Title: Vade mecum

Author: Duchess of Darkness

AN: This is to be my very first PoT fanfic, so please excuse me if I am rough. I have note quite practiced in making fanfics outside of my expertise or more favored fandoms... Still, please tell me what you think. I'm trying to fall back into the habit of writing again. I know I'm not back up to my standards, but I'd like to think that I'm trying and getting somewhere. Please tell me how far I have to work at it, okay? Much appreciated.

-----

It was the one thing he couldn't say. It was one word, then two, then three.

It was desperation and need and want that he couldn't handle - wasn't meant to handle.

It was a distraction, a pain, a burden that he shouldn't have to deal with - wouldn't deal with.

It ate at him and killed him over and over. This wasn't supposed to happen.

But... every time he looked at him... it just did.

It was inevitable, though. It was simply a cog of fate.

It was a simple spoke on the wheel of time, asking him to let go. It told him to let go.

It was a snag in his thread, a bump on his ride, a kink in his body. It was destruction.

It said to forget and move on and never look back. But he couldn't, really.

That would be impossible... because that was exactly what he had to do.

Why? Because he was leaving.

Why? Because he couldn't stay.

Why? Because he was growing up.

Why? Because that was part of life.

Why? Why why? Why why why?

Because. He knew he could never say those words.

They would never leave his mouth.

They would never reach his ears.

They would never ever be replied to.

Because. It wasn't meant to be.

So he will move on and step forward and never look over his shoulder as much as he wants to.

So he will say those silent goodbyes and flash that invisible smile and hide those nonexistant tears.

So he will sit on that bus and go to that place and lay down his racket as not to ever pick it up again.

Why? Because.

Just because.

Because he will never say those words

And they will never be heard

And they will fade away as if never thought of in the first place

As it was... is the one thing he could never say.

To Ryoma?

Never.

Not that.

---

AN: It is meant for you to decide yourself what he was trying to say. I know it's very vague on the surface, but there are some thoughts to go with it if one cares to think like I do. Thanks for the patience, and if you can guess what's going on, congrats; you're free to express your opinion of it if you want to, I just appreciate it that you took the time to even look it over.