Author's note.

This is my first Songfic. I just heard Seven's story in it and couldn't help but want to write it. I didn't see it ending like it did, but it did, so… sorry?

And the song is not mine, nor will it ever be mine.

I've been on my hands and knees
crawling towards eternity

They say I want for nothing, that I am just a machine. It is at those times that I feel a most dishonourable urge; it is at those times in which my discomfort heightens into something akin to pain. At those times, their words cause me to hurt.

Looking for the piece of me that always got away

It is not my fault that my emotions, my childhood, even my very soul was destroyed and violated by the Borg. By taking those things from me, I became one of them, I am Borg. And the closest thing I have to finding something like that piece of me that I know is missing, my supposed humanity, is something I can never have.

And I've been so afraid to stand my ground

I never try to take what I wish for, I never even thought it. It would be wrong, against everything that not only Captain Janeway attempts to teach me, but against everything the Borg has deemed relevant to me.

So I simply shut my mouth
close my eyes, bite my lip
and swallow every tear

Even when my cortical node was removed and my emotions regained, I knew I would be denied that piece of me. I would be denied because that piece was never mine to begin with. So when the hateful words strike my heart and cause me to wish I simply cease to exist, I swallow my emotions and replace it behind an emotionless mask.

I can't do anything

The doctor reassures me that I am functioning within normal parameters, that I am 'well on my way' to being human. But I doubt it. I cannot feel the very basis of humanity, I cannot feel at all. That which inhibited me is no longer an excuse, it was only an excuse to my current state. It is this drone's fault that she cannot feel.

I don't believe in anyone

They all distrust me. They believe that I would do something so human as to lie. I do not see the efficiency in such a venture. The truth is the only thing I speak, and yet, they discard my words as a lie. When I speak of the words of the crew against me, they disbelieve me and restrict me to the Cargo bay. Even Captain Janeway refuses to see what is directly under her nose.

I just feel sorry for myself all day long
all day long

So here I am entrapped, waiting for my shift to begin so I may leave the darkness of my realm. So I may begin another day in which I perform to the best of my abilities, in hopes that they realise the truth of my words. Another day in which I am denied the trust that is so key to any relationship, from friendship, to family, and most importantly, love.

Look inside my body baby

He removed part of my abdominal implant. It had begun to be rejected by my human systems, regardless that what is left of my digestive system is not enough to provide nourishment for my body. Another step towards humanity indeed. He will require further assistance in the removal of the rest of the implant, but why should I trust anyone else with this task?

see the twists and turns inside me

I had hoped the elusive part of me would become within my reach if I sought to fit in, when I reached to it in my hour of need before my emotional inhibitor was removed. But it still remains beyond my grasp, even though it was given a glimpse of something no one else did.

every blinding curve that drives you right around the bend

It is ironic that I have found the piece of me in the shape I did. Every word and my every action sends you into bouts of frustration and causes me to eventually become punished once again.

I know you're had it up to there with all my chaos and confusion

I thank the Omega molecule that you never realised that I am not who I seem to be. When the Son of K'vor claimed my mind, I was sure you'd figure it out. But it didn't. I know that all these times that I sought you out have frustrated and confused you, but they confuse me more.


I am living a delusion and I do not give a damn

Over time I developed the ability to lie. I never did so to those around me. No, to them, I remained as blunt as ever. I developed the ability to lie to myself. I refuse to face what I know to be true. I refuse to face that I actually could reclaim the part of me that I lost to the Borg all those years ago. But I lie to myself and say there is no way to regain it. I just let it continue to hate me even as I begin to feel something else.

I can't do anything
I don't need anybody else
I just feel sorry for myself
for myself
for myself
for myself

They still do not trust me, and ironically, I now find comfort in that. Their reaction are predictable. I do not have to guess at their motives, or of their reasoning. I know it is simple hatred, simple prejudice. It is better if it never changes.

Look into my heart and tell me I am a complete disaster

I did trust someone though. I trusted you. I trusted the other half of my regained soul. But I can never have that half, your hatred of me is clear. I no longer delude myself of that.

Wasn't that what you were after

Always thought it was

When I finally broke and fled Voyager back to the Borg, I assumed you would be happy that I was gone. I was surprised when you, of all people, helped rescue me. From the captain, I could predict, if only for her sense of guilt or morality, but you, never.

Wasn't I complete desire
filthy ash without the fire

I regret my one and only relationship. The Commander seemed like a logical choice, but he was not. He did not inspire any emotion from me nor any attraction. The match was simply that generated by longing of you, and since I could not have you, I turned to a substitute, only to find it incredibly lacking.

You could not have been much higher without some kind of drug

I heard after my attempt that there had been bets made on our relationship. Many claimed he used a form of hallucinogen to achieve a state of bliss usually easily achieved through what they called sex. I wish I could laugh at the notion, but I would not be surprised if he had.

I can't do anything
I don't believe in anyone
I just feel sorry for myself

For myself

I regret ever coming aboard Voyager.

I can't do anything
I don't need anybody else
I just feel sorry for myself
all day long

I regret ever attempting to regain a semblance of humanity.

I can't do anything
I don't believe in anyone
I just feel sorry for myself

For myself

I regret ever learning what it meant to feel, to wish, to want.

I can't do anything
I don't need anybody else
I just feel sorry for myself

I could never regret loving you. I do, however, regret that I will never reclaim the other half of my soul. I regret that I never gathered the courage to tell you of my love for you… B'Elanna Torres.

Fin

Song is Jann Arden's 'Sorry for Myself'

From her album 'Greatest Hurts'