TITLE: Children of the Hatch
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Lost
PAIRINGS: Skate, Ana-Lucackhucko (read further to find out the nature of this particular ship)
A/N: This is a sequel to "Sawyer is a Romantic." If you don't want to catch up and read that fic here's what you need to know: Jack's name is Jose now. That's pretty much it :)
Also, I hope no one is offended by the stereotypes and tasteless jokes. It's all in good fun :)
Chapter 1: (parenthesis)/ A perfectly logical solution
Kate walked through the sparse trees that marked the space where the beach and the jungle blended together. She was coming from the hatch where she had just taken a nice, warm shower (because Kate loved showers) and was currently reminiscing about her time on this island.
It had been almost two years now since the plane crashed and so much had changed. Even though keeping up with gangster slang had proven too much for Jack, he still went by the name Jose and had even grown his hair out long enough to wear it in a ponytail. Charlie relapsed about three times. Jin spoke perfect English. And according to the scale in the hatch, Hurley had lost four pounds.
And oh yes, how could Kate forget? There were the babies. Tons and tons of babies. Lack of proper contraceptives and an abundance of horny castaways spurned on the island baby boom. Almost every women on the island had one now (some more than others). Even Kate and Sawyer had a baby. A beautiful little boy with dirty blonde hair that lay flat in some parts and curled up in others. He had dimples in his cheeks and tiny freckles gingerly sprinkled on his nose. He was easily the cutest 1 year-old on an island littered with them.
Kate was absent-mindedly drying her hair with a towel when she heard her name being called.
"Kate, where you at?" the person shouted again.
She followed the voice, immediately recognizing it as Jack's, and wondered what it was he wanted from her.
She found him crouching down trying to separate two fighting babies..
"What's going on?" Kate asked, walking up to them and picking up her son.
"Your kid was beating up Josefina!" Jack said, picking up his daughter. In actuality, Josefina was the more aggressive party, climbing over Kate's baby and trying to make him eat sand. "You're lucky I separated them in time. I just set her down for a minute and he was all over her," Jack exclaimed. "You have quite the ladies man on your hands. Though I don't blame him. Josifina's a beautiful baby."
This worried Kate, immensely because Josefina was not a beautiful baby. Far from it. In fact, she made other babies (and some adults too) cry by so much as looking at them. She looked down at her own baby, balancing on her hip, and wondered if she was actually raising a kid who could be attracted to that. She frowned and turned her attention back to Jack.
"It looked to me like Josefina was the one terrorizing--."
"What's his name today?" Jack asked, amused with himself.
It was common knowledge on the island that Kate and Sawyer's baby didn't exactly have an "official" name yet. They had waited until he was born to even begin thinking of names but a year later they still couldn't settle on one. Sawyer's choices were always so bizarre because according to him, "my kid's gonna be famous!" and so he named him the equivalent of celebrity baby names. Kate on the other hand, wanted him to grow up to be smart and she figured a nice smart name would do. As a result, the kid had a new name about every six hours. At this particular hour, Kate had chosen to name him Lesley.
Before Kate could enlighten Jack with the baby's new name, Sawyer strode up from in between the trees and settled himself next to Kate.
"What's wrong?" He knew something must be wrong because Jack was present.
"I was just breaking apart a fight between Josefina and your kid."
"Did she hurt him?" Sawyer asked, worried.
"It was he who was hurting her," Jack replied. "Honestly, Kate, you should be more careful about looking after him."
"You weren't looking after him?" Sawyer asked.
"I just left him outside to play for a little while." She turned an accusatory tone saying, "Where were you this whole time?"
"I was chopping wood!" (Because Sawyer loved to chop wood).
"As a parent of four children under the age of 1, maybe I can give you some advice," Jack began, placing his hands on his hips and taking an authoritative stance.
Jack was the parent of 4 kids under the age of 1 and he was quite proud of the fact. Ana Lucia had had quadruplets, 3 boys and 1 girl (Josefina) and the babies were Jack's pride and joy. Unbeknownst to him, however, was that on the night Ana Lucia conceived the children she had slept not only with Jack but with 3 other of the island's castaways. Their sperm found themselves in such a hostile environment that instead of fighting each other off, they banded together to make 4 different babies by 4 different men. Quite the medical miracle.
"First piece of advice," Jack said, "watch your child more carefully. I never let my children out of sight. "
Before Sawyer and Kate even had the chance to look around for the children that were supposed to be in Jack's line of sight, a baby peaked it's head above Jack's right shoulder. They realized that Jack had once again taken to carrying his kids in his roomy backpack (because Jack loved backpacks). It was a freaky technique because of how the babies would suddenly pop up at of nowhere.
The baby above his right shoulder was fatter than most babies ought to be and hairier too. He began nibbling on his father's ear but Jack hardly took notice.
"I mean, I don't know if you two know this or not but your child's a menace to this island!" Jack continued, to Sawyer and Kate's disappointment.
At this moment, Jack's second son chose to make himself known and popped up above Jack's bandana-dressed head. He was a completely hairless baby, bald as the day he was born. Right now he held a sharpened stick over his father's head and as he smiled, Sawyer and Kate noticed a bright orange peel in his mouth.
"Second piece of advice," Jack continued, "try and dress him better?"
Kate looked down at examine the attire of her son. The boy looked at her with a happy, four-tooth smile, wearing the standard white cloth diaper and a shirt Kate had sewn for him. The haphazardly made t-shirt bore 1 short sleeve and one sleeveless sleeve. She had tried to do a good job but it wasn't Kate's fault that she'd only sewn some drapes and Jack's side in al her life.
"My kids' bandana diapers might be a bit too stylish for your tastes," Jack went on, "but that's just an example."
Popping up ever so slowly above his father's left shoulder was Jack's third and most adored son. This boy was especially special because of his silent demeanor (he was never once seen crying) and because of the way his eyes were always fixed upon Jack (in a rather eerie fashion). Also, he was black.
"Third piece of advice; name him."
"Yeah? Well it's better than naming all my kids Jack!" Sawyer exclaimed.
All of Jack's son's were named Jack, but to his credit, they had middle names. He and Ana Lucia had compromised in that aspect. The fat, hairy baby was named Jack Hugo Reyes Jr. The bald, weapon-wielding baby was named Jack Juan-Locke. And the black baby was named Jack Eko. But Jack just called him Lil' Jose.
"At least they have names!" Jack retorted.
"You want me to clock him, Freckles?" Sawyer asked, steadily growing more and more infuriated with Jack's supposed 'parenting advice.'
Jack suddenly chuckled. "You can't even call Kate by her real name."
"Hey," Sawyer snapped. "It's an endearing nickname."
"Sure it is," Jack replied. "Because women really love it when you refer to their skin deformities as 'endearing nicknames.' Ana Lucia is just tickled pink whenever I call her 'cottage cheese ass' or 'stretchy skin.'"
The nicknames were apt. Ana Lucia had gained nearly 200 pounds carrying the quadruplets to term and had since them lost very little of the baby weight. Looking at Kate and how Sawyer had his hand around her back, holding on to her taut waist really made Jack jealous. There wasn't an ounce of fat on her body.
"Listen Jackass, we really don't have the time to stand around here and listen to just how fantastic your kids are with their fancy bandana diapers," Sawyer shouted. "Our kid might not have the best clothes on this here island but he's way better than anything you can produce."
"Please!" Jack said, rolling his eyes. I doubt you have the sheer stamina to create quadruplets."
Kate and Sawyer eyed the 3 boys above Jack's shoulders. They doubted very much that Jack had this 'stamina' either.
"Stop fighting!" A voice rang out.
Jack, Sawyer, Kate and all the kids turned around to find Locke standing 10 feet away. No one knew how long he had been standing there but he seemed to come out of nowhere, like always.
"There's a perfectly. Logical solution to. This problem!" He shouted, sagely rubbing his hand over his shiny scalp. "All this arguing about who's baby. Is better is not going to get any of you. Anywhere."
Jack observed the man and squinted. John Locke, always butting into everyone's business. "And what's the solution?" Jack asked, his tone undermining anything that the older man suggested.
Locke threw his hands up and announced, "The baby Olympics."
His job of providing wise words of wisdom was done now and he started walking away, leaving everyone to watch as a the otherworldly man left their presence. He turned around once more and angrily added, "You're not the only people. On this island with babies. And you all know it!"
Kate, Sawyer and Jack returned their attention to one another.
"The baby Olympics," they said, simultaneously.