Disclaimer: Death note is not mine. I suck way too much to come up with such a fabulous plot.
Warnings: TWT, and OoC-ness, maybe? I tried to keep them in character, but it takes someone better than myself to manage a L/R pairing in a humor fic, methinks.
L tosses another sugar cube into the cup on the table in front of him. How many has he put in so far? Eight? Nine? He'd lost count when he got caught up in his thoughts about a discovery he just made. Perhaps he should share it with Raito? Yes, he probably should. It was going to be very important to their relationship very quickly.
Dark eyes fix on the golden brown head of hair bent over the keyboard.
"Yagami-kun?" L addresses the young man seated at the other computer.
"What is it Ryuzaki?" Raito murmurs absently, his attention on his research paper for class. There was no point in working himself up over every little thing the older boy said, since his doing so would only encourage the other in his misplaced suspicions of his being Kira.
Not that they were exactly misplaced per se, seeing as he was in fact Kira, but he was trying to dissuade his companion of the notion. Raito has calculated the odds himself and realizes that if he jumps to attention every time that L opens his mouth he only increases the detective's suspicions. So he continues to work on translating his collected notes into a coherent piece of thought.
"I don't think we should shower anymore."
L has Raito's full attention.
"I beg your pardon?" the younger genius asks blankly.
Dark eyes peered considering at him through a fall of dark shaggy hair. "I said, 'I don't think we should shower anymore,' " L repeats patiently.
The research paper is suddenly unimportant.
"Yes, I heard what you said. You see, what I really meant was, 'How did a reported genius such as yourself come to such an asinine conclusion?' " the teen politely corrects himself.
"You're not going to like what I'm about to say," L observes dispassionately.
"I already don't like what you're saying. Why should that start bothering you now?" Raito pointes out in an equally dispassionate voice. His hands twitch as he resists going for the older boy's throat.
Poisoning the sugar. L would never resist the little white cubes and he could die a slow, agonizing death. Of course poison has the downside of being traceable. More to the point, it wouldn't give him near the satisfaction that say… repeatedly impaling L with a dessert fork doubtlessly would.
Just for argument's sake of course. Raito Yagami would never kill L. Unless L doesn't start explaining himself. Right. This. Instant.
Apparently the dark eyed boy realizes the peril his life is currently in as he hurries to elaborate on his earlier statement.
"I believe that the cuffs are beginning to rust inside. If we continue to shower then it will only get worse." L digs his toes into the chair he is currently perched on, lifting an arm to peer more closely at the chain attached to his wrist. Raito raises his own arm in response and stares into the dark little hole that leads to his freedom and very sanity with a dreadful sense of horrified fascination. Red crawls from deep inside the blackness, slowly eating away at the gleaming metal.
Yep. It's rusting.
Raito narrows his eyes at the metal then turns his attention to his companion. He speaks in a carefully controlled voice.
"… I hate you."
"I calculated that there would be a ninety-eight percent chance that you'd say that," L smiles faintly, seeming almost pleased with himself for anticipating this response.
"Fabulous! You're smart enough to know how I'm going to respond to a given situation before I do, but you're not smart enough to buy rust resistant cuffs when you knew we were going to be chained together for the next God knows how long." Raito's says with a bright (and obviously fake) enthusiasm.
"Technically, Watari-san bought the cuffs," L corrects mildly and pokes at the fruit in a bowl to find a good looking piece to eat with his whipped cream.
Raito makes a noise that sounds suspiciously like a tea kettle whistle.
L stops his search for the ultimate fruit and stares in fascination as the rage actually brings a faint flush rushing attractively beneath the skin of his favorite adversary. Slowly the other boy calms himself down, although it is an obvious struggle. L pops a whip-creamed strawberry in his mouth and quietly contemplates what he would have to say about the Kira case to push Raito to such an edge again.
It was quite fascinating. And rather attractive, really.
The young man rarely showed his honest reactions so openly. Thus the opportunity to see him express sincere emotion is a rare treat for the curious detective… So long as one ignores the fact that said emotions are potentially hazardous to his health, L could quite get used to seeing the other boy's responsiveness.
"Do you have the key?" Raito asks after he has regained his control.
Silently L fishes the shiny metal from his pocket and hands the key to his companion, and waits as Raito turns the key in the lock. There is a faint 'snick' sound and then an unpleasant grinding noise.
The key is now stuck.
He jiggles it a bit, then frantically scrabbles to try and get it to turn in any direction without any luck.
"… I really hate you."
"Yes, I imagine you do right about now. I don't suppose it would make you feel any better to point out that I'm not exactly pleased with the circumstances at hand either?"
"Hm," the light haired boy cocks his head thoughtfully. "Nope. It doesn't make me feel any better. We have to get this stupid thing off."
"Should I be insulted that you seem so eager to escape my presence?" L wonders as he dips another strawberry into the creamy white substance. He washes it down with a sip from his sweetened tea.
"Ryuzaki, I can't stay chained to you for the rest of my life. I can't. Just about everything you do irritates me. You irritate me. If I find that I am stuck with you longer than is necessary I will kill us both, and Kira will be laughing wherever he is when I do."
"Oooh! Good one! Blaming Kira for your killing L! Hyuk Hyuk!" Ryuk laughs from where is currently sprawled on the couch observing this new turn of events. Raito ignores him. His attention is on the detective with his dark lined eyes. Raito rather wishes he had contributed directly to their rather bruised appearance.
"We don't have any tools to break it off with. Everything that could potentially be used as a weapon was removed before we were chained together. And I don't think I'm that irritating," L finishes in a hurt tone.
Raito closes his eyes and inhales sharply before slumping back in his chair with a resigned sigh. "I suppose we will have to wait until the rest of the team shows up and have them help us get out."
"Um, about that… since we changed hotels Watari is the only one who knows where we are. We can't get into contact with the rest of the team because they are under strict orders to not turn their phones on until Watari contacts them with the new location."
"Okay, then we will simply wait until Watari-san returns and have him help us get out. He's partially to blame for this problem the least he can do is help fix it." Raito waves an elegant hand in dismissal.
"Yes, but that's the part you're not going to like," L murmurs quietly into his cup. Raito's head snaps up and his eyes pin L where he balances. "You see the phone call I just got was from the hospital. Watari was going out to pick up some chocolate for me and he was mobbed by a bunch of orange midgets. He's in a coma."
"Apparently they were singing angry songs about slave labor and factory work. And then all of a sudden they went crazy and started attacking people. It was very peculiar. As soon as we wrap up the Kira case I think I'll look into it." L nibbles on his thumb thoughtfully.
"Let me get this straight. Watari-san is injured. Watari-san is the only person in all of Japan who knows that we are here. And we have nothing on hand that will get us out of these cuffs without us going outside and risking people seeing us with the cuffs on."
"Concise as always Raito-san!" L's places the cup down on the low table. Raito jerks on the chain, causing L to overbalance and fall onto the floor.
"I am so not staying chained to you. Get up, we're going to find something to break these cuffs off with."
"Like what?" L asks, standing up and brushing himself off. Raito develops an unhealthy twitch in his eye as he listens to the musical clink of the happy links. L stumbles as Raito yanks unexpectedly on the chain again.
The two find themselves in the kitchen.
"You check that cabinet over there," the lighter haired teen commands before beginning to root around in the cabinet he chooses for himself.
"I grovel at your feet oh great one," the dark haired boy mutters under his slightly scruffy looking brunette watches his rather determined search for another moment before shrugging and joining in.
"No, no… nothing… there's nothing here! Dear God there's nothing here!" Raito moans in despair. "Wait, I know! We'll just go outside, never mind the stares, we'll go outside and find a rock. A really big rock. And then we'll beat the damn things off!"
L slowly backs away from the slightly insane glaze in the other's eyes.
"I calculate that if you were to get your hands on a really big rock that there'd be a twenty-eight percent chance that you would use it to attack me."
The teenager stares at him flatly.
"Sticks and stones may break your bones, but I find that an acceptable probability."
"Ah Raito-kun, Watari-san has the keys that we need to get in and out of the hotel. We have to stay here until he returns with those keys too."
"You're not helping," Raito hisses at the bane of his existence.
"Yes I am. I pointed out that there was a problem and suggested one thing that we can do to prevent the problem from getting worse," L points out reasonably.
"Not taking showers? That was your grand suggestion? Have I mentioned recently how much I hate you?" Raito asks almost conversationally.
L raises a dark eyebrow. "Not in the last five minutes."
"Ah, well. In that case… I really, really hate you."
"You keep saying that." L moves closer to the cabinet where Raito is leaning, laying his hands on the countertop at either side of the younger boy's waist. "I think you're bluffing."
"I think someone's been hitting the fermented fruit a little hard this morning," Raito responds as he casually tries to lean away from the invasion of his space. L's lips twitch. Raito is unable to decide what L seems more amused by; Raito accusing him of being not in his right mind, or the fact that Raito is practically crawling up on the counter to get away from the closely hovering detective.
"Raito-kun asked for me to try and be helpful. I am being helpful." He presses closer.
"How so?" Raito hates himself when his voice comes out higher, more breathless than normal.
"There's nothing in here that we can use to break the cuffs. And we have no way to open the locks with the key stuck in place. We have to wait for Watari-san to come back. Until then, we'll just have to find a way to keep ourselves occupied."
"Well I hope you're ideas for keeping occupied are better than your ideas for getting us out of this mess you got us in," the Kira suspect says tartly.
That's much better. He didn't sound nearly so… hopeful that time.
"I probably have a few," L gave his tiny smile once more.
"Well it's good to finally get some good news for a change."
…Several hours later Ryuk pokes Raito in the shoulder to get his attention.
"Hey Raito?" the shinigami asks. "Uh you do realize that you don't have to wait for the old man to get out of those things right? You guys have your computer boxes that you can contact people with."
Raito raises his head from where it's pillowed as sudden realization slams into him. That scheming bastard! They've had internet all night. They could have ordered tools offline, or text messaged one of the other team members to let them know what was going on.
He glares over at his companion, who is sleeping peacefully with a small smile on his face.