Title: "CSIs in Toyland"

Author: PonchoLives

Category: Humor/Parody

Disclaimer: I own nothing except the laptop on which this story was composed.

Summary: After a grueling case, Nick falls asleep and has a dream.

Author's Note: This is not my typical kind of story, but this is what happens when you're sick for four days. This is not meant to be a serious. In fact, it's completely ridiculous which is why I wrote it. It gave me a much-needed break from all the angst I've been writing. As much as I would like to take credit for all this, I was inspired by Theresa Green's LOTR Owner Guide series, but I made it into a oneshot about CSI.


Nick Stokes threw himself down on his couch, feeling completely drained. After such a grueling case, how could he not be? The city had been on high-alert for days, waiting for the Figurine Freak to be captured. Despite it all, he could not help but snort at the name by which the citizens of Las Vegas had taken to calling their suspect when the news had been leaked that the serial killer was leaving an action figure at the crime scene. It turned out that the suspect, Patrick Fleming, had an enormous figurine collection and even though he tried not to judge people, Nick couldn't help but feel that the man was a bit of a freak.

He gently massaged his temples and willed his body to relax. Before he had the presence of mind to head to his bedroom, he fell asleep and entered the world of dreams.

This is what he dreamt.

Nick was floating on the ceiling of a room that looked vaguely familiar to him. Below him, he saw a large shipping box labeled "Figurines R' US" sitting on a table. Before he had the chance to wonder about the contents of the box, Patrick Fleming entered the room with a knife in his hand. Nick watched curiously as Patrick cut the box opened and pulled out a wooden box with a small booklet taped to it. Patrick pulled it off and read it aloud with glee.

CONGRATULATIONS! You are now the proud owner of a GRISSOM! In order to obtain top performance from your CSI, please follow the procedures detailed in this manual to use your entomologist to his full potential. Your GRISSOM should arrive fully assembled. Please check that you have all his accessories.

ACCESSORIES

Your GRISSOM unit will be shipped to you in a wooden crate. He will be wearing a plaid shirt, slacks, and a straw hat. He also comes with a fully-equipped field kit and an entire entomological library.

OPERATING PROCEDURES

Your GRISSOM has been designed to be user-friendly and efficient. His controls are voice-activated, but just in case, make sure to face your GRISSOM when you speak to him as this allows him to read your lips.

USES

Your GRISSOM possesses many talents and can be utilized in several capacities about the home:

Entomologist:

GRISSOM has extensive knowledge of a variety of insects. This comes in quite handy for just your average every day needs or if you or one of your loved ones gets buried alive by a criminal mastermind seeking vengeance for his daughter's imprisonment.

Know It All:

Got a question? GRISSOM has the answer! The man is a student of life and has devoted himself to compiling information about a wide variety of random and useless topics. Whether it's a question about Buddhism, roofing dust, or Roy Rogers, GRISSOM will be able to answer it.

COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS

You will find that your GRISSOM unit has a functioning compatibility with most CSI models.

If you allow your GRISSOM unit to undergo prolonged exposure to a CATHERINE unit, they will automatically slip into MARRIED COUPLE mode. While this does not diminish their compatibility, they have a tendency to fight more. Rest assured though, they always make up.

Despite the GRISSOM unit's strong compatibility with the SARA model, GRISSOM will inevitably slip into the UNEMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE and COMPLETE IDIOT modes when SARA switches to I LOVE GRISSOM mode. This leads to awkwardness between them and does put a damper on their ability to work together.

Depending on the mode the NICK unit is set in, GRISSOM will switch to COLD AND DISTANT, which doesn't allow for much compatibility, or LUKEWARM AND MODERATELY RESPONSIVE, which allows for much stronger compatibility.

Your GRISSOM unit is not compatible with the ECKLIE model. Prolonged exposure to the ECKLIE model will cause your GRISSOM unit to automatically slip into the PETTY TEENAGER mode, but this is hardly surprising. In actuality, no model is compatible with the ECKLIE model, which begs the question of why that particular model is even being produced.

DURABILITY

Your GRISSOM unit is very durable and is able to withstand a good throttling.

PRECAUTIONS

Do not expose your GRISSOM to bug repellant, dominatrixes, ECKLIE units, or politics of any kind. Prolonged exposure to such things may cause irreparable damage to your GRISSOM unit's internal wiring. The management is not responsible for any damage to your GRISSOM unit should you choose to ignore this warning.

CLEANING

It is highly recommended that you clean your GRISSOM unit at least once a week. You will be pleased to know that he is dishwasher safe so toss him inside and let the machine do your work for you.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: My GRISSOM unit hasn't spoken to me for the past two days. Have I done something to offend him? How can I make him speak to me?

A: This behavior is quite typical of a GRISSOM unit. The longest recorded period of silence was three weeks by a GRISSOM unit in Spokane, WA. You should avoid any attempts to pressure him into speaking. When he has something to say, he'll say it.

Q: My GRISSOM keeps staring at my lips whenever I'm speaking. I find it quite unnerving. How do I get him to stop doing this?

A: Your GRISSOM is most likely suffering from hearing loss. Contact your certified GRISSOM specialist for immediate repairs.

Q: My GRISSOM unit alternates his time between sitting in a bathtub that doesn't have any water in it and making Halloween masks. What does this mean?

A: This is a serious problem as you seem to have been issued a PAUL MILANDER unit rather than a GRISSOM unit. PAUL MILANDER units have the habit of assuming other identities to avoid arrest. If your birthday is in August, cease and desist all contact with the unit unless you wish to become his next victim. Regardless, it is highly recommended that you lock him up until the authorities come to make the exchange.

Q: All my GRISSOM unit ever talks about is bugs! Bugs, bugs, bugs! He keeps pulling out his bug collection and showing it to me. What's worse is that he's adding to it. I don't want bugs in my home. That's why I hire an exterminator. How do I make him get rid of the bugs and stop the bug talk?

A: If you have a problem with insects, you should have never purchased a GRISSOM unit. Frankly, I'm surprised you passed the screening process. GRISSOM is, first and foremost, an entomologist. The love of insects is ingrained in him and to try to get him to stop discussing, collecting, or studying insects would lead an irreversible malfunction. Perhaps you would be better suited with an ECKLIE model.

BOXED SETS

(1) If you buy the GRISSOM, ECKLIE, and SHERIFF MOBELY BOXED SET, you can observe how GRISSOM gets himself in trouble by refusing to play politics. Of course, it's hard to kiss up when ECKLIE's lips are already permanently attached the SHERIFF MOBELY's rear end.

(2) If you buy the GRISSOM and LADY HEATHER BOXED SET, you can witness their subtle and completely confusing interactions. Do these two really care for each other? You decide. NOTE: Whips, chains, and liquid latex not included.

(3) You are in for a special treat if you purchase the SUPERVISOR BOXED SET. This includes GRISSOM, HORATIO CAINE, and MAC TAYLOR. Watch the supervisors go at it to see who will become the ultimate CSI supervisor. Contact a WARRICK model to place your bet.

FINAL NOTE

Given the mortal nature of your unit, GRISSOM does not come with a lifetime guarantee. However, with the proper care and treatment, your GRISSOM should last anywhere between 30 to 40 years.

After he finished reading, Patrick set the paper aside and opened the box to reveal a perfect miniature of Grissom. He pulled out the figurine and placed it on an empty shelf. Nick smiled as the mini-Grissom immediately walked over to the corner and began to examine a spider that was building a web.

Patrick's movements called Nick's attention away from Grissom, and he watched as the man reached inside and pulled out yet another box. Pulling off the attached manual, Patrick read the procedures.

CONGRATULATIONS! You are now the proud owner of a CATHERINE! In order to obtain top performance from your CSI, please follow the procedures detailed in this manual to use your ex-stripper to her full potential. Your CATHERINE should arrive fully assembled. Please check that you have all her accessories.

ACCESSORIES

Your CATHERINE unit will be shipped to you in a wooden crate. She will be wearing a tight, low-cut white top, black slacks, and a matching jacket. She comes with a fully-equipped field kit. Like any single mom, she also comes complete with a child, her daughter LINDSEY.

OPERATING PROCEDURES

Your CATHERINE has been designed to be user-friendly and efficient. Her controls are voice-activated but she has been known to have a problem with authority so you may have to tell her more than once what to do. Please state your instructions clearly in English.

USES

Your CATHERINE has many talents and can be utilized in several capacities about the home:

Supervisor:

CATHERINE possesses a great capacity for leadership. She is always willing to tell you what to do and how to do it. Though sometimes the power can go to her head, she is very capable and does have a great understanding of those with whom she works.

Provider:

Should you suddenly decide to pursue a career as a music producer, your CATHERINE unit can put her skills as an exotic dancer to good use. She can make a very good living doing this and will gladly shed her clothes on a nightly basis so you can achieve your dreams.

Sharpshooter:

If you find yourself trapped by an evil serial rapist and murderer, CATHERINE will save the day. She can fire her gun with deadly accuracy and save you or your loved one from an untimely and unpleasant death.

COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS

Your CATHERINE unit has a good compatibility with most other models. She does have some compatibility issues with other strong female models, such as the SARA or SOFIA models, but she gets along quite nicely with most male models.

CATHERINE's compatibility with the SAM BRAUN model is strong unless the SAM BRAUN unit is in KNOWN MURDERER mode. The CATHERINE unit finds it difficult to speak him when he is in this mode, though she will accept large amounts of money from him.

DURABILITY

If CATHERINE is tough enough to handle lewd drunks attempting to manhandle her scantily-clad form, she can handle almost anything that you can throw at her.

PRECAUTIONS

Do not expose your CATHERINE to nightclub owners, ex-husbands, and stalkeresque murder suspects who frequent clubs. Prolonged exposure to such things may cause irreparable damage to your CATHERINE unit's internal wiring. The management is not responsible for any damage to your CATHERINE unit should you choose to ignore this warning.

CLEANING

Your will be pleased to know that CATHERINE is dishwasher safe. She should be washed at least once a week.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: The continual complaints uttered by my CATHERINE unit regarding her lack of a sex life and how she is entitled to a huge promotion is interfering with her ability to perform her other functions. How can I fix this?

A: It would appear that your CATHERINE is stuck in SELF-CENTERED DRAMA QUEEN mode. You should resist the urge to smack her against the wall as this will most likely cause the switch to jam in the ON position. Instead, duct tape this switch in the OFF position and you will find your CATHERINE much easier to deal with.

Q: Instead of coming with a LINDSEY unit, my CATHERINE came with a NICK unit. Why did this happen?

A: Contrary to popular belief, CATHERINE is not NICK's mother. Though she may coddle him at times, she is still just a coworker. You can exchange the NICK unit for the LINDSEY unit, but why would you want to do that?

Q: Ever since I purchased my CATHERINE unit, she has dressed in tight, black leather and continually spanks my GREG unit, saying that he's been a "naughty, little boy". While my GREG unit doesn't seem to mind, this is not behavior I expected to see exhibited by my CATHERINE unit when I purchased her. Is this normal behavior?

A: It sounds like your CATHERINE unit accidently received some LADY HEATHER programming. This manufacturing error is quite commonly made by technicians because CATHERINE has all the makings of a dominatrix though she is not one officially.

BOXED SETS

(1) If you buy the CATHERINE, LINDSEY, and EDDIE BOXED SET, you can watch one of our favorite dysfunctional families interact over and over again. NOTE: The warranty covering the EDDIE model is good for only three years after which you can then expect your EDDIE to suffer a complete and irreversible malfunction. But honestly, who really cares?

(2) If you buy the CATHERINE, EDDIE, CHRIS BEZICH, and WARRICK BOXED SET, you can relive those "dear diary" moments where CATHERINE gets cheated on and has her heart broken by the men in her life. Take comfort in the fact that even good-looking women get screwed over by men.

FINAL NOTE

Given the mortal nature of your unit, CATHERINE does not come with a lifetime guarantee. However, with the proper care and treatment, your CATHERINE should last anywhere between 30 to 40 years.

Nick watched as Patrick pulled out the Catherine figurine and sat her on the same shelf as Grissom. He noted with some amusement as Lindsey was promptly placed next to her mother. Patrick then turned his attention to the shipping box and pulled out another smaller box.

Feeling a bit excited at the prospect of seeing another miniaturized version of one of his coworkers, Nick floated down a bit closer to Patrick and listened as he read out of the manual in his hands.

CONGRATULATIONS! You are now the proud owner of a WARRICK! In order to obtain top performance from your CSI, please follow the procedures detailed in this manual to use your reformed gambler to his full potential. Your WARRICK should arrive fully assembled. Please check that you have all his accessories.

ACCESSORIES

Your WARRICK unit will be shipped to you in a wooden crate. He will be wearing a striped white and black button down shirt, black jeans, and a wedding ring. He comes with a fully-equipped field kit as well as a whip to be used for self-flagellation.

OPERATING PROCEDURES

Your WARRICK has been designed to be user-friendly and efficient. His controls are voice-activated. Please state your instructions clearly in English.

USES

Your WARRICK is a human of many talents and can be utilized in several capacities about the home:

Underwater Recovery:

Lose something in your pool? Don't worry! WARRICK can find it! Stand back and watch as this man takes off his shirt and dives into the water to recover your missing object. NOTE: Many ladies love to see a shirtless WARRICK and therefore have a habit of continually losing things in their pools. Subsequently, their WARRICK units have refused to remove their shirts and dive into the pool. Management suggests losing things occasionally rather than on a daily basis so as not to make your WARRICK unit suspicious of your ulterior motive.

Musician:

WARRICK is a very talented musician. He is plays the piano and composes his own music. Whether you're depressed or just want him to perform for a dinner party, plop your WARRICK unit in front of the piano and you're sure to get hours of enjoyment from him.

COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS

Regardless of the mode you have him set to, you will find that your WARRICK has a very good compatibility with other models. Each WARRICK unit is typically set to LAID BACK, which allows him to deal with his coworkers easily. Prolonged exposure to a CATHERINE unit will cause WARRICK's ANIMAL MAGNETISM mode to kick in automatically, making him almost irresistible to any CATHERINE model.

DURABILITY

WARRICK is very tough and can withstand whatever an angry mob might throw his way. However, it is not recommended that you subject him to this. See the following section.

PRECAUTIONS

Do not expose your WARRICK to casinos, corrupt judges, singing drug addicts, or angry mobs. Prolonged exposure to such things may cause irreparable damage to your WARRICK unit's internal wiring. The management is not responsible for any damage to your WARRICK unit should you choose to ignore this warning.

CLEANING

It is highly recommended that you clean your WARRICK unit at least once a week by means of the dishwasher. Of course, if you are having him dive into the pool on a regular basis to perform an underwater recovery mission, he may not need to be bathed that often.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: My WARRICK unit keeps blaming himself for everything that goes wrong and then whips himself repeatedly. How do I get him to stop doing this?

A: Your WARRICK unit is most likely stuck in the GUILT-RIDDEN mode and therefore unlikely to listen to reason. To save your own sanity as well as to preserve your WARRICK unit, duct tape this switch in the OFF position.

Q: I got stuck in an elevator the other day at work and when I finally managed to get out, my WARRICK unit responded by asking me to marry him. I was completely thrown off by this. What should I do about this?

A: The entrapment of those the WARRICK unit loves causes him to immediately switch to the IMPULSIVE mode with the result being that he asks the nearest female to marry him. If you feel that you are not ready for a life-long commitment to your WARRICK unit, I suggest that you purchase a TINA unit because that particular model responds well to impulsive behavior.

Q: I always put my WARRICK unit back on his shelf when I'm done using him for the day, but he doesn't stay put. He has the annoying habit of wondering off to the basement. What does this mean and how can I get him to stop?

A: This behavior is a result of the WARRICK unit not having a proper storyline and therefore, he feels most comfortable residing in the subplot basement. Unfortunately, there is no real cure for this until the powers that be see fit to release him. What you can do is lodge a formal complaint on the hotline (1-800-FREE-WARRICK). Until then, please show your WARRICK unit that you care for him by showering him with some tender loving care.

BOXED SETS

(1) If you buy the WARRICK, TINA, and CATHERINE BOXED SET, you can watch a cat fight erupt between these two lovely ladies. Which woman will win the heart of WARRICK when it's all said and done? Only time will tell.

(3) If you buy the WARRICK and NICK BOXED SET, you can watch these two hotties solve the most difficult crimes in Las Vegas. NOTE: If you push NICK into the pool, WARRICK will automatically feel compelled to save him as part of his underwater recovery function and his feelings of guilt that NICK was the one pushed instead of him. This will allow you to see a shirtless WARRICK and a sopping wet NICK who will be forced to remove his shirt as well once he's rescued.

FINAL NOTE

Given the mortal nature of your unit, WARRICK does not come with a lifetime guarantee. However, with the proper care and treatment, your WARRICK should last anywhere between 40 to 50 years. However, the same assurance cannot be made of his marriage to TINA.

The Warrick figurine was then placed on the shelf before Patrick pulled out the fourth box. Nick listened with undeniable pleasure as the instructions were read.

CONGRATULATIONS! You are now the proud owner of a SARA! In order to obtain top performance from your CSI, please follow the procedures detailed in this manual to use your professed science nerd to her full potential. Your SARA should arrive fully assembled. Please check that you have all her accessories.

ACCESSORIES

Your SARA unit will be shipped to you in a wooden crate. She will be wearing a light blue knit shirt, black jeans, and matching black jacket. She also comes with a fully-equipped field kit as well as her own personal set of emotional baggage. (Sorry, GRISSOM unit sold separately)

OPERATING PROCEDURES

Your SARA has been designed to be user-friendly and efficient. Her controls are voice-activated. Please state your instructions clearly in English.

USES

Your SARA is a woman of many talents and can be utilized in several capacities about the home:

Protector of Battered Women:

If there's one things SARA hates, it's men who beat their wives. This passion is a driving force in SARA and is part of what makes her so dedicated to her job. You can count on SARA to see that any spouse abuser is thrown in jail where he belongs.

Animal Rights Activist:

SARA cares deeply for all animals and works to make sure that they are not mistreated. This vegetarian is handy to have around when it's time to bury your pet gorilla.

COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS

You will find that SARA's compatibility with other models can vary with the mode you have her set to.

When SARA is in her NO BOSS BUT GRISSOM mode, she has little compatibility with the CATHERINE model, especially if CATHERINE is in her ENTITLED mode. In order for these two models to work well together, make sure they are not in these modes. Similarly, her compatibility with the WARRICK is just fine unless he's trying to tell her what to do and she is in NO BOSS BUT GRISSOM mode.

Unsurprisingly, her compatibility with the NICK model is strong - the exception being when SARA is in PROMOTION-SEEKING mode.

Her compatibility with the GREG model remains strong even when SARA is in the I LOVE GRISSOM mode. This is in part do to the fact that the GREG model automatically switches to CHARMING whenever SARA appears and the charm of the GREG model is nearly impossible to resist.

DURABILITY

SARA is very tough and can survive explosions and being threatened with a makeshift knife - though it is not recommended that you test this. See the following section.

PRECAUTIONS

Do not expose your SARA to saliva, EMT's, spouse abusers, mental hospital patients, or the SOFIA model. Prolonged exposure to such things may cause irreparable damage to your SARA unit's internal wiring. The management is not responsible for any damage to your SARA unit should you choose to ignore this warning.

CLEANING

It is highly recommended that you clean your SARA unit at least once a week. You will be pleased to know that your SARA is dishwasher safe. Most units should be cleaned separately, but it is acceptable to wash your SARA unit along with your GREG unit as GREG is a gentleman and does not peak.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: My SARA unit won't stop scowling. How do I fix this problem?

A: It would appear that your SARA unit is stuck in SEASON FOUR mode. This was a particularly moody period for SARA as she was still reeling from yet another rejection by GRISSOM. It is suggested that you avoid this setting so as to maximize your enjoyment of your SARA.

Q: My SARA has developed a undeniable craving for Snickers candy bars. What does this mean?

A: This means that your SARA unit has fallen victim to the charm and allure of the NICK model. She has finally given up on the emotionally-unavailable GRISSOM model and gently rebuffed the young GREG model in favor for a gentleman who knows how to treat a woman properly. And frankly, who could blame her?

Q: I have become concerned about the health of my SARA unit as I keep finding her sucking on cough drops. Should I up her Vitamin C intake to combat her frequent colds?

A: Your SARA is not suffering from colds. This is a distraction on the part of your SARA unit to hide the fact that she has been drinking. The best thing for you to do is lock your liquor cabinet and hide the car keys.

Q: I got my SARA out the other day only to discover that she smelled horribly. The stench was so overpowering that I almost threw up. What happened and how do I make this putrid smell go away?

A: Your SARA unit has been exposed to a decomposing body. This is a very serious matter that requires immediate attention. You must scrub her down with lemons in order to make the smell go away. This process may have to be repeated. If the smell is still present, please contact your certified SARA specialist.

BOXED SETS

(1) If you buy the SARA and GRISSOM BOXED SET, you can observe the interaction of SARA with her supervisor. Watch as SARA's heart is broken time and time again as GRISSOM repeatedly misses his chance to embark on romantic bliss thus illustrating the fact that even geniuses can be idiots at times.

(2) For a short while, you could purchase the SARA and HANK BOXED SET, but this set was recalled when it was discovered that the HANK model possessed faulty wiring which turned him into a lying cheating scumbag who deserved to die a slow and painful death for cheating on SARA. Sadly, this problem could not be fixed so this set, along with the HANK model, was discontinued.

FINAL NOTE

Given the mortal nature of your unit, SARA does not come with a lifetime guarantee. However, with the proper care and treatment, your SARA should last anywhere between 40 to 50 years.

When Sara was placed on the shelf, she immediately walked over to where Grissom was observing the spider, but Nick did not notice this. His eyes were glued on Patrick's hands as he reached inside for yet another box and pulled off the booklet in order to read it.

CONGRATULATIONS! You are now the proud owner of a GREG! In order to obtain top performance from your CSI, please follow the procedures detailed in this manual to use your former lab rat to his full potential. Your GREG should arrive fully assembled. Please check that you have all his accessories.

ACCESSORIES

Your GREG unit will be shipped to you in a wooden crate. He will be wearing a white shirt and a navy sports coat with matching slacks. If this attire does not appeal to you, feel free to change him into the ripped jeans, screened t-shirt, and white lab coat that is included. GREG also comes with a fully-equipped field kit.

OPERATING PROCEDURES

Your GREG has been designed to be user-friendly and efficient. His controls are voice-activated. Please state your instructions clearly in English.

USES

Your GREG possesses many talents and can be utilized in several capacities about the home:

Entertainment Coordinator:

Had a rough day at work? Need some time off? Your GREG unit knows how to help you unwind! He's a fun guy with a great sense of humor and an even bigger heart. He's here to make sure that you're happy. He's got the inside scoop on the hip and happening places to visit and comes programed with dances moves that will ensure that you have a blast on your night off!

Rare Coin Collector:

GREG possesses a thorough knowledge of rare coins. If you would like to know more about your collection or are interested in starting one, GREG is your man. He can make sure that you visit the right dealers - the ones who won't kill you in your home and swipe your collection.

COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS

Regardless of the mode you have him set to, you will find that your GREG is very compatible with other models.

Your GREG unit has the strongest compatibility with the NICK and SARA models. In any mode, GREG and NICK are compatible, sharing an almost brotherly affection. When GREG is not in LOVELORN mode, his compatibility with SARA increases and they share a genuine friendship.

Compatibility with the GRISSOM model increases when GREG is switched to the ANXIOUS TO LEARN mode. In this mode, the GREG unit is exhibiting an intense desire to expand his knowledge base, which is something that appeals to the GRISSOM model.

DURABILITY

GREG is very durable. While his exterior comes fire-proof and explosion-proof, there is some question as to what this does to his internal wiring so it is not recommended that you test this. See the following section.

PRECAUTIONS

Do not expose your GREG to fire, mildew, boy band music, or the HODGES model. Prolonged exposure to such things may cause irreparable damage to your GREG unit's internal wiring. The management is not responsible for any damage to your GREG unit should you choose to ignore this warning.

CLEANING/GROOMING

It is highly recommended that you clean your GREG unit at least once a week. While GREG is dishwasher safe, it is recommended that you do pay special attention to his hair as it needs to be shampooed and styled on a regular basis. To obtain hair care products specially designed for GREG's hair, call 1-800-HIP-HAIR.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: I've discovered that my GREG unit is keeping samples of my DNA in the fridge. I'm concerned that my continual use of hair dye on his hair has damaged my GREG unit's internal wiring. Should I be concerned about this behavior?

A: You have nothing to worry about. There is nothing wrong with your GREG unit's internal wiring. In fact, this behavior is a sign of affection - one of the many unique quirks that GREG possesses. If this behavior bothers you, there are plenty of women who'd be happy to take your GREG unit off your hands.

Q: My GREG unit keeps playing his music at obscene levels, wearing colorful shirts, and dancing around the room. Is this normal?

A: It would appear that your GREG is stuck in LAB RAT mode. If this behavior does not appeal to you and you prefer to have a more mature GREG, switch him to MELLOWED CSI mode and duct tape the LAB RAT switch in the OFF position. If you prefer this kind of behavior, do the opposite but keep in mind that your GREG will now only function in your home as he's no longer allowed "in the field."

Q: My GREG unit's hair has fallen out! How did this happen?

A: There are two possible reasons for this disaster. First, a GREG unit's loss of hair can be tied to the use of non-sanctioned hair care products. Make sure you are only using the pre-approved hair care products that can be purchased via the hotline. Second, you have an ECKLIE unit masquerading as a GREG unit. Due to the unpopularity of the ECKLIE model, a particular unit might don a wig and try to pass himself off as another model. Another way to tell if you truly have an ECKLIE unit is if he constantly repeats any variation of the phrase, "in the best interest of the lab." If you find that you indeed have an ECKLIE unit, call 1-800-NO-ECKLIE for an immediate replacement.

Q: My GREG unit does not respond to the flirtatious advances of my SARA unit. In fact, he completely ignores her, preferring to focus all of his attention on my NICK unit. Why is this happening?

A: Your GREG unit is most likely stuck in SLASH mode. If this behavior does not appeal to you, duct tape the switch in the OFF position. He should then respond to your SARA unit or any female for that matter.

BOXED SETS

(1)You can purchase the LAB RAT BOXED SET. This set includes GREG, HODGES, ARCHIE, and BOBBY. You can watch our favorite techs, who are really the ones who solve the crimes, plot to overthrow the CSIs and claim the lab as their sovereign domain. NOTE: For this set to work properly, GREG must be switched to LAB RAT mode.

(2) For those collectors interested in rare items, the GREG, NICK, and RYAN WOLFE BOXED SET is right up your alley. It's hard to find crossover sets, but you're sure to enjoy this one. Why? Well first off, who wouldn't want a box of hotties? Second, if GREG and NICK had a love child, his name would be RYAN WOLFE. The resemblance is uncanny and just a touch freaky.

FINAL NOTE

With the proper care and treatment, your GREG unit should grow and mature into an intelligent and very capable CSI. He should last anywhere between 50 to 60 years.

Once he was deposited on the shelf, Nick watched in amusement as the Greg figurine promptly sat down on the ledge and began to swing his legs back and forth. However, his attention was soon recaptured by Patrick who had reached inside to pull out the sixth and final box. Knowing what figurine was most likely inside, Nick's heart was beating rapidly as Patrick read aloud from the manual.

CONGRATULATIONS! You are now the proud owner of a NICK! In order to obtain top performance from your CSI, please follow the procedures detailed in this manual to use your Texan to his full potential. Your NICK should arrive fully assembled. Please check that you have all his accessories.

ACCESSORIES

Your NICK unit will be shipped to you in a plexiglass crate. He will be wearing a white, button down shirt complete with his CSI work vest, and a pair of jeans. He also comes with his blue jumpsuit and a fully-equipped field kit.

NOTE: It is strongly recommended that you remove your NICK unit from his plexiglass crate as soon as it arrives as failing to do so may have disastrous results on the sensitive wiring of your NICK unit.

OPERATING PROCEDURES

Your NICK has been designed to be user-friendly and efficient. His controls are voice-activated and since he respects authority, he responds well to orders. Please state your instructions clearly in English. No Southern accent required.

USES

Your NICK is not just another pretty face. He is a human of many talents and can be utilized in several capacities about the home:

Selfless Defender

NICK is willing to risk life and limb to help the defenseless because he is well-acquainted with what it's like to be a victim. He can connect with virtually anyone and exhibits genuine concern, thereby making him the ideal person to champion the victim's cause. However, this feature has been known to get NICK in trouble at times so please refrain from continual use.

Loyal Companion:

NICK is a committed friend. He will stick with you through good times and bad times, providing comfort without judgement. He is especially good at helping a friend withstand the temptation to gamble.

Translator:

NICK is bilingual. His Spanish is nearly fluent and this will come in handy when you travel through Mexico or any state in the US for that matter.

COMPATIBILITY WITH OTHER MODELS

Regardless of the mode you have him set to, you will find that your NICK has a very strong compatibility with other models, with the exception of the GRISSOM model. While set to ANXIOUS TO PLEASE or APPROVAL NEEDED, it is virtually impossible to have your NICK unit work well with the GRISSOM model. Ironically, a NICK set to either of these modes will cause the CATHERINE model to show intense affection that borders coddling towards NICK. However, once set to SELF-RELIANT, your NICK unit will function much better with the GRISSOM model and will put an end to the coddling of the CATHERINE model.

The NICK unit is perhaps the most compatible with the WARRICK model. They share an uncommonly strong bond and work together very well. However, prolonged exposure to the WARRICK model will cause the NICK unit to automatically slip into COMPETITIVE mode, but don't worry. It's all in good fun.

While the NICK model may appear to be compatible with the NIGEL CRANE model, this is an illusion as the NIGEL model is permanently set in the CREEPY STALKER mode. Any perceived compatibility is a delusion on the part of the NIGEL mode and he should be kept as far away from your NICK unit as possible.

DURABILITY

NICK is very tough and can withstand severe abuse without breaking. He can be threatened at gunpoint repeatedly, tossed out a two-story window, buried alive, and subjected to multiple ant bites and still remain virtually unscathed - though it is not recommended that you test this. See the following section.

PRECAUTIONS

Do not expose your NICK to prostitutes, cable installation men, small enclosed spaces, or crawling insects of any kind. Prolonged exposure to such things may cause irreparable damage to your NICK unit's internal wiring. The management is not responsible for any damage to your NICK unit should you choose to ignore this warning.

CLEANING

It is highly recommended that you clean your NICK unit at least once a week. While other models are dishwasher safe, this is not recommended for the NICK model since the dishwasher is a dark, enclosed space. To clean your NICK unit, strip him down and bathe him in warm, soapy water.

FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS

Q: My NICK unit keeps spouting off information about birds. I'm afraid that he's been watching too much television. Will this produce any adverse effects?

A: It is a common misconception that NICK is an illiterate jock who only gathers his information from television. In reality, he has an extensive ornithology library and has devoted hours to studying his books. You can encourage this hobby by taking your NICK unit on the occasional bird-watching outing.

Q: My NICK keeps asking me if I've had the cable man install the new sports package. Is this something that I should get to increase the performance of my NICK unit?

A: Under no circumstances should you do this as it will most likely lead to your NICK unit suffering multiple physical and emotional injuries and possibly your own untimely death at the hands of a psychotic who wishes to have your NICK unit all to himself.

Q: My NICK unit doesn't seem to have a social life. Is it normal for this unit not to interact romantically with other female models or is this some sort of a malfunction?

A: This is perfectly normal for your NICK unit. NICK appears to have chosen a life of celibacy as the last female he slept with ended up dead.

Q: My NICK unit keeps crying. How do I make him stop?

A: Your NICK unit is most likely still in VICTIMIZED mode. It is recommended that you duct tape that switch into the OFF position as there is only so much trauma your NICK unit can take before short-circuiting.

BOXED SETS

(1) If you buy the CSI BOXED SET, you can observe the interaction of NICK with his coworkers. Watch the family dynamic play out as together they unite to solve the crimes that plague Las Vegas. While switched to the ANXIOUS TO PLEASE or APPROVAL NEEDED modes, you can watch GRISSOM ignore NICK and in contrast, see CATHERINE coddle NICK. You can watch NICK in any mode interact with the WARRICK, SARA, and GREG models with brotherly affection.

(2) If you buy the NICK and KRISTY BOXED SET, you can relive the first time they met and see NICK's talent as a selfless defender displayed with full force. This set is for adults only as NICK and KRISTY do participate in R-rated activities. NOTE: Due to the unpopularity of the KRISTY model, this BOXED SET is no longer being made.

(3) If you buy the NICK, WALTER GORDON, and UNKNOWN ACCOMPLICE BOXED SET, you can reenact NICK's abduction and burial over and over again. However, the purchase of this set requires a three-day waiting period as a full background check is run on all potential buyers in order to ascertain the buyer's reasons for wanting to see NICK buried alive over and over again.

FINAL NOTE

Given the fact that NICK has survived so many life-threatening situations already, one can only wonder if his luck will run out next time. Therefore, you must be sure to keep your NICK unit out of harm's way. With the proper care and treatment, your NICK unit should last anywhere between 50 to 60 years.

Nick waited for Patrick to open the crate to pull out the smaller version of himself, but Patrick did not. Instead, he put the plexiglass crate on the shelf next to Greg and said, "I think I'll leave him right where he is."

Panic began to rise in his chest as he watched the mini-Nick pound on the glass in an attempt to break free. The floating Nick screamed for the figurines of his friends to help his trapped counterpart but they made no effort to do so. Patrick threw back his head and laughed maniacally, drowning out the sound of Nick's protests.

Suddenly, the sound of a shrill noise pulled Nick from the realm of dreams. Realizing that he was not trapped inside a plexiglass crate, he willed himself to calm down enough to answer his phone.

"Yeah?" he answered, wiping a hand across his sweaty forehead. "Oh, hey Greg. No, I'm okay. I just had the most interesting dream."

-Fin-