If Only You Knew

Disclaimer: Can't remember if I put this in before, but, still don't own Lost. Le sigh.

A/N: Ok, here's Sawyer's PoV. You have no idea how long this took me! So hopefully it's ok, I'm still not sure I'm happy with it :p. Thanks to Marta for listening to me moan over MSN:D!


If only you knew.

I watch you, you know. In the harsh light of day, in the deceptive soft fire-glow at night. When you're moving; when you're still. I search that pretty face of yours; for what, I'm not sure. Most people? I can read them like billboards, great big walking advertisements for the sorry human condition. But you, you're different. You thrust a mirror up, deflecting my piercing eye into myself. It's painful, this sudden introspect, the shock of actually looking inside myself. I look so hard into you; I don't realise that you've shifted my gaze back into me; the rebound hits me so abruptly I inwardly stagger from the intensity. You make me question myself; sometimes I need it, most of the time it just heightens feelings of inadequacy.

I'm not good enough to love you.

But I do.

If only you knew.

It's not an all-encompassing, rose-tinted love. Neither of us will allow that, we are both far too aware of our own flaws, and the other's. But flaws are just excuses, reasons to hide away behind our eyes and watch the other, lurking beneath our own skins. I call you Freckles, you call me Sawyer. I know your real name; you have no idea of mine. You know my crime; I have no idea of yours. I know you killed a man, but there's always more to a story that starts with "I never killed a man".

The darkness, it attracts me to you, I won't deny it. It seeps into the nooks and crannies of your slender body; the curve of your smile, the pupil of your eye, the shadow the sun casts on you, the freckles that should resemble innocence but instead serve a harsh reminder that that innocence has been lost, long ago.

It itches, holding back from you, preventing myself from dissecting your scars, comparing similarities and differences. Sometimes, it's enough just to know that I'm not the only ones hiding these, but mostly, it just spurs me on in my never relenting quest for you. You've taken over my mind, Freckles. It's a welcome distraction from the horrors of my past, yet anticipation and impatience snake through my veins as you stand aloof, seemingly unaware of my unconscious plea for release.

There are moments when the urge to be inside you, to drown inside your secrets and fears, to know that I'm not the only person in this world who just don't belong becomes so strong it terrifies me, because I have this overwhelming need for you and I don't know why. It's not rational, it's not part of a plan, and I can't help this downward spiral of mine into obsession.

I would have slept with half the girls on this island if I hadn't seen you, and that's no lie. It's something I would have been proud of, once, but your voice inside my head tells me I should be ashamed. You annoy me sometimes, you know that? I can't get you out of my mind, and it panics me. When did your voice act as my conscience anyway?

The cocky swagger that I put on is more than a front to impress you. It's to protect me. Because when you look at me I want to bare my soul to you. You see past the bullsht, but you can't quite see what's behind, not yet. There's one last barrier between us, and if that dam breaks, then God help us all Freckles, because I won't be holding back for long.

If only you knew.

I don't know why I allow you to get under my skin so much. I suppose it's because I have this need to get under yours, and this thing we have is a two-way street. It has to be. We're like two magnets, teetering on the border of a potent attraction, waiting for something to tip us over this delicate edge.

Together, we'd be explosive. It wouldn't be easy, but nothing worthwhile is. We'd banter, we'd bicker, we'd have fights that would make the stars tremble. We'd kiss like the world was ending and the sex would shake the earth. We'd keep our secrets, we'd argue about it. We'd push each other, but we'd understand. We could have that all-encompassing love, one day, if we allowed ourselves.

I want to immerse myself in guilt and self-hatred, but I want you more.

If only you knew.