If only

Disclaimer: I don't own anything to do with the show Supernatural, so don't sue.

Warnings: Intended for mature audiences only, no incest, but there is imagery of non-consensual sex and rape, as well as graphic violence and mayhem. Set post Asylum.

A/N's :Serious Sam abuse so be aware.Imade up acity at random so ifit actually exists then all events here are fiction and have nothing to do with the actual people who live there.

Please read and Review.

49 hours 22 minutes and 15 seconds that was how long Dean Winchester had been living in hell. 49 hours 22 minutes and 15 seconds since he realized his little brother was missing.

Dean sat on the edge of the motel room that he and Sam had been sharing in Baily, Indiana, trying to figure out what to do next. His head was clasped in his hands as his body shook from the silent sobs racking his body. Growling out loud just to hear the noise "Think damn it think! Someone in this entire fucking town had to have seen what happened to Sam on Friday night."

But as much as he wanted to deny it that was exactly what had happened. No one had seen what had happened to the younger Winchester brother after his fight with his brother. Not the bartender at the dive barDean had been playing cards in, not the desk clerk at this sleazy motel, no one at the 4 area hospitals he had been to. Dean was ready to give up and take his chances and file a missing persons report on his brother, knowing that he could very well get put away if he showed up claiming to be looking for the brother of a now dead wanted killer that happened to have his name and face.

This left him back at his string of If Only's the ones that were slowing driving him insane.

If only he had left when Sam asked instead of arguing with him

If only he had paid more attention to the time he spent playing poker in the back room

If only he hadn't been so drunk and pissed at the world that he had realized Sam's laptop was lying on the floorboards of the Impala.

If only he hadn't fell onto the bed and passed directly out when he returned to the motel not ever checking to see if anyone occurpied the other bed.

If only he had noticed the blood on the passenger window and door.

If only...

Instead he hadn't done any of that. Instead he decided to continue to punish his brother for shooting him by yet again throwing in his face that the reason they were in this dive was because of Sam shooting him, that they had to spend the money they had on the last motel they were in until Dean was well enough to travel. Reminding Sam yet again that he was the one providing for them and that maybe he wasn't the useless and pathetic one after all.

No Dean shook himself again, he remembered all too well what he had said to Sam when he came out of that back room between hands. Sam looked up from the laptop and the cup of coffee that sat next to him. Sam had been trying to do research on a cult in the area."How you doing?"

"Up some"

"How much? I 'm not really digging the vibe here. I'm not sure we'll make it out of here if you get too much out of them."

Dean's eyes turned mean and he glared at Sam. "We're not up enough to cover my little vacation Sammy, so you'll just need to watch my back, if you think you can handle it. Oh wait that's right you shot me so maybe I should just watch my own back and you can fuck off Sammy." The alcohol on Dean's breath wafting over Sam.

"You're drunk."

"Not nearly enough to forget Sammy, not nearly enough." Dean remembered that he only got madder with the hurt look in Sam's eyes the glow of unshed tears.

Grabbing Sam in anger he shook him hard once "No, Sammy, you don't get to be the victim in this one. You tried to kill me and I get to be the victim for once. See how it feels to be the one that all the blame is heaped on for once. See how you like it."

Dean could see the fire in Sam's eyes then saw it die away, Sam just shook his head in acknowledgement. The whiskey in Dean's system pushing him further than he intended. Ridiculing his brother, "That's right Sammy, this is all you...So sit your whiny ass down and putyour nose back that screenor better yet why don't you go back to the motel and see if you can not dream about your dead girlfriend for a change. As for me, I'm going to go finish playing poker.

As Dean turned and walked away Sam called out to him. "Dean.."

"Don't say it Sam, if you do I will knock your teeth out." And that was the last Dean had seen of his brother.

If only...It's a wonder what hindsight will show you.

Dean left the game at 2:30 am and headed for the car. His head still a little cloudy from the whiskey he had drank but more cloudy from the lack of sleep. Dean was dead tiredbut happy he had finished the night up $500.00 and might even have learned a something about this cult, how's that for being the pathetic one. He started up the impala happy to know that he was only a few minutes from his bed. His earlier fight with Sam a vague annoyance in the back of his mind. He knew in the morning he would need to apologize to Sam but right now Dean was too tired.

Dean pulled into the space in front of number 9 at the Drive –Inn motel and let himself into the room. He locked the door behind him and fell directly into bed. It briefly occurred to him that he hadn't heard Sam snoring but then sleep pulled him under and he thought no more.

Dean felt the call of nature just as the sky was starting to lighten. Staggering in the almost dark he answered the call and once finished walked back out to wake up Sam. As he stepped back towards the bed he realized the bed that Samshould've been occupying was empty, not only empty but unslept in.

Dean was instantly awake his heart in his throat. He opened the door to the motel hoping to catch sight of his brother outside by the car or in the parking lot. But he knew it was futile. That was when he noticed the dark smear on the passenger window. Dean was at the window instantly and reached out with a shaking hand to touch the window to see what was coating it. He then realized that the smear was on the inside of the window and that it had to be blood. Opening the door Dean dropped into the passenger seat his mind whirling. That was when he noticed the corner of the laptop sticking out from under the seat. Several drops of blood on the exposed corner. Shaking Dean touched the drops and found that they were still tacky, he now had no choice but admit that someone or something had his brother. The question became who.

Dean was startled from his thoughts by the cell phone ringing on the bed. Itbrought Dean's head up instantly all thoughts gone except one "Please be Sam" Looking at the phone it was a unidentified number. Dean answered on the second ring his heart in his throat. "Hello?"

"Mr. Winchester?"

"My name is Dean. Who's this?"

"This is Dr. Osbourne, I am with Parish County hospital, I work in the ER. We have a John Doe that was brought in during a police raid, your number was on the cell phone caller id. I was hoping you may be able to help us identify the young man."

"Sam, you have my brother." Dean was already moving towards the door keys in his free hand. Making it into the car without losing the phone and his only connection to his brother.

"I'm not sure if this man is your brother. There is no id with him only the phone. He has not regained consciousness so far. We are preparing to admit him."

"Where are you located."Dean demanded starting up the car and pulling out of the parking space.

"Hydesville off route 57."

"I know where it is. I'll be there in 20 minutes."

"Thank you Mr. Winchester, we'll be expecting you. Just tell the ER nurse who you are when you arrive."

Dean did not even consider the number of laws he might have broken in his 15 minute trip to the hospital. After parking his car in the lot and running through the sliding doors. Dean announced that he was looking for his brother. A young nurse came around the counter to escort him back when a page went over the intercom "We need security in exam room 3"

As Dean and the nurse entered the corridor he could see two middle aged men heading into a room mid way down the hall. A few moments later one of them came back out with a half naked man wrapped around his middle. The security guard was doing his best to keep a hold of the man who was fighting to get free. A burly orderly came out with a syringe yelling. "Hold him still so I can sedate him, I don't want him to hurt himself."

"I'm trying but this kid isn't really cooperating." The two men continued to struggle with the skinny man and as Dean closed the distance he realized that he knew who the man was. His heart dropped to his stomach.

"Sammy!" Dean yelled.

The sound of his brothers voice snapped Sam's head up causing him to freeze. The orderly slammed the needle into Sam's arm as he bucked in pain and let out a howl. "No!"

Dean moved instantly the orderly hit the other wall as Dean pulled him off his brother, throwing the half depressed syringe onto the ground. He wrapped his arms around his brother and pulled him off the security guard, letting his brother fight him while he stuggles slowed.

Sam wanted to fight but his body was betraying him yet again. He needed to see Dean and tell him that he was sorry. He had thought he had heard his voice but he couldn't make his eyes focus enough tobe sure.He couldn't close his eyes because he would find that he hadn't really gotten away and he never would.

Dean's heart broke as his brother started to moan, "No, no no... please...stop...I need my brother...sorry...Dean.."

Sam's legs wouldn't hold him any longer the adreneline fading quickly being replaced by the sedative pushed into his system. Dean lowered the two of them to the floor his arms cradling Sam. "Shhh Sammy it's okay now, I'm here"

"Dean?"Sam barely got out words slurring hope and despair mingling in that one word.

"I've got you Sammy, no one can hurt you." Trusting in the voice he heard he succumbed to the dark.

The world came back in to sharp focus as Sam stilled in Deans arms. The orderly that Dean had pushed off his brother was now kneeling next to him. Several other people were starting to crowd around. Firm hands tried to remove Sam from his grasp but he was unwilling to release him. He knew someone was speaking to him but the words were not processing yet.

A woman's hand gently grasped Dean's jaw and turned his face to her. "Mr. Winchester? I need you to let go of your brother so we can get him back into bed." When the request did not merit a response she tried again remembering the man's first name."Dean, let us help your brother...please."

Dr. Osbourne could see the light come on behind his eyes. Dean blinked and then lessened his grasp on Sam's slumbering form. As the orderlies gently picked up their patient and moved him back into the exam room Dean stood to follow. As gently as she could she barred the path into the room. She saw the immediate flicker of rage behind those eyes when he fixed her with a glare.

"I want to see my brother."

"I understand that Mr. Winchester. But first we need to get him settled back into bed and then upstairs to a room. There is an officer waiting to speak with you. Once you are finished talking to him you can join your brother up in his room."

"Sam, his name is Sam. What happened to him?"

"Dean, I can give you his current medical condition but I can't answer as to how he came here. I am sure deputy Roberts can fill you in." She finished pointing towards a middle aged man wearing a uniform.

Dr. Osbourne could still see the panic in Dean's eyes and wanted to give him something to reassure him. "Your brother is in stable condition and should be sleeping for a couple of hours now. None of his injuries are life threatening, you should both be up in his room before he ever wakes up."

Dean nodded his head and turned towards the officer, vaguely aware that the doctor was walking with him. "Tom, this is Dean Winchester, Dean this is deputy Tom Roberts he is the one who found your brother."

"I'm sorry to have to meet you on such an occasion. Please call me Tom. I know this is rough but I need to ask a couple of questions of you and I am sure you have some for me." the deptuy said offering his hand in greeting. The man could feel the need to know radiating off of Dean and steeled himself for answers he was going to have to provide.

Dean took the man's hand automatically shaking with out thought. "What happened?" Dean asked

"When was the last time that you had contact with your brother?" Tom started skipping Dean's question for the moment.

"Friday night, around 10:30."

"Where were you?"

"A bar called Redcliff, I was ..." Dean dropped off not really wanting to tell him what he had been doing

"From the lack of that answer I am going to guess you were playing poker?" Dean's eye shot up guility "Don't worry it may be against the law but I'm not going to bust you for it." Looking down at his notebook he found the name. "Was Sam playing with you?"

"No, just me, Sam was waiting for me, he had been doing some..research he was sitting at a table in the bar."

Shaking his head that he understood the deputy continued. "What time did you get done playing?"

"About 2,"

"And Sam was already gone by then?"

"Yeah, Sam and I had a...disagreement, I ...ummm...told him to go back to the motel."

"What did you argue about."

"He wanted to leave, said the vibe was bad" chuckling a little. "If only... Now can you tell me what happened and where you found him?"Dean demanded deciding he had answered enough of the man's questions.

"Our office recieved a tip about some biker gang that had holed up on an abandoned farm house, just outside of town. They have been traveling around for a whileand we managed to linksome disappearances with their locations. So we decided to move in."

"Are you saying that thisgang grabbed Sam?"

"We think so, when we got to the farm we found it had already been abandoned. We were checking out the rest of the house when I found your brother had been left tied up to a...He was in pretty bad shape, I wasn't sure he was alive at first, we called for an ambulance andbrought him in here."

Dean didn'tmiss the omission from the cop and with aknot growingin the pit of his stomach he pursued the question. "What was Sammy tied to, Tom. What aren't you telling me?"

"Look, I'm not sure I'm the one to tell you this. Maybe the doctor or a counselor can help explain."

"No, I'm not waiting afor anyone else to explain to me. My brother has been missing for over 2 days now tell me, what you know before you have to arrest me for beating it out of you." Dean growled.

"Alright." Please sit down this is not going to be easy to hear. Once Dean lowered himself into the hard plastic chair he continued. "Your brother was tied to a table or maybe an altar is a better word. He was..." the deputy paused running a hand over his face taking a deep breath. "He had been sexually assaulted. They had left him there when they finished with him. We found his clothes but they weren't much help, they had been cut off of him. I'm sorry..."

All of the air left Dean's lungs, and he wasn't sure his heart was still beating. His brother had been taken from him and then he was brutalized and Dean hadn't been there to help him, in fact he had been the cause of it. If only...'It's funny how often I've used those two words' he berated himself again. "Do you know where they are? What happened to them?" Dean asked cautiously

"Not yet, they should turn up soon enough." Realizing that Dean may be planning to do something."Son, you need to take care of your brother, he is going to need you, let us handle the bad guys. we're the professionals."

Dean turned his head and fixed the deputy with a glare that caused a shiver to run up his spine. "You have no idea what I'm going to do. I'm going to see my brother." Dean stood and walked away.

Dean found his brothers room and quickly made his way to the side of his bed. He had been briefly waylaid by the Doctor who had given him an update on Sam's condition. The doctor confirmed that Sam has indeed been assaulted, butfortunately the damage inflicted was not permanent, although the doctor had recommended a consult with a psychologist to dicuss his attack, but Dean had sidelined her to hold off till he could talk to his brother. She had reluctantly agreed, and did help him with one thing he was concerned with, she made sure that the nurses station was aware that he could stay with his brother regardless of visiting hours.

Grasping his brothers hand he looked down at his brothers face. One eye was swollen shut, there was a large bandage around his right temple,the doctor had indicated the gash needed 4 stitchesand Dean was fairly certain it was how the blood had appeared in the car.Dean couldn't see the knife wounds on his chestnor theburnscovering Sam's back and legs.

AsDean ran a hand though Sam's hair his brother shifted restlessly away from him fearfuleven in sleep. Lowering his lips to Sam's ear he spoke soothingly "Sammy, it's okI've gotyou now.No one is going to hurt you." Dean settled into the chair still holding his brothers hand waiting for themedication to wear offso he could face the damage he had caused his brother.