Disclaimer: Invader Zim isn't mine. I just have no life.
Warnings: Fluff, Red is a pervert, ZADR mentions, Tallest slashyness, because they are reeeeeally cute together.
Notes: I suck at writing anything lately. I'm going through a Zim phase, a Yuugiou phase and a NightWalker phase (sorta) all at once, so my brain is filled with weird.
I love Red and Purple together, but all their fics seem to be rape fics. O.o They're ok to read, but I'm starting to feel really sorry for Purple and I need funny. Xmas brings me down. I've started about 50 Zim fics in the last week and I can't get any finished because I get distracted by tinsel. 'Tis shiny.
"Y' wanna know something really gross?" Red asked, laying on the bed and trying to touch his antenna with his tongue. He could almost do it, too.
"No!" Purple made a face, sitting at the nearby desk, building a little castle out of blue sweets. "Wait," he paused a moment, thinking. "Yes."
Red was used to this by now – Purple was insane. Insane but cute. Of course, he was a perfectly well balanced Irken individual. Not overly violent hardly at all.
"Zim's in luuuuurve." Red grinned, sitting up and wrapping the lavish bedcovers around himself. "With that alien. The one with the gigantic head."
"How do you know that?" Purple asked, eating one of the foundation sweets from his castle and pouting cutely when it fell down.
"Because I'm an all-knowing, almighty Tallest. Duh." Red stood up, his sheets trailing behind him like a cloak. "Also, I called Zim a few hours ago to tell him how much we all hate him again, and he was kissing that human thing. He shoved it under the table when he noticed me, but I could totally still see it 'cause Zim's a moron." The crimson-eyed Tallest explained.
"I'm not sure if that's cute or disgusting." Purple paused. "Which one do I think it is?"
"Disgusting." Red nodded. "Because Zim's involved."
"That works. So… they were kissing?" Purple seemed to be contemplating that, balancing the blue sweet on his tongue idly. Red was watching that snaky tongue, looking devious.
"Yep. I think they're going to do horrible, forbidden, nasty things to each other." Red guessed, because that seemed like something Zim might enjoy doing. It also sounded like something he might enjoy doing right now, with a certain very Tall Irken sitting in his room, playing with sweets. With that tongue of his. Damn that tongue.
"Oooh, yay." Purple clapped his clawed hands together, looking pleased. "Let's broadcast it across the empire!"
"Good idea, and also evil. Which is good." Red grinned wickedly. "But first…" The Tallest crept closer, trying to look innocent and still holding the sheets around him like a shroud. "Hey Puuuurple, have you ever wondered what it might be like to do those horrible, nasty, forbidden things?" He drawled Purple's name, twitching his claws in the air with the urge to just jump on his co-Tallest.
Purple cocked his head to the side in thought, tapping his chin with a long, spidery claw.
"Yeeees." He said finally, having given it a good, long thinking about. "It would be… sticky."
"And?" Red encouraged, knowing that Purple's slightly odd mind tended to work in a long, roundabout way, but usually got there in the end.
"And tiring." Purple looked up to see if this was a good answer, and Red twirled a claw in a gesture for him to continue.
"And… kind of… good… feeling?" The amethyst-eyed Tallest managed, grinning when Red nodded at him.
"Right! Wanna try it?" The sheet-covered Irken asked, looking completely evil. Purple's already huge eyes widened even more and he managed a squeak before he was knocked from his chair to the plush carpet.
"Do you have a brain-worm? Did Zim do it?" Purple tapped Red in the side of the head, squinting one eye. "No trying to kill me after hours!"
Red looked at the Irken pinned beneath him like he was completely stupid, which wasn't far off.
"I'm not attacking you, I wanna mate with you." Red explained patiently, staring flatly at his attractive co-ruler.
"Oooooh, riiight." Purple drawled, finally getting it. His eyes widened again. "What? What? Mate? With me?" He spluttered, looking shocked and slightly nervous.
"No, I want to mate with the couch." Red drawled, rolling his eyes. Purple looked relieved and slightly disturbed for a moment before he noticed the sarcasm.
"Stop confusing me! And get off me or I'm telling!" Purple squealed.
Red blinked in confusion.
"Who're you gonna tell? We're the bosses around here."
Purple thought about this for a moment, then pouted.
"Crap." He said. "Well get off me anyway. I don't wanna mate with you, you're a psycho and you'll do something horrible to me!" He whined.
"Well yeah, that's kinda the point." Red reminded him. "It may be horrible, but it's good horrible."
"That doesn't make sense! I'm not letting you near my – ooooh, do that again…" Purple trailed off mid-rant as Red stroked their antennae together.
"See? Feels good, right?" Red encouraged, leaning down and brushing their lips together. Purple nodded dazedly, giving a lazy grin.
"Good…" He mumbled, leaning up for another kiss and pulling the sheets Red had been wearing around them.
"Right! So you're going to let me mate with you, and it'll feel reeeeal good, yes?" Red pressed, leaning down a little further to snake his long tongue out and slither it up the side of Purple's neck.
"Promise?" Purple whimpered, looking up with big, innocent eyes. Red winced as his shrivelled, black little Irken heart did a happy dance in his chest.
"I promise. Now get naked." He ordered, attacking Purple's clothes. Affection was something he was going to work on one day. When he had nothing better to do, and Purple wasn't distracting him with his being-there-ness.
Dib and Zim watched on the large screen in the living room of Zim's base as the two Irken leaders went right ahead and did those horrible, forbidden things to each other. Dib was taking notes, while Zim stood with his jaw hanging open, eyes huge and a dark green blush across his cheeks.
"This is amazing! Actual footage of aliens having actual sex!" Dib said excitedly, scribbling in his little notebook.
"Those are my LEADERS!" Zim spluttered, pointing at the screen in horror.
"There's nothing wrong with sex," Dib grinned, finishing up his notes and slipping the notepad back into his pocket. As Zim continued to watch the screen in horrified silence, he failed to notice Dib creeping up behind him like Dracula behind an unsuspecting schoolgirl. That was… until Dib jumped on him and they both ended up on the floor, the human shutting the screeching alien up by crushing their lips together.
Across the room, sitting on the couch completely unnoticed and watching with interest, Gir cuddled his latest piggy friend.
"Taco-taco-taco." He whispered to himself, then burst into a fit of high-pitched, insane giggling.
The pig just stared at them all, wide-eyed and traumatized.
That was odd, and now I am hungry. O.o