Chapter 1: Job Interview
Disclaimer: I own all characters in this story besides Chico.
(At a businessroom)
Mr. Devon: (with a thick German accent) No, I will not have it! Business is going significantly down, and your advertising campaigns are horrible!
Steve: But sir, it's not my fault that the people don't appreciate my talent for juggling fish!
Mr. Devon: I am sorry, but you are fired!
Steve: Please, sir, give me just one more chance. I promise I won't screw up again.
Mr. Devon: No! Now get!
Mr. Devon: (pushes button on the call machine) Secretary! Send up the man for the job interview!
Secretary: Certainly, sir.
(At the secretary's desk)
Secretary: Mr. Devon will see you now, sir.
Fondulini: Thatsa very good, thatsa very nice! Say, you're a nice-looking gal.
Secretary: Why, thank you, sir.
Fondulini; Say, whatsa that on-a the wall?
Secretary: Oh, this? Why, this is a plaque awarded to Mr. Devon for his outstanding skills in his field,
Fondulini: Say, I got-a the plaque right here.
(He opens his mouth and shows her one of his teeth.)
Secretary: No, an award.
Fondulini: Yes, like-a the King Artur. He had an award, Ex-a-calibur.
Secretary: No, sir. Not "sword." Award!
Fondulini: Oh, thatsa my mistake. So, how do I getta to the office?
Secretary: Take these stairs up to the fifth floor, and it's the fourth door on the right.
Fondulini: I'm-a sorry, but could you write-a the map?
Secretary: Sir, it's very simple. Walk up five flights and you'll see his name on the door.
Fondulini: Thatsa quincidence. I got-a the flight two weeks ago to Denver.
Secretary: (losing patience) Sir, please just walk upstairs and find the room!
Fondulini: You don't have-a to yell like-a that. If you were-a that clear before, then-a I could have-a been up there before we-a finished here.
(He leaves the secretary, who is completely baffled. Fondulini walks up the stairs and finds a door that says "Henri Q. Devon, Manager.")
Mr. Devon: Yes! Come in! Come in!
Fondulini: Hello, there!
Mr. Devon: Why, you must be the young man who called about the position!
Fondulini: Thatsa right, I want-a to work at the fish cart.
Mr. Devon: Well, business is quite low now, and I just want to ask you a few questions.
Fondulini: Sure, but-a first I just wanna know one thing?
Mr. Devon: What?
Fondulini: How much does-a the job pay?
Mr. Devon: Why, it pays about… $25 dollars a week.
Fondulini: Thatsa no good. You see, I gotta feed-a my wife and-a kids.
Mr. Devon: You have a wife and kids?
Fondulini: Thatsa correct. You see, my wife is a home-a-maker, so she makes-a the home. In fact, she made-a the whole home. She's a carpenter. Now-a my kids are much-a different than-a ordinary kids. They-a love-a to work.
Mr. Devon: But if your kids work, why do you need a job?
Fondulini: Well-a, you see, my kids work in-a school, but they no getta pay. They work-a very hard, but they no getta paid one cent. They do-a their homework, but the teacher no give-a them money.
Mr. Devon: (laughing) What makes you think the school would give them money?
Fondulini: Well-a, the other kids say that-a the teacher is-a pretty cheap, but my kids say that he's-a generous. If he's-a not cheap, then he should be paying-a my kids.
Mr. Devon: Aah, delightful. Now, to business. Mr. Fondulini, what qualities do you have that would make you an ideal fish vendor?
Fondulini: Well, you see, I used-a to sell fish eggs. Since-a fish eggs are-a more delicate than-a fish, then-a I would be perfect for-a the job.
Mr. Devon: What do you think would be a nice advertising campaign?
Fondulini: I don't know. But I do gotta da campaign in the head. You got asprin?
Mr. Devon: No, I don't have asprin.
Fondulini: Good, I don't need it. Whassa matta with you? You know if you give-a asprin to someone whosa no sick, then they could getta sick.
Mr. Devon: But I thought… Oh, never mind. What do you think would make a good motto for the stand?
Fondulini: A motto? Why, what's a motto with you?
Mr. Devon: No, a slogan!
Fondulini: Oh, a slogan. Well, what about "Two for a dollar"?
Mr. Devon: But we don't sell two for a dollar.
Fondulini: Thatsa all right. You see, we tell-a the customers that-a we sell two fish for a dollar, but then we tell-a them that-a we no gotta that kind of fish, but we can-a give-a them some better fish for-a da better price. But we just give them the same fish as always, and we make-a more money.
Mr. Devon: Could we really do that?
Fondulini: Of course we could do that.
Mr. Devon: But wouldn't that be lying?
Fondulini: Well, aren't there 'lying fish?
Mr. Devon: I think you mean flying fish.
Fondulini: Ah, you crazy. Fish no fly. If fish flied, the eagles would gulp-a them up every day.
Mr. Devon: (laughs) Well, I like you. You're hired.
Fondulini: Oh, thank-a you, boss. I won't let you down.