Harry/Hermione- All The Elements Of True Love

A Harry/Hermione Parody

As Hermione walked down the streets of Hogsmede, a sudden feeling of true, pure love for her best friend hit her like a ton of rocks. "Oh my good golly gosh!" she exclaimed, dropping her bag from Saks Witch Avenue. She ran her perfectly manicured fingers through her perfectly straight hair. "My cousin from America, who I didn't know existed until this summer, was so totally right! I'm so in love with Harry!"

Meanwhile…

Harry was snogging his girlfriend of two months, American exchange student Angelica-Marie Jessica Shelby Jazmin Krystynala Jones, on the couch in the Gryffindor common room when she pulled away abruptly. "Harry," she asked, her wide sky blue eyes looking into his emerald green ones. "Do you think about other girls when we're making out?"

Harry looked at her perfect face, long blonde hair and blue eyes. She was so beautiful, and he was so in love with her. "No, why?"

"Well, because I do. I'm sorry Harry, but I'm not in love with you anymore. The truth is, I've been sleeping with three other guys, including your best friend and his sister. But, Millicent Bulstrode is my one true love, so I'm going to go snog her now. Goodbye forever." She stood and bounded out the portrait hole.

Harry was crushed.

"Oh my gosh! Whatever will I do without my dear Angelica-Marie Jessica Shelby Jazmin Krystynala Jones! She is the only girl I will ever love, and now, because she has dumped me, I'm going to jump off the Astronomy Tower and kill myself because I am so miserable and lost without her!"

After writing a note, he pulled out the cloak Angelica-Marie Jessica Shelby Jazmin Krystynala Jones gave him for no reason, pulled it on and ran to the Astronomy Tower, crying.

---

Hermione burst into the common room, devastated that Harry wasn't there. "Hey Mione," a voice called from the couch.

Hermione suddenly felt a streak of girl power coming on. "Ron Weasley, I'm not speaking to you because you will never save the world like Harry and you are just a jealous sidekick who hates Muggleborns and will soon become a Death Eater!" Hermione screamed, slapping him across the face.

Ginny came down the girls' stairs, but before she could say anything to Hermione, Hermione had another girl power moment. She walked up to Ginny and punched her in the nose. "And you, Virginia Weasley are just as bad. You're nothing but a two-timing whore who wants nothing more than to date the famous Harry Potter. How dare you date Michael Corner and Dean Thomas while you were still so obviously in love with my future love and husband! You should be ashamed of yourself for dating and kissing two boys that you had no intentions of marrying!"

Hermione breathed deeply and began looking around the common room for clues pertaining to where Harry had gone. She found this note:

To whoever finds this,

I have lost my will to live because Angelica-Marie Jessica Shelby Jazmin Krystynala Jones dumped me. I will never love again, because she was the light of my life and the hope in my world.

You can't stop me, because I'm jumping out the Astronomy Tower. It is symbolic of our love because that is the place where we shared our first kiss. It was so beautiful, I'm going to cry just thinking about it…

Harry James Potter

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

---

Harry whirled around when he heard the door to the Astronomy Tower open. A beautiful brunette with caramel and honey highlights, straight hair, a breathtaking body and large chocolately brown eyes rushed inside and stood in front of him. "Harry, I love you!"

Harry jumped down from the ledge he had been standing on and took the girl's hands. He was memorized by her beauty, and even more so when he realized she wasn't wearing any makeup. He didn't know such beauty could be natural. "I love you too, but I don't know who you are."

She smiled, revealing two rows of perfectly straight white teeth. "It's me, Hermione."

His jaw literally dropped to the floor. "Wow, what happened? You used to be so ugly and unattractive, but now you are perfect and gorgeous. Before, I never noticed you were a girl, I mean, you used to make Millicent Bulstrode attractive."

Hermione's smile widened and she leaned her forehead against his. "If I wasn't so hopelessly in love with you, I'd have another girl power moment. You should have seen me Harry, I really put Ron and Ginny in their places."

Harry hugged her and kissed her passionately. "That's my girl," he shouted. "I want everyone to know how completely in love with you I am."

---Epilogue---

Harry and Hermione were engaged a few days later. After drinking too much at their engagement party, Hermione wandered out onto a railroad track and was hit by the Hogwarts Express. Harry, in his depressed stupor, fell back in love with Angelica-Marie Jessica Shelby Jazmin Krystynala Jones, who had dumped Millicent after they had an argument, and they were married the same day as Hermione's funeral.

Harry died a few days later, for no apparent reason. Millicent and Angelica-Marie Jessica Shelby Jazmin Krystynala Jones made up and lived happily ever after with their 2.5 kids in an estate outside of London, while Ron Weasley went on to become a famous Quidditch player and Ginny Weasley became the spokeswitch for Saks Witch Avenue, Hermione's former dream job.