Tourtent, the Terrible

Nothing belongs to me, just the ideas. Wrote this a long time ago, but I still enjoy it, hope you do too.

"Goodwin, load me up." Rafe bellowed, beckoning his squire.

Goodwin responded quickly thanks to years of practice, "On it." He quickly loaded another rifle and threw it to Rafe as he threw back his now empty weapon, which Goodwin quickly reloaded.

They were in the back end of an alley, with demons charging from the entrance. Goodwin stood behind Rafe with a large arsenal of weapons ready for Rafe's disposal. There were still about half a dozen demons swarming the alleyway but Goodwin wasn't worried, Rafe would take care of them soon enough and he would never let one of them get near him.

"Goodwin down!" Rafe shouted. Goodwin ducked immediately and felt a bullet whiz by his head. He looked up and saw a demon that had been sneaking up on him get shot in the chest. Rafe followed it up swiftly and sliced the demon across the chest. Goodwin loved watching those little portals open up and smiled as the demon plunged into a sea of fiery red flame. It was a few more minutes before the alleyway was all clear of demon life.

Rafe dusted off his hands as Goodwin looked at his watch, "Hey, I think you may have surpassed your personal best." Goodwin exclaimed, holding up his watch as proof.

"I don't think so, I was slowed down by that one that snuck up on you."

Goodwin shrugged in response, "So, back to the bus or you wanna check out a few more dark alleys?" He asked, glancing at his watch again and realizing the late hour.

"Let's head home, I've had enough for tonight." Rafe said almost wearily. Goodwin nodded in agreement and began to gather their weapons. He took Rafe's empty rifle off his hands and handed him a loaded one that Rafe placed in the back of his coat. One of Rafe's rules was to be armed at all times. Goodwin shouldered the pack with the rest of the weapons and grinned as they headed down the alley and headed out the back way. Sara was waiting in the car around the corner taking neighbourhood readings for a new project of hers, she'd be happy they were heading home too.

Rafe suddenly stopped and motioned for Goodwin to do the same. They spun around and saw a dark figure at the entrance of the alley, they could easily keep going in the direction they were headed and ignore him but from Rafe's reaction it was obvious the guy was a demon.

Goodwin sighed and removed the bag from his shoulder as Rafe headed down the alley to greet the demon head on. The man also walked forward and met Rafe halfway down the alley. Neither man had any visible weapons, Rafe's sword and artillery were tucked safely within his coat, but there was no way of knowing what this demon had with him.

He had the look of a gentleman of the late 1800's. He wore an overdramatic top hat and his shirt and pants were of the fashion of that century. Goodwin thought it odd, but hell this guy was a demon, what did he expect. We're never gonna get home, one of you do something already. Goodwin thought as both men just stood there.

The demon smiled, he removed his hat and bowed respectively. "Greetings Immortal. I am Tourtent Cremal, also called Tourtent the Terrible. You may have heard of me." The man said with a lavish grin. He had the hilt of a French accent, but spoke perfect English.

Rafe looked somewhat confused, "Raphael Cain, and I don't believe I have heard of you." He looked to Goodwin for some explanation, Goodwin only shrugged, never before had a demon introduced himself with such a flourish and proper manner.

Tourtent seemed dismayed by this news, "You haven't? Well perhaps you know of some of my work. The battle of little Big Horn for example. I was Custer's right hand man." Tourtent threw his hat in the air and it disappeared in a flourish of flames.

"Well I've heard of that particular battle, yes. So, what can I do for you Mr. Cremal?" Goodwin chuckled inwardly at Rafe's obvious discomfort.

"Why, I'm here to fight you of course. All anyone ever talks about in the underworld these days is how the big bad Immortal is impossible to defeat, even in an unfair fight. Really these stories can't all be true so I've come to see for myself." Tourtent replied, rather politely.

"Tourtent the Terrible eh?" Cremal nodded, "Goodwin, write that name down, we'll look it up when we get home." Rafe shouted to his squire. Goodwin nodded and searched himself for a pen. Tourtent smiled, obviously appreciating the gesture. He looked to see whom Rafe was talking to and noticed Goodwin for the first time.

"My my, the squire as well. I do apologize my lad I didn't even see you in those dreadful shadows. Well, I'll have to take a shot at you as well once I've defeated your mentor." Tourtent said, with a polite smile still plastered on his face.

Goodwin paled slightly but couldn't help but think how odd this demon was. He was apologizing for being rude even though he obviously had every intention of killing them. What a loon. Hope Rafe kills him soon.

Rafe became suddenly serious and looked rather threatening. He had at first enjoyed the slight humour in the situation but now he was completely focused to destroy the demon. Rafe pulled out his sword, "Okay, you want a fight. Let's go." Rafe lifted his sword above his head but stopped short of swinging when Tourtent put up his arms for him to stop.

"Please, my good man. Swords indeed! I was thinking of a more traditional fight, such as a quick draw." Tourtent said in all seriousness.

"You're kidding?" Goodwin inquired, this being the first time he'd spoken since this wacko arrived.

"Not in the slightest. This is the perfect location. Your squire there can even say "draw". It's completely fair. If you win I'll gladly let you send me back to Hell, I wouldn't be able to live down losing anyway." Goodwin realized just how confident Tourtent was that he would win.

Rafe looked over at Goodwin, who just shrugged, although this was completely insane, so was the demon. Rafe nodded, "Fair enough."

Tourtent seemed practically giddy, "Excellent, you go down there a few paces and I'll retreat to my end of the alley. Oh, this should be fun indeed." He practically skipped to the other end of the dark corridor.

Rafe went to Goodwin, "This demon is completely insane." He commented.

"So I've noticed. Just shoot him and get it over with, I really feel like getting home, I'm starving." Goodwin added.

Rafe agreed, "Yeah, I wanna get home too. Well I guess you're the ref." Rafe clapped Goodwin's shoulder.

"Lucky me." He mumbled under his breath.

Rafe walked down the alley someways and when he felt he was far enough away pulled back the length of his coat to reveal a magnum strapped to his side. His fingers hovered millimetres from the weapon.

Goodwin moved to a position he felt was halfway between the two duelers. Rafe was obviously ready, Tourtent was in a similar position but had his hand reaching almost behind his back. Goodwin couldn't see Tourtent's weapon and hoped he wasn't cheating.

"Uh, ready?" Goodwin asked hesitantly. Both men were now very serious and gave only a slight nod to acknowledge. Goodwin sucked in a deep breath and yelled out, "Draw!"

As soon as he said it, Goodwin backed away, not wishing to get caught in the crossfire. He watched in awe as both men moved faster than the mind's eye. He mainly watched Rafe, and what happened next quickly became embedded into his mind for all time. Something so mind shattering that Goodwin would never forget it.

Before Rafe could even pull his gun from his holster he was hit, head on. The impact was incredible and Goodwin watched as Rafe stumbled back, stunned. Goodwin could only stare in awe as Rafe was hit. Rafe had never lost before, not like he'd done this many times, but still he'd never lost. And to see him hit so hard was mind boggling.

Goodwin was practically in a trance and when he snapped out of it he took in the entire situation. Rafe was hurting and trying to recover best he could, Goodwin glanced to Rafe's opponent who was grinning from ear to ear, looking all too pleased with himself.

Goodwin did the only thing he could do.

He laughed.

It wasn't just a chuckle, it was immense hysterics. In all his four hundred years never had he seen anything close to this and never had he laughed so hard. He fell to the ground he was laughing so hard, unable to hold it in anymore. He absently wiped tears from his eyes and looked up at Rafe, which only made matters worse as he began to spasm once more with hysterical laughter.

Rafe glared at Goodwin the best he could and wiped his eyes clean. He had seen and done a lot of things in his four hundred years, but never had he ever ...

... had a cream pie thrown in his face.

The pie had hit its target perfectly. Rafe silently wished he had pulled his hair back, because there was cream and pie fillings splattered all throughout his long dark hair. He figured his leather coat was probably ruined as well. Worst of all was that Goodwin had seen all of it. He still rolled around on the ground, anyone watching would have thought he was having a seizure. He began gasping for breath.

"I'm sorry, Rafe," Goodwin managed between heaves of chuckles, "but that was just too perfect." Another round of laughter. "The look on your face." Goodwin squeaked out. It was obvious speaking would be impossible for awhile as he began to laugh harder than before.

Rafe began to remove the pie remnants from his person when he heard another chuckle mixed in with Goodwin's laughter. He looked up and saw the demon laughing at him as well. He managed to compose himself much better than Goodwin but he was laughing nonetheless. Rafe felt his blood boil and headed toward the demon, his sword held ready.

The demon just put up his hands in defeat as Rafe approached, "Oh send me to Hell. It will be very much worth it after seeing that. A cream covered Immortal, how delightful. Or should I say delectable?" Rafe heard Goodwin's laughter somehow getting even louder. "Come now, your young friend there has a sense of humour. You're lucky it was a pie, I'm also known for my deadly cake toss." Tourtent quipped.

Goodwin suddenly had a mental image of Rafe covered in cake as well as pie. That certainly didn't help matters any. "Chocolate or vanilla?" He gasped.

"Both! And ice cream cake as well." Tourtent replied humorously.

"I can so see it."

"Goodie, shut up!" Rafe ordered.

"I can't!" Goodwin admitted honestly, but somehow managed to pull himself to his feet and walk over to Rafe. He spooned up a little of the cream with his finger and tasted it. "Lemon too. Rafe just cause you don't eat doesn't mean you have to find alternative ways of getting uses out of food. Like clothing."

Tourtent sighed, "I fear I wasted a perfectly good pie."

"No you didn't, trust me." Goodwin assured him, his laughter barely subsiding as he spoke. He had to lean against the nearest building just to stay on his feet.

"You know you're right." Tourtent nodded and began convulsing almost as bad as Goodwin.

Rafe had had just about enough. He lashed out quickly and grabbed Tourtent roughly by the shirt collar and got right up in his face. "Don't worry Immortal, you're still the cream of the crop." Tourtent laughed just as hard, and just when Rafe was about to speak he was smacked in the face once more by another pie.

He backed away, Tourent held up the second pie tray triumphantly. Rafe turned, unfortunately Goodwin had seen that and was now sprawled out on the ground, as if he was in on the biggest joke in the world. There was no chance of reaching him now. He did manage to come up to Rafe once more and again taste the pie.

"Coconut!" Goodwin exclaimed. "You know I always hated coconut but I think it looks good on you." And he once more leaned against the building for support.

Just then the worst thing Rafe could imagine happened.

"Oh! My! God!"

Sara had come in search of Rafe and Goodwin but got much more than he bargained for. Sara was almost worse than Goodwin, Rafe thought to himself. She reverberated with hysterics as well.

Goodwin managed to stumble over to Sara, "He got creamed!" He announced almost triumphantly. This caused them both to convulse worse. "Twice!" He added some time later.

Rafe crossed his arms and patiently waited for the laughing to die down. This could take centuries. He thought to himself. But centuries, he had.

Tourtent suddenly came up from behind Rafe, looking very mischievous, "Goodwin, my dear fellow, you're someone who can take a joke aren't you?" Goodwin only managed a nod in response, as he clutched his sides and gasped for air.

"Good." Tourtent pulled a pie from thin air and flung it at Goodwin. He had a feeling it was coming though, he saw Rafe pied twice and he was no fool. Goodwin dodged to the side as soon as he saw Tourtent pull his arm back, the pie flew through the air harmlessly.

That is until it hit Sara on the side of the face. All laughter stopped there. Rafe didn't find it funny and Sara certainly did not. Tourtent felt bad for striking a woman with his pie and Goodwin was in shock. For all of 1 second. Goodwin burst out laughing once more and feared his sides would rip open. "Cream is definitely your color, Sara." Goodwin squeaked.

Rafe moderately chuckled at this. Sara glared at him hard, "You think this is funny?"

"Yes!" Was the immediate response from Goodwin, sprawled on the ground convulsing badly. "It's hysterical."

Sara looked at herself and looked at Rafe. She was a bit more open-minded than Rafe and even chuckled herself. She tasted some of the pie. "Mmmm, strawberry." She announced cheerily.

"Well I don't have to make desert tonight, you guys are wearing it." Goodwin said from the ground.

Finally breaking, Rafe and Sara both began to laugh, not as immensely as Goodwin, but good heartedly. When Goodwin finally had some control he announced, "Hey, Rafe's got lemon and coconut."

Sara turned to Tourtent and glared at him, "You wasted a lemon pie?" She asked incredulously.

"He didn't waste it." Goodwin reminded her slyly.

"Quite right. But here you go, for you Mademoiselle." Tourtent pulled a beautiful lemon pie from behind his back and handed it to Sara. She smiled graciously.

"Thank you." She replied before slamming the pie into Tourtent's face.

Tourtent spit out a piece of pie, "Touche my dear."

Sara smiled and looked over at Goodwin, the only one left unpied. "Goodwin come here." She said mischievously as she approached the young immortal.

"Not on your life." Goodwin replied, immediately backing away from Sara as fast as possible.

"I only want a hug, come on Goodie. Get over here." Sara chased him full speed now. They raced around the garbage cans and behind the dumpsters. Goodwin grabbed a garbage can lid and deflected the shots Sara was taking at him with remnant pieces of pie. Raphael watched with amusement as they battled back and forth, Sara finally gave up without managing to get any pie on Goodwin whatsoever. Goodwin still kept his distance though, just in case.

Sara looked around a moment, "Where did the pie guy go?"

"I don't know." Rafe had been so caught up in the fight he hadn't noticed the man leave.

"He's probably reloading, let's get out of here before he comes back with his vicious strawberry tart." Goodwin suggested. The others smiled and they made their way out of the alley, all of them grinning from ear to ear.

Sara tried one last time to splatter Goodwin with pie. He dodged the attempt and ran ahead of the two. "There is no way I'm getting creamed like you two." He said adamantly, staying a few paces ahead of them.

He turned the corner and cream filling flew through the air as he came face to face with a plate full of pie. Goodwin gasped and wiped his eyes clean. There was no sign of the Pie Man. He looked at Sara and Rafe and sighed. Then tasted the pie casually and grimaced in disgust.

"Uh, rhubarb."

The End

Author's Notes - Important

The Pie Man is not a demon, but gives off a tingle as a mystical creature because he is just that. He goes around from place to place bringing joy to those who need it. Creating stronger relationships among friends and family and making the world a better place.

He can be whomever he wishes. In this fic he was Tourtent Cremal and he was French. Tourte is French for Pie and Creme is French for Cream. So essentially his name was Cream Pie. (My French teacher says a lot of things in the French language are rearranged when translated). As a subtle pun I put in he was Custer's right hand man, cause Custer sounds like Custard. It's corny I know.

This man was completely my creation and who knows, maybe we'll see him again someday. Only time will tell.