Why Wizards and Computers Don't Mix

Setting: compatible with any book prior to and during HBP; not afterwards.

Severus Snape shifted in the stiff, uncomfortable wooden chair alongside the table in the staff room. As he waited for the weekly staff meeting to begin. The other teachers were chatting idly, surreptitiously casting glances at the door. Apparently someone was late. Severus glanced around him. Damn. It was that bloody Trelawney again. She was probably lost again; those thick spectacles of hers didn't help her eyesight anymore than they did her seeing ability.

"So, Severus." Damn. Now Minerva wanted him to join in the mindless chatter, too. "What's this we hear about you and our young Mr. Potter?"

Snape raised an eyebrow, irritated and thoroughly nonplussed. "Do I want to know?" He asked dryly.

"Oh, stop it Severus," Pomona Sprout said, grinning widely at him. "Why haven't you told us already? Is it not official yet? Harry knows, right?"

Severus was even more confused. What the hell were they on about? "Does Potter know what?"

"Well, blimey, Snape, if yeh gonna make this kind o' commitment then deny it, maybe yeh should rethink this." Hagrid said, glaring at Severus suspiciously.

"Yes, Severus, you really shouldn't let the boy down. He needs a steady parental figure in his life." Filius added.

"Poor boy, Someone murmured. Snape nearly roared in frustration. "What the sodding hell are you lot talking about?"

The staff table went quiet.

"Well," Minerva said, "We read that you had adopted Harry Potter recently."

"WHAT!" Snape exclaimed, shocked and revolted. "Where the blazes did you read that?"

"On this Muggle contraption called a compyouter," Sinistra explained, the foreign word coming reluctantly from her lips, "On a spiderweb called fanfiction. We thought it was correct."

"So you're not adopting Harry Potter?" Minerva asked skeptically.

"Hell, no. I'd sooner feed myself to the Giant Squid."

"Blast. Guess I better catch that owl." Pomona said, standing up.

A chorus of "me too"s echoed throughout the staff room as one by one all of the teachers rose from their seats and left, leaving Severus shocked, his mind still trying to process the fact that his coworkers had actually thought that he would adopt that insolent, cheeky brat. And citing a Muggle object as a serious source to boot!

"Is the meeting already over?" Trelawney asked from the doorway, glasses askew and in her hand a bottle of cooking sherry.

At that same, exact moment, Harry Potter was hurriedly trying to take all of the letters from the flock of owls that had just landed on his chessboard in the Gryffindor common room.

"Bloody hell," said Ron. "I wonder what they're all about."

A few moments later a strangled scream could be heard all throughout Gryffindor Tower.