shot me in the head! I hate you!"

Outside their room, Sparda had heard the gunshot and mentally groaned before turning his back on the room and striding back into the lounge, hoping that both boys would tire themselves out before Eva could get home.

All in all, it had been an incredibly tiring night for Sparda, which was probably why he was fast asleep in his favourite armchair with his newspaper open in his lap, still on the same page it had been when he had been distracted. Eva smiled at him lovingly and gently placed a blanket over him, tucking in the edges before silently wandering upstairs to check on her boys.

The twins were sound asleep, cuddled up to each other on the floor. Vergil had a bullet wound on his head that had stopped bleeding some hours ago and Dante was covered in bruises. Cuddled up together, they looked so adorable that Eva could not help but smile. Taking the blanket from Vergil's bed and both their pillows, she wrapped the blanket around them and gently eased the pillows under their heads before kissing them both on the forehead and slipping out of the room.

And that night, the Sparda household was silent.