Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings
Everyone knows that Mary-Sues can get really annoying at times. But there are more Sues than the fall into ME, get Leggy to fall in love with her kind. Today we will be exploring the story of the traditional mindless slut, the most annoying Sue of all time. Watch as she falls into Middle Earth, meets "Aragon", goes to "Rivendale", and tries to get "Leggy" to fall in love with her. But the real Middle Earth is different than the movies...
Mary-Sues of Middle Earth
"What was that?" Aragorn whispered. The hobbits looked around, but found nothing but the unforgiving darkness around them. The ranger quietly snuck into the trees. A few minutes later, he emerged with a teenage girl hanging from his grip on her cami. She had midnight blackhair and a tiny waist. Her bright blue eyes were widened with awe as she took in her surroundings. Her mini skirt revealed a little more than nessecary around the hips and above the knee.
"Who, no, what is she?" Merry asked. Frodo, who was seriously injured at the moment, just stared at her blankly.
"Uh... my name is Tinklewinklehamana," the girl answered. She thought the name sounded like elvish,"And you're Mary, Ham, Flippin, Fordo, and Aragon!"
"Actually, it's Merry, Sam, Pippin, Frodo, and Aragorn,"Aragorn said.
"Hey, aren't you supposed to be, like, nearly dead?" she asked, pointing to Frodo,"And, like, where is Princess Arwen? She should be rescuing you by now!"
Aragorn dropped the girl onto the hard ground and walked into the forest once more. Eventually he beckoned to the others and they all, even Frodo, got up and walked to him. Tinklewinklehamana was dumbfounded, but she stepped foward also.
Standing in front of them was a male elf, with the light of Valinor shining around his body. When he saw the girl, he tilted his head and muttered something incomprehesible to Aragorn. Then he turned to Frodo.
"You must take Asfaloth and ride to Rivendell," he said, "The wraiths cannot catch you with this horse by your side."
"But I can't leave you behind," Frodo replied.
"You're hot..." the girl said.
"We will be alright. Now ride! The wraiths are behind us," Glorfindel commanded, ignoring her.
As Frodo disappeared, the others began to collect their things. Tinklewinklehamana was confused.
"This is like, different than the movie!" she whined, "None of this is supposed..." but she was cut short. While complaining endlessly about the current conditions, she tripped over her own two feet and landed head-first on a rock. She was knocked out cold.
"Should we leave her?" Pippin asked.
Glorfindel sighed. "I suppose we must take her with us, but at least she'll be quiet now. Aragorn can handle her if she awakens. She frightens me very much..." Suddenly, the scream of a wraith was heard behind them. They ran as fast as their legs could take them!
Tinklewinklehamana opened her eyes inside of the Last Homely House. She had a massive headache from her fall, but she was able to stagger over to her large mirror. She saw that her blonde hair was mussed and her clear skin smeared with mud. Worst of all, her forty dollar mini-skirt was ruined.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" she screamed, summoning everyone within a ten mile radius into her room. That was when she saw Legolas standing in the corner.
"LEGGY!" she squealed. The poor elf was left defensless when she jumped on top of him.
"Get this creature off of me!" he cried. Glorfindel and Aragorn both grabbed her by the arm and pulled her off the shocked elf.
"I have never seen such unexcuseble behavior from any madien in my long years as Lord of Rivendell, but you have managed to amaze me in five minutes. Where do you come from?" Elrond questioned angrily.
"Earth, duh! You should know that, King Elrod. Can't you, like, see into the future and read minds? My family disowned me after I refused to follow in the family buisness. I was forced to live on the streets of Chicago until I magically landed here..." she answered, adding a tearful sniff for effect. The men didn't buy any of it.
"How do you expect us to believe that? You would have to pay a ridiculus amount of money to even get someone to think about making a skirt of those...proportions," Legolas said, pulling at the bottom of his own tunic.
"Don't you like it Leggy? I think it compliments my features well..." she added slyly. The elf looked at her, disgusted. He even turned slightly green at the thought of it.
"You have never even met Legolas! I am ashamed of your behavior miss, uh, Tinklewinklehamana?" exclaimed Glorfindel.
"But doesn't it feel like we have known each other forever?" she asked, scooting closer to Legolas. When she was finally standing by his side, he looked down at her in horror as if she were a disease and fainted on the spot.
"Look what you've done!"Gandalf exclaimed, "Now the poor elf is unconsious, and we need him for the council in an hour."
"I'll go!" cried Tinklewinklehamana.
"NO!" the others screamed.
After the council was over, Tinklewinklehamana was waiting for her precious elf to speak with her. No such luck. Elrond wouldn't even let her eat with the others, much less let her speak with Legolas alone.
Weeks passed before she was allowed to leave her room. The only social contact she had during this period was when the servants brought food and hot water for bathing. Finally, at the end of December, Lord Elrond summoned her to the Hall of Fire.
"The fellowship leaves in three days," he exclaimed, "You shall be joining them."
He didn't have the time tosay anything more, because after his last sentance she ran out of the hall screaming Legolas's name. It was a genius plan, really. She would leave with the fellowship, and he would never have to see her again! If they were lucky, an orc would chop off her head or something like that. He really did feel sorry for Legolas, but at least Rivendell would be safe from her madness!
"Bye King Elrod! Bye Princess Arwen! Bye Glorfy! I hope to see you all again soon!" Tinklewinklehamana cried as the fellowship left Rivendell. Legolas positioned himself in the back of the fellowship, for that monster was in the front. She could torture Gandalf with her endless blabbering for all he cared.
Days passed on end until the company reached Caradhras (is that how you spell it?). The girl charged up the mountain first, and was suddenly forced back by the wind. Legolas took the oppertunity to step on her on his way up, as did the rest of the fellowship. When she finally got on her feet, she realized that the snow was up to her waist. She scooted her way up to Legolas, only to have her hopes of snuggling with him trampled when he yelled, "Farwell! I go to find the sun!" and disappeared in the blizzard.
A few hours later, he reappeared with good news. The next turn was the worst to come, then it was easy going from there. The hobbits grabbed onto the men and they began to trudge foward. Indeed, it was the worst. After struggling past that point though, they easily made their way down the mountian and toward the Mines of Moria.
"Yo, Flippin! Don't throw the rocks! It will, like, awaken the Watcher thing!" Tinklewinklehamana yelled as he tossed the rocks. Pippin looked up frightenly and backed away from the water. Sure enough, ripples appeared on the surface.
"There is a creature in the water? How do you know this?" asked Boromir.
As the girl explained her reasoning, Gandalf, with the help of Frodo, opened the door to the mine.
"Chill, dude. No one's going to die! Fordo's just going to get sucked in, but you and Aragon will rescue him..." she continued.
The fellowship stepped into the mines and realized that every dwarf in the entrance was dead!
"Get out!" Boromir cried. Suddenly, just as the girl predicted, a tentacle reached out and grabbed Frodo's leg. Not as she predicted, Sam was the one to save him by slashing at the beast with his sword. They all got inside just before the Watcher destroyed the entrance, leaving them inside the mines.
"It's so dark, Leggy. I need someone to help guide me..." the girl suggested. Lucky for him, Gandalf lit up his staff and she could see perfectly. Legolas immaturally stuck out his tounge and ran ahead.
Four tiering days slipped by and Tinklewinklehamana still hadn't gotten near Legolas. Right now, Gandalf had just figured out which way to go.
"Balin!" Gimli cried. The wizard tried to stop him, but hesprinted foward anyway. When he got to the room, all that was there was a tomb and a few dwarf skeletons.
"Here lies Balin, son of Hundin, lord of Moria," sighed Gandalf, "He is dead then."
"Well, I knew that," the girl stated, then turned to Pippin, who was in the act of throwing the stone in the well.
"You shouldn't have done that. Now the goblins are, like, going to attack us!" she screeched. Sure enough, the drums began to roll. The girl hid behind Legolas when the first arrows were shot. All he could do was sigh and kill some more goblins.
"They have a cave troll! Run!" cried Boromir.
"Leggy, don't worry! You'll kill..." but before she could utter another word, Boromir grabbed her and dragged her out of the tomb. Scurring behind them were Aragorn, who was carrying a limp Frodo which she had completly forgotton about, and Legolas, dragging an unwilling Gimli behind him.
"I'm alright! Put me down!" Frodo gasped. Aragorn did so.
"You should be dead!" he exclaimed.
"There is no time! Swords are no more use here," commanded Gandalf.
The company ran quickly through the long hall with the wizard's staff leading the way. After a while, he ran out of energy and the light disappeared. Tinklewinklehamana pouted when Merrywas the one to grab her hand and lead the way. Soon they were able to walk, but when the air became hotter, Gandalf urged them foward again. Now there was a great light, but it wasn't the sun. It was red, and the fellowship seemed to be afraid of it. The Mary-Sue decided to do something smart for once and not say anything to change the timeline, but that was not her reason for doing so. She decided that the wizard was getting on her nerves, and she wanted him to leave. Go figure.
"The bridge!" cried Gandalf, "Hurry!"
The fellowship ran across the bridge single file, with the girl running and screaming in the front. Legolas notched a bow while he was running, but dropped it with a cry.
"Ai! A Balrog has come!" he screamed. Gandalf urged Aragorn and Boromir foward, then he stood in the middle of the bridge. The girl knew what was going to happen, but she acted like she didn't. With a shrill cry, she hid behind Legolas. He just shoved her off.
"You cannot pass. I am a servant of the secret fire, wielder of the flame of Anor. You cannot pass. The dark fire will not avail you, flame of Udun. Go back to the shadow! You cannot pass," Gandalf began. The Balrog just stood there, observing him like he was the human and the wizard was the annoying fly that he was about to obliterate.
"You shall not pass!" the wizard cried. With that, his staff hit the bridge and the enemy went falling down into the dark hole, but not without dragging Gandalf down first.
"Fly you fools," he commanded. Then he was gone.
Aragorn contained himself and ordered the fellowship to keep going. Frodo and Sam were crying their little hearts out as they ran. Tinklewinklehamana just smiled to herself. There was no way that annoying wizard could keep her from Leggy now.
The company was silent as they stepped into Lothlorien. Legolas's frown turned upside-down when he saw the river infront of them. Even as the girl walked through it, she felt all of her muscles relax and her feet well again.
As they walked, Legolas began to sing of Nimrodel. Tinklewinklehamana grinned when he finished.
"That was beautiful, Leggy! I can sing too, you know..." but before she could open her mouth, Aragorn covered it. He really didn't want to attract any more orcs.
The company trudged foward a little more when Legolas climbed up into a tree. As soon as he heard voices though, he jumped down and backed away. The voices spoke in elvish tounge, and Legolas replied.
"They say you breath so loud..." but the girl interuppted.
"That they could have shot you in the dark, yeah yeah, I know. It was probably Haldir who said that."
Legolas looked at her suspiciously. "How did you know that?" he asked.
"It was in the movies, duh!" she replied. He questioned her no more when a ladder was let down from the tree.
When the girl clambered up, she saw Legolas sitting with Haldir, Rumil, and Orophin. Before any of them could speak, she let out an extremly loud fangirl screech.
"OMG! You're Haldir! You are, like, so hot! Not as hot as Legolas of course, but..." Boromir covered her mouth before she could say anything else to embarrass them. Haldir was about to ask, but Aragorn beat him to it.
"Elrond's idea," he muttered.
Haldir nodded and explained to them about their sleeping arrangements. Tinklewinklehamana struggled against Boromir, but he was much stronger than she. After a while, she finally got tired and plopped to the ground with exaustion.
When she awakened, she was hovering over rapid moving water. She let out a cry, and the person carrying her nearly fell. Before she looked up at the face, she prayed that it was Legolas.
No such luck. It was Rumil.
"AAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEE!" she screeched. The elf wobbled a little and dropped her. Then the worst happened. No, she did not fall. That probably would have given them reason to rejoice. Instead, she was hanging onto the rope upside-down. Her shirt flew down to reveal some... rather unpleasant features. In result, a couple of things happened. Haldir, his brothers, and thehumansjust turned their heads with horrified looks on their faces; Frodo and Sam fainted; Merry and Pippin froze in their positions, also with horrified looks; Gimli screamed like a little girl; and poor Legolas stood in shock for a moment before collapsing onto the ground.
When she finally made her way across the river, Haldir was still in shock. He looked down at her, then across the river, then down at her, then across the river once more. Finally, he spoke.
"Well, I suppose we will not need to blindfold all of them anymore," he muttered, "Orophin, retrieve the unconcious ones and bring the others with you. I will deal with the girl."
Tinklewinklehamana just smiled.
When the fellowship stood before Lord Celeborn and Lady Galadriel, Tinklewinklehamana's hands were bound and she was blindfolded. The others had recovered more or less from the incident and were all concious once more.
"Why is the girl bound?" Celeborn asked. But before Haldir could answer, Galadriel whispered something to him and he took a step away from her.
"Nine there were yet eight set out from Rivendell," he exclaimed, "Tell me, where is Gandalf? For I much desire to speak with him."
"He has fallen into the shadow of Moria," replied Aragorn. The girl just nodded.
So Aragorn began the long tale of their travels through Moria. By the time he had finished, the girl was asleep.
"Well that's a relief. Take her to a talan, Haldir," commanded Celeborn.
"No buts. And I want you to make sure that the talan is secure. The last thing we need is her running about Lothlorien..."
Tinklewinklehamana awakened to find that the fellowship was preparing to leave. Legolas was the first to notice her awakening.
"Aragorn! The potion's wearing off!" he called. He muttered something under his breath about wishing it could have lasted longer.
"Collect your things. We are leaving soon," Legolas said. She quietly obeyed him and stood up.
"I don't have any things, remember?" she whined. He pointed to the clothes beside her bed. That was when she realized that she was wearing an elvish traveling garment something like what Arwen wore to rescue Frodo in the movies. The skirt went down to her ankles, by the way.
"Shoot," she muttered, "I want to wear my mini skirt!"
Legolas sighed. "Lady Galadriel learned about what happened on our way here and decided that you needed to wear something more appropriate. So don't complain."
She did complain. All the way to the river she whined about her clothes. She was still complaining when Celeborn and Galadriel had luncheon with them, and she complained as the elves were pinning on her cloak.
Aragorn was the unfortunate one to carry the girl in his boat, and she spent days whining about her outfit. Finally, when they landed on the shores of Amon Hen, he cracked.
"SHUT UP YOU EVIL SPAWN OF MORDOR!" he screamed, "ALL YOU'VE EVER DONE THIS ENTIRE TRIP IS TALK! I HOPE YOU CHOKE ON LEMBAS BREAD, THEN WE'LL BE FREE OF YOUR ENDLESS BLABBERING!"
Legolas stared at Aragorn. No one had ever seen the ranger snap, yet this creature had made him so.
"Well, I hope you fall off a cliff meanie!" she spat. Then she finally ran into the forest. Pippin finally broke the silence.
"Where's Frodo?" he asked. The others looked around, but he was nowhere to be found. Neither was Boromir.
Tinklewinklehamana found Frodo when he fell from theancient statue. She also spotted the orcs.
"RUN FORDO! RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!" she screamed. When he ran, Aragorn jumped onto the scene and began to slice at the band of orcs that had appeared out of nowhere. The girl just screamed and hid behind a tree. Following the ranger were Legolas and Gimli.
"Go Leggy!" she cried, instantly discovering her mistake. An orc heard the cry and started to chase her toward the river.
"Save me Leggy! Help!" she screamed. Suddenly, she came to a cliff that hovered over the large waterfall. The orc shot his last arrow at her. She dodged it just in time, only to lose her balance and topple into the water with a cry.
"She's gone..." Legolas said after the battle was over. The three remaning travelers looked up at each other and pondered the fact for a moment. Without warning, the elf and man let out a whoop and began to dance in a circle happily. Gimli kept his composure, but he was still glad to be rid of the menace. Too bad Boromir wasn't here to see this...
So ends the tale of our first variaty of Mary-Sue. Some things to think about when you come upon a story like this are:
1. It is just short of impossible for a Mary-Sue such as this one to last farther than the end of the first book
2. Legolas would never really fall in love with a girl such as this. No chance whatsoever. If you are a true fan, you know that the elf is better than that.
3. Sues like these are annoying, especially to the ones that have to endure them- aka the fellowship- so you have to admit that the final scene is very likely when the Sue dies a horrible death.
Join us next time when we explore another type of Mary-Sue, one that is a little bit less annoying. She is a die hard LotR fan, and has a better chance of survival than this mindless slut. She has read the books more times than she can count, and knows the movies by heart. (Welcome to my world!) This is the modern LotR fan, and it's coming up next!