"You say that about all the sandwiches, Vernon!" Raz replied, giggling.
Vernon's eyes widened. "Attempts are being made on my life, Raz. Poison sandwiches? Deadly telekinetic bears? Religious icons of my choosing eating in the cafe?"
Raz looked over and saw Buddha chowing down on his cold-cut trio.
"He eats here on Wednesdays," Vernon mentioned. "But that's besides the point. We gotta find out who or what is poisoning, killing, hunting, or making out with me."
"Making out with you?" Raz asked.
"God's sakes, man!" Vernon yelled. "Don't you see my face in the morning? I'm a heavy sleeper. And someone crawls all over me and makes out with me with cheap lipstick that smells like citrus!"
"Mmmm, citrus," Raz mumbled.
"Raz. Tomorrow is Needless Psychic Murder night. I'm going to volunteer. You have to look for the kid that's attempting on my life."
"NPM night? Oh boy!" Raz yelled. "I heard they gave one kid Go-Gurt and he got cancer. It only happens every 10 years right?"
"Yeah. But anyway-"
Franke walked past, dressed up very fancily. "Oh hi Vernon. I don't want to go to the dance with you, and I would kill you, not crawl all over you and make out with you at 3 AM, while Nils records it."
"Okay, see you at seven, I might be late though," Vernon said. He returned to the real issue at hand: his sandwich. "Raz, check it for poison."
Raz opened it, looking at the bologna, white cheese, and mayonnaise. "Idunno," Raz grumbled. "This bologna smells like it's 2 weeks from expiring."
"Hey Raz," Lili said, sitting next to him. "What's up Vernon?"
"Vernon's going crazy. But anyway Lili, about the dance-"
"Vernon, can you leave?" Lili asked.
"Oh I'm sorry," Vernon yelled, "I didn't know you wanted to MAKE OUT!" Vernon threw his sandwich at Lili, next his tray full of mashed potatoes, then he picked up a table and bench, kids still casually eating on it, and threw it at her.
"Hey Nils," Bobby said, "Did our table just move?"
"Strange. Earth children must have the ability to move tables in orbit around their lunchroom. I require further study," Chloe noted.
"So when are you going to take off your helmet and make out with Bobby?" Benny asked, grinning, as Bobby elbowed him so hard that a crack was heard.
"Should the atmosphere be suitable, the dance."
"And where else would you go?" Benny asked, grinning, as Bobby threw his shoe at him.
"Possibly a well-aired closet or cabin."
"Man, BZ, you are so lucky," Benny said. "I wish I had the love of an alien girl."
"Any more smart remarks, and I'm going to light your eyeballs on fire."
"Sure thing boss!"
Oddly enough, Benny had a strange feeling in his eyes, and also began to scream terribly, dunking his head in the pool of mashed potatoes all over the floor,
"That's it," Ford said suddenly. "Lunch annihilation time. Everyone throw your plates out the window."
Raz sat confused as his plate exploded, sending shrapnel all over the mess hall.
"Oh man!" Bobby yelled, looking up to notice the chunk of plate in his hair. "This is the fifteen millionth time this week! Jeeeeez!"
"You are going down at the dance," Bobby said.
Raz giggled. "Going down at the dance... the innuendo wasn't meant, but it's still there."
He left, ignoring the shard of plate protruding from his helmet.
Vernon wore a laid back black tuxedo, entering the dance and making quite a scene, while Feel Good Inc. blared.
"Oh man," Vernon said, looking around at the revamped mess hall, as Phoebe and Quentin scratched up some tracks and laid down some beats. "This is phat," Vernon said.
"Vernon?" Raz questioned. "You seen Lili?"
"No," Vernon answered. "But do you like my tuxedo?"
"It's... You realize that..."
"I know, my mom bought it for me."
"No," Franke responded angrily, "it's a casual theme."
Raz and Kitty looked at her simultaneously.
"Not like I will be dancing, and or making out with you, of course."
"Right," Vernon said.
He took off the tuxedo, wearing his camp shirt under all of his ridiculous getup, throwing the tuxedo off to the side, where the crazed Cruller cooked it into a hashbrown.
"Oh man," Vernon said, as the rap portion of the song began. He cleared the dance floor around him, doing a headspin into a backflip back onto his feet, slipping them out from under himself, doing the worm as he landed, and spinning on his arm, eventually by one finger, touching his foot with his other hand, as he airguitared and lipsynched as everyone went silent, until he fell into a rolling position. As the De La Soul portion ended, Vernon embarassedly ran back to Raz, Franke and Kitty.
"Wow, that was rad," Franke said. "Like, oh-my-god-I-completely-am-in-hopeless-love-with-you-but-won't-admit-it-for-fear-of-rejection-due-to-the-fact-that-pressure-is-forcing-me-to-try-to-fit-in-so-I-feel-like-I'm-worth-something rad."
"Okay," Vernon said. "Can I have a Sunkist?" The child questioned. Cruller pointed to the cooler, as he took a big bite out of Vernon's tuxedo.
"Sorry I'm late, Raz!" Lili yelled, dressed up scantily in a skintight outfit that barely covered her, with fishnetting down her legs, high heals, and a very exposed body; her dress only ran up to her chest, cutting off at the top of her stomach and restarting at her legs - though it was more like a black bikini with some fishnetting added on.
Raz's nose started bleeding instantaneously, as he tried to look away so hard but couldn't.
"I'll get a tissue," Lili said, walking over to the tissue box, cutting up two strips and plugging Raz's nose.
"I-have to go," Raz stuttered, turning red, removing the noseplugs, as the color drained from his face, besides the blush.
"No you don't," Lili said. "I killed your doctor so you could skip the appointment."
Raz looked around, as Lili grabbed his hand, yanking him to the dance floor. "Now let's go!"
"Why didn't you dress up like that for me?" Franke yelled at Vernon.
"Um, because I'm a guy?"
"So you mean you value your masculinity so much you wouldn't wear a bikini for your girlfriend?"
"Girlfriend?" Kitty giggled.
"Um, Franke?" Vernon called back, confused, "It's not so mu-It's a guy thing."
"How come you can have a guy thing?" Franke asked, raising her voice angrily.
"Because you have so many girl things!" Vernon growled back.
Finally, Franke lost it. "WHY IS YOUR TONGUE NOT IN MY MOUTH?" She screamed, covering her mouth at the last second.
Everyone stared at them. They stared red-faced at the entire crowd of gazing people, indifferent yet interested faces adorned their heads.
Meanwhile, Bobby Zilch had his arms wrapped around Chloe. "So what's it like on your alien homeworld?" Bobby asked.
"Oh, we used to eat slugs for break-"
"Well actually, when asked questions, most humans kiss the person they're talking to, which is a sign of affection."
"Oh," Chloe said, taking off her helmet, revealing a hideous, lump-covered, moldy alien face. "Eyaaaaaarrgh!" Bobby yelled, diving out the window running out and diving from the Whispering Rock plateau into the lake below them, praying for death.
"Hey Chloe," Milka inquired, "Have you seen El-"
Milka turned completely pale as Chloe put her lips to hers, and Elton walked down from the TV room with a slice of pizza.
"No!" Elton screamed. "It's not true!" He ran, screaming to the window, diving out and following Bobby Zilch.
"Students," the real Ford boomed over the intercom, "Two suicides have been reported at the dance. You will now be returned to your cabins for lockdown."
Everyone ran screaming, as sentry droids poured out of the tree stumps, with weapons, shooting Maloof in the foot as he screamed, limping towards his cabin, as the spider-like droid shot him to his knees, felling him, and dragging him to the tunnel network with a tractor beam. "No, no, please no!" Maloof yelled, as it sucked him in.
"Wow," Chops said. "I hear his flesh is going to be used to help watermark all the camp badges."
"Shoot," JT said. "This is scarier than a gay cowboy movie."
As everyone panicked to their cabins, Raz fell asleep fearing Lili would embarass him further with her scandalous outfit, Vernon fell asleep fearing his iminent death at NPM night, and Franke fell asleep fearing that she would be shot dead by sentry droids when she sleepwalked her way out of the window and into Vernon's cabin. Lili fell asleep fearing the sentry droids would plant flowers and paint the camp hot pink, and paint smilie faces on all her clothes.
Maloof fell asleep forever.
"Man," Elton said, "It's a good thing I got this fish to save us, right Bobby? Now you won't pummel me?"
Bobby was going into conniptions. "She had bumps... growing out of her lumps... and the acne..."
"And then she stole Milka!"
"That's it," Bobby said. "We have to..."
Dramatic music began playing, as they said in unison, "KILL CHLOE."
"Whoa, that was creepy," Bobby said. "Can we turn off the music?"
I quickly tried to cloak myself again as the authorgear turned off. Luckily my omnipresence was unseen after that, once Bobby and Elton were swallowed by an Orca whale.
"I didn't know they had Orcas in a lake this small, and without salt water," Elton said, then suddenly he died of the logic plague.
"Don't hurt me! I'll be quiet!"
"Of course you will," I said, and I did what I needed to do. I got up and got a twinkie, leaving him to die.
Anyway, as I rebuilt the fourth wall, campers woke up. Specifically Clem, who activated the time vortex, warping them all to that night, as he created a wormhole and was sucked into it, never seen again.
"Wow," Lili said. "Did I just sleep 24 hours?"
"I suppose so," Vernon said. "Well, time to commit brave suicide."
They walked down to the camp reception area. "Alright, for this decade's demonstration, due to the administration's crack down and the horrible murder of 13 students who haunt the campgrounds today, none of which volunteered. We'll be practicing -"
"Wait," Vernon said bravely. "I'll be a volunteer on your demonstration."
"But that's stupid!" Sasha said.
"Well, he did volunteer," Oleander said. "Come on up."
"Wait!" Franke yelled. "There's something I've always needed to do!"
She tackled Vernon, beginning a gratuitous makeout that lasted for 2 hours and 16 minutes.
"Okay," she said. "You can die now."
Vernon sighed, walking up the steps to his death.
However, rather than a horrible psychic agonizing death, the tree finally gave way from being hollowed and fell on them all.
"Well that sucks," Raz said.
"Hey, shouldn't we have a cheesy romantic ending?" Lili asked. "Something that'll make the readers giggle, like if you accidentally tripped and-"
"No," Raz said, with extensive finality.