Author's Note: I'm having serious writer's block for Learn To Love, so I've decided to put up a nice little one-shot that's a bit different from my usual style and tastes. This is my first That 70's Show fanfiction, so I hope any new readers enjoy this little tidbit.
Disclaimer: I don't own That 70's Show. Plain and simple.
By: Winter Sapphire
Jackie Burkhardt, I hate you. I loathe you. I wish you would just go away.
I hate the fact that you make me feel. I've been working my whole life to keep up my Zen appearance, only to have it destroyed when you came into my life. I didn't even notice it happening, not until it was too late. You came along, and I started to feel guilt, regret.
Man, I began hearing my conscience talking to me. Telling me not to steal this, not to beat that punk up. Telling me not to be like that idiot Kelso and cheat (like hell I would anyhow, but that's not the point).
I hate the fact that I can't think straight whenever you're around me. My thoughts get all jumbled up, and I can't even put two words together. It's horrible. Even worse, it's embarrassing. And I never get embarrassed.
You do know how that makes me look, don't you? Like a sissy, a moron… Like Forman. And that's not me.
I hate that whenever I close my eyes to go to sleep, your face penetrates my mind and I fall asleep with a smile on my face. A true, genuine smile I swore to myself would never cross my face as long as I lived.
I wish I could say I was sick of seeing your face, and I hate that I can't.
I hate the fact that you've got me caring about things that meant nothing to me before – my future, getting an education, getting a job that would be able to support a family. I've started actually considering what I wear each day, wondering if you would accept the way I look. I even attempted to comb down my hair (to no avail; the comb broke right away).
Did you know? I filled out college applications the other day and sent them to different colleges. I don't know what possessed me to do that, but I did.
Want an even bigger surprise? I got accepted to Wisconsin U already. Just got the letter today.
And I hate the fact that the Formans saw me with a huge grin plastered on my face when I finished reading it. I think Red thought I was stoned or something. I guess the look on Forman's face was worth it, though. He practically fainted.
I hate that I've started noticing the little things in life. I can't go a day without realizing that I love the color of the sky and grass – a brilliant blue and green. If I even catch the tiniest whiff of lavender, I stop in my tracks and look for you.
I hate the fact that I haven't been in the circle for a month. I haven't had any pot in weeks, all because I don't want to do something stupid and end up hurting you because of it. I hate the fact that I haven't had sex in months, all because you're not ready for me yet.
I hate the fact that we even started this in the beginning of that summer. I hate the fact that I couldn't stop it once we had started.
But most importantly, I hate the fact that whenever you walk by, my heart flutters. Whenever you look at me, I can feel my knees growing weak. Whenever you smile at me, the heat rushes to my face.
… And whenever you touch me, I want to say three words that are forbidden for a Zen master like me to ever say.
You know, looking back at all the things I said just now, I've realized something.
I don't hate you, and I don't hate everything you're doing to me. That's not it at all. What I really hate is…
I hate the fact that I can't say the three words that I know I feel, and that you have been longing to hear. No matter how much I want to, I simply can't say them. I don't know why, but it kills me inside that I don't know how.
People always say I'm incapable of feeling anything; that I'm incapable of feeling the one emotion everyone in the world has to feel at one point. Maybe that's why you seem so awkward around me right now, all because I can't say three little words.
And I hate that I am making you feel that way. Like I don't care. It hurts me as much as it hurts you. It gives me a pain that I can't stand.
That's why I'm writing this. To erase any doubt you have. I want you to forget everything else this letter has said and only pay attention to the three words I'm about to write:
I love you.
Jackie, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me. I know this isn't the same as me saying it to your face, but I just can't do that.
So this is what you get for now. I don't know if it will change anything, but I can't do anything more right now.
- Steven Hyde
That's it. I really hope you Jackie and Hyde fans approve of it, and I really hope that I kept Hyde in character. It was challenging, considering he's well… Hyde. I thought it seemed appropriate, though.
- Winter Sapphire