Notes: Haven't seen the movie, just read the books. In other words, we can say with a ninety-five percent confidence interval that the other books (The Last Battle, etc) will also probably get bastardized, I mean, defiled, I mean… Yeah. XD

Disclaimer: By the Lion's Mane, I give thee my pledge that Saiyuki and The Chronicles of Narnia are not counted among my possessions. I am now just waiting for a thunderbolt to strike me for this great sacrilege.

The Ikkou, The Witch, And The Broom Closet

As cracked out by: nikoru sanzo

CHAPTER ONE

GOKU LOOKS INTO A BROOM CLOSET

"Aiiiigh! Sanzo's gonna kill me if I get lost again!" Goku whacked himself hard on the face, signifying by what death he should perish at the hands of the monk. He looked at the dark and towering fir trees around him, and then at the snow falling lightly from a pale gray sky. Not a single bird stirred the branches and the world was perfectly still. It was a stillness that both assured Goku of the welcome absence of youkais, but it was a calmness that somehow unnerved him at the same time.

"But… but…", he thought in a bit of panic. Something's not right. It was sunny and hot and dry and dusty outside the inn they were staying in. And here, it was snowing! Why, just moments earlier, he had run into a broom closet to hide after putting make-up on Gojyo's face while he was sleeping. With permanent red markers. That should teach the horny cockroach not to eat the last pork bun in a backward town that doesn't have a single restaurant! Well, maybe he went a bit too far, he thought, but you have to admit, the permanent lipstick and big red circles on the cheeks looked too funny on Gojyo. Even Sanzo should find that a good joke, wouldn't you agree?

Goku had hid in the broom closet, hoping to make the pervert Gojyo suffer a little longer. There were footsteps and then there was Hakkai's calm voice (which sounded like he was taking care not to burst out into laughter), and Gojyo's voice raised to a high pitch and almost a scream. Sanzo was coughing a lot, obviously not because of his cigarettes.

"I swear, I'm gonna kill that brain-dead monkey!"

"Stupid, yes. But not brain-dead. I give the monkey credit for giving you a long overdue makeover."

Goku's heart had leaped. That was the closest thing to a complement that Sanzo could ever give to him!

"There, there, Gojyo. I'm sure a little soap and water and a little rubbing with a pumice stone should wash it all off."

"Pumice stone! My face is not a foot, Hakkai! And when I'm through with that monkey…"

"Now, now, Gojyo. There is no need to involve the shakuji in this."

Uh-oh, things could get ugly. Instinctively, Goku had stepped back and knocked over some brooms and a bucket. Not stopping to wait and see if the others had heard him, Goku hastily got up and began walking away.

This was quite strange because there wasn't really any room in a broom closet to be walking around in. But the darkness just stretched on and on until he stumbled out into an eerie wintry wood. And that was how Goku found himself alone and shivering in the middle of nowhere, not minding the thousand painful deaths Gojyo would certainly promise him.

Not sure where he should be going to, Goku began to walk straight ahead. "Hello? Hello? Anybody out there? (Out of instinct) Sanzo? (Out of reassurance) Hakkai? (And out of familiarity) Uhm, Gojyo? Any chance you guys are already here?" he called out hopefully.

No one and nothing answered back. It felt like he had been going on and on for hours. He knew Sanzo will kill him for sure if he doesn't get back soon. But Gojyo will kill him for sure if he gets back at all. Well, it doesn't matter now. The unending quietness made Goku miss Gojyo's annoying hecklings, Hakkai's calming laughter, and Sanzo's constant yelling at them to shut up.

Goku's stomach rumbled. He looked down and chuckled, "At least you answer back to me. But I'm awfully hungry. Oh, I wish Hakkai was here with me!"

He sat down and leaned against a tree. Goku sighed and looked up, taken by the near-hypnotic effect of the snowflakes gently falling on his face. Another rumble from his belly shook him. Wherever the heck he is right now, he has got to find a way back to the others. Goku got up and just as he was about to turn back, he spotted something from afar. Out of curiosity, he walked towards it.

He could make out that the thing was a long and thin pole with a sort of glass box and a glowing object inside. Goku had never really seen anything like it in Togenkyo, but he felt quite sure that Hakkai, who has read a lot of books, would know what to call this strange thing.

It was a lamppost.

TO BE CONTINUED