"Gotta run, pre-class fashion coordination check. 'Bye!" Quinn warbled as she bounced out of the kitchen. Helen had already left for another day of legal eagling and beagling. As a companionable silence settled over the Morgendorffer breakfast nook, Daria savored another bite of toast with her favorite Mayhaw jelly and sighed contentedly.

Jake was unhappily trying to read something in the Lawndale Sun-Herald, covering first one eye, then the other. He threw the paper down in disgust and covered both eyes with his hands, leaning his elbows on the table.

Her microcosm of sybaritic jelly joy intruded upon, Daria laid down her toast and sipped her coffee, considering what, if anything to say. Overcoming the part of her that didn't want to get involved, she said, "You know, Dad, just about all the guys your age are already wearing glasses. And look at me; I've been wearing 'em since I was three. Believe me, the gain in visual acuity is more than worth it."

Jake looked up at her and blinked. "Oh, you mean that thing I was just doing? I was, uh, just checking out my depth perception. Yeah, and it's still there, heh heh. My eyes are fine, kiddo."

Suppressing a couple of sarcastic remarks with the ease of long practice, she replied, "Oh, good. Glad to hear it. Could you help me out with a classified ad I was looking at on the back page?" Picking up the paper and turning it over, she pointed to an ad. "Is that word 'canary' or 'camaro'?"

Jake took the paper and squinted at it for several seconds. "'Camaro', he finally said."

Daria shook her head. "Actually, the word is 'damaged'", she said. "Come on, dad, you're going to have to go pretty soon. It must be interfering with your work by now. I'll go with you if you want. I can afford to miss a day of school."

Jake struggled to hide his irritation. "Daria, I appreciate your concern, but just because they started using smaller type for the classifieds doesn't mean I need glasses. My eyes are fine." He shook his fist at the ceiling. "Hear that, old man? I'm not going that way! First the high blood pressure, then the glasses, then BAM! Dead of a heart attack! Well, not this boy! Not Jakey!"

Slightly taken aback by this sudden rant, Daria didn't show it. It was obvious that Jake was in denial, and that his eyesight wasn't the only thing that was bothering him this morning. She had a pretty good idea how to convince him that he needed glasses, but it would mean letting him in on a closely-held secret. But she couldn't think of anything else that would be as effective, and, hell, he was her dad. She sighed and pulled a federal reserve note from her pocket.

"Tell you what, dad," she said, popping the bill a couple of times, "See this hundred dollar bill?" She waited till she had his attention, then proceeded. "If you'll get your eyes checked and get glasses, I'll give it back to you. It's the one you stuck in my G-string last night at the Foxfire Lounge."

La la LA la la.