Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, JK Rowling does, and her work definitely doesn't deserve this.
…Oh, Harry left her amid angst and emo
But years later they're all having a grand old time-o
Married to Ginny with a couple of kids
But that darned old Voldemort, he just won't quit!
Harry has to change the baby's diapers
And kill his mortal enemy too
You never know what'll happen next
He's about to go cuckoo!…
One bright summer day, the Dark Lord appears in the kitchen.
"Hello, Ginny. Love what you've done with the place. I'd reconsider the curtains, though." Ginny Potter's smile is brittle. She sets down the casserole she's just pulled from the oven.
"Yes, well, now we have to move again. I suppose you're here to kill Harry?" The Dark Lord nods.
"I'll go get him. Watch Daisy for me, will you?" Voldemort is left with Daisy, a three-year-old girl on a Big Wheel.
"Hello there. I see you've got another loose tooth."
"What did you get from the Tooth Fairy last time?"
A silence falls.
"Your parents are filthy blood traitors."
"Daddy seth you're a crazed mania thycopath."
"Yes, well, Daddy's going to get it this time. I'd kill you, too, ideally. It was a mistake to swear an Unbreakable Vow to kill him first. Your old man is surprisingly hard to murder, you know. Harder than mine was, at any rate."
"Why did you swear it, then?"
"Mommy hathes you."
"It's not my fault I have to cleanse her filth from the face of the earth."
Voices are coming down the stairs.
"All I'm saying, Harry, is that I don't like the two of you trying to murder on another in front of the children."Ginny sounds irritated. She and Harry emerge from the stairwell, Harry with his wand up already and pointing at Voldemort's throat. He's carrying Jamie Potter, age seven, and his eyes are on his wife.
"We don't mind!" says Daisy hurriedly. "Yeah!" chips in little Jamie Potter. "Its fun. I'm learning lots of curses." Ginny looks alarmed.
"Jamie! Is that why I've been getting calls from the other parents at playgroup? Naughty boy! What are the house rules?" Jamie considers.
"Never eat on the good sofa?" Laughter.
"The other one?"
"Never copy anything the despicable Dark Lord does?"
"Mu-um! Which curses can't I do, then?"
"Anything you hear while Daddy and Tom are dueling."
"Awww! Those are all the good ones!" More laughter.
Ginny glares at Lord Voldemort, grabbes both her children, (Jamie waving goodbye to more laughter) and leaves the kitchen, whereupon Lord Voldemort and Harry promptly start trying to do each other in.
"Ginny never did take to me," says Voldemort as he deflects a jinx from Harry.
"She's never really warmed to you since your Horcrux kidnapped her and tried to suck the life from her by feeding on all her deepest preteen secrets."
"So. Ha! Nearly got you that time you bas-"
"HARRY! NO SWEARING WITH THE CHILDREN IN THE HOUSE!" Ginny's voice rings out from the garden. Harry grimaces.
"I mean, um, you murdering…jerk."
"So," says Voldemort conversationally, "does Ron still jump whenever you mention my name?"
"Bet that drives his filthy Mudblood scum wife insane."
"Ha ha! Does it ever."
"Mudblood Scum," says an indisctinct voice. Harry ducks a Killing Curse.
"Time out for a minute, Vol." He walkes into the next room and comes out carrying the Potter's youngest, a baby named Albus. "Mudblood," gurgles Al. Harry looks horrified.
"Oh no! He heard you! Ginny will kill me for letting this happen-"
"I'm sure she'll be understanding."
"No," says Harry frantically. "The problem is, he's never spoken before, and now his first word is Mudblood! And Ron and Hermione are coming over tonight!" -Have him look at the camera with a horrified expression, then freeze.
Ha ha! Those wacky Potters and their ongoing rivalry with the Dark Lord. Will he ever kill them? Will Hermione be offended by Al's first word? Will Jamie get kicked out of playgroup? Tune in next week to see if Harry will be sleeping on the couch –again!
Yeah, the Dark Lord is wacky and he's crazy,
But when it comes to killing Harry he's never lazy
That's why we all love and scream for more
Of Life with Voldemort!
(Da da da)
Life with Voldemort!
All right, this was intended to be funny. If it did NOT wind up being merely stupid, as I fear it did, PLEASE review and tell me so before I delete it in despair that it is making everyone who reads it go: 'Whoa, this silverfingers is sophomoric and quite possibly insane, but not in a funny way. While I admire their incredible grammar, all their other fics must be very stupid indeed. I won't read or review ANY of them.'
So yeah. R&R?
The floor is lava,