Chapter 2: The Fish Cart

(at the fish cart)

Mr. Devon: Now, Fondulini, this here is the fish cart. I need you to sell the fish on this fish cart and make me money.

Fondulini: Then whadda you need me for?

Mr. Devon: To sell the fish, of course!

Fondulini: Oh, sorry about that. You see, I was-a just thinking that-a perhaps you could-a do it yourself.

Mr. Devon: I can't do this myself, my good man. Fish is my health's Trojan Horse.

Fondulini: Yeah, my throat is-a horse too.

Mr. Devon: What? (coming out of his daze) Oh, never mind. I wish you to very best of luck, Fondulini.

Fondulini: You got it, boss. I no let-a you down.

Mr. Devon: Splendid!

(He walks off. A lady wearing silk furs walks by the cart.)

Fondulini: Hey, lady.

Rich Lady: Yes?

Fondulini: You wanna some fish?

Rich Lady: Um, no, my good sir. I do not like cod.

Fondulini: Thatsa all right. I-a no give you the cut, I give-a you the whole fish.

Rich Lady: What kind of fish do you have?

Fondulini: Well, letsa see. I gotta halibut, sturgeon…

Rich Lady: You have sturgeon?

Fondulini: No, I only go to him if I've gotta broken bones.

Rich Lady: Oh, never mind. Do you have… halibut?

Fondulini: No, but I gotta halibutton.

Rich Lady: Halibutton?

Fondulini: Yes, thatsa Dick Cheney's corporation.

Rich Lady: Who's Dick Cheney?

Fondulini: Never mind, what else-a you want?

Rich Lady: Do you have flounder?

Fondulini: Sure.

Rich Lady: Do you even know what a flounder is?

Fondulini: Sure. George Washington was-a the flounder of America.

Rich Lady: Oh, forget it. My husband prefers lox. The fish you have, is there lox?

Fondulini: Of course! I've got lox and lox of fish.

Rich Lady: You really are a pest, aren't you?

Fondulini: No, lady, I know-a nothing about pests. Birds live in-a pests, and fish live in-a the ocean.

Rich Lady: That is it! I have had it! I'm leaving!

Fondulini: Don't you wanna your fish?

Rich Lady: Oh!

(She leaves. A young man and a woman walk over to him.)

Young Man: Hello, sir. My wife and I are looking for some fresh fish to make for our block party.

Fondulini: This ain't-a no lox party! But we do gotta have some other fish.

Young Woman: Like what? Would you happen to have minnow?

Fondulini: Yep, I've gotta gin… oh!

Young Man: (looks confusedly at his wife) Well, perhaps one drink would be okay.

Fondulini: Okay, I gotta three bottles o' tonic.

Young Man: I thought you said you had gin.

Fondulini: Yeah.., gin and tonic! (laughs) Thatsa good one, eh?

Young Woman: Let's go, honey. We can go buy fish from the market downtown.

Fondulini: Okay, good-bye. I send over the lox tomorrow!

(They walk away, and a little boy comes over.)

Little Boy: Hi, mister.

Fondulini: You're a very little-a boy, I-a see. I'm not-a your mister, I'm not even-a your brother, I'm Fondulini, the fish man.

Little Boy: I'm sorry, Mr. Fetulini.

Fondulini: Eh, you crazy. Fetulini is that Italian-a noodles that are-a so soft and chewy.

Little Boy: Mr… Fondulini, my mommy wants me to get some fresh fish for the house.

Fondulini: Mice don't eat fish.

Little Boy: (giggling) No, not mouse, house!

Fondulini: Thatsa what I say.

Little Boy: Do you have trout?

Fondulini: I no trout. Itsa always better to-a smile then-a to trout.

Little Boy: You're funny, mister.

Fondulini: May I-a recommend some anchovies?

Little Boy: For what?

Fondulini: For-a pizza.

Little Boy: Mmm… pizza. But I can't. My mommy won't let me have pizza. She says it's too cheesy.

Fondulini: Kids-a toys are-a cheesy. Pizza's-a not that-a cheesy.

Little Boy: But it has cheese on it!

Fondulini: Hmm? Thatsa crazy. I make-a good pizza without any-a cheese.

Little Boy: Cheese makes pizza taste good! You're weird, mister.

(The little boy runs off. Fondulini receives a phone call.)

Fondulini: Hello. You've-a reached Fondulini, the fish man. Whadda you want?

Mr. Devon: Hello, Fondulini! How goes business?

Fondulini: Oh! Hello, boss! Itsa doing fine.

Mr. Devon: Splendid! I was just about to check my latest profits.

Fondulini: Cough it? Yeah, I'd cough it outta the window if I were you, boss.

Mr. Devon: Oh, charming as always, Mr. Fondulini!

Fondulini: Thank-a you, boss.

(They hang up.)

Mr. Devon: Now, let me see how much I'm making.

(He takes a file out of a cabinet.)

Mr. Devon: Good gracious! I'm losing money! (gets angry) Oh, that double-crossing idiot! I'll teach him to run me out of business!