A/N: This is my first songfic that I've ever done, so it might be crappy. But I was listening to some music and I just felt like this song was perfect. Sorry if Hyde's a little OOC. It's not like he's in my closet and I can draw the character from there. Even watching four episodes a day doesn't help.Also, I'll be updating "Round and Round" soon. I wanted to get more reviews to know that I did good but I don't want to keep my readers hanging. Review please please please.
Disclaimer: I don't own That 70's Show. I don't own the rights to "Hurt" redone by Johnny Cash. The original rights are the 9 Inch Nails. Go them, woot. And I don't mean to offend strippers in this, so if I do, I'm sorry.
Summary: Hyde thinks about him and Jackie and where they are now. Slightly OOC. Hyde's POV. One shot, songfic.
Hyde sat in the basement, but that wasn't unusual. It was where he hung out. It was his place. It was his home. But his home wasn't as pleasant as it used to be.
He thought back to the good old days. A time when Eric was still being a girl, whining about Red wanting to shove something up his ass. A time when Kelso was bragging about a girl he hooked up with, only to trip over his own feet and smash his pride to hell. A time when Jackie would be complaining about something superficial, all the while sitting on his lap, one hand in his hair, the other on his chest or entwined in his fingers. Ah, the good old days.
It started when Eric decided he wanted to go teach children in Africa. No, it didn't start there. It started when he refused to trust Jackie. Sure it was hard when you had a girl as hott as she was and a best friend as horny as Kelso was but he should have tried. But he did and that's what hurt the most. He couldn't trust anyone, not even the one person who he loved with all his heart and she the same.
It wasn't like he minded the pain. It made him realize that he was still alive. He went on day to day knowing that the pain he felt wasn't half as bad as it could be. Which probably was the main reason he was still with Sam. No pain, no love, no nothing. Just sex and that wasn't so bad. It wasn't as good as it was with Jackie but it wasn't bad.
I hurt myself today
To see if I still feel
I focus on the pain
The only thing that's real
But in Las Vegas, it was a completely different story. He was heartbroken, though he'd never admit it. If anyone asked, he was just plain pissed off but it was more than that and he knew it. And him knowing was too much.
It was the first week he was there; he was pretty sure about that. The dates and times during his stay in Las Vegas were a bit blurry. Okay, completely blurry but he knew it was before he met Sam. He was in a trashy bar on the outskirts of The Strip. He had been taking shots of Jack all night and was fairly wasted beyond recognition when a greasy haired man had walked over to him. The guy talked a lot but at the end of his speech, he asked Hyde if he wanted to try some heroin.
Hyde actually had considered it, too, which was the hard part. His drunkenness hadn't shed his love or his pain or his anger over Jackie and he suspected that the drug would get rid of it, temporarily. But he'd known a couple guys who had lost their lives from the stuff, permanently. There was no way he was doing that, even if she cheated on him.
The needle tears a hole
The old familiar stingTry to kill it all the way
But I remember everything
He could hardly believe that the person he saw in the mirror was him. Never had he thought that he would have married a stripper. Nailed a stripper, yes. Nailed two strippers, yes and yes. Nailed two strippers at the same time (a man can dream, can't he?), yes yes yes. But marry one? He wasn't even that low. Especially after he hooked up with Jackie. From the very second he started making out with her that summer he knew he'd been changed for life. She made him think of the future, their future.
And sure it hurt that she almost cheated on him with Kelso. Almost, because she swore up and down that she hadn't done anything with him and he kind of believed her. But that wasn't so bad. It was killing him, secretly of course, that yet another person in his life abandoned him. She didn't wait for the answer; she just left. Like everyone else had. At least she had bothered to say goodbye, even if it was in form of a 'Dear John' letter. It was something.
What have I become?
My sweetest friend
Everyone I know goes away
In the end
He sighed deeply. It was something he was doing a lot now. He couldn't help it. But he knew it would eventually happen. Maybe that was why he and Jackie didn't work. He never truly believed that they would. Even after everything she told him and did for him. Even when she took him back after the "nurse" incident, he didn't think that they could last. He wanted them to. He wanted to give her everything he had, even if it wasn't much. He knew he'd never give her what she deserved but he was willing to give his love (even if he never said it) and whatever else he could.
But he did what they both knew he would. He hurt her. In their entire relationship he supposed he hurt her way more than Kelso ever had. Not because he was worse than Kelso, God forbid, but he knew Jackie loved him more than Kelso. Their love was real when the love she shared with Kelso was shallow. So when he hurt her, it hurt worse. It was real, tangible, undeniable pain that he saw so many times on her face and in her eyes. He tried to be good for her and stop being a complete jerkoff. It didn't work that way, though.
And you can have it all
My empire of dirtI will let you down
I will make you hurt
He couldn't believe what he had done. He let the one girl he loved get away. Why? Because he thought she was cheating and he couldn't take that. Cheating was bad, especially when Jackie did it. How could she almost do it to him? Maybe because he had done it to her. Hyde gritted his teeth, seeing how much of a hypocrite he was. But he couldn't help it. He'd never admit it, even to himself, but he was fragile and when he felt broken, he got away. He'd never let reason get in because reason hurt.
Stop thinking about it man, he told himself and settled deeper into his chair. Yes, his chair. His spot in the world. The tiny room in the basement, the El Camino, even the record store weren't really his, but this place, in this chair, he was the King. Everyone knew this was his. It was the only constant in his life.
He looked at it in the space between his legs. Well, it used to be his. Now it was his and Jackie's. There were too many memories in that chair with her to even think about it being his sanctuary. Suddenly his place became his nightmare, retelling the past that he longed to be free from. Because, once again, the past only hurt and he didn't want to hurt anymore.
I wear this crown of thorns
Upon my liars chairFull of broken thoughts
I cannot repair
It was the present that he wanted to focus on. The past hurt, the future was scary but the present was there where he could beat the shit out of it if it decided to mess with him. He controlled it. Well, mostly.
Hyde wanted, more than almost anything, to be able to concentrate on the present. In the present, he would have no dreams or memories about Jackie and their time together. His present was Sam and the record store and the basement. Jackie's present was the apartment she shared with Fez and her dreams to become an anchorwoman. And they were two totally different presents, which meant they were separated from one another. And as far as Hyde was concerned, it was a good thing. He could stay numb in the present. Zen in the present.
Beneath the stains of time
The feeling disappears
You are someone else
I am still right here
What have I become
My sweetest friend?Everyone I know goes away
In the end
And you can have it all
My empire of dirt
I will let you down
I will make you hurt
He hated himself for being so girly. He was sitting in the basement, alone, thinking about his feelings. He desperately wanted a bowl but he couldn't bring himself to get up and get his stash. What was with him? He never refused a bowl when he had the urge. For Christ's sake, he did it at work!
But he just sat there, staring at the blank screen in front of him. If someone walked down, they would have thought he had gone crazy and maybe that wasn't so far off. He was crazy in love, Damnit. He wanted her and she wanted him. He could see it in her eyes every time she let herself look over at him. Every night he dreamt about her and her creamy skin, her rich chocolate locks, her mismatched eyes. She was so unique and beautiful and bitchy and amazing all at the same time. Sure, he was with a hot blonde stripper but he knew most men thought he was crazy for not divorcing Sam. Compared to Jackie, Sam was just a slut with big boobs.
He didn't divorce Sam though. He said it was okay for them to live their lie and let it be done. It was too complicated. Jackie probably wouldn't take him back now anyway. He had married someone when he told her he wasn't sure. That was unforgivable, although, knowing Jackie, she probably would find it in her loving heart to take him back. And then he would make it up to her, every day for the rest of his life. So, maybe he did have options. Maybe this wasn't the end for him. He smiled at that, the first genuine one since he woke up drunk at a warehouse all those months ago.If I could start again
A million miles away
I would keep myself
I would find a wayThe End