Special, or In which yeah, Michael and Walt STILL don't have a father-son relationship, gee whiz what a surprise
Michael has a FLASHBACK. He is sitting in a WHEELCHAIR in the middle of a HOSPITAL, drawing a PICTURE of himself in a WHEELCHAIR in a HOSPITAL drawing a PICTURE of himself in a WHEELCHAIR in a HOSPITAL.
MICHAEL: M.C. Escher was a big influence on me.
NURSE: Michael? Why are you sitting out here in the middle of this huge random hospital room?
MICHAEL: I don't know… Hey, why does this room have beds and chairs and file cabinets and doctors walking through it all the time like it's a hallway?
NURSE: We need to cut back on our expenditure, so we've decided to combine the patients' rooms with waiting rooms and office rooms. And we're getting rid of all the hallways to give us more space.
NURSE: Wait till you see the new surgery-bathrooms.
She begins to WALK AWAY.
MICHAEL: Hold on! You were supposed to compliment my drawing so everyone knows what a great artist I am! And you need to tell me a lame joke so that in a later scene I can bond with my son because we both think it's lame!
NURSE: Sorry, new hospital policy—we have to write down exactly what we do every minute we're on the job. If I write down "complimenting" and "telling a lame joke," that's two minutes I don't get paid for.
Suddenly, SUSAN enters!
SUSAN: WTF is this room?
LATER, Susan PUSHES MICHAEL through the HALLS of the hospital.
SUSAN: I'm sorry, why can't we just have a stationary talk, like normal people?
MICHAEL: This hospital won't have hallways for much longer. We should take advantage of them.
SUSAN: I'm getting married and leaving the country with Walt.
MICHAEL: Oh, that's all right. I've really mellowed since being hit with that plot dev—car.
SUSAN: And my fiancé wants to adopt Will—Walt.
MICHAEL: Hang on a second, I know what's going on here! You've changed his name, haven't you! You always hated the name WAAAAAAAAAAAAALT!
SUSAN: So you've mellowed, huh?
Back on the ISLAND, HURLEY approaches MICHAEL by the STREAM.
HURLEY: Sooo…you know how a few minutes ago, before you started staring off into space and screaming WAAAAAALT, you told him to stay at the caves? He just left.
MICHAEL: Dammit! I was too busy flashbacking to notice when my kid wandered off right under my nose!
HURLEY: You do know you're the worst father ever, right, dude?
Somewhere out in the JUNGLE, LOCKE and BOONE are DOING NOTHING.
BOONE: Shouldn't we be, like, digging a hole or something?
MICHAEL approaches, looking ANGRY.
LOCKE: What's that, Michael?
LOCKE: Walt's not here, if that's what you're asking.
LOCKE: Okay! I'll go and find him if that'll make you stop screaming!
Elsewhere, CHARLIE and KATE sit down with CLAIRE'S BAGS.
CHARLIE: Thanks for pretending you wanted to help me just so you could go see Sawyer.
KATE: Noooo problem.
CHARLIE: Every day that Claire is gone, it's like—
KATE: Like pieces of you are crumbling away?
CHARLIE: Exactly! I just keep thinking about how she was my best chance of getting any on this island.
CHARLIE: I figured, she was pregnant and probably wouldn't be into it, but once she had the baby and got her figure back…she'd want to show her gratitude to me.
KATE: That's sick.
CHARLIE: But it was more than that! As time went on I grew to see what a special, special person she was. I offered to brush her hair and cut her nails so I could take the clippings. I even took a vial of her blood one night. It's all in that duffel bag, there.
CHARLIE: Maybe I could clone her…
KATE: I'm leaving now.
CHARLIE: Good. I need to engage in a brief moral struggle over whether I should read Claire's diary.
CHARLIE: You're right…much more time-efficient to just skip the struggling.
Somewhere in an unspecified JUNGLE LOCATION, WALT is WALKING with VINCENT.
VINCENT: A rabbit!
He magically DEATTACHES himself from his LEASH and RUNS AWAY.
WALT: I'm going to have a flashback now.
In his FLASHBACK he is STARING at VINCENT, who is PANTING.
WALT: His tongue…it's so fascinating…can't…look…away…
They are in AUSTRALIA with SUSAN and her husband BRIAN.
SUSAN: Blah blah blah I'm a lawyer! blah blah legal jargon blah blah blah I'm smart!
WALT: I'm doing a science experiment on Vincent's tongue, and I need help! Would you say the saliva level is superfluous, excessive, or disproportionate?
SUSAN: Let me engage in foreshadowing. OH, I suddently don't feel well!
BRIAN: Gosh, Susan, I hope you don't have a blood disorder that is only now rearing its ugly head.
WRITER #1: Hey, wait a minute… Wasn't Shannon's boyfriend in the very last episode also named Brian? Can't we come up with any other names?
WRITER #2: …No.
WRITER #3: Brian is the perfect name, we don't need any others.
WRITER #1: I like Tom better.
WRITER #2: Fine, we'll use Tom from now on.
WALT: Hey! I need help examining Vincent's tongue over here!
BRIAN: I have an idea! Let's ignore Walt so he's forced to get angry and demonstrate his freaky superpowers!
WALT: I don't like you, Brian! That's why I call you Brian instead of Dad, even though you're my legal father and I've lived with you as long as I can remember!
BRIAN: Man, I wish it had worked that one time when I tried to lose Walt in the forest. But he followed a trail of vegemite crumbs all the way home.
Back on the ISLAND, WALT is YELLING for VINCENT.
POLAR BEAR: Helloooo tasty little boy!
Cut to FLASHBACK. MICHAEL opens the door of his APARTMENT to find BRIAN.
MICHAEL: It's YOU! Get out of here!
BRIAN: I have some bad n— Wait. How do you know who I am?
MICHAEL: I always answer the door like that.
BRIAN: Okay. Whatever. Susan's dead and you're taking Walt. Buh-bye now.
MICHAEL: What? I don't want WAAAAAAAAAALT!
BRIAN: Well, I'm going to Thailand so I can find myself. If you don't go get Walt I guess he'll just stay in Sydney with his nanny until she calls Child Protective Services.
MICHAEL: Wow. You are not very nice.
BRIAN: Walt has freaky superpowers! I think he might be the devil's spawn.
MICHAEL: Are you calling me the devil?
BRIAN: I'm just saying Susan might have cheated on you with the devil.
Back on the ISLAND, MICHAEL and LOCKE find Vincent's LEASH out in the JUNGLE.
MICHAEL: We really need to get a better leash.
LOCKE: Okay, I'll just need to skin a boar…tan the hide, make some leather…
MICHAEL: Hey. I'm letting you help me find Walt right now, but you start acting weird, you're outta here.
LOCKE: How generous of you.
WALT: POOOLLLLLAAAAAAR BEEEAAAAAAR!
LOCKE: Marco! Polo!
MICHAEL: Stop that.
He has a FLASHBACK. He is in AUSTRALIA, talking to Walt's SENSIBLE-SHOES-WEARING NANNY.
SENSIBLE-SHOES-WEARING NANNY: Brian wanted you to have some of Susan's effects.
MICHAEL: Thank— Her underwear?
SENSIBLE-SHOES-WEARING NANNY: Sorry, that must be the wrong— No, that's the right box. Huh.
MICHAEL: Yeah, there's underwear, and what looks like some hair and fingernail clippings… Is that a vial of blood?
SENSIBLE-SHOES-WEARING NANNY: Oh god I hope there's not a stool sample.
MICHAEL: I don't think— No, hang on…there it is, underneath the rag soaked in her sweat.
SENSIBLE-SHOES-WEARING NANNY: Okay, to make up for that box I'm going to give you this one. It's full of all the letters you sent that Walt never saw, so he knows nothing about you and thinks you don't care about him at all!
SENSIBLE-SHOES-WEARING NANNY: So I'll go get him now!
Back on the ISLAND, MICHAEL and LOCKE find WALT hiding in the SAME STAND OF TREES THAT KATE AND BOONE HAVE PREVIOUSLY HIDDEN IN while a TERRIBLY REALISTIC CGI BEAR attempts to MAUL him.
MICHAEL: Sniff…I'm so proud.
Walt has a FLASHBACK. He is again STARING at VINCENT'S TONGUE.
WALT: Magic tongue…
VINCENT: Um, it's really not that special.
MICHAEL: I'm here to take you away from this huge expensive house and your pool and your private school so you can live in a crappy New York apartment with a man you don't know.
WALT: No thanks.
MICHAEL: Brian didn't want to be your daddy, so it has to be me. Even though I'm not sure this is legal since I renounced my rights as your father eight years ago and it's Brian who's your legal father. But he's a bastard. So I'll tell you what—let's steal his dog!
WALT: I'm sorry, I can't get onto planes with strangers.
MICHAEL: I'm not a stranger, I'm your father.
WALT: How do I know you're not just some random person from the street who wants me to think he's my father so he can kidnap me? I'm going to need to see three forms of ID and a DNA test before I go anywhere with you.
On the ISLAND, MICHAEL and LOCKE begin a rescue attempt by CLIMBING some convenient BRANCHES that pass over Walt's hiding place.
Locke displays his SPIDERMAN INSTINCTS by GRABBING MICHAEL'S WRIST every time he WOBBLES.
LOCKE: Don't fall! Don't fall! Don't fall! Don't fall!
MICHAEL: Leave me alone! I know how to walk across a branch!
LOCKE: Give Walt this knife!
MICHAEL: He's only ten, he'll hurt himself!
LOCKE: No he won't, he only cut himself fifteen times the other day when I was teaching him to throw.
MICHAEL: Them's good odds! Here, Walt, catch this knife! You can stab the polar bear and enrage him further!
As Walt CATCHES the KNIFE, it SEVERS the LAST TWO FINGERS of his LEFT HAND.
POLAR BEAR: Damn, I wish I had my armor.
Michael DROPS DOWN next to Walt.
MICHAEL: Hey there son!
MICHAEL: I'm gonna tie this vine around your waist so Mr. Locke can pull you to safety.
WALT: Okay…just don't touch my bum.
MICHAEL: Yeah, well, that's why I didn't want Locke to be the one to come down here.
After a TENSE COMMERCIAL BREAK, Michael STABS the bear and also ESCAPES.
POLAR BEAR: That's okay… I have to go to Svalbard anyway and change my name to Ragnak or something.
He goes GALLUMPHING off into the JUNGLE.
Michael and Walt experience a TEARFUL REUNION in the TREETOPS.
WALT: You do care about me! Sniff, sniff.
MICHAEL: I love you, WAAAAAAAAAAAAALT!
LOCKE: I'll just nod meaningfully at Michael. This means that we're friends now.
MICHAEL: …Except not really.
That NIGHT, MICHAEL and WALT sit around a FIRE.
MICHAEL: Here, Walt, I want you to have this box.
WALT: Is this—underwear?
MICHAEL: Haha, oops, wrong box. Here ya go! It's all the letters I sent you over the past eight years!
WALT: Why didn't you give this to me in the first place? I might not have hated you so much!
MICHAEL: I had to wait for the box to be explained in a flashback first.
WALT: Why is this card blank inside?
MICHAEL: It was supposed to be a lame joke that this nurse was supposed to tell me, but she couldn't because the hospital was so strict about timesheets.
WALT: That's dumb.
MICHAEL: I know, that's what I said.
WALT: I finally have a relationship with my father!
MICHAEL: This means that the audience will have to endure WAAAAAAAAAAAALT for much of season two!
Elsewhere at the CAVES, CHARLIE is reading CLAIRE'S DIARY.
CHARLIE: You knew it was going to happen.
CLAIRE'S DIARY: I'm getting really freaked out by that has-been pop star. I think he's stalking me. Diary, the little limey runt just won't— BLACK ROCK!
CHARLIE: This is disturbing. Not only does Claire think I'm a has-been, she also caught on about the stalking thing!
CLAIRE'S DIARY: BLACK ROCK! BLACK ROCK! BLACK ROCK!
CHARLIE: Oh, Claire…
JACK: Why is that journal screaming Black Rock?
SAYID: My goodness! The French chick mentioned a black rock also!
JACK: Why am I at the caves sharing a fire with Sayid? He doesn't even live at the caves!
SAYID: I'm an Important Character. That means I automatically have to be around when someone makes a discovery.
CHARLIE: It's a law of probability, or physics or something.
SAYID: Now let us introduce a storyline that will ultimately go nowhere.
CHARLIE: Maybe the French chick's maps point to the black rock! Maybe that's where Claire is! Let's go!
CHARLIE: Okay. Say, do either of you know anything about cloning?
Cut to LOCKE and BOONE, wandering around in the JUNGLE in the middle of the NIGHT.
LOCKE: Oh, Vincent! Come to the dog whistle!
BOONE: Here, Vincent! Here, boy!
POLAR BEAR: Vincent? Yep, he sure was tasty.
CLAIRE: Do I hear the dulcet strains of a dog whistle summoning me forth?
There is much RUSTLING in the underbrush as the camera attempts to CONCEAL CLAIRE for the LONGEST possible amount of TIME.
BOONE: I will repeatedly whisper Vincent's name, making me look like even more of an ineffectual loser.
LOCKE: I will pull out my knife in super slo-mo action, making me look COOL!
Boone FALLS BACKWARDS in fright.
LOCKE: It's just Claire. Wimp.
AN: Haha, this update is like a year late. Sorry about that. Actually, I think I'm pretty much done with this fic; I just didn't like leaving the last episode half-finished. I will probably continue with these S1 parodies at some point (after all, I'm already more than halfway through the season), but I'll start it as a new fic because this one is getting so long it's just losing steam.
I had wanted to do a parody of Flashes Before Your Eyes (my favorite S3 episode) while I'm still on break from school and have the time, but my sister lent my new DVDs to the neighbors without telling me. Thanks, sis. So instead, I might tackle a couple S2 episodes since I've been re-watching it and realizing just how parody-able it really is. But after that, I wouldn't expect anything else until summer because I'll probably be even more busy this semester than in the past, since I'm now working and running a lit. mag.
When I went to post this I realized that the 2-year anniversary of this fic was two days ago. If I'd known that I'd have gotten this done sooner so I could have posted it on the anniversary. Oh well. Anyway, I'm still not quite done here—I was rewatching the Pilot the other day and seeing tons of new things to parody, so I think I'll do a Director's Cut version someday and post it as the final chapter. And maybe a little "coming up, on LOST" segment in which I preview things I plan to parody in the future seasons.
Disclaimer: In the past year I unfortunately have not inherited the rights to Lost. The repertoire of Lost-related things I do own, however, has expanded to include the S3 DVDs (if the neighbors don't break/lose/steal them) and a Sawyer action figure ("There are nicer ways to wake a man up, Freckles…"). I also own a GREAT DEAL OF EXCITEMENT about the START OF S4 (truncated though it may be due to the STUPID, STUPID WRITERS' STRIKE).
Big thanks to everyone who has read, favorited, or reviewed these parodies over the past two years. I've tried to reply to every reviewer but I know I missed some, and for that, my apologies.