A/N: this was another fanfic dare, I had to use the quote "Here's the deal: you won't tell anyone that I'm a witch, and I won't tell anyone that you're a moron." I tweaked it a bit to make it fit, but i think it fits pretty well. I could only hear two people saying that: Hermoine and Ginny, and not just because of the 'witch' part, but just because..i dunno. just because, i guess. And I figured Dudley was the perfect target...
So this is set the summer before seventh year, just before Harry's birthday...
A Witch and a Moron
Hermoine sighed as she approached Number Four Privet Drive. She didn't want to be the one to retrieve Harry from this...place, but no one else wanted to do it, and as long as Harry was under seventeen, no sane member of the Order was going to let him go even to the bathroom without an escort. So Hermoine had been not-so-democratically elected to face the awful Muggles Harry lived with, being Muggle-born herself, the Order thought they might be a little more welcoming to someone so close to their world. Everyone else was going to wait in a Ministry car for her to return with Harry and his things.
As all these thoughts flowed through her head, Hermoine grimaced. She didn't like being classifed - even if it was nicely - as different from any other witch. She'd worked so hard for six years to prove that Muggle-borns were as good as anyone else - and she had - but it would never stop being an issue. She loved her parents, and her lineage, but it was just...so frustrating.
She realized she'd been staring at the house's facade for a good minute or two, and decided to finally approach the door. She politely rang the doorbell, and a tall, fat boy about her age opened it. He didn't seem to mind being impolite, he just stared at her in shock. Indignation rose in her, but she was going to keep a cool exterior, no matter what.
"Hi, is Harry here?" She asked in an oh-so-polite fashion.
"Uh..." was all he replied. He kept staring at her - examing her like she was about to explode or something.
Finally, after another eternally long moment, Harry appeared behind the boy.
"Hey, 'Moine!" He said enthusaistically. She smiled - always count on Harry to lighten the mood.
"Hey, Harry," she replied nicely. Harry pushed the stuttering Dudley out of the way and greeted his old friend with a hug. Suddenly, somehow, Dudey found the words he'd been looking for.
"So you're...one of them?" He asked, half in shock, half incredulously - it seemed he couldn't decide which to feel.
"One of what?" Hermoine asked, confused. Harry rolled his eyes, and tried to tell Hermoine not to even bother with him, but was interrupted.
"One of...them." Dudley sneered at Harry. "You look normal. Everyone else who's been here to see him dresses like nutters or wears robes or something. You look normal." he repeated. It was true, she'd decided that in order to maybe get into the Dursley's good graces, she'd worn Muggle clothing - jeans, a tank top to match the intense July heat. Hermoine rolled her eyes, and began to get offended. Before anything could explode between the two, though, Harry ushered her inside and up to his room, where he promptly shut the door and began to pack.
"Do you ALWAYS have to deal with that?" She asked, completely offended by the few minutes of conversation with Dudley.
"Are you kidding? He was a prince just there!" Harry joked. "You should've seen my Uncle Vernon when my letters from Hogwarts came, saying I'd been accepted. He burnt them all, but they kept coming - so he boarded up our mail slot, locked the doors and windows - even took us away on a 'vacation' so I wouldn't get them."
Hermoine's mouth was hanging open at the thought, "Then how'd you get to finally read one?"
"Hagrid had to hunt us down and tell me face to face." Harry smirked at the memory. "Even brought me a birthday cake."
Hermoine was furious at the thought of such...such...such gits! Not even Draco Malfoy was that hard to handle. Then she looked around his room. It was so bare, so sparse.
"You actually have to live here?" she almost whispered, "This is revolting. No one should have to live here!"
"It's better than under the stairs." Harry said matter-of-factly.
"WHAT?!" Hermoine yelled.
"Shh, they'll hear you and get mad." Just at that moment, Harry's door opened and in walked Dudley, looking like he owned the place.
"So you really are one of them?" He asked, uncertain.
"I honestly have no idea what you're trying to spit out - one of who?" Hermoine asked, seething but trying to keep calm.
"A...a...a wizard?" Hermoine choked on her own laughter. Dudley became indignant. "Well? Are you? You look normal."
"You've said that three times now." Hermoine said in her oh-so-Hermoine way. Harry appreciated the tone of voice, grinning at his friend, but Dudley didn't seem to feel the same way and got defensive.
"Well? Why? You look normal but you're here to see...him." Dudley sneered.
"Honestly, if you keep doing that you're face is going to stay that way. And I'm not a wizard." This seemed to catch Dudley by surprise, but he was happily surprised. "I'm a witch." The smile fell from Dudley's face, and Hermoine turned to Harry.
"Do you really have to deal with this every day? It's no wonder you don't go home during Christmas holidays. I wouldn't either." She stated matter-of-factly. Harry just laughed.
"He mostly keeps to himself, except for the time with the dementors. I don't see much of him - I stay here." The mention of the dementors sent chills down Hermoine's spine as she remembered how Harry was almost expelled for saving himself and his cousin two years ago.
"You saved him from the dementors?" Hermoine had a sneer all her own, now, just for this occasion.
"You mean they're real?" Dudley interrupted. Hermoine looked at him in complete surprise.
"You think they aren't?"
"I didn't see anything."
"Can you see the wind?"
"Are you still breathing its air?" Dudley just grumbled a response, finally seeing where she was taking this. "Just because you don't see it doesn't mean it doesn't exist." Harry laughed again, loving the treatment his best friend had for his cousin. At this, Dudley realized he'd been bested not only by a girl, but by a witch.
"You know, I could beat you to a bloody pulp. You..you...you witch!"
"Didn't your mother ever teach you not to hit girls?" Hermoine countered. Dudley's rage was barely kept in, as she continued. "Honestly, you think these people would have manners, but apparently I was mistaken."
"What do you mean 'these people'!" Dudley raged. Hermoine, in her confusion, just looked at him.
"I mean you and your parents." She simply stated.
"No you don't! You mean everyone who isn't...like you - everyone who's normal!" He continued yelling. Hermoine just laughed,
"Of course I don't - my parents are Muggles. I grew up as a Muggle. I like Muggles. I just don't like you."
"To be raised by...normal people and be...a...a witch." He said, almost frightened.
"Of course it is. Harry's Mum was Muggle-born - didn't you know that?"
"We don't talk about them much." he sneered. "Maybe I should just...run outside and tell Mum that you've brought another...another one of them here. Dad won't be happy, you know. He won't like it." Dudley threatened.
Hermoine just scoffed, "How about this:" she proposed, "You don't tell anyone that I'm a witch, and I won't tell anyone that you're a moron." She spoke as if she were speaking to a six year old, making a deal. Blood rushed to Dudley's face as he advanced on Hermoine, who instinctly drew her wand. "I wouldn't if I were you."
Dudley wasn't intimidated. "You can't use that! I know you can't! You'll get expelled from that school of yours!"
Hermoine just smirked back at him. "Actually, Harry can't but I can. You see, I'm of age, which means I can use magic as I please." With a swish and flick, Harry's packed trunk floated towards the door. "Now, if you'll excuse us, we're leaving. For good." Dudley's mouth was open in horror as he scooted away from the witch as fast as he could and ran to his room. The two friends walked down to the foyer and Hermoine dropped his trunk on the floor.
As they stood in silence for a moment, Harry let out all the laughter he'd pent up throughout Hermoine's squabble with his cousin. Hermoine still had a bit of a scowl on her face, but laughter is contagious, and once Harry started she couldn't help herself. The pair laughed for a few minutes, until Hermoine finally regained her composure.
"I can't really levitate it out to the car, but they're right outside so we can just carry it." She smiled. Harry was still chuckling, trying to control himself.
"Ok," he said, "Oh, 'Moine that was brilliant! I've never seen anyone stand up to him like that before."
Hermoine just smiled, "It would do him good to have more people talk to him like the moron he is."
And with that, the two carried Harry's trunk out to the Ministry car, where Harry was greeted by Ron, Ginny, Mr. Weasley and Tonks. They drove off to The Burrow without another word, and from his bedroom window, Dudley watched in disgust.