"You played it for her, now play it for me. Play it for
me, Nigel. Play 'Lick My Love Pump'."

-John Constantine,
"John Constantine: Hellblazer"


David Tai & Rod M.

Dire Fates
A John Constantine: Hellblazer
Ah! My Goddess!

The Loose Ends:
Previously unseen extra scenes never used
and closing comments from the authors.



Candles flickered in the dark room, casting dancing shadows on
everyone sitting in the room.

John Constantine lit up a cigarette, leaned back, and blew smoke
into the air, as he sighed. Another meeting.


John Constantine: Hellblazer
The Trenchcoat Brigade


He was bored. Better things to do than to sit around waiting
with the others for the wanker.

He looked around.

Nearby sat a man in an olive brown trenchcoat, looking relatively
normal and non-descript. This was Doctor Occult. He would be
the most 'normal' one in the group... except for the fact that he
shared his body with a female side, named 'Rose'. John had some
respect for the man, as he was generally not unpleasant. At
least, he was more tolerable than the other two.

John looked at the other man sitting at the table.

A man with red sunglasses, dressed in a white suit, and wearing a
white trenchcoat muttered. John frowned. Mister E. He didn't
trust the bastard, despite his powers to walk into the future.
The man was disturbed. Saw everything in black and white. Then
again, that was all he could see, for the man was blind. Stupid

If he didn't hurry up, John thought, then he was taking off. In
fact, he was going to go. John got up...

The Phantom Stranger entered. "Good evening, gentlemen."

John sat back down with a sigh.

"The Fates are back in harmony," said the Stranger.

"No thanks to you, you soddin' wank," grumbled John.

The Phantom Stranger stoically ignored the remark. "And we have
a new helper in our crusade."

"Er? What?" asked John.

"Someone we know?" asked Dr. Occult.

"I hope you chose wisely," said Mr. E, idly caressing his knife.



Dr. Occult stared. John nearly let his cigarette drop out of his
mouth. Mr. E looked horrified.

Skuld, clad in a pink overcoat, waved happily.

John groaned. "Tell me you didn't decide to open a junior
branch of the Trenchcoat Brigade."

Dr. Occult frowned. "Isn't she a tad... young?"

Mr. E finally snapped out of his shock and held his knife in
attack position. "A woman?"

John winced. He'd forgotten about how Mr. E was with women...

"A _woman_?" asked Mr. E again.

"Keep yer bloody shorts on, E," said John angrily.

"Mr. E, control yourself," said the Stranger.

angrily at Skuld, pushing John aside with surprising ease.




"Well, that was some excitement," said John.

Skuld sheepishly put her mallet away. "Sorry, John. I forgot I
wasn't supposed to mallet anyone when you're around."

John smirked. "I'll let it go just this once, kid."


John sighed.

How did he ever agree to this? This was disgusting! He
almost wished he were back in the First of the Fallen's clutches.


John Constantine: Hellblazer
Guess Who's Coming to Dinner?


Keiichi ate his meal, smiling happily. He said something in
Japanese that seemed to make Belldandy happy, bordering on giddy.
She took a moment to gently wipe Keiichi's mouth, then sweetly
kissed him on the cheek.

He said something... sounded like 'skeeter' to John.

Belldandy said likewise.

Then they cuddled happily, generating a feeling of love and

John stood up. "I've gotta take a walk." He left, heading
towards the courtyard with a queasy look on his face.

Behind him, Skuld blinked. She could hear him faintly mumbling
something about saccharine and diabetes.

"Why did he leave?"

Urd shrugged. "No idea."

Behind them, Keiichi and Belldandy were snuggling closely to each
other, lost in rapturous adoration.


The cat seemed to be looking at John expectantly, waiting for
something to happen.

"What? Scat! Shoo! Bloody cat." John gave the cat a swift and
sure boot, sending it flying a few feet, over a fence and out of

That's when John noticed the odd stick-like object on the ground.

"What the frig is this?" He picked up the object, and
immediately felt the immense magic in it. "What the..."

Suddenly, a few blocks away, a loud explosion shook the ground,
sending a cloud of flames and debris flying. When the dust
settled, a demon stood.


John blinked. "Well, frig me."

Suddenly, the pen in his hand glowed brilliantly, blinding all.
He was levitated into the air and felt something moving around
his body. Before he could yell in surprise, the moment was over.

"What the fuck was... er..."

His voice seemed a little higher in pitch.

"Oh shite! I grew tits!"


John Constantine:

You have Mike Loader to blame, mostly, for this.


John ahemed, and posed, pointing the Rod at the demon.

"Right. In the name of the Moon, fuck off."


"And what," asked the titanic demon, "are you going to do to stop

"See this here Star Crystal Moon Rod thingie?" John waved his...
er... her magic rod about to accentuate the point.

"Yeah." It seemed unimpressed. "You gonna blast me with it?
Turn me into a toad with it?"

"No. Gonna shove it up yer..."


John frowned. He was back home, finally, with the stupid rod.
And Chas was laughing his ass off.

"Sod it, Chas, I look bloody stupid in this fuku."

"That ya do, Johnny. But yer arse looks great."

"Back off, ya bloody pervert!"


Rich's reaction wasn't much better.

"Quick, Johnny, use yer magic dildo!"

"Oh, VERY funny, Rich. Har-bloody-hah."


John slowly rose to his feet, unsure of where he was. One moment
he was testing out Cromwell's Infinite Possibility Portal, the
next he was face-first into concrete.

"Bloody hell..."

He seemed to be in the middle of a city somewhere. There were
also a lot of people running away... yelling something about...
an angel?

Ah, this he had experience in. Angels, no problem.

"Right then, where's the bloody..."

And then he turned around...

"Oh. Shite."


"Commander, the area isn't clear."

"What?!" Major Misato Katsuragi shouted.

"There's a... civilian confronting the angel, commander."

"Is that idiot insane?!" yelled Misato.

"Um, commander? The angel seems to be... um... retreating."

Misato nearly did a double take. "Er, what? What happened?"

"The civillian... um... seemed to have made a few rude gestures,
and he's, er, yelling at the angel."

Misato stared as the giant robotic creature, one of many which NERV
had code-named 'angels', just... walked away.

"Zoom in on him, I wanna know what the hell's going on!"

The massive screens of NERV headquarters all zoomed in on a
blond, scruffy looking individual that was in the middle of
making quite a few rude gestures, yelling at the top of his
lungs. In the distance, the angel was lumbering off.




Along the coast of Ireland, a solitary old man walked alone.
His steps were slow, but steady, and his eyes were constantly
looking out to the horizon.

This place had so many memories. He couldn't think of any place
he'd rather be at this moment.

This was where he would die.

John Constantine: Hellblazer

He sat down on the grass and simply watched the ocean waves
lapping onto the beach. They were soothing and almost hypnotic
to watch.

A sharp twinge of pain shot through his chest and John knew the
time was near. He felt disappointed. His death seemed
anticlimactic. Out with a whimper, not a bang. He thought he'd
die one day pushing the limits, going too far, and thus, out with
a glorious bang.

Instead he was wheezing on the beach.

What bullshit.

What had he accomplished? When he'd set out on the road of magic
so long ago, he'd had such grand dreams. He was going to change
the world! Yeah, he'd show the bloody establishment the right
way to do it!

Eighty years later, he mused ruefully, the world was still the
same old shitball it'd always been.

But dammit, he tried. He really did.

He had nothing to be ashamed about.

"No bloody regrets."

He felt a chill and drew his trenchcoat tighter around him and
wondered why his head was spinning.

"Hi John."

John smiled at the voice, a warm and soothing voice that he
hadn't heard in a while, then felt a warm kiss on his cheek. He
turned to his side and saw Skuld sitting there beside him. She
had grown up so beautifully, she had, resembling Peorth greatly
but with a less sultry and more a warm and caring demeanor.

"Hi, luv. Long time no see. Still beautiful, too."

Skuld blushed. "Thanks, John."

"So, what brings you here?"

Skuld smiled. "What do you think?"

"So I really am going to die."

She held his hand. "Don't think of it as dying. Just think of
it as moving on."

John grunted, but didn't comment. Instead he just stared out
into the ocean.

"I wonder... will it hurt much?"

Skuld smiled. "I don't think you have to worry about that."

"Oh? And why not?"

She pointed to something behind him. John turned his head
around and...

"Oh. Well. That's that."

... saw his own body.

He stood up slowly, noticing that everything seemed easier now.
Then he dusted off his knees, stretched a bit, and looked at

"So, what happens now?"

She stood up, stretching out her wings as she did, and embraced
John with wings and arms alike.

"Now it's time to leave."

The two faded from existence, leaving the cold shell of a magus
discarded and alone on the beach. Faintly, however, a voice
could be heard in the winds.

"... and this time, try not to piss off God."

"Who, me?"




Closing remarks: Why, man, why?

This fanfic all started when a bunch of people were sitting
around talking on a MUCK. All of a sudden, this one guy said,
"Hmmm, I want to try an anime crossover with Hellblazer," out of
the blue.

Y'know, I always thought that Hellblazer was kinda cool, thanks
to my friend who had a LOT of these comics, but I'd never really
gotten into it. But somehow, there we were, throwing out ideas
for what anime would fit in with Hellblazer.

(There's more than you think, but we'll write those later,
thanks. :) )

One of those brought up was Oh My Goddess! (Okay, so _I_
brought it up.)

Believe me, Rod (for that's who brought up the idea) was
skeptical. For one thing, Oh My Goddess is a rather sweet
romantic series about goddesses who came to live with a college
student. What did they have in common with a series about a guy
who regularly thumbed his nose with demons, cursed, and generally
functioned as an anti-hero?

But I just had this image of Skuld and John working together in
my head. So I sort of... talked Rod into it. He started it out.
And we sort of started blundering around, till we just said, the
hell with it, and sat down and worked out an actual plot.

And there you are.

(Well, it wasn't quite that easy. The biggest problem with OMG!
was trying to do SOMETHING with Belldandy. She, more than any
other story element from OMG!, just CLASHED with the portrayal
of John Constantine. So... well, we just sort of put her aside
till we COULD use her. And I'm not sure how Peorth ended up in
this story.)

Oh, yes, one more thing? Belldandy and Keiichi's story isn't
over, not yet. :) See, I ran a few Vertigo titles past Rod
that might mesh with OMG far better than Hellblazer did, and...
well, we'll just have to wait and see, eh? ^_-

-David Tai (dtai@ix.netcom.com)


Closing Remarks: Building a Mystery

I'd like to relate to you folks how this little
project began, if I may.

Mind you, this is my version. It may be wildly
innacurate, as I am very famous for my swiss
cheeze memory. (David's note: And lotsa typos.
Hunting down typos he makes is takin' up more
time for me than writing does. :P You can try
findin' the typos here, I'm done huntin' n'
fixing! Frankly, I'm surprised there are so
few. ^_^)

On a muck I frequent, me and a few other fanfic
writers were mulling about and the conversation
led to the Vertigo line of DC Comics. This line
is most famous for Neil Gaiman's 'The Sandman'
series, but is also noted for one other, less
heralded but still popular series: Hellblazer.

I wanted to do a Misc Anime/Hellblazer crossover,
but wasn't sure which one would do best.

-Ranma? Oversaturated market. And besides, come
on people, it'd be tacky. The genres mix like
oil and water.

-La Blue Girl? Heheheh... nah. I'm no lemon

-Phantom Quest Corps? The genres certainly do
mix, slightly. Both deal with the supernatural.
It had potential.

-Devil Hunter Yohko? Not a bad match, and I even
have a plot. Maybe, maybe.

-Blue Seed? I actually have a plot for this. I'm
still considering it.

-Vampire Princess Miyu? Perfect match, but nobody
could bring up a plot.

-Sailor Moon? Erah... WAHAHAHAHAAA!

-DragonBall Z? Oh please.

-Ah My Goddess? Well... the genres and past
histories of both series don't exactly blend
smoothly, no.

But... there was an AMG fan in the group. This
would be David. He had a plot idea. I listened.
I stopped him every now and then to kill a few
ideas, and encourage others... and slowly the plot
began to develop.

At first, I was under the impression that we were
going to team up Urd and John. Little did I know
David was a pedophile (JUST KIDDING! ^_^) er,
David was a big fan of Skuld's.

And then there was Mara. It was logical we use
Mara. She's a demon. John messes with demons all
the time.

Then there was Peorth. She... is very obscure.
Very, very obscure. I'm not sure if she's been
seen in the american comic reprints yet. We've
been writing her based on guesses and information
on websites, really.

Then there was Belldandy. I didn't wanna write
Belldandy. I didn't know how to, and truth be
told, she just didn't fit into the plot.

We shrugged and chucked her outta the plot :)

At first, it was just going to be John discovering
that nobody was at the helm of the Yggdrasil, and
Mara, Peorth, and Urd vying for control with John
as a pawn being used in one way or another by all
of them.

Didn't work.

That just wasn't right. We needed a villian.
Hrm. Garth Ennis always wrote the Archangels as a
pack of jerks, so there was our list of
candidates. And since Raphael is defined as the
one to oversee humanity, well....

Okay. The norn sisters are off to Japan and in
their absense, Raphael decides to give the Yggdrasil
a test run, resulting in disaster.

We wrote part 1 and half of part 2 with that in
mind. Then we had another idea. Bring in the big
bad boy himself, the First of the Fallen.

NOW we had the complete plot, as you see it.

And then Mike gave us the Sailor Hellblazer idea.
We laughed, we cried, we finished Dire Fates :)

What were we trying to say with Dire Fates? Was
there any political/religious message here?

Well, no, not really.

At the most, I guess, I'd say 'be nice to each
other'. That's about it.

-Rod M. rpm@thekeep.org


For the gallery and pictures to Dire Fates, please go to: