A

3:30 A.M. Productions

Fanfic.

By

David Tai & Alan Harnum

"Pantyhose Tarou, I Choose You!"
------------------------------------------

"That's a big pokemon."

"Not the biggest I've ever seen."

"Well, it's definitely the _ugliest_."

Ash adjusted his cap, trying not to rustle the bushes they
were crouched behind as he did. "It's pretty ugly, yeah. But it
looks strong."

The Pokemon in question was about five times Ash's height,
and was human in shape, except for the fur, horned bull's head,
cloven hooves, small white wings, and the tentacles growing out of
its back. It's expression somehow managed to combine boredom
and being pissed off.

"Pika..."

He lightly touched Pikachu's head. "You're strong too,
Pikachu."

Pikachu beamed. "Pika, pika!"

Misty, one branch of the bush clutched firmly in her hand as
though for support, elbowed Ash in the ribs. "See what the
Pokedex says, Ash."

"I was about to do that. Geez, you're so bossy."

"I'm not bossy, and even if I am, it's only because you're
so dumb."

Brock sighed, Misty and Ash glared at each other, Pikachu
let out a soft 'Pika', then Ash looked away from Misty and
pulled out the Pokedex.

An image of the pokemon appeared on the viewscreen. Misty
frowned. "It sure is ugly."

"It's what inside a pokemon that counts," Brock said
sagely. "I'm sure it's got a very nice personality."

Misty snorted. "Well," she said, "I prefer my pokemon to be
a little more physically appealing."

"Would you guys keep it down?" Ash hissed, as he studied the
image. "You'll scare it away."

"I don't think Onix could scare that thing away," Brock
muttered. "I don't know about this, Ash. Something feels...
wrong... I've never heard of a pokemon even remotely like this."

"Pantyhose," the Pokedex said in its neutral computer voice.
"This rare pokemon is very strong and smart, but also obnoxious,
abrasive, and downright nasty. If given the chance, it would
probably gore its trainer, and anyone else nearby. The Pokemon
League does not recommend attempting to train or breed a
Pantyhose. If you should encounter a Pantyhose in the wild, do
not approach it. Do not taunt Pantyhose. Pantyhose does not
respond well to industrial cleaners. If Pantyhose attempts world
domination, alert nearest government official. The Pokemon
League recommends that you immediately run upon finding
Pantyhose..."

Ash switched off the Pokedex before it said anything more.
"Whoah."

"What a stupid name," Misty said.

On the other side of the bushes, a little over a dozen feet
away, the Pantyhose raised its massive horned head, as though it
had heard, and then turned back to whatever it was doing with a
thunderous snort that shook the leaves on the bush they were
hiding behind.

"What's it doing, anyway?" Ash asked, craning his head and
trying to see better.

Brock shaded his eyes with his hand and opened them a
fraction more from their perpetual squint. "It appears to be...
making tea?"

"That can't be a kettle, can it?" Misty said incredulously.

"Looks like it," Ash said, drawing up closer. "Think the
pokeball's strong enough for this one?"

Brock rubbed his chin. "I don't see why not, but..."

"Okay, then... Pikachu, get ready..."

"Wait, Ash.."

Misty's cry was too late, as Ash leapt into the clearing.
The Pantyhose spun around to face him, even as Pikachu
zipped in front of Ash, its tail raised.

"Pi-pikachu!"

Ash struck a dramatic pose, pointing at the Pantyhose.
"Pantyhose, I choose YOUUUUUUUUUUUU!"

And with that, Pikachu leapt to battle, while the Pantyhose
stared with an empty expression.

"I thought it was supposed to be a smart pokemon?" Brock
murmured to Misty, regarding the Pantyhose.

"Maybe it can't believe how stupid Ash is being," a grumbling
Misty retorted.

Pikachu seemed to hang in mid-air as it built up its
electrical charge. The Pantyhose's liquid eyes held an
expression of intense boredom.

Ash clenched his fist. "Pikachu, THUNDER--"

The Pantyhose uprooted a nearby tree, and swatted Pikachu
off into the sky. A mournful 'Pika...' faded into the distance,
as Ash stared at the Pantyhose with a mouth wide enough to cram a
Jigglypuff into.

The Pantyhose snorted, and lifted its massive arms...

And promptly flexed.

"MOMMY!" Ash said, fleeing.

"Oh for the love of..." Misty clasped her hand to her head, as
Ash dove for cover, landing next to her, his hat askew. She peered
back at the Pantyhose, prepared to flee, but the gigantic beast
simply turned around and resumed watching the kettle boil. After
a moment, it shook its head, the same gesture a human being might
make if it were astonished at the stupidity of something.

Brock pulled a pokeball out of his pocket. "C'mon, Ash,
lemme show you something. It's smart, right? So it's got to
have the same flaw all sentient beings higher than a cat has."

Misty and Ash blinked, as Brock stepped out of the bushes
into the clearing.

One thing ran through their young minds.

"WE'RE GONNA DIE!!!"

-*-

Tarou wished he knew where the hell he was. The storm
hadn't looked too big from the outside, and he'd been sure he
could fly through it. He'd been wrong. For the last three days,
ever since he'd woken up on the beach, he'd been making his way
inland, looking for something familiar. This whole place was
like some messed-up kid's dream. All the cities seemed to have
been named by someone with a two-digit IQ and a vocabulary that
only encompassed minerals, plants and colours. And he kept on
getting assaulted by all these stupidly cute monsters, often
accompanied by annoying children who shouted nonsense at him
right up until he began uprooting boulders and throwing them
around. It had gotten to the point where he wasn't even going to
bother with these three. Knocking their idiotic little yellow
abomination into the sky would suffice for now. He'd finally
managed to steal a kettle and chase away the campers around this
fire, and there was _no damn way_ he was--

"Hey, Pantyhose! Look at this!"

The Name.

Tarou rose, with the same ponderous inevitability possessed
by continental drift, and prepared to reduce the child to a stain
on the earth. How he had found the Name, he didn't know. But
he wouldn't share it with anyone else.

Then he saw what the kid was holding. A little round
ball... A source of power, just like ones Rouge had possessed!
With one of those, he'd be unstoppable!

Tarou reached out, casually swatted the kid upside the head,
and snatched the source of power as it left his now limp hand.
The boy crashed back into the bushes from which he'd emerged.

Pinching the ball between the thumb and forefinger of one
huge hand, he studied it. It looked a lot simpler than the ones
Rouge had. There was even a button. His rather limited
technological knowledge informed him that buttons activated
something. They must have been hidden on Rouge's sources of
power.

He pressed it, and the world filled up with light.

-*-

Ash leapt up, throwing a triumphant fist in the air. "All right,
Brock!"

Brock managed to grin through the tears, rubbing his now bruised
head. "Nothing to it."

Misty, meanwhile, had picked up the pokeball and was now
headed back towards Ash. "Here, it's yours," she said, trying not
to smile.

Ash cheered, holding the pokeball to his cheek. Misty rolled
her eyes, then put her hands to her hips, giving Ash a sly grin.
"Now how're you going to train it?"

"Um..." Ash said, as he looked around... just in time to see a
weary beaten-up Pikachu slowly crawl back. "Piii..." the little
yellow electric mouse said softly, before collapsing.

"Pikachu!"

-*-

It was only after Pikachu was taken care of that Ash gave a
second thought towards his pokeball. He examined it, then shook
it cautiously, saying, "Okay, look here, I'll train you to be the best
pokemon there ever will be. Okay?"

-*-

Imagine being crammed into the smallest space imaginable,
one with nicely-cushioned walls and pleasant, but completely
unmemorable music playing endlessly.

This isn't exactly what it's like to be inside a pokeball,
but it's close. Most pokemon not being all that smart, they
didn't much mind. Tarou, being very smart, minded quite a bit.

So when the voice of the kid in the stupid red hat began to
boom in his ears at a little below the volume of thunder, he
began trying to break free.

-*-

"Okay?" Ash said, grinning...

At least until the pokeball suddenly jumped out of his hands
and began bouncing around, as the Pantyhose tried to fight free.

"Wha... HEY! Wait! COME BACK HERE!" Ash exclaimed,
trying to dive for the ball.

Brock and Misty watched Ash chase the ball around, and then
looked at each other, then back at the PokeDex they were
studying.

"Think we should tell him?" Misty said.

"Maybe not yet..."

They looked back at the PokeDex, and let out simultaneous
sighs, as Ash continued to chase the recalicrant Pantyhose.

-*-

COMING NEXT from David Tai and Alan Harnum!!!

SEE Pantyhose evolve into Garterhose!!!

GASP at his new power!!!

WONDER at what drugs they were using!!!

WATCH as Team Rocket shows up for no particular reason!!!

MOURN that David and Alan are wasting their time on this, instead
of on the FANFICS they SHOULD be writing!!!

GAPE as two people who've seen six episodes of Pokemon
between them write a Pokemon fic!!!

STAND AMAZED at all the capital letters and exclamation points!!!

WAIT WITH BAITED BREATH as "EVOLVE, PANTYHOSE, EVOLVE!" comes out
someday!!!

P.S.--ALSO FEATURING 1,000 ELEPHANTS!!!

Authors' Notes:

Commentary, after being thoroughly read and considered, will be
fed to rabid wombats and wild dogs.

Alan Harnum - harnums@thekeep.org
David Tai - dtai@ix.netcom.com