Uchihas Don't Wear Glasses

Disclaimer: This is a purely non-profit story written for entertainment purposes only. Unfortunately for me, all characters of Naruto belong to their respective owners.

Author's Notes: The title just sort of floated into my head, so I set off to write a story accordingly. No offence meant to those who wear glasses (I do too). No birds were harmed during the production of this story. Forewarning: lots of randomness and insanity – and crack. Major crack.

When he had missed a target, once, throwing a shuriken, he thought that his concentration had slipped.

When he had missed a target, twice, throwing a shuriken, he thought that his hand had slipped.

When he had missed a target, thrice, throwing a shuriken, he thought that his skill had definitely slipped.

When he missed for the fourth time, his teammates started to conjecture as to what was wrong.

"Hey, Sasuke… are you sick?" Naruto scratched his head unthinkingly. The target was only 200 meters away – a large one, at that – and Sasuke's precision had always been impeccable.

"Maybe you need to rest more," Sakura said worriedly, giving him an "I'll-take-care-of-you" look.

"Maybe you need glasses," Kakashi chipped in, still engrossed in Icha Icha Paradise.

"WHAT?" All three genins gawked at their sensei.

A bird flying by had been startled by the sound – and promptly crashed into a nearby tree.

"It's not uncommon, you know. Many people have visual impairments."

"Huh?" Naruto had lost a good chunk of the last sentence. "But… Sasuke has the Sharingan. Isn't his vision, like… better than perfect?"

"Technically speaking, yes," Kakashi flipped a page. "The Sharingan is impossibly precise for copying jutsus, but it does a good deal of damage to the surrounding retinal receptors."

"Wait," Sakura spoke slowly. "So you mean… when he's not using the Sharingan, his vision is worse than normal?"

"Something like that." Kakashi flipped another page.

"My vision is fine!" Sasuke burst, whipping out a shuriken and throwing it with a little too much force at the immobile target – the shape of a human with red dots as vital points. The airborne weapon missed its mark and skidded off to the right, where the star-like blade snipped the tail of the poor bird flying by.

"You've definitely proved your point," Kakashi said merrily, eyes glued to his book. "Oh my… this part is rather juicy…"

Sakura's face turned green, Naruto made a gagging sound, and Sasuke rolled his eyes.

"You're all crazy."

They had continued to train, and his teammates had been smart enough not to bring up the subject again.


He was walking through town, and all around him people were whispering worriedly and looking extremely frightened.

'What's going on?'

Was there something on his face? He didn't feel any different, but every girl around was looking horror-struck. He felt extremely light-headed.

'Why is everyone looking at me so weirdly?'

Not that he really cared; he just wanted to make it to the bridge and meet up with his team so they could go on their mission. As the place came into view, Sakura turned to look at him and let off a horrific scream.

"Sasuke! What's on your face?"


He looked at his own reflection in the water… and he screamed too.

Behind him, Itachi laughed maniacally. "Don't you know, Sasuke? Uchihas don't wear glasses!"


He was breathing heavily as he woke from the nightmare. His dreams were getting progressively worse, and more people were starting to notice his little mishaps (the other day he completely missed the little hidden warning… and had been lured into a rope trap). It had been weeks since the first time Kakashi had suggested he had a sight problem, and he wouldn't admit it for all the world. But now, as insomnia and ever-increasing evidence presented itself, he didn't think he'd have a choice much longer.

There was only one person who could help him.

"Well, what do you do about it?"

Kakashi smiled widely at his young student, putting his book away. "Well, actually… my Sharingan isn't a problem since I use it so rarely. I've gotten used to seeing out of one eye."

"Great!" Sasuke fumed at his teacher. "I'll be a four-eyes! I don't know if you've ever noticed, but… Uchihas don't wear glasses!"

"Calm down, Sasuke," Kakashi was trying to get the hearing back in his left ear. "I said I didn't have the problem, I never said I couldn't help you."

"Help me?" Sasuke was dubious. "What do you mean, help me?"

"I'll let you in on a little secret, Sasuke. Uchihas don't wear glasses because…"


"Holy crap! What's with your eyes?"

"It's the next level of the Sharingan." Naruto was openly gaping at Sasuke. "What's wrong, Naruto? Like it?"

"Sasuke-kun, you look…" Sakura was gaping too. Man, Sasuke was sexy with red eyes! Very sexy! Far toooooo sexy…

"Yo." Kakashi saluted them briefly, but no one was even astonished by the fact that he was on time. The jounin caught the dark-haired genin's eye and winked. Sasuke smirked back.

"You're joking."

"Not at all. Your brother was smart enough to make the most of it."

"That's crazy! Itachi wouldn't—" Sasuke paused. "Did he really?"

"Yep. And a lot of your cousins, all the ones you never saw show off their ability."

"That's insane. How did you find out about this?"

"Oh, Obito told me. I think he was your… second cousin? Maybe third, something like that. Didn't you ever wonder why it was that everyone in your clan had the Sharingan when it's such a rare trait, even in inter-marriages?"

"No, I guess I didn't really think about it… I thought it was odd that I didn't develop my Sharingan until I was twelve."

"That's early, compared to most."

"So all this time, they were just tricking everybody?"

"Well, not all of them. Some of them had it for real, like Obito, but not nearly as many as everyone was led to believe."

"But if Itachi didn't have it… how could he have—"

"I think he just scared everyone, so they froze. It is a little creepy to look at."

"Gee, thanks."

"Oh, anytime. So, now you know why Uchihas don't wear glasses."

"So you're saying… you're saying that my clan was slaughtered by a pair of contact lenses?"

"Pretty much. Would you like some for yourself?"

He thought about it for a moment. "It couldn't hurt."

Itachi, perched on a nearby tree, watched in fascination as his brother showed off his new eyes.

"Ah, I see you have found the path to enlightenment, foolish little brother. It did take you quite a while – and I even had to send you nightmares to help you along. But now, my plans can be complete!" He pulled out a bottle of eye drops.

In the bushes, Kisame watched in wonder.

"So that's why it always looks like he's crying… thank god he's not a sentimentalist."