A/N: Apologies for the relative scarcity of luscious Carthness in this chapter. Be assured that this will be remedied later on!

Chapter 1: The Bad Beginning

One fine morning (or maybe it was night; it's hard to tell in space), Marisu Arianna Raven Skywalker was rudely awakwened from her beauty sleep by some very loud banging and crashing noises. "What's happening?" she wondered out loud, and briefly considered remembering right away that she was Revan. Then she realised that this would give her less opportunity for gratuitous angst later on, and instantly dismissed the idea.

Suddenly the cabin door burst open and a man rushed in. His name was Trask, but he wasn't remotely hawt and was therefore unimportant. "The Endar Spire is under attack!" he began, but stopped short the moment he laid eyes on Marisu.

Marisu Arianna Raven Skywalker was stunningly gorgeous. Her waist-length hair was a deep raven black (to match her name); her pale skin porcelain-smooth and flawless; her eyes a dazzling emerald green. Despite being only four foot six inches tall, she was the best soldier/scout/smuggler in the Republic fleet (she couldn't decide on a class, so she chose all three). She already had all the tenth-level feats and skills, along with Force Resistance and Magic Missile.

Trask continued to gawp at Marisu for several seconds before finally managing to pull himself together. "Um... what was I talking about?"

"You said the Endar Spire was under attack," Marisu reminded him, tapping her foot impatiently. Why couldn't she skip this bit and get to Carth already?

"Uh, yeah... that's right." Trask gulped nervously and tried to smooth down his hair. "Look, we've got to get to the bridge and –"

"Protect Bastila," she interrupted him, waving a hand dismissively. "I know all that stuff already. Alright, let's get out of here and start kicking some Sith butt!"

With these words she grabbed a blaster pistol, kicked open the electronically sealed doors and ran out into the corridor, leaving a stunned Trask leaning against the cabin wall and panting heavily. (A/N: Phew! Glad that's over with. Now we can forget about Trask and concentrate on the incredible deeds of Marisu.)

Out in the corridor, Marisu watched in horror as a couple of Republic soldiers were brutally slaughtered by a gang of evil Sith. "Nooooo!" she screamed. "Die, you evil puppy-kicking scumbags!" And as the Sith looked round in horror, she fired a shot that somehow managed to hit every single one of them simultaneously. (A/N: She's a really good shot, OK?)

Meanwhile, on the bridge of the Endar Spire, hunky studmuffin Carth Onasi was pacing up and down and looking increasingly harassed (but in a really gorgeous and sexy way). He was doing this because he was fed up of having to protect Bastila, who will be referred to hereafter as 'Bitchila' because the author hates her so much. As the name implies, she was a horrible bitch with a snotty English accent and no redeeming features whatsoever. She wasn't even all that pretty, at least not compared to Marisu.

"Bitchila," he said at last, "stop your Battle Meditation and listen to me!"

"What is it, Carth?" enquired Bitchila arrogantly. (Everything Bitchila said was automatically arrogant.)

"You have to get to the escape pods. The Sith have managed to board the ship!"

"Eeeek!" squealed Bitchila, and charged off in the direction of the escape pods. For Bitchila, in addition to being horrible, whiny, annoying, stupid, selfish, immature, snobbish, ugly, and having bad breath, was also a complete and utter coward. (The woman who coolly faced down two Dark Lords, took on a gang of Vulkars in hand-to-hand combat and sacrificed herself to save her friends was merely an imposter.)

Rolling his eyes in disgust, Carth hurried off after her. He would have much preferred to leave her for the Sith, but he knew that despite being utterly useless and incompetent, Bitchila was vital to the Republic's survival. And naturally, being the loyal, dedicated, long-suffering and absurdly handsome hero of the Republic that he was, he couldn't possibly allow her Battle Meditation to fall into the hands of the enemy.

While Carth was being forced to babysit Bitchila, who was too feeble and pathetic even to get into an escape pod without help, Marisu had come across a male Dark Jedi fighting a female Light Jedi. The female Jedi was supposed to die at this point, but naturally Marisu couldn't allow that to happen. "Noooooo!" she shrieked, and launched into a flying high-kick that sent the Dark Jedi hurtling into a conveniently-placed power conduit. It exploded, killing him instantly.

The female Jedi leapt to her feet and dusted off her robes. "Thank you, Marisu!" she trilled, and ran off to carve up some more Sith. Marisu went on her way, congratulating herself on another success in her mission to spread sweetness, light and joy.

She briefly paused to touch up her lip-gloss before continuing on to the bridge, where a group of Sith instantly pulled out their swords and committed ritual hara-kiri rather than waste time trying to fight her. Looking around, she saw that the bridge was empty and guessed that Bitchila, snivelling little cry-baby that she was, had already fled to the escape pods. Shrugging, she adjusted her form-fitting Mandalorian Battle Armour and went on her way.

Suddenly she heard running footsteps behind her and looked round to see that Trask had finally caught up with her. What a bore, she thought, and wondered how to get rid of him – but at that very moment the door ahead opened and a Dark Jedi strode through, cackling evilly. "I'll get him!" she cried, and prepared to hit the Sith with a blast of Force energy (momentarily forgetting that she wasn't supposed to have any Force powers yet). But she was too late; Trask had already leapt in front of her and charged at the Dark Jedi, sword raised.

"I'll hold him off!" he shouted. "You get to the escape pods!"

"Trask, no!" But it was too late. Marisu could only watch in horror as the door in front of her came crashing down in a shower of sparks, sealing the Sith and the doomed Trask inside.

"Nooooooooo!" she wailed, falling to her knees and beating on the door with her fists. "Trask!" But there was nothing she could do; and so, sobbing quietly, she paused to conduct an impromptu funeral service for her dear comrade of so many long minutes. That done, she sniffled a little, wiped her eyes bravely and promptly forgot about him altogether.

And so, minus Trask, Marisu went on her merry way through the starboard section. At one point she found her way blocked by a group of Sith in the next room, and had to use her uber-l337 hacking skillz to slice one of the ship's computers and blow them up. Picking her way delicately through the blood-spattered room, she finally reached the door leading to the escape pods, opened it – and found herself looking up at the most incredibly handsome man she had ever seen.

The man was Carth Onasi. (A/N: Squeeee!) He was about six foot four, with huge rippling muscles that bulged through his rather fetching orange jacket. His eyes were a deep chocolate-brown with hints of amber and chestnut; his hair as auburn as... uhm. Anyway, you get the point: utter gorgeousness!

"Oooh," gasped Marisu, feeling herself go weak at the knees. "You're so big and strong..."

Carth pushed back his fringe with a manly swagger and held out his hand. "Hi there," he began, in his deep voice. "I'm Carth Onasi. Bitchila's escape pod has already – "

But Marisu didn't hear him, for she had fainted dead away the moment he began to speak.

"Jesus Christ!" muttered Carth, and then wondered who Jesus Christ was. No matter; he stepped forward and, bending over Marisu, lifted her petite but perfect four-foot-six body into his strong, muscular arms as easily as if she were a fairy. He hesitated for a moment to gape at her astounding beauty, then carried her over to the last remaining escape pod and carefully laid her inside.

Inside the pod, Carth heard the eject mechanism activate and heaved a sigh of relief. Soon they would be on Taris, where they could soon catch up with Bitchila – if she hadn't managed to get herself killed yet – and find a way to contact the Republic. Nothing could possibly go wrong...