House of Flying Kunai
Author: Chaos Valkyrie
First Conceptualized: April 2005
Posted One-Shot: December 24, 2005
Posted Revisions: August 1, 2006
Disclaimer: Same as last time.
Author's Note: All right, after a surprising (to me anyway) amount of popular demand, here's the equally (if not more) crude sequel to my first silly and crass one-shot!
Six months after Misao's visit to Tokyo, Kenshin's group, at the invitation of one concerned Okashira, traveled all the way to Kyoto to visit the Aoiya and its inhabitants. Yahiko, upon learning the nature of this visit, opted to stay behind at the dojo.
Misao met Kaoru and Megumi a half mile from the city, her eyes wide and a worried frown on her face.
"Has she gotten any better?" Kaoru asked, ignoring an embarrassed Kenshin who was shaking his head behind her. Sano snorted in amusement.
"No! She just hasn't been the same since that night…" Misao trailed off, unwilling to discuss the problem as they entered the busy streets of Kyoto. Misao hustled the Kenshin-gumi through the crowded streets to the fully renovated Aoiya. Once inside, she led the group to the Okashira's office and quickly shut the shoji behind them.
"She's still in mourning over the, ahem, 'loss of Hiko'," Misao crooked her fingers to emphasize her point. Kaoru shook her head as Megumi rolled her eyes.
"Doesn't she realize that we were only joking about that?" Megumi asked.
"Well," Omasu said, entering the room, "She claims she put a lot of thought into the whole theory, and now has convinced herself that it must be true."
"Oro!" Kenshin exclaimed, turning beet red. Sano grinned.
"So, she thinks Kenshin's blade, um, flips that way too," he asked with a smirk. He then gulped as Kenshin turned golden eyes towards him while the ladies snickered.
"Sano," Kenshin started in a deathly calm voice. Kenshin never had a chance to finish as Sano ran from the room, Kenshin following with sakabato drawn. Kaoru rolled her eyes.
"Should I go save Sano?" she asked resignedly, pulling out her bokken. Megumi glared at her.
"You'll do no such thing. I'll go," she said, grabbing the bokken and walking resolutely out the shoji. Misao and Omasu looked at Kaoru in confusion.
"Why is Megumi going? With your bokken?" Omasu asked. Kaoru grinned nervously.
"Um, maybe she just wants to protect her man?" she said before quickly changing the subject. "Hm, should we invite Hiko down to dinner, perhaps? Maybe set it up for him to prove to her that his sword is perfectly straight?"
Misao clapped her hands. "That's a perfect idea, Kaoru!" she cried, just as two loud "Oros!" were heard outside. Megumi reentered the room and handed Kaoru her bokken.
"That takes care of those two," she said with a smirk.
"Hey Megumi, Kaoru just had a great idea!" Misao said.
"Oro! Who knew the Fox could hit so hard?" Sano said, rubbing his head dazedly.
Kenshin nodded, his eyes reverted back to their pretty rurouni purple. "She packs quite a punch, that she does," Kenshin moaned.
Megumi suddenly appeared before them, and they both flinched back.
"List… up. The ladies… invite Hiko tom… night for dinner," was all they heard in their pain-filled confusion. "You… go up… mountain… NOW," she commanded, waving the bokken threateningly. The two men looked at each other and scrambled out of the Aoiya, running smack into Aoshi.
Aoshi merely looked at the battered pair and smirked. "I can't believe the mighty Battosai has been beaten by his woman yet again."
Kenshin frowned. "Actually, it was Miss Megumi this time, that it was."
Sano looked confused. "Yeah, why did Fox come after us? Usually that's Jou-chan's job." He looked to a now blushing Kenshin for an answer.
"Um, I don't know, that I don't. Now," Kenshin cleared his throat nervously, "What was Megumi saying about us inviting Hiko to dinner?"
Aoshi looked surprised. "Seijuro for dinner? That's the first I've heard of it."
Sano rubbed his head. "I think she said they wanted him for tonight? Kinda short notice, but we might as well go fetch him now," he shrugged, motioning for the other two to follow him. Aoshi merely shrugged and Kenshin stumbled along behind Sano.
Later that afternoon, the Aoiya decided to close early for business. Although a few stragglers remained inside, the business shut its doors to new customers as the ladies planned for Phase One of their "Intervention."
Grabbing some food, tea and sake, Misao, Megumi, Kaoru and Omasu approached the dining hall. A lone woman sat in a booth in the rear, calmly sipping her tea. Okon meanwhile was seated rather forlornly in another booth, absorbed in her own jug of sake.
"Okon," Kaoru began hesitantly, "May we join you?" Okon waved drunkenly at the other cushions nearby. The ladies sat down, looking at one another. Megumi finally took the reins.
"Okon, you do realize that we were only joking about Hiko a few months ago, correct?" she said sternly. Okon hiccoughed.
"Maybe at first. But the more I thought 'bout it, the more it made sense," she replied sadly. "Thas why he'd never come back after you all left," she slurred slowly, motioning to Kaoru and Megumi. "He'd only come to see Ke'shin, and not me!"
The other ladies shook their heads. "Okon, he's a hermit!" Kaoru exclaimed, smacking her hand on the table. "He never leaves the mountain because he can't stand most people!"
"See, he hates me!" Okon wailed, while Kaoru shook her head.
"Smooth, Kaoru," Megumi said while Kaoru glared at her. Misao tried a different approach.
"Well, look Okon, it was going to be a surprise, but we were going to bring Hiko-sama down tomorrow for a dinner to prove he isn't, well, you know." Okon's head shot up at this statement.
"What! Bring Hiko down tomorrow! Sano!" Kenshin whispered fiercely. "I thought you said that they wanted him tonight!"
"Heh, heh." Sano laughed sheepishly while Aoshi merely rolled his eyes.
Hiko snorted from behind the others. "Prove I'm not what, baka deshi?" he asked, a dangerous glint in his eyes. Kenshin paled; he knew what that look meant. If Hiko got any more annoyed, Kenshin's own abject humiliation was well and truly on its way.
"Heh, well," Kenshin began nervously, but fortunately Okon's exclamation from inside (momentarily) saved him.
"Hiko-sama! Here! I've got to get ready!" Okon declared, staggering to her feet. The other ladies pulled her back down.
"Not until tomorrow night, Okon," Omasu grinned. "You'll have plenty of time to get ready after you've sobered up."
"But first, we'll celebrate Kaoru and Megumi's arrival!" Misao declared, and began pouring the sake.
"So, Kaoru, is Kenshin on backwards?" Omasu asked, a devious glint in her eyes as she dredged up their last drinking conversation.
Megumi smirked. "Yes, Kaoru, do tell."
Kaoru glared at the foxy doctor. "You should know!"
Misao looked stunned, while Okon gasped, snorting sake out her nose. Omasu looked shocked, which might have been due to the fact that she had been sitting across from Okon. "Ew!"
Okon ignored her, and Misao was happy to see something of her old spirit return. "So, you two have an… um, open relationship, do you?"
Kaoru's eyes widened as Megumi smirked. "NO! Its, well…" she trailed off, picking at the ends of her kimono sleeves, her face fiery red. Misao, wide-eyed, pushed a sake dish towards her friend.
"C'mon, share, Kaoru," she grinned evilly.
Megumi screeched, pushing the dish away from Kaoru. "No sake for Kaoru!"
"Why not?" Misao asked, confused.
"She's got a bun in the oven." Megumi smirked. "Apparently, it's the only thing she can actually cook right!"
"Megumi!" Kaoru choked on her tea. It took a minute for the words to truly sink in for the other ladies.
"Kaoru! You and Kenshin are having a baby!" the women shrieked together.
Meanwhile, Kenshin's forehead was having painfully intimate relations with the wall outside.
"Why didn't you tell me you and Jou-chan were having a brat!" Sano asked, punching Kenshin good-naturedly in the shoulder and firmly ending his relationship with the wall.
Hiko eyed the former man-slayer appraisingly. "Well, it is good to know you're not drawing blanks, baka deshi. I was afraid that after that time you slid feet first into that thorn bush –"
"SHISHOU!" Kenshin screeched, falling over. Hiko grinned, and Kenshin did not like the evil look in his eye one bit.
"Just think, in another seven months, there'll be a little baby Battosai running around the dojo," Megumi sniffed, wiping imaginary tears away with her sleeve. Kaoru said nothing, her face a bright red as she calmly sipped her tea. Unfortunately, not only had Megumi already confiscated her bokken, but now she couldn't even have some sake to soften the humiliation.
"So I guess that answers that question," Misao mused.
"Well, one question. What about Aoshi, Misao? Does he have plenty to go around?" Kaoru teased her friend. Misao fell backwards.
"Oh great, now you've got them doing it, baka deshi." Hiko shook his head. "Now, would someone mind telling me exactly why I am here?"
"Um, well, it was the ladies' idea," Sano began, scratching the back of his neck in embarrassment.
Aoshi was slightly more to the point. "But apparently Sagara here thought they wanted you tonight, whereas we were supposed to invite you for tomorrow," he finished.
"And so you dragged me all the way down here, for nothing, to listen to some girlish gossip?" Hiko snorted. "I'm leaving."
"Sake, sensei?" Kenshin offered.
Hiko eyed the jug. "I can wait a little longer."
The women, meanwhile, continued their verbal assault on Misao.
"So, when will we get our next little Okashira, Misao?" Omasu teased. Misao downed her sake, pouring herself another one quickly.
"We haven't thought about that yet!" she exclaimed hotly.
"Yes, she just likes testing the sharpness of his blades," Megumi teased. Misao hiccoughed, hiding her face in embarrassment while the ladies cackled. A polite cough caused them to quiet down, turning to face the newcomer.
The woman from the rear booth stood by their table. She was dressed in an elegant kimono, but there was a devious glint in her eye as she addressed Kaoru.
"I'm sorry to interrupt, but did I hear you speak of Kenshin, the Battosai?" she asked calmly.
"Yes," Kaoru answered carefully.
"Oh! Why, my Hajime talks of him all the time!" the woman exclaimed, smiling.
"Hajime… as in…" Misao trailed off, eyes widening.
"I'm Tokio – Saito Hajime's wife," the woman replied, seating herself at their table.
"Oro!" Kenshin peeked into the room. "So he was telling the truth!"
Sano's eyes widened. "You mean to tell me that someone actually married that wolf?"
"What of it, ahou?" a familiar voice answered, blowing a puff of smoke in Sano's face.
Aoshi merely raised an eyebrow as Sano spluttered. "And why are you here, Saito?"
"I've come to collect my wife," the Wolf of Mibu replied, taking another drag from his cigarette. From behind him, Cho smirked at Sano.
"Problem, Rooster-head?" he drawled. Sano cracked his knuckles.
"There is now," Sano replied. Hiko held up his hand.
"Gentlemen, there is good sake to be drunk here. I suggest we just sit back and wait for the ladies to finish their conversation." He smirked at Kenshin's dubious glance. "Unless baka deshi here would like to interrupt them?"
Kenshin glanced at Sano and Aoshi, remembering Megumi's attack from earlier.
"Sake it is, then," he replied forlornly.
The women, on the other hand, had already become fast friends with the newcomer, who helped herself to some sake.
"So, Tokio, what's your husband's sword like?" Omasu grinned.
Tokio primly drank some of her sake. "Have you ever seen the Gatotsu?" she asked. Kaoru and Megumi looked at each other.
"Think about it," Tokio smiled a wolfish grin. Kaoru and Megumi both sweatdropped. The Aoiya ladies looked at them, puzzled.
"What's wrong? We've never seen it," Misao complained. Tokio grinned.
"My Hajime is an expert when it comes to deep, hard thrusts," Tokio grinned. "And trust me, I never have problems finding a cigarette afterwards."
The ladies laughed.
"More information than I needed," Sano moaned. Cho even nodded in agreement. Saito merely took a drag of his cigarette as leaned against the door jamb.
"My wife has no complaints," he smirked.
"But now I ask you, wasn't his new partner… um, Cho I believe is his name – wasn't he in the Juppongatana?"
The other ladies sweatdropped. "Cho is working for Saito?" Kaoru murmured.
"That almost seems like a fitting punishment… for both of them," Misao reasoned. Tokio grinned.
"They called him 'Sword Hunter Cho', in the Juppongatana. I remember his battle with Himura – he had all these different swords that he tried using against Kenshin." Misao giggled then.
"What's so funny?" Okon asked.
"Kenshin broke them all!" Megumi smirked at the implication as Misao laughed louder this time. "But his favorite one was the Hakujin!" Misao knocked back another sake, almost choking as she remembered this sword's particular trait.
"What is it now?" Kaoru asked curiously.
"The Hakujin was an extremely long, thin sword, almost like a steel whip," Misao explained, snorting.
"And that's funny why?" Omasu asked.
"Because it was his favorite – and it was long, limp, and extremely floppy!"
Cho veinpopped as Sano cackled madly. Saito smirked.
"You say he collected swords?" Tokio asked. Misao nodded. "You shouldn't laugh at him… he probably has an inferiority complex due to his… ah, floppiness."
"Sword envy," Okon stated wisely.
"So tell me more about the other Juppongatana. Who were the other members?" Tokio asked. "Hajime tells me little of his work."
"Well, let's see… there was Shishio Makoto, who was their leader," Kaoru began.
"His sword, well, wasn't it able to erupt in flames?" Okon mused. "Ouch."
"That's because of the saw edge," Kaoru stated. This just wasn't quite as much fun for her, being sober.
"Ah, ribbed for her pleasure," Tokio muttered wisely. Megumi snorted.
"I always wondered why Yumi stayed with him," Omasu quipped.
"Do your women always talk like this when they're together?" Cho drawled.
"Only when there's sake involved," Sano sighed. Aoshi was almost tempted to pour himself some sake, consequences of a low tolerance be hanged.
"Then there was Sojiro," Misao mused.
"Ah yes, the Heavenly Blade," Megumi stated wisely. "I wonder why more women didn't flock around him?"
"Probably because he was so fast. I mean, Kenshin may be quick-draw, but using that shukuchi for every attack, Sojiro must've been a quickie every time."
"Quick draw?" Saito asked, a wicked gleam in his eye. "At least my wife can't complain about that." Hiko grinned at Kenshin's irritation.
"Baka deshi, I thought I taught you better swordsmanship than that!" Hiko's smile faded as he watched the other's reactions to that statement.
"WHAT!" Sano spat out his mouthful of sake. Hiko shook his head.
"What a perfectly good waste of good sake," he grimaced, pouring himself another drink.
Kenshin wiped his forehead. "It's just a good thing the ladies didn't hear that, that it is," he mumbled. Hiko's eyes narrowed in suspicion.
"I'm not even touchin' Fuji," Okon slurred. "Just… whoa."
The others paused, looked at each another, and tossed back their sakes (and tea) as one.
"I'm not sure how much more of this I can listen to," Cho muttered, running a hand through his broom-like hair. "They're worse than men!"
The others merely nodded, helping themselves to more sake.
"And then you had Kamatari…" Misao shuddered.
"Kamatari?" Tokio asked. "I thought Kamatari was a woman?"
"Nope, she's a man. Ask Misao," Kaoru teased. Misao shot her a withering glare.
"Misao!" Megumi exclaimed in mock horror, "I didn't know you swung that way!" Misao spluttered as the others laughed.
"He flashed me! That sicko cross-dressing…" the rest of her words were lost in her drunken mumblings. Omasu grinned.
"Kamatari carried a very large scythe," she informed Tokio. Tokio tilted her head thoughtfully.
"Large, heavy and curved?" she asked. Misao spluttered, and Tokio grinned. "I guess I'm correct. Tell me, Misao, how did his scythe feel?"
Okon interrupted before Misao could answer. "He hit her with the ball and chain on the other end before she could find out."
"Ah, frontal and rear assaults; my, he was talented."
Misao fell over as the others laughed.
"As enjoyable as this has been," Hiko said dryly, "Why am I here?" he asked his reluctant pupil. Kenshin quailed under his annoyed gaze.
"It was Kaoru's idea. They wanted you to come down here to, ah," Kenshin danced away from the real reasons.
"See if any sparks flew between you and Okon," Sano finished. Kenshin nodded, ignoring Hiko's suspicious glare.
"As much as I shudder to think of you with children, that I do, I can't bear to make Kaoru unhappy." Kenshin sighed.
Hiko grinned evilly. "What? Of course she wouldn't complain – I raised you well enough, despite your chronic bedwetting –"
"Shishou!" Kenshin fell over, his face flaming red.
Hiko carried on as if nothing had happened. "– and that time with the mushrooms, when you mistook that thorn bush for an enemy – or a prostitute, still not sure about that one…"
Kenshin sat back up, his eyes amber. "Shishou, I'm warning you…" he threatened while Sano and Cho guffawed in the background.
Saito smirked. "I think I'm going to like you, Seijiro."
Misao was spluttering for a really good comeback. She couldn't think of one, however, so she had to make do with, "Well, at least he wasn't on backwards!"
Kaoru rolled her eyes. "Good one, Misao," she retorted.
But Misao was on a roll. "And at least he attacked women!"
Omasu, Kaoru, and Megumi glared at Misao as Okon began to wail again. A confused Tokio looked at her.
"Why is that so horrific?" she asked. Misao grinned.
"Because all of the other men only use their swords against men!" she declared.
"Including Aoshi," Megumi reminded. Misao flushed.
"Um…" she began before Okon wrested the sake away from her.
Tokio snorted. "I get it now. Because they only battle men, that means they're gay!"
"Not Hiko-sama!" Okon wailed once again.
It was Cho's turn to spit out his sake. "What! Now I'm floppy and gay!"
Sano laughed, ignoring the dangerous glares of both Hiko and Saito.
Kenshin moaned. "Why can't they leave this conversation alone," he mumbled before a hand shot out and grabbed his gi. He found himself staring into the burning eyes of his shishou.
"Now, Kenshin," Hiko began, and Kenshin knew he was in deep shit if his shishou was using his actual name, "Would you mind explaining to me exactly what all of this means?"
Saito said nothing, merely cracked his knuckles before punching Sano.
"Face it! Deep down they're all that way!" Okon wailed while the other women shook their heads.
"Great job, Misao," Megumi glared at the young Okashira. Misao had the grace to blush.
"Uh, sorry?" she offered. Tokio moved around the table to comfort Okon.
"Okon, I can assure you that our men, despite their battle preferences, are equally capable at using their swords on women," she stated. "Would Kaoru be pregnant otherwise?"
Okon sniffed forlornly. "Just because he reversed his blade," Omasu snorted at this, "Doesn't mean my Hiko-sama doesn't still swing that way. The whole time we battled the Juppongatana, he only came down at Kenshin's request!"
"Baka, he didn't even know you then," Misao reminded. Okon ignored this.
"And then when he was here, it was only because of Kenshin! He only ever had eyes for Kenshin!" Okon cried. "And then when Kenshin left, he never once came back! It was all because he loves Kenshin!"
Kaoru choked on her tea. Megumi grinned at her. She couldn't resist. "Uh-oh, Kaoru, looks like you've got competition!"
Hiko dropped his oro-ing pupil and glared at the shoji. "Oh, for the love of sake," Hiko muttered. Rising, he walked to the doorway and slammed the shoji back.
The ladies gasped, turning to see Hiko Seijuro there in all his glory. Well, perhaps not all his glory, as he was still fully clothed… but it was good enough for Okon.
"Hiko-sama," she hiccoughed, gazing at him with wide, teary eyes. "Tell me it isn't so."
Hiko snorted. "Despite what anyone may have told you to the contrary," he glared at the other women, "I don't touch other men. Sorry to disappoint you ladies." He walked over until he towered over Okon, who looked up at him starry-eyed. Of course, she then leaned too far back and toppled over, erupting into drunken giggles. Hiko sweatdropped.
"You're going to bed," he muttered, reaching down and picking her up. He glared at the other women's satisfied looks. "Alone." He ignored Okon's stuttering protests as he addressed the other women. "I am too skillful with my sword to take advantage of a helpless woman who can't appreciate it. Make sure she gets a good night's rest," he told them as he walked towards the living quarters of the Aoiya. He turned to look at them over his shoulder before he left the room. "She's going to need it. I'll be back to take her out tomorrow night."
The other women congratulated each other as he left the room.
"Of course, if he was there…" Kaoru began, nodding towards the entrance. The ladies nodded and walked over to doorway, giggling at the sight before them.
Kenshin was sitting on the floor, moaning about how "that was more information about his sensei than he needed." Aoshi was trying to hold back Sano, who had a black eye and was desperately trying to reach a now calm Saito. Cho merely glared at the ladies as they entered the doorway.
"I'm not floppy," he declared, and the women merely erupted into giggles.
"At least you can get your hair up," Megumi retorted, and Sano burst into laughter. Cho snorted and stormed out of the Aoiya.
"Oh, Hajime!" Tokio sauntered up to her husband. "I'm ready to go home now." Saito took one last drag from his cigarette before tossing it to the ground.
"And I hope you have plenty of cigarettes," she teased. Saito smirked as both Kenshin and Sano oro-ed and fell over.
"But of course, dear," he replied, taking her arm and leading her out of the Aoiya. Tokio winked at the other women before leaving.
"Sano, come," Megumi grabbed the former fighter-for-hire and drug him out of the room. The others sweatdropped.
"He's on a short leash, that he is," Kenshin mumbled. Kaoru blushed as she turned to the former and present Okashiras.
"I think we'll retire as well. Goodnight," she said, cradling her stomach as she and Kenshin left the room.
"So, Battosai's wife is expecting," Aoshi asked Misao. She blushed.
"Yes, I'm happy for them," she smiled, then faltered as she noticed the smirk on Aoshi's face.
"So, when do you want to start on that little Okashira?" he asked.
End Notes: Thanks to everyone who reviewed The Cutting Edge, for this story was for you! And double thanks for reviewing this story too! Also, if there are any typos, I'll fix 'em later… I'm too tired to go to the effort. Happy Holidays!