A/N: I felt I needed to end on a silly note…
The end for real, this time.
Death and the Uchiha
by Shadow Crystal Mage
Disclaimer: I don't own, you don't sue.
All across Konoha– and indeed, most of Fire Country– there was weeping, lamentation and tears as women of all ages shed tears in pure and abject sorrow. No, they were not weeping because of some great war. There was no large swath of destruction and blood. Few faces were dry, and nearly all of them were lesbians (they were partying).
Uchiha Sasuke was getting married that day.
Sasuke and Death stood before the Hokage, about to pronounced married. Naruto stood next to him as his best man, while Sakura stood as Death's maid of honor. She kept making eyes at Ino, who'd somehow ended up a Bride's Maid along with Hinata. Sasuke didn't know how that had happened, but he was grateful. It seemed only cosmic justice that his two biggest annoyances would wind up shacking up.
Anyway, the Hokage was about to finish the ceremony and declare the two of them husband and wife when…
The opposite doors to the hall where the ceremony was being held burst open. From one side, Itachi strode in, his clothes torn, leaves and twigs in his hair, dust and sawdust and his face, pain and the Mangekyou Sharingan in his eyes. Behind him slinked the oh-so-mighty Akatsuki, looking very embarrassed to be there. From the other side came Orochimaru, with Kimimaro and the Sound Four immediately behind him, and backed up by the most powerful shinobi in Otagakure. Next to him was Kabuto, disguised as an Ota-ANBU.
"SASUKE!" Itachi yelled.
"UCHIHA SASUKE!" Orochimaru yelled at the same time.
The two of them paused and looked at each other. "I WAS HERE FIRST!" the two missing-nin yelled at each other at the same time.
A silver-haired girl reading a think stack of fanfic printouts who was passing by said, "Jinx."
Harry Potter and Keroberos walked in and grabbed the girl, guiding her out of the scene. "Terribly sorry about this," Harry said. "Winter got lost and somehow ended up here. Terribly sorry."
The three walked out.
Everyone blinked, then pretended nothing happened.
"SASUKE!" Itachi yelled. "YOU ARE NOT GETTING MARRIED, YOU HEAR ME! AS HEAD OF THE CLAN, I FORBID IT!"
Before Sasuke could turn to glare at Itachi, Orochimaru said, "Uchiha Sasuke, I am kidnapping you so you can become my vessel! Now, are you going to come quietly, or must we use force?"
Death stepped forward, still smiling pleasantly. "I wouldn't advise that, Orochimaru," she said.
Orochimaru frowned. "Do I know you?"
Still smiling. "Yes. You do. We meet every time you are born again in a new vessel."
Orochimaru scrunched his face up in thought. "I don't…" then his eyes widened. "YOU!"
Nod, still smiling. "Me."
Orochimaru looked from her, to Sasuke and back again. "Your going to… with him… but… my perfect vessel…"
Still smiling. "Orochimaru, I am going to get you eventually. Whether it is now or later depends on whether you will leave my Sasuke-kun alone."
"But…but…but…" Orochimaru spluttered. "What about the Sharingan?"
Death shrugged. "Your problem. Just stay away from my husband."
Her eyes flicked significantly to the side.
Orochimaru threw up his hands and sighed, taking a sheet of paper out of one of the pockets of his dress. "Fine, fine," he muttered, crossing out Sasuke's name from the top of the list. "I'll make do." Above it, he scribbled the name 'Itachi'.
Nodding in satisfaction, he tucked the list back into his dress and suddenly pointed at Itachi, who'd just been standing there in confused rage and wondering what they'd been talking about. "THE MAN WHO GETS ME ITACHI'S BODY ALIVE GETS THE KAGE-SHIP OF OTAGAKURE! IF YOU CAN'T DO THAT, JUST GET ME HIS EYES!"
Itachi blinked in confusion, before his precious eyes widened and he turned around screaming, followed by a hoard of assorted ninja, not all of them from Ota.
Orochimaru bowed respectfully to Death, then, surprisingly, to Sasuke. "Terribly sorry about this. If you'll excuse me, allow me to try to at least to see to it that Itachi ceases to be a nuisance. As a wedding present and an apology." One final bow to the Hokage and the other shinobi who'd stayed behind, which somehow miraculously included Jiraiya and Tsunade. "Sensei, Slug-head, Frog-breath. See you at the Academy reunion in two months. I'll bring along one of my world-famous cakes."
With that, he turned, yelling "WAIT FOR ME!" and waving a kunai around.
Everyone blinked. They turned to the assembled members of Akatsuki, who were all trying to sneak out and pretend they had absolutely nothing to do with Itachi.
Kisame grinned sickly. "Don't mind us, we were just leaving."
Everyone shrugged, and the bride and groom turned back to the Hokage. "By the power invested in me, I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride."
Sasuke did. Thoroughly.
And they all started living happily ever after.
That night, Ino and Sakura got really drunk, did a public striptease on a table during the reception, and ended up in bed together with bad hangovers. They got married within a year, and have been living together since. They used some funky medical jutsu to get each other pregnant with their own DNA and ended up with a boy and a girl. Their parents have no problems with it, and their kids eventually became ninjas like them.
Naruto and Hinata skipped out on the reception, and it took Naruto all of one lewd suggestion for Hinata to jump his bones. Naruto found he needed the Kyuubi's energy to meet Hinata's needs, which were considerable given she'd been sexually repressed for the past twelve years. They got married, destroyed the Main House/Branch House System, and had lots of children. Naruto became Hokage, Hinata became insatiable and developed a thing about having him use Kage Bunshin. It was a wonder he ever got any work done.
Neji started developing white hairs from all the fangirls now stalking him. Unfortunately, the girls considered this 'sexy like Kakashi'. He eventually married Tenten, and while he wasn't anywhere close to being as nymphomanic as his cousin, Tenten found herself more worn out in the mornings then she did after their taijutsu sparring sessions. Not that she minded.
Shikamaru went on to become a chess champion, eventually met and beat Mutou Yugi and got declared the King Of Games. He hooked up with Ishtar Ishuzu and had lots of lazy, mysterious children.
Lee met Ranma Saotome, and together, the two disappeared looking for… something.
Kakashi revealed he wore a mask because he didn't like brushing his teeth. This explained why he always read Icha Icha Paradise, as he couldn't get laid if he tried.
Orochimaru eventually came to the Academy reunion bearing one of his world-famous cakes and wearing his new Itachi-vessel. He was then made to promise not to start any world wars by the new Lady Uchiha. Since he couldn't get his power dream, he moved to his back-up. Oro-kun Cakes became a household word as he fulfilled his dream of being the world's greatest baker. He and Willy Wonka began a friendly rivalry over who could give more people diabetes and bad teeth.
Akatsuki decided they had better things to do with their time and organized the first 'Miss Shinobi' Beauty Pageants. All eight were disqualified when they tried to enter.
As for Death and Sasuke, they lived happily ever after…
Destiny closed The Book, to sounds of regret from his nieces and nephews. He smiled. Ever since Death had gotten pregnant, things had been looking up for the usually dysfunctional Endless. Desire had become a doting aunt/uncle, Despair had started putting some clothes on (to everyone's relief), Delirium had reverted back to Delight from all the happy vibes in the air, and best of all, Destruction had come back, now having something fun to do in his role as 'cool uncle'.
"It is late, children," Destiny said. "You must sleep."
"But we don't wanna!" Darkness, the eldest, said, his Deathless brothers and sisters echoing.
"You must," Destiny said. "You are supposed to visit you uncle Dream in his palace tonight. He would be very upset if you didn't come."
"And tomorrow is Daydream's chuunin exam," Demise, the youngest, reminded them. She was the only one still used to having a bed time.
"EEP! I forgot!" Daydream spazzed, rushing to her feet, her pure-white eyes momentarily shifting to Sharingan-mode as she went to check all her gear, looking unreal against her pure black skin and hair.
Discovery shrugged, following after it's twin to make sure she didn't trash their room.
One by one, the Deathless, and children of Sasuke, made their way towards their rooms. Dusk made the sun set, and Dawn set her alarm clock to she could make the sun rise. Day finished off the last of the Oro-kun brownies as he cleaned up after his siblings, muttering about things not being like this when he got his own realm.
Sasuke greeted his wife with a loving kiss as he came home. He'd taken a desk job, since active duty meant he'd have to kill, and he didn't want to add to his wife's workload. "So, is the surprise ready?" he asked as the two went upstairs to their room.
Death nodded. "It took some looking, but Lucien managed to find the plans for 'The Greatest Theme Park Never Made' somewhere in the library. Dream should be finished working on it by tomorrow. How are things on your end?"
Sasuke smiled. "Good. Hinata, Ino and Tenten are letting the kids come along to celebrate the end of the chuunin exams. They'll all be there."
"Good," Death said, smiling brightly. "This is going to be so much fun."
Sasuke didn't answer, instead starting to nuzzle the sides of Death's neck. Death moved into the movement, and soon where giving Hinata and Naruto a run for their money…
The End. Seriously.
A/N: the end of a really silly fic.
Please review, C&C welcome.
Until next time, this is Shadow, signing off.