Disclaimer: I do not own DragonLance, its characters, or its settings. I just write amusing fanfics about it.

Kender Spork of Turning

Chapter Four

Dalamar wrapped the bandage around his hand in a slow, jerky manner. He had never been a morning person (and elves usually were) and he had never been a fan of kender (and elves usually weren't). Put the two together and…

"Hell, you get hell," Dalamar snapped. "When I die, Takhisis is going to torture me with kender. There will be enough kender that I'll attempt to convert to Paladine just to get away—"

"Then Paladine will realize you're a lying, sorry excuse for an elf and he'll send you straight back."

Dalamar had never been much of a jumper. In fact, as a child, he had refused to play hopscotch and instead sulked about how they never played games he wanted to play, such as "World Conqueror". But this time, Dalamar jumped straight up at the sound of Raistlin's voice.

"Master! How…how…I thought you died!"

"Yes, but this is what we call a plot hole. After all, Fizban shouldn't be in the same time period as your reign as Master of the Tower. Which you're not anymore, by the way, since I'm back."


"What did you do to your hand?"

Dalamar replied dryly, "A fork stabbing occurred."

Raistlin rolled his eyes. "Gods, I always knew you were stupid, but stupid enough to miss the plate and stab your own hand? I seriously thought my opinion of you could sink no lower."

"It wasn't my fault!" Dalamar practically screamed. He'd had it up to his pointy little ears of idiots for the day and it wasn't even 5:30 in the morning yet. Of course, he would never call Raistlin an idiot after what happened the first and last time he did. He'd spent the night in the basement with the Live Ones. And, apparently, there were female Live Ones (or homosexual ones, but Dalamar really didn't want to think about that). Dalamar couldn't blame them for finding him attractive (everybody did) but still…he shivered just to think about it. "It was that damn kender's fault!"

Raistlin froze. "Tas?"


"You let Tasslehoff Burrfoot into my Tower?"

Dalamar knew that tone. It was Raistlin dangerous "About to VooDoo Your Face" tone. He was in trouble now. The elf shrank back. "I don't know how he got in…it's not like I opened the front door for him!"

Raistlin advanced slowly, his golden hands gripping his staff so tight that his knuckles turned a pale yellow. "What did he take? Did he take something? Of course he took something, he always takes something! What did he take!"

"Woah now, too close. Personal space is needed." Dalamar shoved Raistlin out of his bubble with a finger. "This isn't Brokeback Tower or anything."


"Anyway, he took a fork."

"A fork?"

"A fork."

"You let him take a fork?"

"I didn't think it would be that big a deal. It's just a piece of silverware." That got ripped out of my hand by that kender sob, Dalamar added quietly to himself.

"Oh, he didn't think it would be that big a deal," Raistlin said sarcastically.

"…Who are you talking to when you do that?"

"Look," Raistlin said, his hourglass eyes narrowing. "You let him take small stuff and he'll think he can take whatever he wants without punishment. It's like that with children."

"Because you know so much about parenting."

"Look at you. With you sleeping patterns, there are probably some Dalamar and Dalamarette juniors running around somewhere and you're a sucky parent."


Raistlin turned his back on the elf and began to walk towards the door. he glanced over his shoulder and said, when it became obvious Dalamar wasn't going to follow, "C'mon, we have to go fetch my fork back and finally teach Tas a lesson about stealing from me!"

Dalamar sighed and got up. He really had no say in the matter—Raistlin was his Shalafi after all. However, he stopped dead as Raistlin whirled around to face him.

"Do you still have my mark on your chest?"

"Hell yes and it won't heal." Dalamar glared darkly at the other mage.

Raistlin laughed. "Score."

End of Chapter 4

Sorry this took so long! But its spring break and I'm in a real writing mood lately! I'll be working on some other stuff that hasn't gotten updated for awhile, but I'll return to this one hopefully soon! Review and let me know what you think (this chapter was rather out there, wasn't it?)