Yaoi is Fun
A/N: This is a short, stupid fanfiction I thought up last night as I was falling asleep. I blame my brother's incessant watching of Spongebob and my love of Yu-Gi-Oh.
I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh.
Warnings: Cursing, MalikRyou, and Malik singing.
It was That Point in Malik and Ryou's relationship. They'd been going out for a few months, after finding that they had a lot– including two psychopathic nymphomaniac yamis– in common. They hadn't even addressed the question of sex yet, but Malik, having been educated about life in general by Marik, was itching to get to it. Literally.
"Malik," Ryou asked in his quiet, British-accented voice. "What the bloody hell are you doing?"
Malik looked up innocently, and removed his hands from around Ryou's thin hips. "Nothing."
"You were doing something. I felt you doing something." The feeling returned. Almost like Malik was sneakily trying to unzip his jeans. "There. You're doing it."
"No," Malik replied, moving his hands away from the zipper. "I'm not doing anything." The hands continued to move.
"Do you think I'm stupid? You were trying to unzip my bloody fly!"
"Well, I'm not. You looked itchy. I was scratching you."
"I looked itchy? Malik, are you completely mad?"
"Oh, right. I forgot about that." Malik pulled Ryou close to him so that the British boy's back was right against Malik's chest.
"Mm-hmm..." The Egyptian went back to his attempts to stealthily get Ryou out of his pants.
Ryou turned his head as far as he could, trying to look Malik in the eyes. "You got me off topic! And you're still unzipping my pants!"
"What's so wrong with that, sexy?"
Ryou blushed. This wasn't just an embarrassed blush. It wasn't an angry blush, either. It was the bastard child of the two, that has far surpassed its parents in power and then gone out of control. "We're in the produce section of a grocery store, Malik. That's what's so wrong with that."
"You look like a tomato." This caused Ryou to turn even redder, which Malik hadn't thought possible. Interesting, he mused. Let's experiment. He flicked his tongue out and licked Ryou's ear. "And tomatoes are taaaastyyy..."
"I-I'm glad to know that I'm 'taaaastyyy'," Ryou stammered, turning magenta. People stopped to stare, and mothers ushered their young children away from the "stwange waspbewwy man being eaten".
Malik grinned, and went back to the zipper. He'd get those pants off, dammit, if it took him all day! "Just keep thinking on that."
"HEY! You're getting me off-topic again, Malik!" Ryou turned so that he was looking up at Malik. "Well, now you can't get to that zipper so easily."
Malik smirked, and Ryou paled. "You're right. I can't get to that zipper now. But..."
"But..." Malik laughed a quiet version of his madman laugh, and pinched Ryou's behind. "But I can get to your butt."
"Malik!" Ryou was blushing at full strength again, and looked more than a little annoyed. "My teacher just passed by!"
"Oops." Malik didn't look sorry in the least. "I apologize sincerely. Let me show you how much." He let go of Ryou, climbed atop a display of honeydew melons, and began to speak loudly. "Listen up, you mortal fools!"
"You're a mortal fool too, Malik!"
"Fuck that. Listen up, cattle! I am so sorry to my boyfriend here," he gestured to Ryou, who was trying to sneak off, "that I am humbling myself atop these melons."
Ryou blushed again; that last sentence had sounded just plain wrong. Any more of this, and I'll be permanently red.
Malik had also realized how the melon statement sounded, and he started laughing. He stopped when he saw a blue-uniformed police officer come running toward them.
"Shit!" Malik jumped down off the melons, grabbed Ryou, and ran out the supermarket doors. They didn't stop running until they reached Malik's motorcycle, which had been parked all the way at the other end of the huge parking lot.
Once they were safely atop the shiny red motorcycle, or "The Glory of Ra" as Malik affectionately called her, Ryou panted, "Malik. Tell me again why you parked the motorcycle at the other end of a half-mile-long parking lot?"
Malik shook his head and spoke slowly, as if explaining something to a not-too-bright child. "Because. I don't want anyone so much as looking at my girl wrong."
"But we get chased out of there every single time we go shopping!"
They rode along in silence for a few minutes. Ryou's arms were around Malik's waist, and his head was resting on Malik's back. The ride was as smooth as it usually was, and Ryou looked through sleepy eyes at the field that was behind the schoolyard of Domino Highschool.
The tranquility was broken by the squealing of The Glory of Ra's wheels, some loud and frantic cursing by Malik, and a squirrel squeaking angrily before running off. Ryou landed on his back in the tall grass, squinting into the sun of the perfect summer day. Malik landed on top of him a few seconds later.
"Well, well. Fancy meeting you here," Malik smirked, straddling Ryou's stomach.
"Wha' the bloody..." Ryou was less than articulate, and Malik looked at him worriedly.
"Are you hurt?"
"No, not really. Just a little shaken up." The pale boy shook his head, coming back to his senses. "What happened?"
"Damn squirrel," Malik replied. "I woulda hit it a few months ago... You're making me damn soft, Ryou!"
Ryou looked into Malik's face. "This is comfortable." The sun was warm, and the sky was blue and cloudless. Ryou remembered coming into this field during lunch to be alone before he'd had any friends at school, before he'd met Malik. It was still tranquil.
"This is," Malik replied.
He decided that speed, not stealth, was the way to go, so he unzipped Ryou's pants before the British boy had a chance to protest. In fact, Ryou sat up and almost stood before he realized that his pants remained on the ground.
Looking down at a grinning Malik, Ryou groaned, "What is your fascination with my pants today? I need these, they're my favorite pair!"
Malik looked up at Ryou earnestly. Ryou thought that the pretty Egyptian boy would come out with some cosmic truth about Ryou's jeans– maybe they were the host of an ancient Egyptian God-monster?– but he thought wrong. "I want to fuck."
"What?" Ryou was sure he'd heard incorrectly. Shaking his head, he asked again, "Huh?"
"I want to fuck," Malik repeated matter-of-factly, and then, remembering his manners, he added, "Please."
"No, Malik, I can't." Ryou felt guilty at the sad look the Egyptian boy was giving him. "I want to wait until we can have, you know... Some sort of commitment. Not a wedding or anything. I just want us to only be with each other."
Malik blushed, and looked away. "I'm not going to sleep around anymore, Ryou. That was so last year. Like evil cult member robes, and making people into mind slaves."
Ryou looked up at Malik. "Well, you just ruined any chance you had." He sounded so betrayed that Malik couldn't look his boyfriend in the eye.
"Please, Ryou? Please?"
Malik decided to use his secret weapon. He widened his eyes, which began to water slightly at the corners, and he pushed his bottom lip out into an adorable little pout. "Puuuuuh-leeeeeaaase?"
"No," Ryou replied, but he was faltering. He couldn't withstand Malik's "cute" face for more than a minute, so he amended his reply to "Well, convince me."
Malik grinned and jumped up, grabbing Ryou's hand and pulling the British boy with him. "I'll show you... Yaoi is FUN!"
Ryou cocked his head to one side, completely bewildered. "Fun?"
"No!" Malik looked manic. "FUN!" And then, to Ryou's utter horror, the blonde began to sing:
"F is for Fucking isn't a bad thing!
"U is for Uke– that's you!
"N is for aNywhere, aNytime at all you want to get laid, Ryou!"
Ryou's already large eyes widened, and he doubled over laughing. "Malik!" He was laughing so hard that he could only gasp words out between bursts of giggles. "That... That convinced me...it was hilarious! But...when did you think that...up?"
Malik winked. "Trade secret, beauty. But I can show you the true meaning of FUN, if you want me to."
"Alright..." Ryou had barely gotten the agreement out of his mouth before Malik eased him to the ground and they both started shedding clothes.
An hour and a half later, the two were back on The Glory of Ra, speeding down the highway so they'd make it to the summer party that Yuugi was throwing, Ryou wincing and rubbing his backside every time they hit a bump.
Malik turned around. Ryou screamed, "Are you mad! You'll bloody get us both killed!"
"I've got it under control. Besides, don't you want to know the moral of today?"
"You can't say anything about morals, Malik. You're one of the most immoral people I know."
Malik rolled his eyes and stopped The Glory of Ra just as the motorbike was about to rear-end Kaiba's limo. "Alright then. The lesson of today–"
Ryou cut Malik off, shaking his head as the two dismounted and started walking to Yuugi's front door. "You can't say anything about lessons either. You cut all but the first day of school last year!"
They reached the stoop of Yuugi's grandfather's house. Malik, desperate to get his thought across to Ryou, said, "Okay. What we can all remember from today is that having sex with me is FUN. Not fun, but FUN."
Malik rang the doorbell. Ryou giggled, and replied, "Nor can you say anything about memories. You forgot your pants back in the field."
O.o Well, hope you liked that pointless little one-shot. Once again, I've got no clue where it came from...