Series: Fullmetal Alchemist
Warnings: Mentions of kiddie!smex
"Wait, wait, wait," Roy said quickly, holding up his hands to try and make Ed stop. "Wait," he repeated for good measure, after Ed half-turned and raised an eyebrow at him. It took him a minute to catch his bearings enough to continue, but when he did what came out was, "You had sex... with your brother?"
He was suddenly very, very grateful that the door to his office was tightly closed.
Ed stared back at him blankly, clearly confused. "Yes?" he offered, as if he was guessing.
"Sex. With your brother."
"Yes." Now Ed was beginning to look annoyed; his eyebrow was doing that twitchy thing.
Ed's frank attitude was throwing Roy for a loop; it was one thing to have sex with one's brother and feel properly embarrassed about it, it was quite another to do so and not seem to care about the implications at all. Ed must not have understood him. Roy had thought he was speaking clearly both times, but obviously he had misled himself.
So he tried again.
"Sex with my brother," Ed finished, now blatantly exasperated, "yes, Colonel, we've covered this, can we move on?" Taking Roy's stunned silence for agreement, Ed said, "Anyway, Al and I were talking to the brothel owner -- well, I was, anyway, Al just kind of stood there and looked all body-guard-like. Seemed to work pretty well -- he is a giant suit of armor -- but the guy was being an ass about it all--"
"When?" Roy finally spat out, unable to process the concept.
Ed gave him another confused look. "When what? When did I go to the brothel? Have you been listening to me at all?"
"When did you have sex," Roy asked, and was barely able to spit the last part out again, "with your brother?"
Ed sighed. "Oh, for fuck's sake, are you still on that?" He gave up looking at the map and walked away, all but falling onto the couch in Roy's office. He yawned, adding, "As soon as you stop being such a fucking pervert, tell me so I can continue my report, okay?" He threw an arm over his face and propped his feet up, the very image of laziness.
"When did you do it?" Roy asked again, trying to throw more authority than shock into his voice this time.
Ed cracked an eye open and looked at Roy from underneath his arm. The eye narrowed as Ed seemed to get that Roy was not letting this go. "Last night," Ed replied sarcastically, rolling his eyes. Roy didn't reply, his brain only beginning to process what that would have meant. Noticing this, Ed sat up, gave an annoyed snarl and said, "Oh, GROSS, you sicko; I was kidding. He's a six-foot-tall suit of armor! I'm not going to do something just because I can't control myself, that'd be rude."
Roy just stared. All rational thought had left him.
"It was when we were kids," Ed explained, clearly relying on the small amount of patience he possessed. "After we trained with Sensei. It's not like we could do anything after the... that night, anyway, and that was around the time we first started caring in the first place." He shrugged. "I don't see why you're so shocked about it; I mean, I know Al's a suit of armor now -- and I'm gonna fix that --, but he hasn't always been like that." As an afterthought, Ed added, "Duh."
About then Roy decided it was time for him to regain some vestige of control over this conversation, lest it leap entirely out of his grasp and never make sense ever again.
"So you're telling me that you had sex with your little brother when you were kids," Roy repeated, ignoring Ed's dramatic sigh and re-flop onto the couch in irritation, "and you don't have a problem with it? At all?"
Ed glared up at Roy from the couch, making a face. "Why should I care? I love Al, and he wanted it, so it's not like I made him or anything." Suddenly, Ed narrowed his eyes at Roy, sitting up again. "You don't think that, do you? 'Cause I didn't, we both wanted to try it. You can ask Al yourself, even."
The very thought of calling in Ed's little brother to confirm this made Roy feel a little queasy, especially considering that Ed's little brother was currently residing within a suit of armor. Roy shook his head instantly, gesturing to make Ed stop.
"It's incest," Roy said to clarify it, crossing his arms in front of his chest.
"I know the term, thanks," Ed snapped back.
"No, it's just--," Roy began, and stopped. Thought about it. Noted Ed's complete ease with the idea of having sex with his younger brother (and Roy could not believe he had just thought that; where the hell had reality run off to?) Paused. Began again, "Incest isn't really looked well upon in ordinary society."
Ed didn't move but frowned slightly. "Look, I know it's not really common, but there's a lot of stuff that people don't like to talk about--"
"Incest isn't like that, Fullmetal," Roy interrupted. "A lot of people think it's wrong. Really wrong." And Roy had, up until this point, done so as well, but it was really more because he had never really thought about it than because he actually cared one way or another. As it was, the very admission of Ed's was causing him to rethink himself, if only because of the lack of shame in Ed's voice when he admitted it. Because it was Al, and Ed was never ashamed of his little brother. Ed made it very clear how much he loved Al, though Roy had never thought of this.
Ed leaned back against the couch, shrugging carelessly. "Well, fuck them. It's not like I go around waving it in their faces or any of that shit; Al's and my business is our own business, not theirs. I only told you 'cause you asked. And then asked again. And wouldn't fucking let up until I told you, and now you're being all weird."
"Well, Fullmetal," Roy defended, feeling a bit put-out, "when you said you'd had sex before, I just assumed you didn't mean with your brother."
Ed scoffed. Actually scoffed at him. "Right," he said after the scoff, "because I've had so much extended interaction with other people in my fifteen years of life." Then, considering, he said, "Okay, well, I suppose technically Winry counts -- though... no, that'd be weird--"
"That would be weird?" Roy repeated, eyes wide. "And sex with your brother wasn't?"
"No, not really," Ed replied. Then he made a face. "Why do you care?"
Roy paused, staring at his subordinate in wonder. Ed stood there, watching him, golden eyes narrowed in curiosity. He really had no idea about the taboo of incest, and as Roy looked at him, it suddenly came to Roy that there was no reason why he should. The Elric brothers' had lost their mother before puberty struck, and had depended on each other for so long that sex probably seemed fairly natural to them. If they had never given people reason to tell them, it was likely that no one had ever thought to mention it, especially in such a small town as Rizembul.
Roy realized that Ed was waiting for an answer.
He scrambled for a safe response, settling on, "I was just... surprised, that's all." Then he paused; it hadn't been easy for Roy to adjust to such a revelation, and he had known the Elric brothers for a good three years now, so other people might pose a problem. Hesitantly, Roy said, "Though, Fullmetal... I would advise that you... keep it under wraps. Other people might not... understand, you know?"
"Yeah," Ed said, looking away. "I know. You're the only one whose ever really asked, and I figure you're such a pervert that you probably don't care anyway."
Roy bristled slightly on the "pervert" comment but decided to let it slide, lest some of his rather... shall we say, unique exploits come into light. And he didn't quite feel like telling Ed that the concept still made him instinctively recoil. The boy felt too much guilt already. And quite frankly, Ed did behave smartly with the information, whether or not he fully understood how most of the world view incestuous relationships (though Roy was beginning to suspect that his ignorance of the concept was more of an act than anything, though it probably hadn't been before coming to Central.) Ed's business was his own business, and Ed stood firmly beside that ideology. A wise stance, that, and applicable so long as Ed never tried to run for office.
"So, am I ever going to finish my report, or are you just going to stare into space until First Lieutenant Hawkeye comes in and shoots you dead?"
Roy gave Ed a look, to which Ed replied with a raise of his eyebrows. Resisting the urge to sigh, Roy said, "...fine, continue."
"So, anyway, I tell the guy that I'd had sex before so he'd stop making those little kid comments, but he still didn't believe me. So I wound up just knocking him out and going in anyway, because like hell was I going to loose sight of Bryce after that incident with the pigs..."
Roy: You had sex with your brother?
Ed: (hums to himself, studying his automail)
Ed: (starts playing with the figurines on Roy's desk)
Roy: ...you're getting a perverse pleasure out of rendering me speechless, aren't you?
Ed: Hell, yes.