Listen To Your Heart
Prologue - The Letter
This was originally just a little fun I was having when I was bored in my typing class, after a few paragraphs of typing it, it started getting interesting and I just couldn't bring myself to stop, I wanted to finish it, soon enough I had saved it on a floppy disk from the school computer and began typing it up at home.
And here it is, all finished, and on pretty strange how things happen huh? This fic has been re-read millions of times, and re-written in a few places as well, it took me an extremely long time to come up with the title, that is until I heard this song on the radio... So now I'll let you get on with it.
Please take a seat in front of the computer, sit back, rest your muscles, please get comfortable and have yourself a nice steaming cup of yaoi. Prepare yourself for a drama fit, enjoy! .
It seemed an unusual torture to myself, to take it out on myself; to cry for reasons that shouldn't have been considered my own. But I still would. No matter what anyone else could have said, I still would blame it on myself. After the loss of our most trusted headmaster; Albus Dumbledore, by the hands of one of our own, I couldn't bare the pain. It wasn't like I wanted to, anyway... He was the only person that was ever really close enough to me to be considered a father. And now he was gone, and it was my fault. I cried nights after that fight in the Astrology Tower, and nights after those nights I still cried.
Until I was out of school; with the Dursleys, it never really occurred to me that, even though I was suppose to be safe; and I knew I was; I still felt empty, I didn't feel safe, and I felt most of all... Alone. I had never felt so alone in the Dursleys presence before then. They didn't ask about it, which I was grateful for; it wasn't really any of their business anyway, not like they wanted to hear about anything that had happened in my world, with my kind of people. It wasn't like being there would have stopped any of the pain and guilt that I felt inside. I still cried there as well. I felt like I could never put a stopper in the tears, and when I finally thought I had run out of them, I'd collapse and cry some more. I could've filled an ocean with all of the tears I shed.
My friends still sent me letters, asking about how I was doing, the usual. And I replied as usual, but it didn't make me any happier, it only seemed to make it worse, if you really want to know the truth. On my birthday I received massive amounts of presents; at least… A lot more than the usual, I got gifts from Hagrid, Hermione, Ron, Fred and George, Mrs. Weasley, Luna Lovegood, and a few others from more, bizarre people.
But only one of which I had no clue as to where it had came from, at first. It was a green package, with silver ribbons. The first thing that occurred to me was that those were the Slytherin colors, so I hesitated; thinking it could either have been sent by someone in Hogwarts that was in that house while I was there, or someone that was once in Slytherin at least before, like an older person.
But the owl that had brought the gift to me didn't seem nasty or loathing at all. It was a young female, a white snow owl, just like Hedwig. And she was very sweet to me, calm and proud, but not a stuck up kind of proud. After a moment's thought I figured it probably wouldn't hurt to open the package, and it's not like I had anything else left to lose. So I did.
Inside of the package was a gorgeous box, one of those kinds of boxes that a present's in that you don't throw away because you can tell it costed a load, the box was made of Dragon Bone, and it was absolutely a sight to see, the person who had sent it to me obviously took their time. On the top of the box was my name, Harry James Potter, carved into the Dragon Bone, you could tell just barely that the box wasn't made for it to be there, but it still looked great.
If a person's handwriting could possibly be sad, and affectionate, tearful, full of pain and loss; then this person's was, the writing was loopy, and gorgeous, but you could tell it was done by a male, and just looking at it I felt I would cry again. If the person that wrote this was willing to take their time to make it look just perfect for me, then it must have been sad, because they obviously thought a lot about me, and very highly as well, or at least… That's how I felt.
After another moment of thought, I took a deep breath and pulled away the top, which had been placed as if you could lock it, and sat back on hinges. Glowing red from inside of it was a diary, I looked down at it, a bit confused, furrowing my brows, I reached my hand in and retrieved the booklet, which was completely green covered, except for the corners; which were plastered in silver. The owner of this diary was definantly a Slytherin.
I opened it hesitantly and a letter fell onto my lap, Harry Potter, in the same handwriting as on the Dragon Bone box, I felt my heart beat raise a little as I slipped my finger under the seal, which was a large M, and broke it, I pushed up the fold and pulled from inside, four pieces of notebook sized parchment. I folded them open, and began to read, it was the same gorgeous handwriting as before.
To The Dearest Gryffindor of All,
To Harry Potter,
First of all, I want you to know that this letter has been re-written so many times that I have lost count. And also added onto, because I kept on remembering other things that I had not yet told you of. So everything that is in here, I promise there is nothing else I have not told you of, you will know everything about me, everything.
I understand what has happened recently, as I was there at the time. And I want you to know that I am truly sorry, this letter was meant for you at least three years before now, I was just too cowardly to give it forth, but now, as you read it, it is in your hands, I want you to know that I never intended for any of this to happen, I didn't want you to get hurt, I care a lot for you Harry, I wish I could have had the chance to get to know you better than I do, considering that that's not much. I'm sorry about our headmaster, and yes, I'm in Slytherin house, as you may have already guessed, and I'm a male as well. I don't want to say too much, or I am afraid you will chuck this letter the second you find out who it is from, please don't let what I just said make you do so, I want you to continue reading, what I have to tell you is very important.
I have always watched you, Harry, at school. I have had my eye on you for some time, but not an eye of loathing, but of something... Much different. I'm not saying this to frighten you, and do not think that I am watching you now, because I am positive that by now, your birthday, as you're reading this, that I... Am dead. I won't be able to say any of this to your face; which is probably one of the greatest things in my life, that I regret. I had originally intended to give this letter to you myself, face to face with you, handed it to you, from my own hands. I will say now, that you know me, and not just that, but you know me very well. You've seen me almost everyday at Hogwarts before, and we have also exchanged words most of the time. And I will be honest with you, you hate me. Please do not set down this letter yet, I wish for you to read on. Please Harry.
I want you to know that I am very sorry. I regret everything I have ever done in my entire life, except for this, except for telling you this. My father is a Death Eater, so as you know, negotiating with you, or even talking to you with a nice tone, would result in something very hazardous to my health, on my part, I know that. But I want you to know that I have always wanted to be your friend, I have always wanted to be closer to you, to talk to you. I have always wanted that. You see, the deepest thing you have come to know about me, on the inside I mean, is that I am a coward, I don't like pain, I was weak. I didn't tell you. I could've saved Dumbledore... If only I wasn't such a coward. I'm sorry.
There are reasons for everyone to be sorted into there houses, but I... I think I fit best in Slytherin, because I am a coward, but there is one small thing I do not have... Determination to get what I want, because... I have never gotten what I wanted, never. And I never will. But if I had gotten one thing, out of everything I have ever wanted, it would be to be able to tell you this, face to face... After this. I know I'm wanting too much, it's impossible for me to do that, because as I have said before, as you read this, I am sure... That I am no longer alive.
It's sad, to think that, as I'm writing this, thinking about it, and you're reading this (I hope you are), you're thinking this, I could be dead. It makes me sad to think on it. But it's the truth, and if I'm not dead yet, than I should be soon. My father will know or find out... That I have sent this all to you, and he will not be happy with me. I think now it is time to reveal to you who I am. Just please do not toss this, when you see the name, because I still have much more important things to tell you, about the Dark Lord. Thank you, and please turn the page, Harry.
I frowned and felt my eyes water, this person did care for me, it was obvious. I swallowed lightly and set the first page down on my desk, I was shocked, when I saw the name written there, in the most beautiful hand writing I had ever seen, the same that I had been reading. And I couldn't believe my eyes.
I felt my heart stop, but I continued reading.
I hope you haven't thrown this paper away. But then again, I wouldn't blame you, I don't deserve your attention, no matter how important this may be, thank you though... If you are still reading. Are you shocked? The reason I ask you these things, is because I don't know how you would react, I don't know you that well, I never will. But you thought you knew me, have I proved you wrong? Anyway, back onto the important stuff, I don't have much time to go on.
I really wish I could've talked to you in person, and answered any questions you had, but I can't, I really wish I could. I want start off with a big bang. So I'll tell you this now, just to make it clear between us, I do not have the dark mark on me, anywhere. I have been fighting it off for some time now, and my father is not too happy, neither is the Dark Lord. If it truly comes to it, and I am forced to get it, please do not blame it on me, for I will have done all I could to prevent it. I promise you that.
Second of all, I want you to know that I do care for you, more than you could ever imagine. I've been in love with you since the second year, and there are no other feelings that would ever change that, no matter how horrible I was to you, I did it out of love, and it hurt me too. I wanted to apologize, I wanted a better reason, because the excuse I am using now doesn't make up for even a quarter of the things that I have done in the past. I just wish I could have made it all up to you.
But I am giving you everything I've got right now, I hope it's enough to satisfy you for some time, and I do hope that it helps. I know about your mission to find all of Lord Voldemort's Horcruxes. And I know where a few of them are, enclosed in this diary of mine is one of them, a necklace that one of his followers handed down from my mother to me, Regulus Black, it is a Horcrux of the Dark Lord's.
I don't want to waste this letter with all of this information, because I have already written a list of the ones that I know of, and where they are, in this diary. As you may have also guessed, this is a personal diary, the only one that I have ever owned. It has many things written in it, things that I have thought, ways that I have felt, secrets, that no one else has ever been told, and I want you to have it, because I trust you, and besides... It was written for you, it was written to you. My father has never touched this diary, let alone known of it's existence, he has no clue.
You see, that day in Diagon Alley, in the second year, when we bumped into each other in Flourish and Blotts, I had just bought it no less than thirty minutes before then. I snook off, from my father, and without his knowing, I bought it, it was an intended secret. It's kind of weird how these things happen, really, I only bought it out of knowing that I had gotten something without my father ever realizing it, and it was the first rule of his, that I have ever broken. Funny? I didn't plan to ever write in it, and I didn't until my third year, like I said before... The only reason why I got it was to know that I had something my father didn't know of. By the time I started writing in it, I already knew of my feelings for you. The words written in this diary, every last one, is only for you to see, as only you can see it. You know how good I am with potions, right? Or maybe you just think that my grades are all because Professor Snape favors me, well fuck him. I got my grades on my own, I didn't need his help at all.
I created a writing ink that only you can read, no matter how many spells anyone else tries, it will never appear to them. I know this as a fact, as I can't see the writing either. So there are mistakes in that diary I scratched out, please excuse the sloppiness, as I can't have seen how the writing looked. And I've never read it over, so half the time, I can't remember what I have written in there. So it is all entirely truthful. It's not like I could go through it again and scratch out anything I didn't want you to read. The writing in this letter here however, is just regular ink, no spells or jinxes what-so-ever.
I set down the second page and continued to read on the third page.
There are a few things not in the diary that I want to tell you right away, things that I didn't have time to mention weather I'd have liked to or not, that diary isn't for these kinds of things, that's what this letter is here for. First of all, I no longer consider myself a pureblood, as it seems I have become tainted. You probably don't understand what I am saying, so I will explain myself. Over vacation between our fifth and sixth years I was bitten by a Werewolf, and not just any Werewolf, but by Fenrir Greyback.
The same that had bitten Professor Lupin, in case you didn't know. The mark is right above the right side of my collar bone, and it isn't exactly pretty to look at, it's disgusting really, and it was a gruesome experience. That's one of the reasons I looked so ill during most of our sixth year, and had missed the Gryffindor and Slytherin match that day as well, I had to stay in hiding during my transformations. I didn't intend to hurt Dumbledore, the day he was killed, I was there, and I was scared, I didn't want to hurt any body.
If only you had been there and heard the things he had said to me, everything he said was so true. I'm not a killer, and that night I was afraid to act alone, I was really afraid to act at all. I was using those tricks to kill him before just to waste time, I didn't plan on them hurting anybody, but I had to at least pretend I was doing something with my time, or you-know-who would have killed my mother and I. So I really had no choice.
I'm sorry about you friend Weasley, I didn't ever think that you two would be in danger of that poison. It was an accident. Yes, it was me, I'm so sorry, Harry, please forgive me... Or not. It really is your choice. I would love to be able to go back to Hogwarts again this coming year... But I'm afraid I am not welcome, or shall I say, I do not welcome myself there... If only I hadn't been so stupid, and so scared, and listened to Dumbledore, he would still be alive, and maybe your pain wouldn't be so strong at this moment, I'm sorry for being so daft, Harry. It was all my fault. Another thing that is not in the diary is this... At this current moment... I am no longer at the Malfoy Manor. Nor am I with Snape, after the incident at Hogwarts, I left.
I ran away, and I left my wand there and took only what I needed, this letter I've been writing, the box, my diary, and the clothes I wore, except for a spot of money to get where I was going. If you want to know where I am, I'm at the Leaky Cauldron right as I'm writing this, sitting at the desk in the room I've rented out for me to stay in. I just hope they don't find me before I can send this all to you, I want to at least stay alive long enough to send this to you on your birthday, at the same time as your friends presents arrive.
Maybe, finally, I have proved you wrong about me. I want to at least die knowing that you have read this, and that you keep my apologies in mind. Harry. Thank you. Even though we were the worst of enemies... I'm glad I had you there the whole time, or I feel I never would have made it through. In so many ways you kept me going. I just wished that you had felt the same, I feel horrible for all of the pain that I have caused you, and all of the trouble you have went through because of the things that I have done.
There is also one more thing left to tell you that is not in that diary either, not once in my life have I ever said my true feelings towards you aloud, I really couldn't have risked it if someone had heard me, that wasn't you, or the information would've gotten to my father one way or another. But besides for that, I want you to know that if I ever see you again, in any form, that will be the first thing I would say to you. I promise. You have my word in so many things I have written in this letter, and if I am still alive by the time I see you again, my life and my future will be in your hands. If you do not feel the same, I want you to know that that is the way I would have wanted it to be, only your judgement of me matters to me.
I also want you to know that none of what happens to me after this letter will have been your fault, so do not begin to take it out on yourself. It was all my choice, and you could have done nothing to prevent it.
I flipped over to the final page of Draco's letter and continued reading in haste.
I suppose I've lived long enough to get one thing I have wanted, to send this letter to you on your birthday, I saved the last few paragraphs of this letter for now, it's currently eleven thirty at night, only thirty minutes to go until your birthday, and as I'm writing this, I am also packing what I have up once again. I have done this one thing every night before your birthday for the past five years, do you want to know what it is? I would stay up until twelve, and just after it turned to that day, I would whisper a light 'Happy Birthday, Harry' before turning off the light in my room, and going to bed.
There was not a time that I did that, that I didn't blush afterwards, because I was imagining telling it to you face to face. If only I had, huh? If your wondering where I'm going, I'm leaving the Leaky Cauldron and on my way to Privet Drive, so I can send it directly to your window, and watch you receive it. Sounds kind of scary when you think about it, doesn't it.
It's just turning twelve, so I've got to hurry and write this:
Happy Seventeenth Birthday, Harry!
Well readers, that's the end of the Prologue, wait for more, as you see, there will be! I hope you enjoyed, please review! Happy Holidays!