Evil R Us

Author: Smenzer

Genre: Humor

Pairing: None

Rating: PG

Teaser: Luke accompanies Palpatine and Vader to a Dark Lords meeting where he meets Voldemort and Lucius. Hilarity results.

Disclaimer: The characters are not mine. They belong to George Lucas and Rowling. This is just for fun.

Darth Vader stood at the mouth of the shuttlecraft, a black-gloved hand shaking in his son's direction. "Luke, I expect you to be on your best behavior at this Dark Lords meeting. It's a special privilege that Palpatine has decided to bring you at all, so do not embarrass him. These are very dangerous people you'll be meeting and you best remember that."

"I'll try," Luke said as he followed the tall dark figure of his father down the shuttle's ramp. "But I still don't see why I have to attend this meeting. I'm not a Sith."

"My Master disagrees." Vader replied as he paused to study the ramshackle house where the meeting would take place. In his opinion, this so-called Lord Voldemort was a weakling that relied on a stick instead of using real power and the state of his house seemed to prove that. The place was awful and appeared as if it had been empty for decades. Shutters hung at crooked angles to the windows and a few panes of glass were broken. The wooden stairs that led onto the porch looked as if they were about to collapse, the center of each board caved inward.

Luke gawked wide-eyed at the house and his mouth dropped open. "This place is a dump!"

"Luke!" Vader cried as he spun to face his son, angrily shaking the black fist again. "What did I tell you?"

"Uhhh…" Luke paused, mouth open. "Oh! That we're meeting somebody… a Lord somethingorother…"

Vader groaned loudly and placed a droid hand over his mask.

/Please do not let the boy call Lord Voldemort that to his face…/

"Voldemort." Palpatine corrected as he appeared at the top of the ramp, his cane in one hand. Slowly he made the descent and soon stepped onto the grass. A fog-covered cemetery was off to the right and gave the location a spooky air, not that this bothered Palpatine. The old man started up the walk towards the house without hesitation, his long dark robe trailing across the uneven square blocks that made up the footpath. Within moments he reached the stairs and climbed them. As he put his weight on them, the boards squeaked and moaned but held his weight.

"Come, Luke." Vader commanded as he followed Palpatine up onto the porch. "It's rude to keep our hosts waiting."

The Jedi hesitated. The place looked creepy and he had an uneasy feeling in his gut. Nor did he understand how he had gotten into this mess! He had just wanted to rescue his father from the Dark Side and instead of Vader running off with him as he was supposed to; he had gotten caught and taken to the Death Star! Then he had meet that old wrinkled prune and somehow he had become the man's new apprentice. Worst, he hadn't even agreed to it! "And here I am going to a Dark Lords meeting…"

"Luke…" Vader's mechanical voice prodded from where he stood in the dark doorway of the house.

"Oh, all right!" Luke cried and dashed up the steps, one of them cracking under his haste and crashing to the ground. The Jedi, however, didn't notice this and meekly followed his father inside. The interior, Luke soon found, was relatively clean but very old-fashioned. They trailed after Palpatine and soon found themselves in a large room where a fire blazed. Three other men were there and Luke studied each one with interest.

The first appeared to be part reptile and the Jedi had to admit he had never run across this particular species before. He had no nose whatsoever, just two thin slits that flared slightly with each breath. A midnight black robe hung from his shoulders and for some unknown reason he clutched a bone in one hand. Luke frowned, a shiver going down his spine. The alien, whatever he was, looked very disgusting.

The second man was the exact opposite of the first, stately and neat. He had piercing gray eyes, long white hair that flowed smoothly over his shoulders and wore expensive robes. Black leather gloves were on both hands, one of them holding a walking stick at his side. A silver snakehead with emeralds for eyes topped the ornate walking stick.

The third man was hunched over, big buckteeth sticking out of his mouth. His hair was in disarray and was balding at the top. Every few minutes he glanced fearfully at the lizard-like alien and bowed low, his hands wringing together nervously. Oddly enough, one of his hands appeared to be silver instead of the normal flesh color.

They were Lord Voldemort, Lucius Malfoy and Wormtail.

"Palpatine! How nice of you to come to our annual meeting." Lord Voldemort said with a big smile and motioned for them to sit. A circle of chairs was in front of the fireplace and Voldemort quickly claimed his usual stuffed one. He had just recently returned from the dead and favored soft chairs. Once he was seated, his eyes flickered onto Luke. "I see you have brought someone new with you."

"Yes," Palpatine replied as he sat on a hard wooden chair next to Voldemort. "This is my new apprentice."

"Wormtail!" Voldemort bellowed. "Go bring refreshments for our guests!"

'Yes, Master! At once, Master!" Wormtail bowed low and dashed off.

Luke hesitated, unsure if he should sit down with this group of Dark Lords. Shrugging, he took the chair between his father and the man with the long white hair. Turning to his new companion, Luke gazed at him with open curiosity. "Who are you?"

"Lucius Malfoy." The man replied smoothly. "And you are?"

"Luke Skywalker." The Jedi replied, ignoring the groaning sound coming from his father. Lately Luke suspected old injuries were bothering him and he intended to talk with him about it. "I'm studying to become a Jedi."

/He has forgotten the new name my Master has given him…/

"Really?" A dark brow rose up on Lucius' face.

"Boy!" Palpatine cried as he stretched forward and whacked Luke on the knee with the tip of his cane.

"Ooow!" Luke shot Palpatine a dirty look as he rubbed his knee. "Why did you do that for?"

"I thought I told you your new name was Darth Confundo? You best remember it."

Luke stared wide-eyed at Palpatine. "But that's not my name…."

"It is now, boy!" Palpatine commanded sternly, his red beady eyes focused on his young apprentice. "It suits you well I assure you."

"Why?" Luke asked innocently, his brows wrinkled in confusion. "What does it mean?"

"Trouble." Voldemort replied.

"Who's trouble?" Luke asked wide-eyed.

"You're trouble!" Palpatine bellowed angrily. "Now shut up so we can hold our meeting! I would have left you on Executor but you wrecked it single-handedly with that nonsense you cooked up!"

"Me?" Luke jumped up from his seat, his face flushed. "I didn't do anything! And I'm not trouble! You're trying to insult me with that name!"

Vader groaned again and he hastily grabbed Luke by his arm and yanked him back down onto his chair. "Son, what did I tell you?"

Wild eyed, Luke pointed a finger at Palpatine. "But he insulted me! He's implying that I'm a trouble-maker!"

"Would you prefer the name Darth Inordinatus?" Palpatine asked.

"I can't even say it!"

"Disorder." Voldemort translated automatically, a wide smile on his face.

"But that's not any better!" Luke protested loudly.

"Look, we ALL have two names!" Palpatine pointed out. "I'm Darth Sidious."

"But…" Luke stuttered, totally confused. "I thought you were Emperor Palpatine!"

"I AM Emperor Palpatine!" The old decayed man replied, frowning. "You know that! Now stop acting stupid!"

"But you just said you were Darth Sidious!"

"I am!" Palpatine confirmed. "You're just trying to incite something again, like you did up on your father's Star Destroyer!"

"Gee, you don't even know who you are!" Luke shook his head sadly. "I knew you were old but I didn't realize you were senile, too…."

"WHAT!" Palpatine cried, horrified. His mouth dropped open to reveal a black maw filled with yellowing teeth. "How dare you say such a thing!"

"Master," Vader quickly interceded. "The boy is confused…"

Wormtail appeared with a large silver tray of snacks and Vader raised his hand. Instantly the tray floated to him and the Sith Lord shoved the entire thing at Luke. "Eat."

Luke's blue eyes drifted down to the tray that was stabbing him in the chest and a smile broke out. "Oohhhhh, cookies!"

Lord Voldemort glanced around the room, his eyes lingering on Darth Confundo who was busy shoving cookies into his mouth. "Now perhaps we can get onto business?"

The others nodded their consent.

"My mission to kill Harry Potter as of yet has failed miserably." Voldemort admitted. "How goes your mission to wipe out those pesky Rebels?"

"It is all going according to plan." Palpatine replied with a grin on his decaying face, the recent trouble with Luke already forgotten. "As you can see I caught this Rebel and now have made him my new Apprentice. He has great promise power-wise but as of yet I have been unable to lure him to the Dark Side. Yet he manages to create mass confusion and chaos wherever he goes…a very interesting ability."

"Well, we must try to help you lure him to the Dark Side then." Voldemort stated as he watched Luke happily eating cookies. To his utter astonishment, Luke pulled a big jug of blue milk out of his clothes and started to gulag, the blue liquid running down his chin and neck. Wiping the shocked look off his face, Voldemort leaned forward. "Darth Confundo!"

Luke picked up another cookie and started to chew, ignoring the Dark Lord.

"Darth Inordinatus?" Voldemort tried.

Luke licked chocolate off his fingers.

Vader sat there mortified, thankful that his breath mask hid his embarrassment.

/That boy is going to get both of us killed…./

"SKYWALKER!" Lord Voldemort bellowed as loudly as he could.

"Aahhhhh!" Luke screamed, startled. He leaped off his chair and the half empty jug of blue milk went flying up into the air. "What? Who?"


The open jug landed on Lord Voldemort, instantly drenching him with milk.

"Mahahahahaha!" Palpatine laughed as he pointed a shaking finger at the now drenched wizard. His whole body quivered and he almost fell off his chair. He clung stubbornly with the bony fingers of one hand as the laughter continued to ripple out of him. It was good to see someone else on the receiving end of Luke's chaos!

Lord Voldemort sat there, frozen. His eyes blinked a few times and then he suddenly realized exactly what had happened. His robes, his stuffed chair and his body were wet with … with … the slits of his nostrils flared and his scaled face twisted up in disgust. "This stuff is SOUR!"

An appalling stench was wafting off the Dark Lord as he sat there, arms lofted up off the arms of his beloved chair as blue tinted milk dripped off him.

"Hey!" Luke complained hotly. "Now look what you did! You made me loose my milk!"

"Why the heck were you drinking sour milk?" Voldemort demanded to know, his voice angry.

"It's not sour!" Luke protested. "It's from a Dewback. It's supposed to smell that way!"

Vader gripped Luke by his collar and yanked him near his black breath mask. "I told you to behave! Do you want him to kill you? You've made him very angry and he can kill with a single word!"

"But …" Luke started to say but Vader clamped a mechanical hand over the boy's mouth. "Hmmmppphhh!"

Lucius had a black-gloved hand clamped over his own nose and hastily moved his chair as far away from Voldemort as possible, his normally pale skin taking on a green tinge. The chair scraped loudly on the floor as he dragged it until it was shoved up next to Luke's chair.

"What's the matter, Lucius?" Voldemort asked in an icy voice. "Are you not loyal to me?"

"Of course, Master," Lucius quickly stated. "It's just that smell…"

"It is very awful, isn't it?" Voldemort admitted, his own slotted nostrils closed firmly as he breathed through his mouth. His scaly face grew contemplative as a new thought occurred to him. "I know! We shall use this noxious blue liquid to kill Potter! We will stink him to death!"

"Huh?" Luke pulled free of Darth Vader's grasp and cautiously sniffed the air. "I don't smell anything…"

"Of course you don't!" Palpatine slapped the young Jedi down into his chair with the end of his cane. "You hang those awful Wet Wookie air fresheners in your quarters and they killed your nose!"

Voldemort waved his bone-like wand, instantly cleaning his robes and stuffed chair. "Palpatine, I now see why you call him Darth Confundo! The boy is a genius! We will send Potter a jug of the stuff immediately."


A short time later in the Great Hall, Harry and his fellow Gryffindors were enjoying supper. A scraggly looking owl flew in through the opening near the ceiling and dived right for the Gryffindor table. It carried a heavy blue jug in its talons and was all too glad to get rid of the burdensome package. The jug landed with a thud in front of a startled Harry and the bird flew off.

"What's that?" Ron asked as he gawked at it.

"I don't know…" Harry admitted as he stared at it.

"It has your name on it, Harry." Hermione pointed to the neat handwriting that was on the label. "And it says Dewback Milk, whatever that is."

"Maybe it's a gift from Hagrid?" Ron asked as he reached for the closed lid. Gripping it, he started to twist the cork open.

"Ron, I really don't think…" Harry started to say.

But it was too late. The lid popped free and the most awful stench imaginable came out. The smell quickly filled the entire Great Hall, eyes widening in shock, forks pausing halfway to mouths and nostrils flaring.


Lord Voldemort leaned close to the fire as he talked to Professor Snape. "So, how did it work? Is Potter dead?"

"I have footprints on my face. How do you think it went?" Snape remarked dryly as he rubbed at his big nose. "I must have gotten run over by every bloody student, including the members of my own house! They all stampeded out. And then that great oaf Hagrid took the jug to his hut, claiming it was the best cologne ever…"


Vader was pulling Luke back into the shuttlecraft, one droid hand secure around the boy's wrist. "Come, Luke. The meeting is over and we're going home."

"But we were just starting to have fun!" Luke protested loudly as he glanced back at the Riddle House.

Emperor Palpatine had just emerged onto the front porch with Lord Voldemort and Lucius. The decayed old man said his goodbyes and started down the steps. Unfortunately for him, he failed to notice the broken step and stepped into the gap. His body fell forward as he lost his balance and his chin struck the very bottom step hard, pain shooting up through his face. His leg was stuck in the opening and he started wailing like a siren.

/Now I'm really in for it…/

"Luke!" Vader intoned angrily as he waved a fist yet again at his trouble-making son. "I don't understand how you manage to do these things!"

"Do what?" Luke looked up innocently at his father's black breath mask. "I didn't do anything. Honest!"

The End!