Disclaimer: All characters and places in this story belong to J. K. Rowling (except for Sheila Dickens), Pride and Prejudice belongs to Jane Austen, and I'm not making any money out of this, so don't sue me.
I feel guilty about writing a whole new fanfic instead of finishing Dimension 17, but I got a challenge from my sister which I had to accept. Here it is:
1. Harry Potter & Co. find/invent a time machine that will take them back to the time of MWPP
2. One character becomes a transvestite (to develop his feminine side)
3. The marauders get the idea of using the time machine to make their enemies' lives miserable (in the future or in the past)
4. Harry gets hit in the head by at least 5 bricks (at at least 3 times)
5. James and Sirius trick Lupin to think that he has a deadly disease and remove 7 of his important organs because 'otherwise, he won't be healthy'
6. Ron speaks to a wall
7. Hermione discovers Sirius's dark secret
8. Peter goes sitting in a corner 'until someone loves him'
9. The story must end with Sirius eating his own foot and dies of food poisoning
10. The story can't be longer than 7 pages (I'm using Verdana 9, not Times New Roman 12, smart as I am. The text gets smaller!)
Whoa, that's a tough one… the first fanfic challenge I've ever had. I have to warn you that the characters will be quite OOC. Well, here it is. Enjoy and review!
The Red Toaster of Doom
It was the middle of the night at Hogwarts school of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Everyone was asleep, except for Nearly Headless Nick, who was playing 'paper, rock and scissors' with the Bloody Baron, and Filch (that guy never sleeps, now does he?) who was bored out of his mind and hit his head to a brick wall on the sixth floor.
"I'm BORED, I'm BORED, I'm BORED, I'm BORED…"
Suddenly, one brick came loose from the wall and fell down the stairs. It fell and it fell and it fell and it fell and it fell until…
"OUCH!" screamed the black-haired boy with a silly scar. Everyone thought of him as the saviour of the magic world, because he had defeated the Dark Lord several times, but to be honest, it was just pure luck.
"Shut up, Harry! You might wake up the whole castle!" hissed the girl who cheated in every class and therefore got the highest grades of them all.
"Well, Hermione, my head just got hit by a bloody BRICK! But, hey! Maybe that will give me another cool scar and I'll be even more admired by everyone. Where did that brick come from, anyway?"
"Um, from above?" The red-head was never known for being smart.
"Good thinking, Ron." Hermione rolled her eyes.
"What? Everyone cannot be a perfect little know-it-all with the highest grades of the year, now can they?"
"No, but at least you can try to use some of the few brain cells that are hiding under that red mop of yours…"
"Be quiet, both of you. Look, a door we've never seen before! Let's investigate, shall we?"
"But Harry, it stands 'Top Secret' on it. I think we should respect that."
"You're kidding, aren't you?"
"F' course I am." Hermione looked offended. "Who do you think I am, some kind of nerd who always follows the stupid rules?"
The trio opened the door with 'Top Secret' on it. There stood… da da da dum… a red toaster!
"What is that doing here?" wondered Harry.
"Not much, I'm afraid," answered Hermione, confused.
"Anyone got some bread?" asked Ron. Harry and Hermione ignored him.
"Hey look," exclaimed Harry, "There's a button on the side of that toaster!"
"Cool. Push it and let's see what happens."
Harry pushed the button. Everything went red and sparkling.
"Whoa!" said the trio. Then, everything went back to normal.
"That's it?" said Hermione. "I thought something more would happen."
"Me too," answered Harry.
"All this talk about toasters has made me hungry. Let's raid the kitchens!" exclaimed Ron. His two companions resigned.
"All rightie then," said Hermione and opened the door. Two seconds later, she was tackled to the floor by a guy that had run into her by mistake. "Well, hello there sweetie!" She gave him a seductive look.
The boy looked at her and his eyes widened in fear. "OH MY GOSH! A GIRL! HELP ME GUYS!"
He jumped off of her and ran to hide behind three other boys that had walked into the room. Hermione looked offended. "Hey, I'm not that ugly, now am I?"
The Golden Trio looked at the four boys. One of them had black, unruly hair and glasses, just like Harry (poor soul…). Another one was a real hottie, with long black hair and a sexy nose. The third had light-brown hair, intelligent eyes and was kind of cute, and the last, the one that had been on top of Hermione, was very small and had nervous spasms in his face.
The boys watched the Golden Trio as well with suspecting looks. At last, the hottie spoke.
"Maybe we should introduce ourselves. I'm Sirius Black. This one – " he pointed to the guy with the light-brown hair " – is Remus Lupin. He's a werewolf, but what the hell, it's not like it really matters. I mean, some days, I feel this need to howl too. It's nothing wrong with that. The guy who's cowardly hiding behind us is Peter Pettigrew – don't worry 'bout him, he's having this little phobia about girls, but except of that, he's nice enough – and the one with the funny glasses is James Potter."
Harry mumbled something that sounded like "meeep".
"Together, we're known as the Marauders. And you are?" continued Sirius.
Harry opened his mouth to answer, but Hermione was faster. "I'm Hermione Granger, the red-head is Ron Weasley, and the guy with an ego the size of Australia is Harry Potter. Together, we're known as the Golden Trio." Sirius raised an eyebrow at this.
"Potter?" asked James, surprised. "He's a Potter?"
"Well, yeah, actually, he's your son. We're from the future."
Surprisingly enough, none of the Marauders seemed to doubt her words about time travelling.
"I have a son?" exclaimed James. "No way! I'm homosexual, how could I be a father?"
"Well, duh," said Remus and rolled his eyes. "Never heard about adoption?"
"Remus is the brain of the group," explained Sirius. "This is how it usually works: I come up with an idea for a prank, James forms a plan how to put it into action – the prank, that is – Peter cheers and agrees to everything we say, and Remus reads through the plan, points everything out that could make us expelled and re-writes it."
"Yeah, we owe Remmie a lot," agreed James and put a hand on Remus's shoulder. Remus blushed (no, he doesn't fancy James, he's blushing because he got a compliment).
"Hermione does the thinking in our group," said Ron. "She knows everything, don't you, Herms?"
Hermione painted freaky patterns on the floor with the toe of her blue boot. "Aww, I wouldn't say that, I'm not that smart, really…"
Harry smirked. "I agree Hermy. You're not very bright at all, you're only doing a damn good impression of it." Hermione glared at him. "Hey, why are you giving me that evil look? I just told them you were a good actress!"
Hermione hissed and a fight was on its way to break out, when Remus said: "Did you say that you were from the future? How did you get here, then?"
"It was because of that toaster," explained Ron and pointed to said object. "We pushed the button and everything went red and sparkling and then you came."
"Right. So what you're saying is that that toaster really is a time machine in disguise?"
"Something like that, yes," explained Harry, who felt a little nervous when he saw the wicked grins that spread over James's and Sirius's faces. After what he'd heard about his dad and his best friend, they couldn't be up to any good.
"Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" said James to Sirius.
"You bet I am!"
They both rushed forward to the toaster and Sirius was on his way to pick it up, when a shout from Remus stopped them. "NO! Don't!"
"How stupid are you? You don't know where that thing would take you! Maybe you'd be swept away several millions of years back in time and before you know it you get eaten by a T-Rex. Do you really want that? Huh? Huh? Huh?" Remus now looked slightly hysterical. He screamed at James and Sirius with widened eyes while the spit flew from his mouth. Everyone in the room stared at him.
"Is he freaking you out, too?" whispered Harry to Hermione, who nodded.
"We just wanted to go a few hours back in time to get revenge on Malfoy for that trick he pulled on us yesterday, when he hexed us so that we couldn't talk but only sing songs from 'Sound of Music'," said Sirius unsurely to Remus. "I hate 'Sound of Music'. 'I am sixteen, going on seventeen…' Who in their right mind would come up with that?"
"Yeah, and if I have to listen to 'Edelweiss' one more time, I'll burn the edelweiss," said James, and looked relieved when Remus seemed to calm down a little. "Do you feel better now, Rem?"
"Eh, yes. Sorry for flipping out."
"Nah, that's okay. But you really should try to control yourself, it's not good for your blood pressure to get that upset. You could get sick."
"He's right, you know," agreed Sirius with a weird glint in his eye. "The symptoms are there. Hysterical ranting combined with lycanthropy… Remus, my friend, I'm afraid you are in deep shit. This is a clear case of the Sneezing and Wheezing Illness of Doom. Probably, you don't have much time left. Twenty-seven minutes I'd say, or less."
The werewolf gasped. "I'm dying?"
"Indeed you are," nodded James. "Fortunately, Sirius and I know how to cure it. All we have to do is removing three of the toes on your left foot, your right little finger, one of your kidneys and both of your earlobes. Otherwise, you won't be healthy. After that little treatment, you'll be as good as new!"
"Okay," said Remus willingly, afraid of death.
The Golden Trio turned around, along with Peter. "Awful," said Hermione, disgusted. Peter slumped his shoulders. "Why is it that no one cares about me? What if I cached the Sneezing and Wheezing Illness of Doom? Would anyone even notice? Eh? Guys?"
He received no answer – Harry and Hermione had started talking about how their lives sucked, and Ron was discussing Big Bang theories with the wall. Peter glared at them, although no one noticed it. "Fine. If that's how you want it, don't let me disturb! I'll wait here, in the corner, until someone loves me. So there!" He sat down in one of the room's corners with a stubborn expression. When no one reacted, he got even sourer and started using his wand to bend bricks from the wall. He got one loose and threw it at Harry, which got hit in the head. "Ouch!" Peter laughed madly and was on his way to throw another brick at The-Boy-Who-Lived, when he got another idea of getting attention. He snickered and waved his wand to put the plan into action.
Meanwhile, James and Sirius had used magic to cut off Remus's three toes, right little finger, kidney and his earlobes, after giving him some Aspirin. They then put plaster on the injuries and declared the operation as finished.
"Wow!" exclaimed Remus. "I already feel better. Thanks guys!"
"Anything for our favourite werewolf," said Sirius. "Don't mention it."
"Okay," answered Remus, and did not mention it.
"So, what shall we do now?" asked James, and looked around for some entertainment. His eyes widened in shock. "Pete? What the hell are you doing?" The others turned to look at Peter and gasped.
Peter was wearing a short, glittering skirt, stiletto boots, a purple, thin top, and tons of mascara, yellow eye shadow and black lipstick. "What?"
"You're – you're – you're dressed like a girl!" stuttered Remus.
"And not just any type of girl," muttered Hermione.
Harry heard her. "What did you say?"
"I've decided to develop my feminine side," Peter told them proudly, and was happy to get some attention. "You know, since I have this little girl phobia and therefore cannot get a girlfriend."
They all blinked simultaneously. "Uh huh."
Before they could come up with any more intelligent lines, they heard a sound from outside.
"Yikes!" shouted Sirius. "It's Sheila Dickens! She's come to kill me!"
"That sixth year Hufflepuff? Now why would she want to kill you?" asked James curiously.
Sirius realized that he'd said too much. "Eh, no reason."
"Sirius Black!" a female voice yelled from outside. "I know you're here, somewhere! When I get my
hands on you, you're dead meat! And after I've killed you, I'll tell McGonagall, and you'll get detention for life!" Sirius hid behind Remus, shivering in fear.
"What did you do to her?" wondered Hermione. Before Sirius could answer, Sheila Dickens did.
"Come out and give me my book back, you little worm! Some Gryffindor you are, hiding in the shadows like that!" Then, there was a loud BANG, as if the raging girl had blasted a wall with her wand.
"A book, eh?" Hermione advanced on Sirius. Since she loved books, and also was of Sheila's gender, she felt sympathy for the Hufflepuff girl. "Where is it?"
"I don't have her book!"
"Where. Is. It?" growled Hermione, and when Sirius didn't seem like he was going to answer, she pounced on him. A fight erupted.
"It is a wonder you know, that Sheila haven't noticed that we're in here," James said to Harry, who nodded. "Maybe it's that kind of walls where sounds go in, but not out."
Suddenly, there was a shout of triumph from Hermione. She held up a book high in the air. "I've got it! I've got it! I…" She took a closer look at the piece of literature that she was holding, and her eyes widened. "What the…? Sirius? Did you steal her copy of Pride and Prejudice? A novel full of Victorian ladies walking around drinking tea? I really didn't think that that was your type of book."
Everyone snickered as Sirius's face took an interesting shade of red. "Okay, I confess! I am a secret fan of Jane Austen! Have been for years! Do you have a problem with that?"
"No, no, of course we haven't," said Remus in a tone that was meant to sound honest. Sirius glared and opened his mouth, but before he could say anything the door exploded. BOOM!
While they all were coughing their lungs out (not for real, you morons!) because of the dust, a blonde girl stepped in. She looked absolutely furious. Sirius laughed nervously.
"Heh heh…! Sheila! How nice to see you, um… Well… Heh heh heh..."
Sheila pointed her wand at him and yelled: "Brickus Appearus!" Sirius ducked behind Harry, which got smacked by seventeen bricks that magically appeared from thin air. He fell to the floor, unconscious.
"Give me my book," said the Hufflepuff in a dangerously low and calm voice. Sirius would have preferred her screaming at him. "Um…"
"Here it is," said Hermione and gave the old copy of Pride and Prejudice to Sheila, who's face expression changed completely. "My book! Oh thank you, thank you, thank you! Eh… who are you, by the way?"
"Hermione Granger. The red-haired idiot is Ron Weasley, and the unconscious guy on the floor which you hit with those bricks by mistake is Harry Potter."
"Oh. A relative of James?"
"You could say that."
Sheila turned to Sirius. "Don't think I've stopped being mad with you, Black."
Sirius gulped, since he knew that Sheila's revenge would be terrible – she was one hell of a witch, it was a wonder she hadn't been placed in Ravenclaw. 'What shall I do to make her forgive and forget?' he thought. 'I know! She wouldn't hurt a crimpling, now would she?' And so, he took off his right shoe and blue sock with teddy bears on it, and started gnawing on his own foot.
Since Sheila and Hermione were talking about books, Remus and James tried to tell Peter about the problems with being a transvestite, Ron was off in la-la land and Harry was still unconscious, no one noticed what Sirius was doing until it was too late. Remus saw it first.
"SIRIUS! WHAT IN THE NAME OF €¤§#+¨¨&¤ DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING!"
They all turned their attention to Sirius – except for Harry, that is, 'cause he was still lying unconscious on the floor – and gasped.
Sirius had eaten his own stinking foot and used his shirt for a bandage. Now, he was turning a slightly green colour while looking at Sheila Dickens hopefully. "You're not gonna hurt me now, are you, Sheila?"
She didn't answer.
Remus took two steps forward. "Sirius, do you really mean to tell us that you have eaten your own foot?"
James opened his mouth slowly. "That is the coolest thing that's ever happened to someone I know! Wicked!"
Hermione and Sheila made faces, Remus raised an eyebrow, Peter fainted because of all the blood, Ron didn't understand what was going on anyway and Harry still lay unconscious on the floor. James beamed at Sirius, who smiled.
Then he fell and took the form of a heap on the floor. Remus rushed forward and looked for a pulse, but found none.
"Dead," he told the others. "Probably food poisoning. I cannot say that I am surprised, with his lack of hygiene…"
James studied the body of his former best friend. "Oh well," he said at last. "I never really liked him anyway."
Just then, Harry woke up. He groaned. "Unh… Did I miss anything?"
So, that was it. My first fan fiction challenge. Please leave a review and tell me what you thought about it!
Goddess of Idun