A Charmed Christmas…

Told ya I'd do one, didn't I? I hope you're happy, I know it's like a week (or two) late but I've been lazy. So…whatever. At least you got it.

Disclaimer: the Government owns this story, Christmas, and-your-mind!

Summary: While still recovering from my last holiday story TCO and company portray A Christmas Carol and Phoebe finally learns the truth about Santa in a less than pleasant way. Merry Christmas! R&R!

The Halliwell family sat in front of the roaring fire, laughing about god knows what. Probably about how bad the show has gotten. My feelings aside, they all look like they're having a relatively good time. Piper snuggled in closer to Leo and sighed.

"This is going to be the best Christmas ever."

Everyone nodded in agreement and Phoebe decided to ruin the moment by adding:

"Yea, and I've been good all year so Santa's gonna bring me lots of stuff!"

Her somewhat smarter sister Paige shot Piper a 'should-I-tell-the-slut-that-Santa-isn't-real-and-the-one-she-met-at-the-mall-just-wanted-to-feel-her-up-while-she-sat-on-his-lap' look. Piper shook her head.

"Well I'm gonna go get some more hot chocolate, anyone else want some?" Leo asked as he got up.

"No thanks," Paige answered. Well, as soon as one idiot leaves another enters. Billie walked in the front door with a pile of presents.

"Merry Christmas Halliwells! And Paige." The Bimbo beamed and set down the gifts in front of the overly decorated tree.

"Wow Billie, you didn't have to get us anything." Piper told her.

"Good, cuz these are mine. I just want something to open tomorrow." She said and sat next to Phoebe on the floor.

"Why aren't you with your parents?" Paige tried to hide her annoyance and urge to kick Billie in the head extremely hard.

Billie sniffled. "Because they were kidnapped 10 years ago by a demon."

"That was your sister." Phoebe said in a high-whisper as she combed what was left of her Barbie's chopped hair.

"Oh…right…well, hey are those candy canes?"

"No, Billie, those are my toes." Piper told her. Just the fact that she had to explain this is to this blonde ho is why I hate this show now. Any-way, Leo finally walked back in.

"Hey Billie, Happy Kwansa."

"I'm not black." Billie said blankly.

"Hanukah?" He raised an eyebrow.

"Close enough," Billie settled.

Suddenly, (because this is getting boring) a swirl of red and green lights filled the room. (hey, I'm trying to be festive!) Seconds later Patty and Grams' bodies appeared in the middle of the room.

"Hello my darlings…and Phoebe." Grams greeted.

Piper, Phoebe, Paige, and… Billie went up and hugged them both. Grams had to practically pry Billie off of her with her powers.

"We just thought we'd stop by and wish you girls a Merry Christmas." Patty told them as they all sat back down.

"Oh, and Prue should be here soon too." Grams added.

"Great!" Billie cheered. "I liked her! She was nice!"

Everyone laughs.

"What? I'm serious."

All of a sudden Prue's voice echoed through the house.

"Yea, well I don't care who you the hell you are! You can kiss my ass!"

Prue appeared in the middle of the room just like the rest of her just-won't-stay-gone family. She was barely standing and was holding a carton of eggnog.

"Helllloooo! Wow, that's a funny word. Hellllllooooo! Wow, that's funny too. Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow…" Prue drunkenly ranted. "…weeoww…" She stopped and ran behind the tree and threw up.

"It's just like the good ole days!" Phoebe cried happily. "I'll hold your hair back Prue!" She ran behind the tree but Prue slapped her. "A little too like the good ole days." She whimpered holding onto her face where Prue had hit her.

"She's a mean drunk." Leo told Billie.

Prue finally emerged.

"Merry x-mas my beloved family." Prue said once most of the eggnog had seemed to have left her system.

"You too Prue, do you want some coffee or somethin?" Piper offered.

"No, No, I'm good ,thanks, so HEY where's the music? Let's get this party started!" Prue cried and chugged some more liquid cheer and started to dance. Phoebe stood up and started dancing too.

"Oh no, I think she's gonna break out in song." Paige warned everybody.

"He knows when you are sleeping.

He knows when you're on the can.

He'll hunt you down and blast your ass from here to Pakistan!


You better not breathe.

You better not move.

You're better off dead I'm telling you dude.

Santa Clause is gunning you down!" Phoebe sang then bowed. "Yay!"

"Very good Phoebe sweetie, highly inappropriate, but still." Patty said.

Prue finished dancing and threw up again.

"This is boring. And you call yourselves hookers." Billie pouted.

"No we don't!" Paige slapped her.

"Okay, who wants to hear one of the most parodied Christmas stories ever written?" Piper asked.

"How the Grinch Stole Christmas?" Phoebe stupidly replied.

"Yes, How the Grinch St…NO you idiot! A Christmas Carol."

Everybody 'oohed' except for Leo, who was looking at a Playgirl, then he 'oohed' but for a totally different reason.

"Wait…" Prue started. "This isn't gonna be like Thanksgiving, is it?"

"How so?" Paige asked.

"You know, Piper tells the story and everybody adds stuff until it ends up more morally wrong than Paige." Prue explained.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Paige demanded.

"It means Prue thinks you like girls!" Phoebe giggled and jumped up and down on the couch.

"You bitch! I'll…I'll…kill you again!" Paige screamed and advanced on Prue with the candy cane that she had been sharpening.

"Whoa, cat fight!" Leo cheered.

Piper did that annoying makes-your-ears-bleed whistle. Everybody froze in place and looked at her.

"Can I please just start the story?"

"Yea, I have to go to bed soon or Santa won't come!" Phoebe pouted.

"Fine," Everyone muttered.

"Alright…There once lived a very greedy woman…."

(Dizzy effect…)

(The Bay Mirror…it's dark and dank. Phoebe is sitting at a very high desk. Piper walks up. (because it works)

"I finished printing the Evening Edition like you asked." Piper said timidly handing the paper to Phoebe.

Phoebe looked it over and nodded in approval. "Good, now get back to work."

"B-But, Ms. I was hoping to get the rest of the day off."

"And why is that?" Phoebe asked.

"Well, because it's Christmas Eve. And I wanted to spend it with my family…because I'm loved." Piper said.

"Hmm, Lemme think…uh…NO! Now get back to work!" Phoebe screamed.

"Fine," Piper muttered and walked off.

Phoebe shook her head. "Sheesh, do I look like Santa-Freakin-Claus to everyone?" She asked herself.

"Wow, Screwge (Phoebe) is a total bitch." Prue marveled. "I like her!"

"Well that's because she was all alone in the world, the Editor (Piper) was her cousin. But everybody hated her…"

"Sounds like someone else we know?" Paige whispered to Billie. She looked blank for a minute then shook her head.

"Who?" She asked. Alex ran up and slapped her on the back of the head.

"Merry Christmas!" He said.

"Merry Christmas Alex!" Everyone except Billie replied and he ran off.

"Anyway…Later that night…" Piper started the story again.


Phoebe sat alone in the Conservatory. She sipped her tea and read the funny pages. There was a rustling from outside which made her jump. She got up and looked out the window; everything looked peaceful. She sat back down.

A few minutes later there was another sound. It sounded like someone moaning dirtily, and it was coming from the closet. Phoebe cautiously (but hopefully) walked over and slowly opened the door. Nothing.

"Okay, this is getting ridiculous." She said under her breath. She returned to her chair and began reading again.


There was a sound of a gong and Phoebe shot up. She groggily looked at the clock and noticed it was midnight. She got up from the chair and went upstairs to her bed…

Only a minute after her head hit the pillow a huge gust of wind filled the room. Phoebe looked at the window but it wasn't open. She pulled the covers up to her chin, as the gust grew stronger.

"Mommy!" She wailed.

"Wrong…" A voice said.

"W-who's there?" Phoebe asked in a shaky voice.

"It is me!"

"Who's 'me'?" Phoebe asked.

Suddenly the gust died down and a transparent Prue stood in front of Phoebe's bed.


"That's right." Prue smiled.

"What are you doing here? Aren't you…dead?" Phoebe gulped at the last word.

"Chyea, thanks to you! Prue screamed. And when she did all the lights flickered then exploded. Leaving the room completely dark.

"Prue?" Phoebe asked.

"Ya, sorry about that. Anger Management issues. Anyway, it's your fault I'm dead Phoebe! If you would've just paid for my drug habit I wouldn't have thrown myself through a wall!"

"B-but I thought drugs were bad?"

"They are…for you. For me they were what kept me from killing you week after week!"

"Oh no! You've come back after all these years to kill me!" Phoebe cried and hid under her pillow.

"You're such a cheap bitch, I should. But then you wouldn't learn your lesson." Prue told her.

"Oh thank you Wise and Powerful spirit!" Phoebe jumped off her bed and tried to kiss Prue's feet but her mouth fell through them and kissed the floor. "Eww.."

"Get up will you! You need to learn not to be so greedy…or somethin like that…I dunno." Prue said and started filing her nails.

"How?" Phoebe raised an eyebrow.

"Tonight you should be visited by 3 spirits and…"

"2." Phoebe interrupted.


"2, you're a spirit so now only 2 spirits are coming. 3 minus 1 is 2." Phoebe explained and quickly hid her calculator.

"NO! I don't count!" Prue detested.

"Oh, alright then." Phoebe said and pulled out an erotic picture book. (you didn't actually think Phoebe read, did you?)

"Ugh!" Prue flew at Phoebe and tried to take the book but passed through her. "Will you listen to me please?"

Phoebe sighed and set her book down.

"Thank you, now 3 other spirits shall visit you tonight to help you on your quest to a new you." Prue said calmly.

"That sounded sooo gay." Phoebe giggled.

"Quiet! They are the ghosts of Christmas Past, Present, and Future. If someone called the ghost of Christmas Cards comes tell him to go suck an egg. He's been out of work and has been trying to take our jobs."

"Uh huh, Christmas Cards, got it." Phoebe nodded lightly.

"You're not taking any of this seriously, are you?" Prue claimed.

"Well…I have had a lot to drink and…" Phoebe started.

"Shut up! I'm bloody serious! If you don't learn your lesson by Christmas morning you're screwed. And I'm not doin this again next year. No-sir-re. Next year I'm goin to Hawaii." Prue ranted.

"You have fun with that." Phoebe told her while looking at her book. She held it up sideways and another page unfolded. "Well, helloo there Mr. September." She whistled.

"I'm outta here." Prue muttered.

"Uh, did you say something?" Phoebe asked and lowered her book. She looked around only to see Prue had vanished. "Prue? Yoo-hoo, Squinty? Where'd ya go?" She shrugged and tucked her book back under her pillow and closed her eyes and drifted off to sleep, where visions of sugar plums and Mr. September danced in her head.


The sound of the damn clock gonging woke Phoebe up again. She sat up and rubbed her eyes and then looked at the digital clock next to her. One-in-the-morning.

There was a bright flash and then it was dark again.

"What the hell was that?" Phoebe cried. Getting back on the bed.

"Sorry bout that." Billie said. "I'm kinda new to this whole ghost travel thing."

Phoebe turned on the only lamp Prue hadn't broken and jumped. "Who are you?"

"Wait? You don't know who I am? Prue should've told you!" Billie ranted and pulled out a transparent date book. "Maybe I'm at the wrong house again. You are Phoebe Halliwell aren't you? Omigod, I'm sooo dead if I got the wrong person again! I gave that last guy a heart attack." She fumed floating back and forth.

"Hey! Calm down will ya! Yes I am Phoebe Halliwell and yes Prue told me you were coming. I just don't know who you are." Phoebe reassured her.

Billie sighed. "Thank god, alright. I'm the Ghost of Christmas Past and I'm here to show you Christmas…Past…and junk."

"Ok, let's get going then." Phoebe said, still not really believing any of this crap. She stood up revealing that she was wearing only a bra and thong. Eww.

Billie stared.

"What, don't stare. It's rude to stare." Phoebe ordered.

"Uh, you might want to change, cuz we're gonna be outside, and those things might freeze." Billie pointed.

"Hold on…" Phoebe pulled on a silk robe and some slippers.

"That's not what I meant…but whatever. Alright, let's get moving." They both moved to the now open window.

"So, I just…jump out?" Phoebe asked. One of her feet already out.

"NO! Here, take my hand." Billie held out her hand.

"Whoa, I dunno what you've heard. But, I don't do that anymore. At least not for free."

"Not that! You gotta hold my hand or else you can't fly." Billie clarified.

Phoebe pouted. "I never had to hold Peter Pan's hand." She took Billie's hand.

"That's cuz he only liked lil boys." Billie noted. "Ok, jump!" They jumped out the window and sadly neither of them plummeted to their deaths…maybe later.

"I can fly!" Phoebe cheered.

"Yup." Billie replied dimly. "You can let go of my hand now."

"I won't fall?" Phoebe asked as she looked down.

"How should I know? I'm new. Your hands are just really sweaty."

Phoebe let go of Billie's hand and….(sigh) kept flying. Darn.

"Hey, there's that cute guy who gives me free papers every morning! Hey! Up here cutie!" Phoebe called to the guy who was sitting out on the steps smoking.

"He can't hear you." Billie informed and pulled Phoebe out of the way of some birds.

"HEY CUTIE! UP HERE!" She screamed louder and lifted up her top.

"Oh, that's nasty! Put those away before you cut someone with em!" Billie covered her eyes. "Besides, I mean he can't hear you because you're a ghost."

"What? I'm dead? But there are so many guys I haven't slept with! So many people to give STD's to!" Phoebe wept.

"You're not really a ghost you idiot. Nevermind, we're here anyway." Billie said as they landed in front of a beat up old house.

"Eww, who lives in this dump?" Phoebe asked disgusted.

"Apparently, you. Or at least, the younger you. Look." Billie pointed inside the window. There was a man and woman sitting on the couch as 3 little girls opened up gifts wrapped in newspaper.

"Omigod…." Phoebe started sympathetically. "Look at those shoes! Where'd she get those? Payless?"

"Is that all you think about?"

"That and sex." Phoebe answered.

"Well, think about something else. Who are those people in there?"

"Hmm, over there holding the Barbie doll with only one arm is my sister Prue, she died when- well you know her. Then over there playing with the teddy bear without the eye is our cousin Piper, she works for me now, even has a family of her own. And that's me playing with the deflated ball. And those are my parents, mom died a year later, and dad left us with our drunk grandmother."

Billie smiled. "But look at those toys. What does that tell you?"

"That our parents were cheap bastards and we were stupid enough to believe that was all they could afford!"

Billie shook her head. "No, what is says is that you were all happy with what little you had. How can you not see that?"

Phoebe shrugged. "What I do see is a carpet in serious need of some vacuuming.

"C'mon," Billie grabbed Phoebe's arm and they were off again.

"Where we goin?"

"You're second happiest Christmas." Billie said blankly.

Neither of them talked. Phoebe just kept spitting at the people below them. Finally they landed outside of a building.

"Hey, I remember this place. This was my old boyfriend Jason's house. Hmm, I wonder whatever happened to him."

"He's gay now and in a serious relationship with a guy named Frank."


"Look," Billie pointed inside again, changing the subject.

There was a bunch of people inside. Some dancing, some over by the buffet table talking and laughing. Over with that group stood a somewhat younger (and sluttier) Phoebe next to Jason.


"This is such a great party Jason." Someone told him.

"Yea it is. And all the profits from the silent auction go to the Beat-Up Stripper's Foundation." Phoebe smiled and looped her arm through Jason's.

"It's no big deal. The girls need a little pick-me-up. Especially during the holidays."

"Isn't he great?" Phoebe beamed and kissed him on the cheek.


"Holy crap, he-is-hot!" Billie fanned herself dramatically.

Phoebe didn't look; she just smirked at the couple. "I forgot how much I liked him."

"Well then why did you two break up?" Billie asked as she regained her composure.

Phoebe shrugged. "I thought work was more important than a personal life."

"Wow, what an idiot." Billie grumbled. Phoebe looked at her coldly.


"Would you like to dance, Phoebe?" Jason asked.

She opened her mouth but as soon as she did her cell phone went off. "I'll just be a minute." She assured Jason and walked off.

Phoebe walked back a minute later looking a little depressed.

"That was Elise. She wants me to make some changes to the Christmas Edition of the paper. I gotta go."

"But baby, it's Christmas. Can't that bitch Elise wait?" Jason pleaded.

"I'm sorry Jason…But if I ever want to be anyone at that paper I have to work my ass off."

"It's our first Christmas together."

"I know, I'm really sorry. See you back at the house?"

Jason nodded.

"Okay, I love you." Phoebe said and kissed him.

"Love you too," Jason muttered as he watched her walk off.


Billie turned and looked at Phoebe. She looked like she was crying.

"Dude, are you crying?"

"Wha? No! Of course not!" Phoebe sniffled. "It's just too damn cold out here and it's making my nose run."

"Uh huh," Billie smirked. "Well, let's get out of here before we end up sharing a pint of Ben and Jerry's and stay up all night talking about old boyfriends."

"What are you talking about?" Phoebe asked.

"I've been watching Friends a lot lately, mainly cuz the fact that I lack friends of my own, traveling through time in all."

"Right, like that's the reason."

They turned and started walking to the street and stopped in the middle of it.

"When the clock strikes 2 you will be visited by another spirit. She will show you you're present."

"Ooh, I got a present?" Phoebe clapped her hands like a tard.

"No, forget it. I have another appointment I'm late for." Billie turned and started to leave.


Billie turned around.

"How am I supposed to get home?" Phoebe asked.

Billie simply pointed behind her and flew off.

Phoebe turned around to see a semi-truck coming right at her. She screamed and shielded her face as the huge truck slammed into her. She saw those little cartoon stars and birds fly in circles around her, ya know the ones….

Phoebe screamed and sat up in bed just as the clock struck 2. It sounded closer now, like right outside her door.

"I'm alive!" Phoebe cheered as she felt her body. (Not like that! Well, it is Phoebe, so maybe it was like that.)

"You don't have to brag about it!" A voice said.

"Not another one!" Phoebe moaned. Still feeling herself up.

"Yes another one." The voice said then transparent Paige appeared on the end of Phoebe's bed. She was painting her toes.

"Uh, are you the ghost of Christmas presents?" Phoebe stupidly asked.

"Huh? Is that what that slut Billie told you? No, I'm the ghost of Christmas Present. And I'm gonna assume from your lack clothes that you're Freebie."

"I haven't been called that since high-school, but yea, that's me." Phoebe smiled, seeming proud of the nickname.

"Okay, well, let's get this over with. I've got better things to do than hang out with a cheap-skate in lingerie." Paige said. "No matter what my parents say." She added through gritted teeth.

"O-k, So are we gonna fly again?" Phoebe asked standing up.

"Nooo, we're not gonna fly again!" Paige mocked. "We're taking a cab."

"Oh, well then just let me put on a thicker coat." Phoebe said.

"Don't, I think we can get a free ride from what you're wearing." Paige noted.


The two got out of the taxi and walked up to a small two-story house.

"Who lives here?" Phoebe asked.

"How do you not know? This is your cousin Piper's house."

"Right, I haven't been here in forever. But where is everyone?"

"Keep watching," Paige motioned inside then started painting her nails.

(Inside) Piper and Leo walked into the living room followed by Chris and Wyatt who were joined at the hip. Seriously.


"Omigod, I didn't know Piper's kids were stuck together. How'd that happen? Why is Leo picking his nose and wiping it on Wyatt's shirt?" Phoebe acted like she was playing '1000 Questions'

"You talk too much, ya know that? Just shut up and watch." Paige ordered.


"So did you ask your boss for a raise?" Leo questioned.

"You don't have to keep calling her my boss Leo, Phoebe's my cousin."

"Sometimes I wonder." Leo scoffed. "The woman is so cold and distant it scares me."

"Oh hush, besides, I'll ask her tomorrow when I go into work."

"You're working tomorrow?" Leo screamed.

"But mommy! It's Christmas! It represents the day Jesus came back to life as a soul-sucking zombie!" Wyatt cried.

"Yea, Christmas!" Chris mocked, painting his nails. That explains so much.

"I know, but…we need the money for the boy's operation anyway." Piper somewhat expositioned.

"It's okay mommy, we don't need the operation. We can saw us apart like they do at magic shows!" Wyatt told her.

Leo shook his head.

"This is too much. I'm going over to that witches' house right now and giving her a piece of my mind." Leo tried to act manly.

"Yea! Kick her butt dad!" Chris cheered.

"Chris! Quiet!" Piper ordered. "Leo, don't you dare!"

Leo slumped back down on the chair. "Fine, you never let me beat anyone up."

Piper shook her head and looked down at her watch. "Oops, it's time for bed boys."

"Ah!" Both boys moaned.

"Don't whine, remember, Santa won't come tonight if you two are still awake."

"Santa scares me," Chris muttered as the walked off.

Leo stood up and followed them upstairs.

"I'll be up in a minute!" Piper called. She closed her eyes and sighed. "Please Holly or Santa, if either of you are up there, send us a miracle. Oh and help Leo with that little problem he's been having in the bedroom. Much thanks." Piper muttered. She stood up and walked upstairs.


"Siamese twins? How is that even possible?"

"Every other birth in Leo's family has been conjoined twins." Paige said.

"But what's gonna happen if the boys don't get their operation?" Phoebe asked.

"They're gonna grow up out-casts, being picked on even by that one geeky kid that sits in the back of the class drawing pictures on their jeans. Only one will marry but it turns that she was too fat. One dies at the age of 75 then 3-weeks later the other finally kicks the bucket." Paige summed it up.

"Really?" Phoebe winced.

"How the hell should I now. I'm just the ghost of the Present. I don't know the future! Sheesh, do breast make some people dumb or what?"

Phoebe looked intently at Paige's lip. "Hey, I just noticed you have a hairy lip. I guess those hormone pills haven't fully worked yet, huh?"

Paige pulled out a knife and stabbed Phoebe in the gut.

"Ow! Why'd you do that?" Phoebe cried in pain as she fell on the ground.

"You were getting annoying. That and our session was over. Tell the ghost of Christmas Future I said 'sup'

Phoebe gulped and closed her eyes.

Freebie shot up in bed again. She put her hand where the Paige had stabbed her, all that was there was her hand, which makes sense. She looked at the end of her bed and noticed the clock was right there now.

"What the-?" She mumbled and started to walk up to it but stopped when the hands started to spin quickly and the middle of the clock grew bright, like a door. Suddenly Phoebe felt the clock sucking her into it. (that sounded wrong) She started screaming as she disappeared through it….

Phoebe felt like she had been falling forever. It was actually getting kind of fun. She could do back-flips and front-flips- and…ouch! She hit the ground with a loud 'thud'.

She stood up and wiped the dirt from her butt. She looked around and gasped.

"Why am I in a graveyard?"

She looked around once again and tapped her foot. "I said- 'Why am I in a graveyard!"

Suddenly a figure in a black cloak with the hood over their head floated up quickly.

"Sorry, I woke up late, then I got caught in traffic and…oh who am I kidding. I tried bangs and it didn't work." They said in a deep voice.

"I know how you feel." Phoebe consoled. "So are you the ghost of Christmas Future?"

The figure simply nodded.

"I always kinda thought you'd be a robot or a monkey from the Planet of the Apes or something." Phoebe said.

The spirit turned and stuck out its manicured hand.

"Oh, not you too." Phoebe griped and took it.

Fog circled them until it was so thick Phoebe couldn't even see her own chest. A minute later the fog started to fade. She sighed in relief when she looked down and saw her rack again. She looked around. They were in front of Piper's house again, only, it looked older. She looked in the window and saw Piper and Leo sitting on the couch crying. Piper was holding a small teddy bear without the eyes and Leo was wiping his eyes with a pink handkerchief.

"What happened? Are they crying because something happened to me?" Phoebe asked sadly.

The spirit slapped Phoebe on the back of the head. And they were enveloped in fog again. Seconds later they were back in the graveyard.

"What are we doing back here? Did you forget your purse?"

The Spirit pointed down to two small tombstones. One said 'Wyatt Matthew Halliwell & Chris Halliwell. And on the next one there was an arrow pointing to the boys'. It said 'You want that one.'

"Oh no," Phoebe said sadly and knelt down to it. She wanted to cry. "I'm so sorry boys. I should've bought those 'Cookies For the Terminally Ill' that you tried selling to me."

The Spirit put their hand on her shoulder and they were surrounded in fog again. Phoebe rolled her eyes and sighed.

They reappeared in a Mortuary with a casket at the front of the room. There were rows and rows of chairs but no one sat there. Phoebe gulped and walked up to the casket and waited for the worst. She looked down and saw herself staring down at herself…or something like that.

She looked around again. "No one came to my funeral, not even Piper, how rude!." Phoebe complained, putting her hands on her hips

The sound of a door opening made Phoebe turn. She saw Piper and Leo walk in. Piper was crying and Leo was playing with a PSP.

"I don't see why the hell we had to come. I'm missing figureskating because of this." Leo complained.

"Leo, my cousin just died. Could you show a little compassion?" Piper wept.

"For you sure, not for Stone Cold over there." Leo said and sat down still playing.

Phoebe watched as Piper walked over to her casket. She passed straight through her.

"Phoebes, I don't know if you knew this or not. But you were always more like my sister than my cousin. I wish you were dealt a better hand in life, but all I can do now is wish you were in a more peaceful place now. I love you." Piper cried and kissed her on the forehead.

Leo lifted up his leg and farted.

Piper looked up at him angrily and stormed out.

"What?" Leo screamed as he got up and followed. "Would you rather I burped?"

Phoebe wiped her eyes.

Phoebe saw the fog again then the Mortuary turned into the graveyard.

"Ok, we were just here!" She screamed at the Spirit who was pointing to two men who were digging a hole.

Phoebe looked at the tombstone over the hole. It read; "Phoebe Halliwell, she lived-she died-no one cried- and we all got pie…Amen."

"Who's this?" One of the guys pointed to the casket.

"Ah, that's that Phoebe Halliwell chick, the one that owned the Bay Mirror." The second guy answered.

"Oh, yea, she was hot. But a real bitch I hear." The first guy said.

"Yea, wouldn't even pay for her conjoined nephews' separation surgery." The second agreed.

"Sheesh, some people. Oh well, she ain't no one's problem but the worms' now." He said as they threw Phoebe's casket in the hole.

"Rest in Peace, Freebie." One of them scoffed as they started to bury her.

Phoebe turned to the Spirit who was leaning against a tombstone reading the paper. They quickly stuffed it in their rob when they noticed Phoebe was looking.

"Spirit, tell me, are these the events that will happen or may happen?" Phoebe pleaded.

The Spirit scratched their head and shrugged.

"Spirit please!" Phoebe dropped to her knees (not like that!)

Phoebe was surrounded by more fog as she tried to see the Spirit.

"Spirit! Please!" Phoebe cried.

The sound of an alarm clock shook Phoebe awake. She looked around as bright sunlight shone in.

She jumped out of bed and ran to the window and threw it open. She saw a kid walking by and screamed;

"Hey kid! What's today?"

"Sunday!" The boy screamed back.

"No, the date!"

"The 25th!" He screamed again.

"I mean the holiday! Say it's Christmas!" Phoebe insisted.

"Well if you already know then why the hell do you want me to say it?"

"Just do it!" Phoebe ordered.

"Ugh, it's Christmas!"

"Christmas? The spirits have given me another chance." Phoebe muttered. She ran to her purse and pulled out a $50 bill and ran back to the window.

"Kid! Here's $50 go to the store and buy the biggest turkey they have and bring it back here. Keep the change for yourself!" She instructed as she dropped the money.

"Sure thing lady!" The kid screamed and ran off. "Sucker." He muttered.

Well, when Phoebe finally realized that the kid wasn't coming back she went to the store herself and bought the biggest turkey. Then she went over to Piper's house. She knocked on the door.

Piper opened the door and saw Phoebe standing looking over a huge turkey.

"P-Phoebe, what are you doing here? I was just on my way to work."

"Phoebe?" Leo screamed from inside. The sound of a gun cocking was heard.

"Work-shmirk! Today's Christmas! So, Merry Christmas!"

"Okay, well, come in, I guess." Piper said as she led Phoebe into the kitchen.

When Phoebe set the bird down she hugged Piper.

"Uh, is something wrong? Are you dying?" Piper raised an eyebrow.

"No! And neither are the boys!" Phoebe cheered.

Piper's eyes widened at this.

"Get the whole family in here! I have an announcement!" Phoebe instructed.

"Uh, Leo, boys come in here!" Piper called. All 3 three of them walked in.

"Where'd we get the turkey from?" Wyatt asked.

"Phoebe brought it." Piper said in disbelief.

"Okay, boys, Code 5, just like we practiced. Step away from the bird, slloowwlly." Leo told them.

"It's alright Leo, it's perfectly safe." Phoebe assured them.

"What's the announcement Phoebe?" Piper asked once she managed to get the guys to sit down.

"Well, Oh, here! Just open it!" Phoebe couldn't contain her excitement. (eww, dirty) She handed an envelope to Piper and she opened it and gasped. She showed it to Leo.

"What the hell is this?" Leo asked.

"It's money for the boys operation! Oh, and there's some extra in there for the family."

"I-we-uh-um I'm speechless. I'd have something to say but I'm speechless… It's…I'm speechless." Piper ranted and hugged Phoebe.

Phoebe smiled.


Everyone sat at the table with a plate in front of them.

Piper raised her glass.

"To Phoebe, who for whatever reason turned over a new leaf."

"To Phoebe!" Everyone clinked their glasses together.

Everyone sat silent.

"Anyone wanna say something else?" Leo eyed Wyatt.

"I don't like turkey." He pouted.

"No, anything else?" Leo tried again.

"Oh yea. God bless us everyone!" Wyatt beamed.

(Dizzy Effect Out….)

"Santa… Oh Santa…." Phoebe heard Piper moaning. She opened her eyes and noticed she was back on the couch. She looked over to the other couch to see Piper riding 'Santa' like a happy little elf. Okay, bad analogy, but Phoebe's about to be traumatized here!

"S-santa?" Phoebe's voice trembled.

Piper stopped and both of them turned slowly to see Phoebe sitting there.

"Phoebe? What are you doing up?"

"Piper, what are you doing to Santa? Where's Leo?"

"Uh, Phoebe…" 'Santa' said, sitting up and buttoning his pants. (aww) He pulled his beard down. "It's me,"

"Leo, you're Santa?"

"No, sweetie, He's just Leo." Piper explained.


"There is no Santa." Piper added.

"But he's right there!" Phoebe cried.

"Phoebe! There-is-no-Santa Claus! He was never real! Leo just dressed up as him for m…you!"

Phoebe shook her head in disbelief and started crying. "No! You're lying! There is too a Santa! I heard him one year! He came then he said 'Ho, Ho, Ho!'" (wow, double meaning there. Lol)

"Ho, Ho, Ho!" Leo mocked.

Phoebe gasped.

"We're sorry you had to find out this way Phoebe, but, it's true." He said.

All three of them sat there quietly for a few minutes until they heard Prue screaming.

"I didn't say cut!" She screamed at them walking in with a video camera.

"What are you talking about?" Piper asked.

"Ugh, I'm directing a low-budget porno. And you three are the stars. Well, Phoebe wasn't till she woke up, but anyway. I'm calling it. "Ho, Ho, OH!"

"That's nasty Prue." Phoebe said as she and Piper got up.

"But.." Prue started.

"Goodnight Prue." Piper said.

Prue turned to Leo who just shrugged. "Hey, I'm open to it."

Prue got that maniacal look in her eye. "You wanna make our own movie?"

Leo raised an eyebrow. "And call it what?"

Prue thought. "I've got Cole in my stocking." (wtf?)

"Oh Cole!" The both called.


Ok, that was just wrong…I know it was a LONG story, but no one ever said A Christmas Carol was short. Whatever, anyway, I'm tired, so if you guys think this sucks I'm playing the sleep depravation card again.

Happy Late Christmas! Review and Goodnight!