Don't Know What We've Got...

not mine, don't sue

my first J/R friendship fic

He couldn't stop shaking and he wasn't even cold. Not in the physical sense anyway. They wouldn't leave him alone, kept asking him to eat, to talk to them, telling him it would be okay. They weren't there, what the hell did they know? He just wanted to curl up and go to sleep, he wouldn'thave to think… or remember then. That's what they wanted him to do.

He knew he should talk, but his vocal cords felt frozen. His mouth didn't want to move….he felt numb inside. All the grief and pain…he couldn't feel anymore right now. He wished he could cry. It would be better than this. He was scaring the shit out of Carson and Weir. Hell, he was scaring himself.

"John please. Say something."

"He's completely unresponsive…I think it's psychological. He's uninjured Dr. Weir but it's only been five hours since we rescued him. He probably just needs more time."

"Maybe we should bring Teyla and Ronon in to see him. They might be able to get through to him. Bring him back to us."

He should answer them, but he just didn't want to. Why couldn't he just be left alone to wallow in his own self pity for awhile. Was that so much to ask.

"I'm not sure if it's a good idea. More people around him might just make him retreat into himself even further."

"What in the world could have happened to make him like this." Elizabeth sounded at a loss.

"Any sign of Rodney?"

"No, and there's only one person who can help us find him." She sat down on the corner of John's bed.

Rodney. The name reverberated in his skull like a jackhammer. His best friend. His teammate. Is this what he would want? John felt some of his self control return. He owed his friend more than this.

Sitting on a bed cowering like a baby. This was so not like him…but then again nothing was right anymore. It still all seemed unreal. No. He had to tell them what happened. It was the only way to honor his friend.

"Rodney." He whispered. Guess my voice does work after all.

"Yes." Elizabeth's voice was laced with relief. "Where's Rodney?"

He opened his eyes for the first time since being found alone on that god-forsaken shit hole. The light had the same effect as being stabbed in the head with an ice pick. He squinted and blinked furiously for several agonizing moments before he was able to tolerate the glare. When his vision focused he was surprised to see he wasn't in the infirmary after all, but in his quarters sitting on his bed. He suddenly felt a whole lot better. He almost smiled at the sight of his guitar. Almost.

He met Elizabeth's worried stare. "I'm not as screwed up as I seem. Honest." He managed to sound half normal.

Her face visibly relaxed along with Dr. Beckett's. "John I know this is a bad time to ask but….." She let her unasked question hang.

He took a deep breath that filled him with a resolve he thought he'd lost. For Rodney. "But you need to know what happened."

She nodded. "Major Lorne's team is searching for Rodney even as we speak. It would be very helpful to know the general area he might be in. How did you two get separated?"

He held up his much steadier hands effectively silencing her. "I have a lot I need to tell you. I need you to just listen." His mouth opened, then he noticed a problem. "Where are Teyla and Ronan?"

"Ummm," Beckett took a step forward. "I had them leave. I didn't think it was wise…"

"I understand but I need them here now." His voice made it clear this wasn't a request.

Elizabeth nodded once at Carson who left to contact them.

"They need to hear this." He muttered at a barely audible level.

"John, where can the search party find Rodney?" Her voice was strained.

His sad, haunted eyes suddenly found the comforter on his bed very interesting. He couldn't meet her intense stare. "Get me a map of that planet."

Elizabeth pulled a data pad from her back pocket and shoved it in his face. "That was fast."

"I'm prepared." She replied attempting to lighten the mood.

He grabbed it and within seconds highlighted a location and gave it back to her.

She blinked in surprise. Then here lips pursed and he saw her fingers turn white as her grip tightened on the pad. She'd realized the severity of the situation.

"John this can't be right. That's a crater…it's hundreds of feet deep….he can't…"

Teyla and Ronan stormed into his room. They had remarkable timing.

"It's like the Grand Canyon actually. That's the area they need to search. We have to bring him home Elizabeth." His voice was beginning to crack. Guess I'm not as numb as I thought.

"I'll inform the search team." Her composure was failing, but she wasn't about to fall apart just yet. As she walked away Sheppard was surrounded by his worried team mates.

"John." Teyla sat on his left side and placed a hand on his shoulder. "We were so very worried."

Ronon sat in a chair to his right. "They refused to let us see you. We were about to break in." he added with a savage grin on his face.

"Well I'm glad it didn't come to that." He managed a small smile for the both of them. They were all he had left now. Their strange little family was short one amazingly sarcastic, brilliant, arrogant, kind, courageous, yet cowardly scientist, and they were all feeling it.

Elizabeth returned and sat at the foot of the bed.

'Any word on Dr. McKay?" Teyla's serene voice melted his already aching heart.

"John was getting ready to fill us in on what occurred over the past five days." She looked at him. "Are you ready?"

I'll never be ready. " As ever."

The room fell into a dead silence. He could feel the tension in the room, it was so thick you could cut it with a knife. They were waiting on him. So he began the story about how he'd let the best friend he'd ever had slip away….in more ways than one.

feedback is loved and appreciated. Worth continuing or not?

thanks for reading