Title: Rain and Fire (up to Heaven)

Author: Orilon

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: mentions of CM Punk/Alex Shelley and CM Punk/other

Spoiler warning: brief ones for ROH's It All Begins and Third Anniversary Part 2

Disclaimer: Everything from Ring of Honor (ROH) belongs to Gabe Sapolsky and everything from TNA belongs to the Jarrett family and Panda Energy. The wrestlers belong to themselves. Title comes from Favorite Game by Coroner from their self titled CD.

Distribution: If you want it, take it, but let me know where.

Summary: CM Punk's thoughts after Alex Shelley tried to apologize after their match from ROH's Third Anniversary Part 2 show.

Feedback: Please. This is the first story I've done with CM Punk.

I can't believe Alex did that.

I had to walk out of the ring because I couldn't trust myself to not break kayfabe if I stayed or talked to him. It's been several months since I had any contact with him beyond what was required for matches because I'm trying to distance myself from him and break my ties to him but its not working.

Every time I'm near him I feel the side of me that loves him come up full force and take over reason. I brutally push it down because he hurt me and it feels like I'm cutting my own heart but I can't let it stay because it hurts even more to let it stay out. I try to combat it with the side that doesn't love him anymore, but that only works when I'm not around him. Walking away and distance is the only thing that allows me to bring out of the part of me that doesn't care anymore.

When he apologized for past behavior it brings up memories that I want to forget.

Colt's uncomfortably shifting his feet. When I ask what's wrong, a knife enters my heart and twists when he tells me that Alex was drunk and seduced him and since he was drunk too, they…

I violently push down the memory. I refuse to remember that but that one brings up other ones...

No one in the TNA locker room will look me in the eye and I hear people talking behind my back about…

I even more violently push down that memory, which is even worse than the first. When TNA gave out its ultimatum of either TNA or ROH, I chose ROH partially because I wanted to get away from …him and partially because The Gathering was going nowhere. I don't understand why it is harder this time to get rid of my feelings for Alex now than to get rid of my feelings for …him.

I also don't understand why Alex would apologize to me in the ring now when his attempt to apologize to Colt a month ago failed. The part of me that I want to get rid of was glad the Colt made the save when Strong and Aries were attacking Alex, but it twisted my heart when he said he was sorry for his sins against the Saints, meaning Colt and me. Colt's answer about it not being about Alex but about Aries and the gold was a nice way to stay in character, further the Generation Next/Saints angle and avoid airing our dirty laundry in the middle of the ring.

I had thought I had totally gotten rid of the part of me that still loved him, but the force of the swirling emotions that came up tonight proved me wrong. This is killing me to still have these emotions coming up every time I see or hear him.

I've been walking away from him backstage and now that I've heard what he had to say in the ring, I have to rebuild those walls that he broke so effortlessly tonight.

I can't take this anymore.