Author's note- What to say about this story? It's a parody, and it's completely off the wall. I think Disney films are a blast to parody, and Mulan is my favorite. This is a gift fic for Violaplayer on livejournal. It was written for a Secret Santa project called Himitsusanta. No need to point out deviations from the movie, because there will be many. I'm trying to keep the characters 'in character' while still making it silly and fun, so expect some twists on the original movie. If you've not seen Mulan, you should be able to enjoy the story just the same. Anyway, hope this story's enjoyable. Happy new year!

Honor to Us All

A Parody of Legendary Proportions

Chapter One- Matchmaker Mayhem

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Long, long ago in the faraway land of ancient China, there came about a legend, a tale so epic and astounding that…

Never mind, let's just get on with story. Our tale starts at the Great Wall of China, which by the by, is in China. Now at that time, the great and powerful emperor Inu no Taishou had set up soldiers at posts all along the length of the great wall. To avoid continuous overuse of the word 'great' in this story, I'll assure you that the soldier protecting this area of the wall was not so great.

Nor was his monkey. Now his name, if you're curious, was Nobunaga, and his monkey's name was Hiyashimaru. However, being that they are mere plot devices in this epic tale, that's not all that important.

Unfortunately for the two, there was another monkey on the prowl this night…

His name was Naraku, the leader of a ferocious group from Mongolia known as the Huns. With an overly dramatic swoop of his not-very-intimidating yet somehow villainous baboon pelt, he came over the wall with, henchman and various other minions in tow.

"We're under attack!" Nobunaga yelled, "I'm lighting the signal!" The inept young soldier began to climb up the ladder leading to the signal tower, but promptly tripped. Noticing his distress, his monkey in arms came to the rescue and climbed up, lighting the signal for him.

However, Hiyashimaru was not alone in the signal tower. Luckily for him, Naraku didn't really care to bother with a tiny monkey. The Hun leader smirked as the torches lit along the wall, the signal having alerted the other soldiers to light theirs as well.

"I believe that, if you weren't a monkey, you would say Now all of China knows you're here," He remarked to the little critter.

"…" Hiyashimaru countered, mockingly, for what Naraku did not know was that this particular monkey was a black belt in Tae Kwon Doe.

…Actually, never mind, we'll leave the rest up to the imagination. Tae kwon doe primates are a bit too ridiculous for even this story. Needless to say though, Naraku's invasion of China had begun, and the only hitch was a few bruises from one little white monkey.

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"NOOO!" The Inu no Taishou yelled, eyes wide and horrified as he bolted up in his bed.

"Sir, Emperor, sir!" his commander stormed in, little green toad feet scramming across the floor as fast as they allowed. "Are you okay? We have awful news!"

Terrified expression returning, he questioned his family's retainer. "What is it… Jaken?"

"The Huns have invaded China!" He exclaimed, voice dramatic, as he was oddly honored to be the one presenting this news to his Highness.

"Huh?"

"Huns, in China your Highness!" Jaken reiterated.

"Really?" Inu no Taishou blinked, "Whew."

"What, sir?" Jaken gulped, "This is serious news, we must deploy the troops immediately right Inu no Taishou-your Highness-Emperor-sama!"

"Deploy the troops then, and don't ever call me that again!" He commanded, lying back down, "I'm just relieved…"

"Sir?" Jaken raised one toady eyebrow.

"I had this dream, nightmare rather… about this girl named Serenity who somehow seduced me and took me away to a magical castle called Hogwarts, where we had three kids, one of which was somehow half fairy," he shuddered involuntarily, and glanced next to him, more than slightly relieved to see his wife Izayoi sleeping soundly next to him.

"That does sound… horrible," Jaken felt goose bumps rise on his skin.

This narrator would have to agree, for Mary-sues make for a much more formidable rival than Naraku. But no matter, on with the actual story. It's about time we met our heroine, who is also asleep…

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DINGDINGDING

The incessant ringing of the bell her Mother had rigged to ring as an alarm every morning snapped Kagome awake. Finding that she wasn't quite ready to face the day, Kagome sleepily picked up a chopstick hair ornament that lay next to her sleeping mat. Eyes still bleary, she aimed it towards the bell… and threw. Her aim was quite good, for it speared the string above the makeshift alarm, causing the bell to clang to the floor and the broken string to dangle from her ceiling.

Realizing that the weight of the bell she was ringing has disappeared, Kagome's mother stepped into her daughter's room and shook the girl awake.

"Buh?" She blinked sleepily.

"That's the third bell you've speared this month," her mother remarked.

Kagome winced. She couldn't really help it. She had this awful habit of doing things without a single thought when she first woke up in the morning. Still, she was happy her mother was as laid back as she was. She never got more than a short berating for her bell-busting habit. "Maybe we should try a new kind of alarm Mama?"

Mrs. Higurashi, as that was their family name, sighed. "That may be a good idea, but not today."

Kagome's eyes widened. "Today is… TODAY!" she scrambled out of bed and skidded into the kitchen, stopping to say good morning to her little brother Souta.

"You know Kagome, you don't have to go through with this," Mama spoke, slight wavering in her voice.

"I have to go to the matchmaker Mama, it's required of all the girls in the village," she sighed, "on their fifteenth birthday."

"That's what today is," Souta spoke up. There was an obvious certain somberness to the trio in the kitchen. None of them were particularly keen on sending the only girl in the family out to be matched up to a man who could be a total stranger, for the rest of her life.

However, since the story is getting a tad bit serious, let's break it up a bit by introducing some comic relief. His name is Jiichan. Well that's not his name, but he's never called anything but in the series, so it works. He's Kagome's grandfather, and while he didn't want her to go to the matchmaker either, he at least found it in the kindness of his old heart to give her some good luck. Or so he tried…

"Kagome!" Jiichan entered the kitchen, a bundle in his arms, "I've created the perfect garment for good luck! You're sure to have no misfortune with my brand new holy paper lined silk slippers!"

The somber mood was destroyed immediately, and Kagome slapped her forehead. Indeed, the dainty little shoes were lined with paper Jiichan had blessed in the shrine of their ancestors. She knew they wouldn't work, as most everything her grandpa made didn't, but she humored him. However, she couldn't help but worry about paper cuts. Oh well, that's what socks are for.

"Thanks Jiichan," she took them with a wan smile. "I… think I'm ready to go now." Her voice shook, and nothing could hide her nerves. "They'll bathe me and everything there, right?" Kagome asked, seeming uncomfortable with the idea of being groomed by strangers.

Mama nodded, "It's not so bad Kagome. I went through it with no problem, although there was a different matchmaker back then. I'm sure the new one is fine though!"

Kagome leaned back and took a deep breath, "I hope you're right Mama."

Covering her mouth and chuckling, Mama pat her on the back. "Oh well, if it doesn't, you'll get to sing an angsty heroine ballad."

"…What?"

"Never mind dear, let's go!"

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Silence dominated the journey to the village. Kagome, Mama, and Jiichan were the ones who went. Souta perhaps, was lucky he stayed home. Once they'd entered the village, Jiichan reached behind his back and brought forth a round cage. In it was stuffed the most obese feline Kagome had ever laid eyes upon.

"Jiichan, where'd that cat come from? There's no way you could have hidden it behind your back," Kagome noted.

The man tapped his chin in thought before nodding, "Kagome dear, it came from a plot hole." Mama shook her head in agreement.

"…Okay."

Swinging the cat's cage into the teenager's arms, Jiichan cleared his throat. "And now I'm going to sing about it!"

For good luck, a fat cat

You surely can't go wrong with that

I… can't think of something thatrhymeswiththat

But you'll bring honor to us all!

"Jiichan, stop it!" Kagome yelped, and hugged the cat close to her chest. This thing is so heavy… "Umm… I have to say you should work on your lyric writing."

Crossing his arms, Jiichan defended himself. "I made it up off the top of my head. Plus, I had to sing at least a little bit of that song, since the fanfic is named after it."

"Fine, but what's with the cat? Isn't that something the Japanese use for good luck?" She queried.

"Ah Kagome," Mama spoke up, "But we are Japanese, we've just been cast as Chinese people in this story. That makes sense, right?"

"I guess…"

One trip to the bathhouse later, Kagome emerged fully groomed and looking like at lady at her finest. She didn't have an issue with dressing up in this manner, but she had to admit she was a bit concerned about the 'good luck' cat. You see, Buyo, as she'd named him, was shedding all over her formal garments. She imagined that if she'd hugged him closer, his fur would get stuck in the make up that caked her face. She was sure the matchmaker wouldn't find that all that endearing. Never the less, Jiichan insisted she bring the cat. And, she kind of liked his company; he was like a big huggable teddy bear.

The matchmaker on the contrary, was about as far from a teddy bear as you could imagine. Kagome thought upon entering, that her clothes were quite literally sharp enough to gut you. The thought was unpleasant.

"Higurashi Kagome," she bowed and sat down, glancing once more outside the door to where she knew her family waited.

"I'm Kaguya," she replied, voice haughty, "That's Kaguya, not Kagura."

"Oh, so you're the psycho from the second movie, the one in the dominatrix outfit?" Kagome clarified.

"Yes, her, not the wind user," Kaguya pushed her long black hair behind her back.

"Is she in the story later on?"

"Kagura? Yes, I believe so."

"Oh good! I like her," Kagome smiled.

Driven by the urge to randomly be a psycho bitch because that's what the matchmaker does (duh!), Kaguya forced herself back to the script. (This was unfortunate, because she rather liked Kagome's company.)

"What's with the cat?" The matchmaker snapped.

"He's umm… my good luck charm?" Kagome replied sheepishly, stroking Buyo.

Kaguya turned up her nose, "What kind of luck is he supposed to give you, eternal weight gain?"

She breathed in, keeping her temper in check. Well that was a sudden change of attitude… "He was fat when I got him. It doesn't mean anything."

"Never mind, pour the tea," the older woman motioned. Kagome did so with no problem, although she swore that the matchmaker was just waiting for her to do something wrong.

She was probably right.

"Recite the final admonition," Kaguya requested.

Kagome nodded and complied. "Fulfill your duties, calmly and respectively. Reflect before you act," she paused, "This shall bring you honor and glory."

She sneered, "A little more enthusiasm would be nice Higurashi Kagome."

The younger girl blinked and sighed, "Oh… sorry."

"Never mind," Kaguya moved to stand up, maroon cape slunk over her shoulders. "Come over here and stand."

Kagome complied, the plump calico feline following behind. Said cat, planted himself firmly on the rich fabric of the matchmaker's cape, although neither of them noticed until she stood up the rest of the way.

The weight of what felt like at least ten bricks jerked Kaguya forward, and she fell towards the table, catching herself but knocking over the tea in the process. One particular teacup splashed all of its contents on the matchmaker's face, the other fell on the ground.

"Oh, I'm so sorry Miss!" Kagome yelped, eyes wide and humiliated. Snatching a towel, she reached up to assist the taller woman in cleaning up, but slipped and fell herself in the process. The 'blessed paper' in her shoes had gotten wet during the accident, causing her to lose her balance. Grabbing on to the first thing she latched on to as she fell, Kagome moaned in mortification when she heard the rip of fabric and saw that she just had to have grabbed the very cape that started the disaster.

Kaguya's eyebrows narrowed in infuriation as she whipped off the torn cape. "You had best be able to afford me a new one you little tramp!" She snapped, stomping over to a nearby closet and swathing another cape around her shoulders. Kagome peered into the closet, surveying the contents.

"But that entire closet is full of duplicates of the same cape!" This confused her greatly, for she thought only superheroes needed ten copies of the same cape. Little did she know that it was actually the author's attempt at adding random humor because she thought it needed more in this scene.

"Yes, and each one is custom made," She countered, still furious. "Get you and your… lump of animal out of here now!"

Kagome gritted her teeth, temper surfacing. "Not fair! I did perfect until the cat stepped on your cape. It was just an accident."

Kaguya smirked, regaining some calm. "An ideal wife never allows for such accidents, don't you think?"

"No one is perfect!" She picked up Buyo and held him close.

"…I am."

"Oh really now," Kagome glowered, stepping towards the exit, "Well at least I'm not the one wearing a lobster over my boobs. I didn't want to come here anyway!"

With that as her final blow, the teenage girl stormed out of the matchmaker's and onto the streets. She ignored the stares of the townspeople, who had inevitably caught onto her failure and walked home, snuggling Buyo along the way.

Kaguya meanwhile, sat in her hut in deep contemplation. She stroked the red breastplate she always wore, revealing as it may have been. "Does this really look like a lobster?"

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Next Chapter- Jiichan the 'great' war hero, Kagome's decision, and cranky dead people!